For a long time, I had thought that I fell for people too quickly because of drugs. Everything felt good back when I used to get high, and lust was no exception; I’d be able to have feelings for anyone if I was in a good enough mood.

Since I’d gotten clean, though, I had calmed down. Gone were the anonymous hookups, the guys I’d think I was in love with after only knowing them for one night.

It was done with. In the past. And I thought I’d never be able to fall prey to that sort of misplaced lust again, now that I had grown up and ditched the drugs.

But Adrian was undoing all of those plans, expertly and right under my nose.

As I followed him down the stairs, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. His ass in those nice pants. His perfectly styled hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. And most importantly, the fact that he wanted to be with me rather than anyone else in this room.

It was worth every awful comment and look that I’d gotten from the wealthy guests of the party this evening.

We made our way down without being seen, but as we beelined for the exit, a woman beckoned Adrian over toward a table. He turned to me, his gaze sympathetic.

“It’ll be just one second,” he said, before stealing off toward the big table. I continued out, and no one seemed to care a bit that I was leaving. I guess that was the advantage of being a nobody—I could do whatever I wanted.

I made my way outside. Fall had been coming in slowly this year—just a slow changing of the colors of the leaves, and a gradual drop in temperatures as the weeks went by. But it felt like the universe had gone and decided to flip a switch from fall to winter, all in the time we had been inside the party. The cool night air whipped around me. It was refreshing, like a necessary slap to the face.

Keep cool, Josh. Adrian is your boss. Not every guy who is nice to you is interested in you.

A few minutes later, Adrian emerged from the building carrying a large bag.

“Jesus, what’s that?” I asked.

“Heavy as hell, is what it is,” he said, handing me the bag.

“Good God,” I said, feeling its weight. “What did they give you, a set of bowling balls?”

Adrian shook his head. “The party favors this year include cologne, a snowglobe, a tie, and a fucking laptop.”

I raised my eyebrows. “I’m sorry, what?”

He nodded. “Yep. They are giving everyone in attendance a laptop. Apparently they ordered a surplus of the ones they allow their most important hotel guests to use. As if anyone in that room actually needs a laptop in the first place.”

“Right,” I said. “There’s no way in hell they do.”

I held the bag back out to Adrian, but he didn’t take it.

“It’s yours,” he said.

“What?”

He blinked. “I didn’t get that for me. I wouldn’t have even taken one. But I wanted to get it for you.”

“Jesus Christ, Adrian, that’s too much, I can’t accept this—”

“Josh, I literally just got it for free. It’s not at all too much. Take it,” he said. “There are also two tickets to the Sennheim Museum in there, and… I wanted to know if you’d go with me. Maybe sometime next week?”

I smiled. “God, I used to love that place. They have this Yayoi Kusama exhibit that I can’t get over… it’s so beautiful, Adrian.”

“Good,” he said. “Then you’ll go with me? Tonight sucked, and you deserve a better night out.”

I let out a long breath. “Of course I will,” I said. “You’re too kind to me. I hope you know that.”

“There is no such thing,” he said.

“Carrying this heavy thing will at least keep me warm on the walk home,” I said. “Give me a workout. Maybe I’ll do bicep curls with it.”

“Walk home?” he said. “Want to just share a car with me? I have access to the company car service now. Haven’t used it even once, yet.”

“You don’t exactly have a long commute to work,” I said.

“Accurate,” he replied.

I considered what it might be like to ride back to my place in one of the fancy black cars that Adrian’s parents always used. I would sit next to Adrian in the back seat, close to him again, like we had been on the stairs.

I was almost certain I would get hard, and I had no idea how well I’d be able to hide it.

“I think I’m just going to walk,” I said. “Need the fresh air, anyway.”

“It is nice out here,” he added. “I’ll join you? Walk you home, if you don’t mind?”

“If you make me one promise,” I said.

“Anything,” he replied.

“Switch off heavy bag carrying duties with me for the walk back?” I said.

“Done,” he said.

We took off into the night, back in the direction of the Terrance Hotel and my apartment. I purposely took streets that were slightly smaller, with less traffic. I wanted to be able to talk with Adrian, free from the bustle of the city.

For a while we walked in comfortable silence, enjoying the sounds of the wind in the trees and the crunch of leaves under our feet. It was strange to feel so comfortable around someone—normally I wanted to fill the space with words, to talk about nothing.

But I didn’t feel that anxiety with Adrian. I didn’t feel like I had to be anything but myself with him. We switched the bag back and forth every few minutes, occasionally pointing out cats that walked by or nice old cars parked on the side of the road.

