I adjusted my tie in the full-length mirror, taking a deep breath.

“I do not want to do this,” I said to Sean, who was lounging over on my couch, waiting for the party to begin. It was Friday night, truly the final night that my parents would be in charge of the hotel, and a night I’d been dreading for two months. I’d gone over my speech countless times in the mirror over the past twenty-four hours, and I ran the lines over and over again in my mind.

“I don’t really either,” Sean said. “But I think Mom and Dad would actually murder us if we didn’t attend their retirement party.”

“It’s worse for me, for God’s sake,” I said, glancing one more time in the mirror before turning back to Sean. “I have to take over the damn hotel tomorrow. And I’m pretty sure a lot of Mom and Dad’s beloved executives are going to shit their pants when they see how I’m going to run things.”

Sean lifted an eyebrow. “What does that mean?” he said.

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I just know that half the management already hates me for trying to fight back against the layoffs. And it didn’t even help at all."

“It’s so fucking terrible,” Sean said. “I went to see Josh a couple days ago. He was pretty fucked up.”

My eyes shot toward Sean. “What? Is he alright?”

“He’s fine. Just… not happy.”

I searched Sean’s face, as if staring at him hard enough would give me some answer, some insight into how Josh was doing. I didn’t deserve to know, but I desperately hoped that Josh was okay.

“Are you… okay, Adrian?” Sean asked.

I turned away, worried that my eyes must have been giving away every secret I had. “It’s nothing. Just… these fucking layoffs are going to be the death of me,” I said. “I still have meetings with Arnie scheduled, but I feel like he’s just going to laugh me off, yet again.”

“Oh, if you’re worried about how Josh took the layoff, don’t beat yourself up. He seemed a little more hopeful about the job front, and he’ll be able to find work pretty soon.”

“But you said he’s not happy,” I replied.

Sean shook his head, looking out the window. “He was messed up about some guy he’s been seeing. I’ve never seen him like that.”

I froze. “He was?” I asked, trying as best as I could to sound disinterested.

He nodded. “I’ve seen Josh date a little bit since I’ve met him, but never like this. Whoever it was really meant a lot to Josh. You could just tell by the way Josh talked about him. He was saying he could have fallen in love, even,, but that it didn’t work out. It’s really sad.”

I turned away, worried that I was about to begin hyperventilating.

“Anyway,” Sean continued, “that’s just to let you know that Josh isn’t doing great, but it certainly isn’t your fault..”

I was fairly sure that I would have passed out cold onto the floor if there hadn’t been a knock at the door right at that moment. Sean answered, and there was Mason on the other side, bright-eyed and eager.

“Adrian, we’re ready for you downstairs,” he said. “It’s finally time. Congratulations.”

I blinked, hoping that my legs would take me forward on autopilot, because I sure as hell couldn’t process what was going on. As Sean and I headed down with Mason, I was alternately numb and feeling so much that I thought I might burst, and when I walked into the lobby to a round of applause, I couldn’t even process it. Endless faces filled the room, wearing fancy clothes, drinking cocktails, all of them staring at me while I felt like my world was crumbling down.

I was met with a wave of congratulations and praise and champagne over the next half hour, throwing me into a lion’s den of situations I wasn’t ready to handle. Sean quickly disappeared into the crowd and I was left on my own, fielding questions and statements from so many of my parents’ friends and community investors.

There were hundreds of people in this room with me, and not a single one of them meant anything to me. Other than my own immediate family, this whole lobby was full of people that wanted nothing other than money and notoriety. I was like an alien, somehow on a planet I didn’t belong.

It was like ten years ago, all over again—my going away party. Only now it was my welcoming party, as if I was supposed to be glad to be handed this crown. I felt even worse than I had a decade ago, and now Josh wasn’t here, and it was my fault.

Again.

I made my way to the bar as quickly as I could. I knew I should have stuck to wine, and not much wine at that, but I leaned in close to whisper in the bartender’s ear.

