“Oh God, what the hell is that?” I said, looking over at the huge metal box Vanessa had just unearthed from her room.

“This is my makeup kit,” she said, slamming it down on the coffee table and opening the latch. Inside it looked like an explosion of color and glitter.

“That looks like a clown and a disco ball had sex and gave birth in that box,” I said, eyeing it suspiciously.

“Exactly!” she said, beaming at me as Josh laughed.

“I promise, she’s going to do you well,” Josh said. He was sitting at my side on the couch, his arm wrapped around my waist.

“Remind me again why I agreed to go to this party?” I said, but I couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Because you’re going to have so much fucking fun,” Vanessa said.

When Josh had invited me, I thought I would be going to a normal Halloween party like any other. I planned on dressing up as James Bond or Don Draper, wearing a suit, and calling it a costume.

But Josh and Vanessa—mostly Vanessa—had other plans. When I’d shown up in my suit, carrying a whiskey glass as a prop, they’d looked at me like I was a poor, sad puppy. I now had a rainbow scarf tied around my neck, some sort of cat ear headband on my head, and Vanessa was in the process of adding glitter to various parts of my face.

“I’m sorry,” Josh leaned over and whispered in my ear. When Vanessa went back to her room to fetch something else, I leaned over and kissed him.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I said. “This week has sucked at work, and I’m more than ready to go to this party. I’m… a little scared about this glitter, but I’ll manage.”

“Thank you so much for coming. It means more to me than you know,” Josh said.

Fifteen minutes later, Vanessa deemed me “sparkly enough” to head to the party. Josh put on his costume, and I thought I might have a heart attack on the spot. He wore blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a red leather jacket, and slicked his hair back with pomade to look like James Dean.

It was like something out of my fucking fantasies, and I had to work to keep my cock from perking up when he put on the jacket.

I slid my hand under the jacket and pulled him in for a kiss, right as Vanessa came out of her room, dressed head to toe as a zombie Snow White.

“Holy shit, that’s amazing,” I said, clapping slowly as she turned. “Why zombie though?”

“Because it looks cool,” she said with a laugh. Ethan soon came out in a red and white striped sweater with a hat, and it was instantly clear that he was Waldo.

“Well, we look like quite a mismatched set,” Josh said. “Glittery Don Draper, James Dean, Zombie Snow White, and Waldo.”

“Who cares if we’re mismatched? We all look fucking cool,” Ethan said. “Now let’s go!”

As we walked the many blocks to the big warehouse where the party was being held, I was worried that someone would see me. I didn’t even know why—there was no reason why I should have cared. I felt slightly self-conscious in the glitter and the rainbow scarf, but I knew it shouldn’t matter. And as we neared the warehouse, my self-consciousness lessened and lessened. Outside the place were seemingly hundreds of people in costumes so much more crazy than ours—robots with light-up panels, a cookie monster, a woman who was naked except for some tinsel around her hips.

“This is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen,” I said to Josh as we waited in line to enter, “and I think I love it.”

Josh smiled back at me, a perfect James Dean smile in his impeccable outfit, and my heart skipped a beat. A rush went through me and despite myself, I had to lean down and kiss him, slow and sweet, because I kind of felt like I may die if I didn’t.

And the most amazing thing happened: no one even batted an eyelash. The world didn’t stop turning just because I’d kissed Josh in public. In fact, when I looked around, everyone was absorbed in their own worlds, not concerned with us at all.

It was one of the most freeing feelings I’d ever experienced.

“Jesus Christ, I am going to lose it, the two of you are so fucking hot!” a guy said as he walked by us in the party, holding a radioactive-blue drink in his hand with a long, twirly straw. He was wearing blue wings on his back, and looked me and Josh up and down as we stood between the bar and a bubble machine. I felt some strange pride welling inside me.

“I know, right?” I said, positioning myself behind Josh and sliding my arms around his waist. I pressed a kiss to the side of his jaw. “He’s all mine though. Sorry to disappoint.”

I was many drinks deep at this point, and we’d been at the party for two hours. This wasn’t the first compliment we’d gotten, and I hoped it wouldn’t be the last. I was on cloud nine.

