CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Sinner
“HOW ARE YOU feeling this morning, Mr. Sinn?”
“I’ve felt better.”
“Well, now that your lady isn’t here, how about you tell me how things are going. Let’s start with your head.”
“Honestly? Feels like I have a jackhammer going in there.”
He nodded, “That’s pretty normal for what happened to you. Electric shock can have some pretty damaging effects. Headaches may be persistent for a while. Does it feel better when the nurse administers pain killers?”
“It gets better, but it’s still there.”
“Well, we can prescribe something that treats migraines. That should at least take the edge off. I’d like to run another MRI before we discharge you, make sure everything is normal.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. The light that was coming in from the window was making my headache worse.
“How about I do my examination and then we’ll get those shades drawn so the light doesn’t bother you?”
“Sounds good, Doc.”
He pulled back the blankets and started examining the burns spread around my body. He rolled me to my side and looked at the ones on my back.
“Are the ones on your back too painful?”
“It’s not the worst.”
“Which ones hurt the worst?”
“The one on my cock.”
“Yes, that is a pretty bad burn.”
“They electrocuted me there the longest.”
“Mhmm.” He continued his examination and then rolled me to my back. “Well, they aren’t pretty right now, but they are healing. Give it a few weeks and they should be healed.”
“Will I regain use of my cock?” I asked the doc. My voice was strong and confident, but I was terrified of what he’d tell me.
“You need to give the tissue time to heal. I would say at least six weeks. Then we can reassess and see how your nerves were damaged. Total recovery time? I’d guess three months. It’s hard to say because the tissue could heal and everything could go back to normal, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it, that’s a pretty severe burn and it will probably take a while longer than the rest of the burns. Plus, being in such a sensitive area, you’re not going to want to test it out as soon as the burns heal.”
“So, you really can’t tell me at this point if I’ll ever be able to use it again.”
“I’m sorry, but until it heals, we won’t know more.”
“Tell me this, Doc, if the nerve damage is bad, where do we go from there?”
“Well, we can do surgery to restore the nerve endings. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s your best bet. If it’s not that bad, it could be as simple as using some creams or taking some herbs to help with the blood flow.”
“So, wait and see.”
“Yes, that’s precisely what you need to do. I know it’s difficult not knowing, but there’s no point in getting upset when you don’t know the outcome.”
The doctor lifted my hands and examined them, satisfied that the swelling had gone down. Then, he moved on to my shoulders and had me raise and lower my arms so he could check my range of motion.
“I’m going to recommend you see a physical therapist. Your range of motion is pretty good, but I think with a little therapy, we’ll have you back at one hundred percent. I’m guessing you’re not one to be happy with good enough.”
“Definitely not.”
“Alright, I’ll have a physical therapist come see you and they’ll set up a schedule with you. Are there any other concerns you have?”
“How long would you say I have before I can start training again?”
“Well, that will be largely up to the physical therapist, though I would say you’ll also need to check in with a neurologist regarding your headaches. I want you to schedule an appointment if your headaches aren’t gone or getting better by the end of the week. I’ll make sure the number is in your discharge papers. We’ll keep you one more night and see how your headache is in the morning. As long as it’s not worse, I think you can ride it out in the comfort of your own home.”
“Thanks, Doc.”
He went to the computer and typed in a few notes. “I’ll have the nurse come back in a half hour for your next dose of painkillers. It’s best if you rest, so don’t feel bad about kicking people out.”
He turned and left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. As I stared at the ceiling, all I could think about was how Cara would stand by me for the next six weeks, never knowing if she would end up with a man that could satisfy her or not. I knew Cara and she would argue with me that she didn’t care if my dick worked or not. She would want to be with me no matter what, but that wasn’t fair to her.
I didn’t need the pressure of pretending things were fine with Cara when it could turn out that I could never give her a satisfying life. The doctor even said that if I needed surgery, there was no guarantee it would restore the nerves. I couldn’t let her wait this out with me. She needed to go back home until I knew what would happen. I could stay with Vira and heal there so there were no expectations of a future with Cara. She may hate me for it, but that was a chance I was going to have to take.
“Hey.”
I looked up to see Cara standing in the doorway of the room like she wasn’t sure if she belonged. It would be better to start distancing myself now. I needed her to go home and let me heal on my own.
“Hey, Cara.”
Her face fell when I didn’t use her nickname. She walked further inside and stood by the bed.
