CHAPTER THREE
Cara
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE hell was wrong with me? For some reason, all logical thoughts went out the window when I was with Sinner. I straddled his legs and shoved my breasts in his face. All I could think about was how long it had been since I had felt a man’s hands on me. Before I was taken, I had only been with two guys. It had been six years since I was abducted and the desire to be with a man had never died. My therapist was going to have a lot to say about this new development.
I walked over to Drew and Sarah’s house to start the day as the nanny to her four kids. Drew was my brother’s friend and had married Sarah after she had her first set of twins. I had been their nanny from the beginning and now lived in Sarah’s house alone, that was next door to Drew’s, since they were married. Sarah was working at The Pub as the daytime manager, but still had one more month of maternity leave before she had to be back. The days were a little crazy now because Sarah had recently had twin boys. To say they were shocked was an understatement.
Drew was always gone by six because he had to be on the job site by seven. He worked from my brother’s other friends, Ryan and Logan as a construction worker. He was working longer hours now because they were trying to finish up some jobs before winter. The long days made it harder on him to help when he got home, so I found myself staying later at night to help Sarah and make sure Drew had a good meal when he got home. The walk home was always a little hard because of how dark out it was now, but I just kept reminding myself that I was in the country and it wasn’t that far from Drew’s to my house.
“Thank God you’re here.” Sarah came running over to me the instant I walked into the house. “Drew had to leave early this morning and both of the babies were screaming. I haven’t peed since I got up!”
“You could have called me and asked me to come earlier.”
“I know, but mothers do this all the time. I can handle a little morning alone time without totally flipping out. Right?”
She was so uncertain and it struck me as odd because she’d already been through this with her first set of twins who were now three.
“You have to stop panicking. You’re doing fine.”
“Sure. You say that, but you get to go home at the end of the day. Alright. I have to pee. The babies are sleeping and Henry and Charlotte are playing in their room.”
“So why didn’t you just go pee?”
“Well, it was either pee or get the coffee started and the thought of not having coffee just made me jittery.”
“Bad night?”
She squeezed her legs together and held up a finger. “Two minutes.” She took off toward the bathroom and I hung up my jacket and took off my shoes. Going into the kitchen, I grabbed mugs and poured myself and Sarah some coffee. After checking the fridge, I decided to make eggs and bacon for breakfast. If I left it up to Sarah to make her own breakfast, she would eat yogurt because it was easiest. She was breastfeeding and needed all the calories she could get.
“Okay, I feel better. Thank you so much for the coffee,” she said as she wrapped her hands around the mug.
“I just poured. So, tell me what happened last night.”
“Well, everything was fine for the most part. The babies only woke up twice, but after the first feeding, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I just kept lying there looking at the clock and thinking, if I fall asleep now, I’ll get five hours of sleep. If I fall asleep now, I’ll get three hours of sleep.”
“So, how much sleep did you actually get?”
“Two hours.”
“Sarah, go back to bed. You don’t need to be up. You said you just fed the babies. Go back to sleep and I’ll wake you up when it’s time to feed them.”
“It’s not worth it. I’m wide awake now. I’ll take a nap when they go down for their nap.” She took a sip of her coffee and closed her eyes. “Mmm. So you had your therapy appointment yesterday. How’d it go?”
“Well, he wants me to go out by myself to restaurants so that the pressure isn’t on.”
I had already told Sarah all about my social anxiety disorder. She was the only one that listened to me and didn’t judge.
“Well, you know I’d go with you. We could take all the kids. Maybe what you need is a distraction when you’re at the restaurant. If you’re trying to take care of the kids with me, you won’t have time to think about the panic.”
“True, but if it doesn’t go that way, you’ll be stuck with taking care of all four kids while I’m throwing up in the bathroom.”
She made a face of horror. “Okay, we’ll wait on that until you’re a little further along. So, when are you going to do it?”
“I already did. I went by myself yesterday.”
“How’d it go?”
“Well, I panicked. Knocked over my water on a waitress, then panicked some more and walked into another waitress carrying a tray of food and at that point, passed out.”
“Oh my God!” She covered her mouth in what I thought was horror, but then she started laughing at me.
“Shut up, bitch.” I threw a dishrag at her.
“I’m sorry, but man do you know how to cause a scene.”
“You know what they say, go big or go home.”
“What happened when you woke up?”
“Well, there was the most gorgeous man leaning over me and I stared at him for so long that he thought I had a concussion because I wasn’t answering him. Then I ran out of the restaurant and when he followed me, I thought he was a psycho and sprayed him in the face with pepper spray.”
She threw her head back in laughter. “Well, I guess that’s one way to keep the dates away.”
“I had to drive him back to his workplace. He works for Sebastian. Luckily, I didn’t run into him.”
“He would have understood.”
“No, he would have treated me like my brother treats me. Anyway, I took Sinner-”
“Sinner?”
“Yep.” I popped the p as I nodded. “And believe me, he is definitely sinful. The most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.”
“Go for it.”
“I think I already ruined that. I was helping him wash his eyes out at his apartment and I ended up straddling him.”