“No shame in that game,” the guy said, taking a sip of his drink. “Hang onto him, though, because honey, wow.”

As he walked away, Josh turned to me, kissing me before laughing a little. “I’m shocked, Adrian,” he said, biting his bottom lip. “Never heard you all possessive like that before.”

“Something about being here with you makes me feel it,” I said. “I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. I want everyone to know it, too. You look fucking hot, Josh.”

“Likewise,” he said, running his hand down my chest.

Music was blaring in the background, coming from the other side of the warehouse where people were dancing. Josh and I had danced together for a while, pushed up close to one another, and I hadn’t had a care in the world about it. It felt incredible. People would float by, smiling or complimenting us, and everyone seemed completely free.

“This place… I didn’t even know something like this existed,” I said. “I’m kind of in shock right now.”

“I’ll be honest, I was a little worried that it wouldn’t be as fun when I’m not on a bunch of drugs,” he said, “but I think it’s actually much more fun. I’m actually experiencing things, not just through a hazy filter.”

A woman walked by who was handing out long chains of rainbow beads, and she flitted over to us, adorning each of our necks with one of the chains.

“Thank you,” Josh said, blowing her a kiss, and she just smiled and danced away.

“Josh!” someone’s voice came from behind us, and we turned to see a man with blonde hair, dressed as an angel. He was model-attractive, and as he looked at Josh from head to toe, there was something different about him compared to the previous guy.

“Justin,” Josh said, leaning over to give him a hug. “God, it’s been so long.”

“Likewise. And who is this?”

“This is Adrian. He’s dressed as glittery Don Draper.”

He held out a hand to mine, shaking it. “Cute,” he said. “I’ve missed you, Josh. Why aren’t you at any of the events anymore? The Nellerson Gallery finally accepted one of my paintings, I couldn’t fucking believe it.”

“Seriously? Jesus, congratulations,” Josh said, his eyes wide. “Nellerson was always so picky.”

“Right?”

The two of them talked for a while about art world things that I had no clue about, then moved on to talking about some philosopher that Justin had been inspired by. The more they talked, the more I realized that Josh, plain and simple, knew so much more about things than I did—he knew more people in town, knew about art, knew how to dance. When he and Justin talked, they looked like two peas in a pod.

How could I compare to guys like this? I didn’t even know anything about my own fucking job, let alone anything about the world.

When Justin finally left, I felt a renewed sense of awe and admiration for Josh. How could someone like him want someone as lost as I was?

I dipped to kiss Josh again, and this time, I was much less coy about it. I kissed him hard, like I did when we were in the private hallways of the hotel. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pushing tight against me, and nothing could have felt better than that. He wanted me too. He could have had anyone he wanted in this entire warehouse, but he was choosing me—against his better judgment, even though I didn’t deserve it at all.

And just then I became overwhelmed with emotion. I knew I had been flaky with Josh all week, had been hot and cold. I was reverting to my old ways, for no other reason than the fact that I was so scared, and I felt like I couldn’t stop myself.

But something had shifted tonight. I felt like I belonged here more than I’d ever felt belonging anywhere else. This place was transformative, and I realized that in the deepest part of me, I wanted Josh. And if I kept making him wait around, never being enough for him, it was almost certain that Josh wouldn’t wait around for me.

That realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I kissed him. I held him close, possessively close, like he might vanish in an instant. I felt him hum against my lips, and his hips rocked forward against mine, sending a shiver through me.

“I need you,” I said, low and right near his ear. He gripped his fingers tighter against my shoulders.

“What do you mean?” he said, leaning back, looking me in the eye.

“I mean I need you,” I said, shaking my head slightly. “I don’t know how… or why… but Josh, you’re one of the most important people I’ve ever met. I—I don’t know what to say, or what the right words are—”

“Shh,” he said, holding a finger up to my lips. His eyes looked just as lust-drunk as I felt, and he gave me a nod. “Out back there are a bunch of benches. Wanna head out and check it out? Somewhere we can be on our own?”

I nodded quickly, squeezing around his waist. “Please.”