“Is there anything I can get for you?”
“Yeah, my head’s killing me. Could you lower the blinds?”
“Of course,” she said with a smile. She walked over to the windows and pulled the string to close the blinds. The darkness instantly made my headache feel better.
“Better?”
“Yeah. Why don’t you go get some sleep. I need some, too.”
“That’s okay. I can sleep here. I just want to be by you.”
“Cara, I need you to go. My head is killing me and I just want to be left alone for a while.”
She looked like I struck her. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just wanted some fucking space. My head was so messed up right now and I needed the distance to make the right decisions. As long as she was here with me, I would want to keep her by my side, even though that wouldn’t be best for her in the long run.
“I’m not trying to be nasty, I just need some time alone. Go get some sleep and come see me tonight or in the morning, okay?”
She nodded and hesitantly kissed my cheek. “Okay, I’ll see you tonight.”
She left the room and I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time this morning. It was weird because the whole time I was in that cold basement, I just wanted to be back with Cara, but now, I couldn’t stand the thought of her being hitched to an incomplete man.
The nurse came in a little while later and gave me more pain killers. I floated off into a drug induced sleep for the rest of the day, happy that I didn’t have to think about any of the shit that I was going to have to deal with for a little while.
“Tell me what I want to know about the woman!” Another zap to my chest had my muscles convulsing as spasms took over my body. I clenched my teeth together so I didn’t bite off my tongue. As the shocks wore off, I took deep breaths to slow the erratic beat of my heart.
“If this isn’t enough to make you talk, perhaps I can persuade you with something else.”
The man nodded to another man standing by the door. He went out into the hallway and returned moments later with a woman with a bag over her head. When he pulled the bag off, my heart almost stopped in my chest. Cara was standing in front of me with a bloodied face and terror in her eyes. This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t do this again. After all the progress she’d made, this was just wrong.
I struggled against the ropes as I fought to get to her before they did something that would leave scars with her forever.
“If you’re not willing to talk to save your own life, perhaps you’d be more amenable with hers.”
He nodded again and the second man dragged her over to a chair where they tied her arms and legs. The first man walked over to a table and picked up a pair of pliers.
“Do you think she’ll still be attractive with one finger missing?”
I didn’t know what to do. My heart raced in my chest with every step closer to her he took. I couldn’t give him what he needed. Trading one life for another wouldn’t solve this problem, but I couldn’t stand to see Cara suffer either.
“Don’t!”
“Are you going to tell me what I need to know?”
“Please,” I croaked out. “Don’t do this. She’s innocent.”
“Then tell me what I need to know. I won’t stop until I get what I want and I’ll cut off fingers, gouge out eyes, and even have my men take turns with the pretty lady if it means that you’ll finally tell me what I want to know,” he sneered.
There was nothing I could say. I couldn’t tell them even if I wanted to. I had no idea where Vanessa was and I wouldn’t give up my brothers and risk more lives. Cara stared at me, her eyes pleading with me to help her. Tears filled my eyes as the man walked toward her and took her finger, placing the cutters around it.
“Mark,” she whispered. Her screams filled the concrete room as the cutters ripped through her flesh and her finger fell to the floor.
“No!” I yelled as they moved on to the next finger and the next. Her blood was pouring to the ground, but she was no longer screaming because she was passed out in the chair.
“Sinner, wake up, man.”
The voice broke through the haze of the dream and I shot upright in bed, sweating as my heart beat out of control. The room was dark and I blinked away the tears that were falling down my face so I could make out who was in the room with me. When Sebastian’s face came into view next to the bed, I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him closer to me.
“I need you to do something for me,” I said erratically.
“Sure, what do you need?” He was trying to calm me, but this was too important.
“I need you to take Cara back home. Get her away from here, away from me.”
“Why? She’s fine. She’s staying in the same hotel as my crew.”
“It doesn’t matter. They’ll go after anyone they can think of to get Vanessa back. If they see her coming here to see me, they’ll think they can use her.” Sebastian tried pulling away from me, but I gripped on tighter and held him where he was. “I’m telling you, you need to get her out of here. I don’t want her anywhere near me.”
“We got the guy, the one that you didn’t kill. Cash is interrogating him as we speak.”
“It doesn’t matter. He was just a hired gun. Whoever’s after Vanessa will hire someone else to find her. I’m telling you, make her leave,” I gritted out through clenched teeth.