“It’s so weird to be back in Mistview in the fall,” he said near the end of the walk, his voice soft. “This is going to sound weird, but I forgot how beautiful it was. Oregon was incredibly beautiful in its own way, especially at the vineyard. But I haven’t been in a true city during the fall, since… well, since high school.”

I kicked a pebble forward as we walked. “I can’t imagine not being in a city,” I said. “How did you live? Did you have to get your water from a well? Did you have to walk ten miles in the snow to get to the general store?”

“Oh, shut up,” he said, giving me a push on the shoulder. “I wasn’t in that small of a town. But everything was so different. There is so much… more, here in the city, and I couldn’t appreciate it as a teenager. I was way too obsessed with leaving town.”

“I remember I thought you were crazy,” I said. “I thought, why would anyone leave the best city in the world for Oregon? But now, I understand more than ever.”

He nodded. “Most people had that reaction. But… it called to me. Most of all, I wanted to get away from my parents, the hotel, my whole life. But I also loved the idea of not being in a city.”

As we finally approached the outside of my apartment building, I slowed to a stop outside my stoop. I put down the heavy bag and stretched my arms. “Well, it seems like it worked out for you,” I said.

“What, moving to Oregon? I think it’s pretty much the opposite. I’m back here, after all,” he said.

“But… on your own terms. You lived ten years in Oregon, y’know?” I said. “That’s a success if I’ve ever heard one.”

He looked out past me, watching a lone car drive by on the street and then disappear around the corner. “I just… can’t help wondering how things would have been if I hadn’t fucked everything up.”

I tilted my head to the side. “What do you mean? You didn’t fuck anything up.”

“No, I mean… with you,” he said. His eyes were stormy, not light like they had been all night. “I should have fucking run after you, Josh. Apologized, that night. Why was I such an idiot?”

“Stop,” I said, holding out a hand. “Seriously, Adrian, you have got to fucking stop with all of this.”

His eyes were wide, as if he was surprised I had even said anything. “What do you mean?”

“Ever since you’ve come back to town, you keep putting yourself down. And there’s no need for it. I’m over it. I was hurt, years ago, but… I’ve forgiven you, Adrian. I know you were young, and I know you were scared and confused.”

“But you hated me,” he said, his voice quiet. “Your words.”

I paused, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Of course I fucking hated you,” I said. “That night in the garden was so bad because you were my high school crush, and it felt like you wanted me. It was this big dream come true, and then it was ripped away.”

Adrian’s brow furrowed. “Wait—what?”

“Yeah. Duh.”

“You had a crush on me… before that night? Before we ever talked?”

“Of course I did,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I can tell you right now that every girl in school, every gay guy in school, and maybe even a couple of the straight guys found you hot. You were a jock, sure, but… a sweet one, a clueless one. It was fucking perfect, Adrian.”

“I… I had no idea,” he said, a thousand emotions rolling over his face all at once. “I didn’t know you even knew who I was.”

“Everyone did,” I said with a shrug. “The point is… I only hated you so much after that night because I had liked you for so long before it.”

“I was so fucking oblivious,” he said, shaking his head and scrubbing his hands over his face. “It’s been ten years, and I never realized it.”

I sighed, laughing softly. “Well, I guess you still are that same kind of sweet and clueless then, aren’t you?”

Finally, the tension in his face dropped. “I guess so,” he said, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air, in defeat. “And you’re still fucking irresistible to me. Nothing has changed since high school.”

My eyes snapped up to his. I watched him closely, trying to decide how seriously he had meant that comment. He was watching me, too, his eyes smoldering, as he leaned back against the brick wall behind him.

“Nothing’s changed, has it?” I asked, keeping my gaze on him.

He shook his head slowly. “Nothing,” he said.

We hung in that moment for what felt like forever, just watching each other on the dark street, his face illuminated by a far-off lamp post.

And then Adrian reached out, putting his hand to my hip, gently. At first it seemed like it might have just been a friendly gesture—nothing out of the ordinary for two friends having a conversation about the past.

But then Adrian moved his hand downward, until he hooked his finger into the opening of my pants pocket. He tugged forward, pulling me toward him by my pants.

For a second, I was too shocked to move. But after the moment passed, I took a step forward, and then another, until the space between us had dwindled to nearly nothing.

“It hasn’t changed,” he said, his voice deep and low, like he was confessing a dark secret. “God, I still want you.”

He pulled me in a little closer, and then his hands tightened at my hips, wrapping around my waist until we were pressed together—Adrian sandwiched between me and the brick wall behind him. I could feel my cock hardening under my pants, and I knew that he must be able to feel it too, pressed so close against his leg.

“This is a bad, bad idea,” I whispered. We were so close now that I could smell his clean linen scent mixed with the wine we’d had earlier in the evening. His body radiated warmth in the chill air.