In another minute, we were making our way out the back entrance of the warehouse, Josh’s hand in mine as he pulled me forward. He knew this place much better than I did, and he led me through the crowds at the back bar, over to a large patio that was much less busy. The only people out there seemed to be smokers and other couples, completely concerned with their own groups. The patio was dotted with glowy lamp posts and covered with trees, a perfect respite from inside.

We found a few empty benches right at the outskirts of the patio. Josh put his pink and orange drink on the ground near us before sitting near me.

Instantly I pulled him over toward me, draping him across my lap, and kissed him. I was still so overwhelmed with emotion, but Josh had been exactly right about relocating outside. The cool, crisp air and the sounds of the night were much more calming than the inside of the party. As much as I had loved it in there, I also wanted to focus just on Josh, and that was exactly what I was able to do here.

I pulled back a little, kissing below his ear. “Tonight,” I said, my voice low. “I want to fuck you. Please, come back with me?”

Josh pulled away, letting out a long breath. His eyes were wide and cheeks so flushed. He reached over and took a long sip of his drink, brushing back a stray piece of his hair that had fallen forward.

“I want to,” he said. “I want it more than anything. But I… I don’t know.”

“What? Is everything okay?”

He leaned back, looking up at the sky before turning back to me. “I can’t… I’ve… the past few weeks have been so amazing but also so confusing, Adrian. I never know when you’re going to be available, when you’re going to be around… when you’re going to want me.”

I nodded, a slow guilt rolling through me.

“And… how do I know that tomorrow you won’t go cold, or be unavailable, or… for fuck’s sake, start talking about trying to find a wife, all the while fucking me?”

Those words hit me like an icy punch, one that hurt so much with the first blow but then radiated out forever. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

He shook his head, reaching over and grabbing my hand. He held it tight. “I know. And God, the last thing I want is to pressure you. But… I have my own life, too. My own goals, hopes, all of it. And I have to honor myself, too. I can’t pretend I don’t want more, Adrian.”

Jesus, I really had drunk too much. A few minutes ago I’d been on top of the world, and now, I felt a pricking at my eyes and I worried I may start to cry.

“I want more, too,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “I’m just… I’m paralyzed, Josh. I don’t know what to do, or what the right thing is to do. I feel like I have hundreds of people around me—management, executives, investors, basically the whole backbone of my business—who would pull the plug if I… don’t do what they expect.”

Josh was looking at me with big, open eyes, and with every word I said, I felt I was hammering another nail into the coffin of his trust. And why should he trust me?

“But I want it,” I said. It was hard to form the words, because I’d never let myself even think them before, let alone say them. They sounded foreign on my lips, like something I understood but couldn’t articulate.

“You want what?”

I paused, swallowing, hoping again that I wasn’t about to cry. “I want to be able to decide things for myself, without worrying about entire committees of investors,” I said. “And… I want you.”

His eyes danced over my face. He looked so impossibly beautiful in the low light, and it just was another wrench to my heart. “You do? I mean, you really do?”

I puffed out a laugh. “Jesus, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something more in my life. You know how much I think about you every moment of every day?”

He shook his head a little.

“When I wake up, I wonder what you have for breakfast. When I’m in meetings, I wish you were there to laugh at the stupid things they say. When I’m at some party or event, I think about which of the tiny little finger foods might be your favorite. For fuck’s sake, the other day I had a tiramisu and all I could think about was that day after high school, when I brought one to you at my party.”

Josh’s eyes were wide and clear. “I thought… I thought you didn’t think of me at all when I wasn’t around,” he said.

“Are you crazy?”

He shook his head. “I thought I was a way to let off steam. That when you saw me in the halls, you decided on the spur of the moment to kiss me, just because you were stressed.”

“What?”

He hitched one shoulder up in a shrug. “You did say you fuck guys just to blow off steam. Why should I be any different?”

I leaned over, putting my head in my hands. “Fuck,” I said. “That’s the opposite of what I want, what I think. And yet clearly I’m not showing that to you.”

“You’re really not,” Josh said, his voice quiet. I sat back up, reaching out to put a hand on his thigh.

“I’m so sorry, Josh,” I said. “You deserve better. And I know it.”