He tried to pry my fingers away, but I held on with every ounce of strength I had. There was no way that I would allow Cara to be anywhere near me or this shit storm that was raining down on us.
“I can’t make her leave. You were right about her, she so strong and she’ll fight me every step of the way on this.”
“Then send her to me and I’ll make sure she knows I don’t want her here.”
“Yeah? And how do you plan on doing that?”
“It’ll be easier than you think.” I wiped the sweat from my face and sat back just a little, but I didn’t loosen my grip on Sebastian’s shirt.
“Don’t you dare tell her that you don’t want her anymore. That’s just cruel and she doesn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t have to tell her that. Let’s just say that I took a rather painful electric shock to the little man and it’s very possible he’ll never function right again. I’ve already been thinking about sending her away. Now, I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“So you want to send her away under the illusion that little Sinner isn’t working and you’re setting her free.”
“I was already going to do it. I’ll have to wait weeks or months to find out if I’ll ever be able to..well, anyway. I don’t want her waiting around for that. So, either take her away and tell her that it’s for her own safety or I’ll tell her we’re through.”
Sebastian pulled away from me and scoffed. “You really expect me to do that to her?”
“Either way, we’ll know in a few months. This gives you time to find out what the hell is going on with Vanessa and it gives me time to get better and see if I’ll ever be man enough for her.”
“Man enough for her? Where the hell-”
“Don’t start with me, Sebastian. If it was Maggie, would you let her sit around and wait for you when you might not be able to give her the kind of life she deserves?”
He was silent as he considered that. “Fine. I’ll tell Sean and Cara that we need to leave this morning and head back to Pennsylvania. What are you going to do?”
“I’ll stay here. I have PT to do until the doctors can tell me more. I can stay with Vira.”
“Fucking Vira. Are you sure you want to do that? If Cara finds out, she’ll be pissed.”
“It’s what I need. I can’t have Cara sitting around here hoping for a life that may not happen, and I don’t want to be worrying about her safety right now. I think it’s better for everyone if she goes home and stays there.”
“Do you want me to bring her by first?”
“No,” I said quietly. “I don’t think I can take it right now. Just tell her I wanted her safe.”
“Maggie will insist on seeing you before she goes. What the hell am I supposed to do about that?”
“Tell her I’m having tests run all morning and there isn’t time to wait around.”
Sebastian blew out a harsh breath and sighed. “I wish you would reconsider. You know Cara wouldn’t care about any of that.”
“I do, though. She deserves better.”
I let my head fall back on the pillow and closed my eyes. I didn’t know how much more shit I could take right now. One thing at a time. Cara needed to leave and then I could work on getting myself better. Sebastian would watch over her and keep her safe, and I could heal without feeling like I was going to be letting her down.
“I’ll make it happen. I expect updates on your progress every week. Cash and I already had it out over who you’d be working for when this is over.”
“What’d you do, whip it out and measure?”
He grinned. “Let’s just say that you’re officially an employee of Reed Security and he can suck it.”
✯✯✯✯✯
After Sebastian left, I called Vira and told her what happened. As far as she was concerned, I had been out on assignment and had no idea what had happened. When I told her I was in the hospital, she insisted on coming to see me and wouldn’t let me stay with her unless she talked to the doctor herself.
Between Sebastian and Vira, I was getting another massive headache. The dark room was doing nothing to help the pounding in my head. I pressed the button for the nurse and she came in a few minutes later.
“How can I help you, sweetie?” This nurse was younger and had a friendly smile on her face.
“It feels like a construction zone in my head. How long until the next dose of painkillers?”
“Let me check for you, but I don’t think it’s for a few more hours.”
She walked over to the computer and scrunched her nose as she typed. “Hmm. Yep, it’s not for three more hours. Let me talk with the doctor and see what else he can do for you.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly as she left the room. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the pain in my head. I must have drifted off because the next time I woke up was a few hours later and a very pissed off Vira was standing by my bed and glaring at me.
“I just had a chat with your nurse. Electrocuted? Hypothermia? Some other word that I can’t remember. Why didn’t you call me sooner?”
“You’re right. I should have called you when they were trying to restart my heart.”
“Funny. Seriously, why didn’t you have Sebastian contact me? I would have been here sooner.”
“To do what exactly? Vira, I’ve been sleeping most of the time.”