“I don’t care,” he said, reaching one hand up so slowly and then cupping my cheek. “I’m so tired of caring.” I could see every emotion pouring out of his eyes from up close, now, and it was even more intoxicating than it was from afar.

Every defense I still had inside me broke down at that moment. I shook my head weakly, unable to think about anything but how good his hands felt on me, one wrapped around my waist and the other now snaking around to the back of my neck.

And then he pulled me in, closing the little remaining distance between us, and pressed his lips to mine. There was little hesitation in his kiss, none of the shy, unsure gestures of our kisses long ago.

Adrian was a man, now. He’d had years of practice, and so had I. And it was clear he was well aware of just how to kiss me. His lips parted as he drew my body in tight to his, and I steadied myself with one hand against the wall behind him.

God, he had become a good kisser in the years we’d spent apart. Every move he made was deliberate, not clumsy and questioning. There had been men who wouldn’t even kiss me like this a month into a relationship. I’d been with guys who didn’t even kiss me like this after they’d told me they loved me.

His hand ran through my hair, which he gave a gentle tug as his tongue slid against mine.

I found myself wondering why I hadn’t done this sooner. If I had just told Adrian that I was still attracted to him….

He broke away for a moment, breathing heavy and stopping to press a small kiss to the side of my neck.

“Jesus, you feel so good,” I uttered, barely able to string together a coherent sentence. “We should have done this sooner. Why didn’t we—why didn’t we just do this, from the beginning—”

“Because,” Adrian said, pressing another small kiss to my lips. “It’s a bad idea.”

“Really bad,” I said. I leaned back a little, looking in his eyes—finally looking at him like I’d wanted to for weeks. I reached out, running a hand through his soft hair, watching as he smiled at my touch.

“I like being bad with you,” he said, and when I slid my hand down his cheek, he turned his head, kissing my fingers before giving them a little bite.

“I fucking like it, too,” I said. “Come up to my apartment with me.”

Something flashed through his eyes. It would be barely perceptible if I weren’t so close to him already, but I saw it: the subtle change from lust to doubt in his face.

He reached one hand up to mine, taking it in his fingers and pressing a chaste kiss to my knuckles.

“I can’t,” he said, in between small kisses. “I should probably get back to the hotel, soon.”

Doubt crept through me again.

What? What had changed, so lightning fast? How had I felt such intense abandon from him—pulling me close, kissing me deeply, pushing his cock against me—and then watched as he withered when I asked him to come upstairs?

“Fuck that,” I said. I leaned forward, kissing him again, deep and slow. I ran my hand down along his chest, to his stomach, and then I let my palm find its way to his cock.

I could feel that he was hard under his pants. I slid my palm along the long outline of his cock, and he let out an almost imperceptible groan.

“God, Josh,” he said, breaking off from my kiss. He planted his hands firmly on my shoulders and gently pushed me back, putting space between us again.

He was shaking. He took in a deep breath, pushing his hair back into its right place.

I knew exactly what was happening here. He was ending things, right when I felt like they were getting started.

“Definitely have to get back to the hotel at a reasonable hour,” he said, looking off down the street. “The schedule Mason has for me is so tight. If I’m not in my suite, bright and early at six in the morning when he comes by, there will be hell to pay.”

I was unable to speak for a moment, just looking at Adrian and nodding like a bobblehead. “Right. Of course,” I said. “You couldn’t tell him you spent the night out.”

I phrased it like a statement, but really, I wanted to see how Adrian responded. Could he really not spend one night out on his own? He was going to be the owner of the hotel—he wasn’t some pawn that needed to do everything his assistant said.

Or… maybe he did. Maybe his job really wasn’t something I could understand.

Maybe I was out of my depth.

He looked back at me, giving me a polite smile that was so obviously forced. “We can catch up again next week. The art museum, right?”

For a second, I couldn’t even process what he was referring to. I felt like I had whiplash. “Oh, yes—” I said finally, shaking my head. “The museum. We’ll go, next week.”

He reached out, taking my hand in his and squeezing it one last time. “I had a good night tonight, Josh,” he said. “See you soon.”

And then he was off, walking down the block at a quick pace.

I felt like I had just been through a tornado.

I walked up the three sets of stairs to my apartment, letting myself in and tossing the keys against the kitchen counter when I got in. Vanessa and Ethan were nowhere to be found, out doing their own fun things for the evening. I just stood there, not even turning on the lights, just letting the dim glow of the street filter in through the old windows.

What happened?

I’d had him. It was undeniable. That kiss had been molten—unlike any other kiss I’d had in years. Adrian was pouring himself into it, pulling me so close, like he needed me more than air.

And then, like a lightswitch, he was off. And I was here alone, wondering where I had gone wrong.