He sat there, just breathing and watching me, and it felt like the fate of my world hung on what he’d say next.

And then finally, finally, he gave me a nod. “I do. But you also deserve better for yourself. Don’t you want to be free, Adrian?”

I nodded. “Of course,” I whispered.

“And don’t you know you hold that power? No one else does?”

I pulled in a slow breath. “I think I’m starting to learn.”

He reached out a hand, stroking me against my cheek. I leaned into his touch, which I’d already come to love.

And soon, he had moved forward, crushing his lips against mine in a deep kiss. It was like he’d made some internal decision, and he now allowed himself to fully unleash, covering my body with his all over again.

I didn’t deserve it, still, and I knew it. But there was also no chance on Earth I was going to turn Josh away. His lips were hungry, and his hands slid underneath my blazer, gripping against me. He tasted like his tropical drink and I could smell the scent of the product in his hair, and I knew then that I had to give this man everything he deserved. There was no other option.

He was completely wild. Before I knew it, he was reaching down to my pants, unzipping them, and pulling out my cock.

“Fuck,” I whispered as he began to stroke me. “Here? Now?”

“I can’t wait,” he said, and though I knew it was risky, I also agreed. No one was around on the patio near us, and there was an entire row of trees between us and the rest of the party.

And besides, I was pretty sure I was going to come so fucking fast again anyway—if we were quick, it wouldn’t matter.

Soon, I was lost in him again. His hand moved along my cock and I began to leak from my tip, hipping up into his palm.

“After this,” I said, struggling to form words, “come home with me. I don’t want to sleep alone.”

He hummed against my neck, pressing a kiss there. “Of course,” he said, tightening his grip on my cock. “And later tonight, I want you inside me.”

I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut in pleasure. The rest of the world had dissipated, and I knew that soon, I was going to come in Josh’s hand.

And I made a decision: this was worth it. Not just the sex—but the fact that I could be honest with him, the fact that I could tell him I wanted to sleep next to him, that I hated being without him.

Being that honest felt incredible. And maybe, if I very slowly introduced the idea of me dating a man to the hotel PR staff, they wouldn’t tell me it was a bad move. I wasn’t going to take no for an answer—Josh was worth it, and I wanted all of him.

My head was buried somewhere in Josh’s hair when the first flash went off. I barely registered it until the second one, and then the third—camera flashes, unmistakeable, and very obvious when I opened my eyes. When it came again, it was closer, complete with the telltale sound of a camera shutter.

I broke off from Josh, pulling my hand out from his back pocket. I turned to look toward the warehouse, and instantly was blinded again by a flash. In another few moments, I could finally make out who was there: someone I vaguely recognized, with long, red hair.

“Hi, Joshy,” Cheetah said, staring both of us down as he snapped another photo.

“What the fuck?” Josh said, turning to stand up.

“Don’t bother,” Cheetah said. “I can obviously see what’s going on here.”

Cold panic had started to well up deep inside me. It was like being in a perfectly cozy blanket and then immediately ripped away and tossed into a biting, cold sea, and I started to feel nauseous as my brain caught up with what was happening.

“Give me that camera,” Josh said, reaching out. Cheetah flinched away, cursing under his breath. “Give it to me.”

“No,” Cheetah said. “I see what this really is, Josh. You really were just too good for us, weren’t you? Want to hang out with rich hotel boy now, have his tongue down your throat?”

“Cheetah, are you on coke?” Josh asked.

“It doesn’t matter what I’m on,” Cheetah said. “You left us behind. And I should have known that it was just because you’re a gold-digging slut.”

“Fuck you,” Josh said.

“Josh…” I said, swaying, barely able to form any other words.

“Cheetah, why can’t you leave me alone? You just can’t bear the thought of anything good happening to me, can you? Me getting away from my shitty old lifestyle, me finding anyone other than you to hang out with. This needs to end, now.”

Cheetah just shrugged, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. “Sure. It’ll end. And everyone who visits my site is going to see exactly who you are now, Josh.”

“You can’t,” I said, finally finding the will to speak. For fuck’s sake, just these photos could potentially ruin me—ruin the hotel, when investors pulled out. No one would want to support a change in management from old, wealthy elites to… me.