“You shouldn’t have to sit here all by yourself though.”
“I actually prefer it. My head is killing me. I some need some quiet.”
She sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I understand. I just wish I could have been here. So, where’s Cara? Did you run her off already?”
“I sent her back to Pennsylvania.”
“Why?”
“That’s something I’d like to know as well,” Cara’s voice drifted in from the doorway. I closed my eyes and sighed. “Did you send me away so you could have some alone time with Vira?”
Cara walked to the end of the bed and scowled at me. “So, you were going to send me away and then have Vira come play naughty nurse?”
“Ask your brother, I’m pretty good at playing naughty nurse,” Vira sniped.
“That’s disgusting. I don’t need to think about what your skank ass did with my brother or what you hope to do with Mark.”
“Vira, stop pushing her buttons. Cara, that’s not what’s going on here.” I didn’t have the energy to fight with Cara about this. My head was still pounding and none of this was helping. “Vira just found out I was here and she came to check on me.”
“Why? Because you’ll be staying with her?”
“Most likely. I need to stay out here while I do my PT. It’ll be a few months before I get back to Pennsylvania.”
“Why? You could do physical therapy somewhere near home. Why does it have to be here?”
“It’s not safe-”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. No one would come after me. I have nothing to do with any of this shit.”
The pounding intensified in my head and was starting to make me nauseous. “But you’re special to me and someone would use that to get to me,” I said as I squinted, trying to lessen the growing pain.
“I don’t care about that. I need to be with you.”
“Listen, why don’t you run back to your little house in Pennsylvania and leave me to take care of Sinner. I’ll make sure to send him back to you in working order.”
“Enough! Both of you get the fuck out of my room!” I roared. The pain was so intense that my vision went black. I laid back against the pillow and breathed deep, waiting for the pain to pass.
“What is going on in here?”
I didn’t need to crack my eyes open to see that it was my nurse and she would no doubt kick them out.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been in sooner, Mr. Sinn. How’s the headache?”
“I feel sick to my stomach.”
“That bad, huh? Don’t worry. I’ll get you some meds. In the meantime, hold this.”
She shoved what felt like a bedpan in my hands, most likely in case I needed to puke, which was very likely at the moment.
“What’s wrong with him?” I heard Cara ask.
“Well, he was electrocuted multiple times. That kind of power running through your body has some serious effects on not just your body, but your brain also. Headaches are a common side effect. I suggest the two of you walk out of here now before I call security and have you thrown out.”
“Mark, is that what you really want?”
I opened my eyes and sighed. “Cara, it’s best if you go home. Please listen to Sebastian.”
She nodded and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Vira who was smirking at me.
“You can go too.”
“Fine,” she smiled. “Call me when you’re getting out. I’ll come pick you up.”
Then everyone was gone but the nurse. Now that it was quiet, the pounding in my head wasn’t quite so intense.
“Sounds like you have quite the predicament on your hands,” the nurse said quietly as she checked my vitals.
“One of them is just a friend that likes to start trouble. The other is..”
“The other is special.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know how that’s going to end now.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m sure you’ve read my chart.”
“Of course I have. It’s part of my job to know what’s going on with you.”
“Let me ask you something, if you had a boyfriend that was injured and might not ever be able to fuck you again, would you want to stick around?”
“I guess that would depend on if I loved him or not.”
“It’s not just about sex. It’s about the intimacy. If you can’t have that, your relationship suffers.”
“Only if you let it. There are other ways to be intimate with a person.”
“But I could never give her all of me.”
“True, but you could still please her just as much whether or not everything was functioning. The problem is, you think that since it wouldn’t be pleasurable for you, it wouldn’t be for her.”
“But..” Was that what I was doing? I suppose that even if it didn’t work, I could still find ways to make it good for her, but still.. “There are other things to consider, like having kids.”
“Have you even talked about that?”
“Not really.”
“Then why are you worrying about it?”
“Because it’s a major factor in our future.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “The future that you’ve already decided to throw away on the chance that your little soldier might not work?”
“I’m trying to give her a life she deserves.”
“If you were my boyfriend and made all these decisions without me, I would assume you really didn’t love me as much as you claim.”
I looked at her in confusion. “But I’m doing this because I love her. Because I want her to have more.”
“Then why is it so easy for you to walk away? If you really love her, you’ll give her the courtesy of explaining the situation to her.”