“Oh my, God.” She started fanning herself. “Tell me more. Did you sleep with him?”
“No, I flipped out because of how horny I was and I ran out of there.”
“When you do sleep with him, I need details.”
“Why would you need details? You have Drew. Surely your sex life could keep me going for another five years.”
“I have two sets of twins. Sex is not likely to happen until Mason and Isaac are a year old.”
“Well, either way. I really doubt that I’ll ever see him again. Did I mention I also threw up in front of him? Well, on him.”
She gave me a look of sympathy. “That’s a lot of shit to happen in one day. Please tell me you didn’t shit in front of him also.”
“No, if I had, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have been pulling me against his body.”
“Oh, Lord. I’m going to need a fan.”
“Well, I ran off, so I doubt I’ll ever see him again. I don’t even have his number.”
“But he knows who you are now.”
“Which will only work to my disadvantage.”
Nobody wants to date the girl that is so fucked up she can’t leave her house unless it’s absolutely necessary. I was destined to be alone.
✯✯✯✯✯
I sat at my therapist’s office recounting my embarrassing outing and the handsome man that I met while out, though I left out the handsome part. It had been a week and I was still just as mortified as I was the day it happened.
“Well, that’s quite a day you had. But look on the bright side, you’re still here. The world didn’t end.”
“I’m still here only because a stranger took pity on me and helped me out.”
“Yes, and from what you tell me, he was understanding. He didn’t judge you or run away when you sprayed him with pepper spray or when you threw up on him.”
“So what are you suggesting? I go find this guy and ask him to be my therapy buddy?” I laughed humorlessly at the suggestion. Dr. Penwarden just stared at me with a twinkle in his eye. “You can’t be serious. I’m attracted to this man.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Um, usually you don’t want to throw up on a man you like.”
“But you’ve already done that and he still wanted you.”
“Okay, well you don’t want to do it twice.”
Dr. Penwarden crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in his chair. “What if he was okay with it?”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve already covered that you haven’t had sex since before you were taken. Have you considered having a casual sexual relationship with someone?”
“Of course I have, but in order to bring someone back home, I have to go out and meet him first. That’s kind of why I’m here, doc.”
“So, what if he was okay with it? He’s already shown that he can handle your panic attacks and help you through them. Why don’t you suggest a casual relationship with him? You’re both attracted to each other, so I don’t see what the problem would be.”
I thought about it and it seemed like a good idea in theory, but the reality would be that this man would see me at my worst and I just didn’t think I could stand to be intimate with someone that would watch me repeatedly freak out.
“You already said that he makes you feel safe, that he pulled you out of the elevator when you were panicking. Is it being with a man that makes you scared? Because you were taken?”
“No, he never touched me like that, but I do think I would have issues with someone being on top of me.”
“There are many different sexual positions that you can try. Again, if you trust this man after just meeting him, he seems like the logical person to take this step with. If he’s protective of you, don’t you think he would be sure to protect you sexually?”
“I have no doubt he would. He backed off immediately when I pulled away.”
“But you’re still not sure.”
“I think I want to try again on my own. I’m just not ready to embarrass myself again in front of him. What if I wanted more some day? I don’t think he’s the type of man that gives more.”
“You think you could fall for him?”
“I think Mark Sinn is the type of man that could easily break my heart if I gave him the opportunity.”
✯✯✯✯✯
Just go inside. Stop sitting in your car and go get a drink. That’s all you have to do.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the car door and made my way to door of the bar on the other side of town. My brother and his friends went to The Pub all the time and I didn’t want to risk running into any of them, so I came here, to Mickey’s Bar. If I was going to humiliate myself, it wasn’t going to be in front of people I knew.
With a shaky hand, I pulled open the door and stepped inside. Just walking through the door had my heart beating out of control, but I forced myself over to the bar. Taking a seat, I gave a tentative smile to the bartender.
“What can I get you?”
“Jack and Coke.”
I needed something strong to dull my senses, or at least I hoped that’s what would happen. I fiddled with the napkin he placed in front of me and glanced around the bar. Everyone was talking with whoever they were with. When the bartender placed my drink in front of me, I took a gulp hoping that it would take effect quickly. The liquid swirled in my stomach leaving me nauseous instead of dulling my senses. Fuck, now I felt like I was going to puke.
I almost stood up, but I knew that if I kept leaving before I gave myself a chance to push through, I would never get better. I took another sip, but the taste had me on the verge on throwing up. Sweat beaded on my forehead and chills took over my body. Shit. It was happening again. As my heart thundered in my chest, I just knew that everyone was staring at me. They could see that I wasn’t feeling good. I probably looked pale and a little green. They were all staring and judging me. I jumped off the bar stool and darted for the bathroom, pushing someone out of the way in my urgency to get to the bathroom. I was barely into the stall, when I turned and threw up my drink into the toilet.
“Gross. Someone’s throwing up in here. Some people just can’t hold their alcohol.”