Cheetah just laughed, though. “It’s a nice cock you’ve got, Terrance. Don’t worry, people will be impressed.”

I felt the sickness growing inside me, my stomach churning with alcohol and deep regret. Josh continued arguing with Cheetah, but I knew that already, we were completely fucked.

How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so naive, so blind to the reality of what I was doing? I wasn’t just on my own anymore—I was a public figure who had to maintain good graces with so many people’s purse strings.

And this had gone and colossally, irreparably fucked everything up.

I stumbled as I made my way over toward the edge of the patio, and then it all hit me, far too fast. I threw up over the edge of the railing, and when I’d finished, all I could do was cry.

“Adrian, let’s just go,” Josh said, turning toward me. “Oh God—are you okay?”

I could barely process what he was saying. Soon he was behind me, his hand at my back.

“Let me get you some water—”

“No,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. I felt like I was swimming in a pool of murky water, only moments away from drowning. “I’m sorry, Josh,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say. My tears had stopped, and somewhere inside me I was vaguely grateful for that. But I couldn’t bring myself to look at Josh.

I turned, heading back toward the warehouse, pushing through the blur of happy, dancing partygoers.

“Adrian—wait!” I heard Josh saying from behind me. Cheetah was laughing, and it only made my nausea worse. I didn’t turn around because I couldn’t—I just knew I had to get out, get far away from here.

When I got to the front of the warehouse and made my way back to the street, my first instinct was to call for my car. But I remembered how I looked—glitter soaked with tears, this rainbow scarf, probably a hickey somewhere on me, and I didn’t have it in me to call my own car.

And so I held my hand out, trying to flag down the first taxi that passed by. A few skipped past me, picking up others down the street, but finally, one pulled up next to me.

“Adrian,” I heard as I reached to open the cab door. When I turned, Josh was there, looking at me with more hurt than I’d ever seen.

Maybe even more hurt than I’d caused him ten years ago.

“I—I have to go,” I said. I got in the cab and closed the door, unable to bring myself to look out the window at Josh.

I didn’t know if he was out there, trying to call to me, or if he’d given up on me altogether. The cab pulled away, and I didn’t look back.

I didn’t sleep at all. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and as the alcohol in my system wore off bit by bit, I realized with more and more clarity how awful this situation was.

Cheetah had photos of me, a reason to be pissed at me, and a relatively popular website. A website that my own sister frequented. At first I had thought it would be best to try to ignore Cheetah, to think that this was just a jealous ex-hookup of Josh’s, and that he couldn’t do any harm.

But he really could. And as the hours wore on, and my anxiety grew, I realized with a cold certainty what I had to do.

There was no other option: I had to just come out and tell the rest of the hotel management team, first thing this morning. My time at the hotel would be done, of course, and my parents would cut off any support to me. But maybe I could still salvage the hotel. Maybe investors wouldn’t have to find out, and a few photos of me being a fucking idiot wouldn’t compromise Grandpop’s life dream.

So early in the morning, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and put on my best suit and tie. In the mirror, I still looked like a zombie—huge dark circles under my eyes, a pallor I couldn’t shake, and a stray speck of glitter I couldn’t seem to get off.

But it was as good as it was going to get. My reputation didn’t matter anymore, after all.

I just wanted to save the hotel.

My heart pounded in my chest as I took the elevator down to the first floor, but I was ready. I had to be.

When I arrived in the executive wing, though, I wondered at first if I’d gotten the time wrong. It was eight o’clock, and most of upper management typically arrived well before now. But as I checked every open door, all of the offices were empty.

I saw, then, that the big conference room at the end of the hall was open.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

My palms grew sweaty as I made my way to the conference room, soon realizing from the sound that everyone was inside.

And when I walked in, everyone was gathered around a computer screen that had the photos of me and Josh plastered on it. All of my colleagues, looking at photos of my goddamn dick.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, and every pair of eyes in the room turned to stare at me.

“Adrian,” Lynn, the head of Public Relations said, “do you mind telling us who the hell ‘Cheetah’ is?”