I heard two sets of heels walk out of the bathroom and slumped to the floor. Leaning back against the stall, I hung my head and let the tears come. I would never be normal. I would always be the girl that couldn’t go out in public. I couldn’t eat or drink without feeling the need to throw up.
How was I supposed to walk out of here now? Everyone would know that I had come in here to throw up. No doubt those ladies went back to their table and told their friends about the girl throwing up in the bathroom. Maybe I could slip out the back and cut through the alley. It wasn’t exactly safe, but at least no one would see me.
The door squeaked open and I probably should have gotten off the floor, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up yet. I wanted to wallow in my frustrations a little longer.
“Cara?” a deep voice said. That voice sounded very familiar and if I didn’t know better, I would guess it was Sinner’s, but how could that be? I had to be imagining it.
“I can see you sitting on the floor. Do you know how often they wash these floors? I’m guessing you’re not the only chick to throw up in this bathroom. Just something to think about.”
I wiped the tears from my face and then looked at my hands. They had been resting on the floor and were probably now covered in so much bacteria that I might next become a germaphobe.
“What are you doing here?”
“I walked in the bar as you darted back here. I waited a few minutes, but when you didn’t come out, I thought I’d check and make sure you hadn’t passed out.”
He was silent for a minute and I wasn’t quite sure what to say.
“You don’t have any pepper spray on you, right?”
“I haven’t replaced my last can yet,” I chuckled.
“And so you thought it was a good idea to come to a seedy bar alone and drink. Good plan. I could see how you would think this night would end well.”
“Shut up. I was trying to get out again.”
“So, why didn’t you go with some friends?”
“I didn’t want anyone to see me throw up again.”
“See, this is why you were supposed to give me your number. I would have worn different clothes if I knew I was going to be hanging out with you on the bathroom floor. We’re going to have to do a better job of coordinating these things.”
I sighed and chuckled at his attempt at humor.
“How about you come out and I’ll take you home?”
I just sat there. How did I tell him that I didn’t want to come out? I just wanted to sit here until the bar closed down so I wouldn’t have to face the other customers. I heard him sigh and then he walked over to the stall, then sat down and leaned against the other side. His hand appeared under the stall for me to take. I tentatively put my hand in his and felt him squeeze mine in a sign of support.
It almost broke me. Everyone supported me, but no one sat with me and just let me break down without the pitying looks. I just needed someone to tell me it was alright to not be okay. I knew I wanted to get better, but I needed to feel like I wasn’t a total freak either.
“So, you threw up. You haven’t passed out. Why are you still sitting there?”
“I don’t want to go out there.” I whispered after a moment. “Everyone will be staring at me. They all saw me run back here, so they’re going to know that I threw up.”
“So what if they do?”
“So, it’s humiliating.”
“Do you know any of those people?”
“No.”
“Have you ever talked to them?”
“No.”
“So, what makes you think they give a shit about you?”
“I’m not saying they do, but-”
“All those people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they probably didn’t notice you run back here. Even if they did, they certainly aren’t waiting out there for you to come back out. People in general don’t give a shit about other people’s lives. And even if they do notice you coming back out, you’ll never see those people again. So what does it matter.”
Well, shit, when he said it like that, I really did sound like an egomaniac. He squeezed my hand again and then pulled his away.
“Come on. Open the door and I’ll take you home.”
I grudgingly climbed to my feet and opened the door. Sinner’s face went from concerned to a little freaked.
“Okay, I take back everything I said. If you go out there like that, everyone will stare at you and point fingers at you.”
I looked in the mirror to see all my mascara had run down my face in scary, black lines. I quickly walked over and soaped up a paper towel and scrubbed my face.
“Ugh. Remind me to never wear mascara in public again.”
“Alright, so here’s the deal. We’ll go outside and you’ll walk with me. No one will look twice at you and we’ll get you to your car. Sound like a plan?”
I nodded and took a deep breath. No one would watch me. No one would care about a girl that was walking outside. I’d be fine.
Sinner took my hand and led me out of the bathroom and toward the door. My eyes darted around the bar and though I felt the walls closing in, Sinner was right. No one was looking at me. We walked outside and I felt my heart rate return to normal within a minute.
“See? No one was watching you.”
“Yeah, I know you’re right, but try telling my brain that.”
I looked at Sinner and smiled. He had once again come to my rescue. Dr. Penwarden was right. I felt completely safe with him. I trusted him.
“Um, do you want to come back to my place for a little bit?”
He sighed and ran a hand down the back of his neck. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Oh, of course.”
Seriously, dummy? You just threw up in a bathroom. Why would he want to go home with you?
“Cara, I’m really attracted to you and I would give my right arm to be in your bed tonight.”
“Then why?” I asked hopefully.
“Because my boss would kill me. I’ve been ordered to stay away from you.”
I looked at him in confusion. “Why would your boss care who you sleep with?”
“Because he’s friends with your brother.”
“Which makes me off limits,” I said, finally understanding. Now I was pissed. A sexy, sinfully good-looking guy was turning me down because my brother and his boss deemed me to be off limits.
“Why does your boss have to know?”