“Give me four fingers of whiskey, then a nice glass of wine to chase it,” I said.

He eyed me warily, but shrugged. “You’re the boss, boss,” he said, pouring me a very hefty glass of whiskey. I looked around to make sure no one was in my immediate vicinity and then I chugged the glass, the alcohol burning down my throat. When he’d finished pouring my wine, I signaled for him to keep pouring.

“I need more,” I said. “I can’t handle this.”

“We all get nervous,” he said, pouring me a little more wine. “Don’t go too crazy, now, huh?”

Within minutes, I was back out on the floor and half of the wine glass was empty. I could feel the whiskey starting to enter my blood, but it did nothing to fix the numbness. All it did was make me a little sloppier around the edges, make this place seem more like a claustrophobic torture chamber than ever before

One of Mom and Dad’s favorite friends, Betty Stewart, approached me, and I had to steady myself by putting a hand on her arm.

“Isn’t it great, having all this wealth around you?” I said. Even I thought my voice was probably slightly too bitter. She stared up at me, her diamond earrings glimmering in the light.

“Well, hello there, Adrian,” she said, removing my arm from hers. “What’s that you’re saying?”

“Just that this is the dream, isn’t it,” I said. “Bunch of rich people, nobody else, all in the same room. Nobody even the slightest bit strange. Nobody different. Nobody who’s going to ruin your perfect little bubble. I mean—hah! Our perfect little bubble. Because I’m one of you now, aren’t I? This is my welcoming ceremony, after all.”

“Well, it is your parents’ retirement gala, yes…” she said slowly.

Betty was looking at me, quite confused, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“But of course, not even this is mine, really. You’re right, it’s my parents’ gala. And even after they’re no longer in charge, everything will still be theirs, really. Their friends investing in the hotel. Their rules. Their way, never mine. I just have to stand around, be a good little puppet, and all the money will be mine, huh?”

“I think maybe you’ve had a little too much to drink, there, Adrian,” Betty said, stepping away. “Not a great precedent to set on your first day, now is it?”

“Certainly not,” I said.

“Sir, are you alright?” I heard from behind me, and I turned to see Mason, concern on his face.

“Mason,” I said. “It isn’t sir. You never have to call me sir. I’ve told you this so many times.”

“Adrian,” he said. “You’re set to speak in five minutes. Are you prepared? Let me get you a water.”

I took a deep breath, swigging a little more of the wine. “I really don’t need water now, but thank you,” I said. I knew internally that of course I needed water, that of course it had been a terrible idea to drink so much whiskey straight right before my speech, but I felt like I was on a train with broken brakes and I couldn’t stop.

And really, I also knew that it wasn’t the alcohol making me this way.

I knew it was me—the real me, inside, finally coming out because there was no other option but implosion. I was breaking apart at the seams in real time, in front of everyone.

“You’re sure?” Mason asked. “I… I want the best for you. This is your night.”

I sighed. “You want the best for me. My mother wants the best for me. Has anyone ever asked me what I think?”

“I’m so sorry,” Mason said. I could see the panic on his face, wondering if he’d made some fatal error.

“Mason, you’re… doing just fine. I’m just having a hard time… adjusting.”

Suddenly, I felt a squeeze on my hand. Startled, I looked down to find that Mason was squeezing me hard, and when I looked back up, his eyes were intense.

“I know how hard it can be,” he said. “But I do believe in you, Adrian. And if you can get through this night, the hotel is yours, and you can do it your way. Don’t throw it away, please?”

I had to pause for a moment, so surprised by his sudden earnestness. He was usually so impersonal that when he got passionate, even for a moment, it felt like he was saving the world.

“If you can’t do it for… all of them,” he said, gesturing toward the crowd, “then do it for me. Do it for your Grandpop, and for yourself.”

I swallowed hard. “You’re right, Mason,” I said. “I know you are. Thank you for… for giving a shit. For caring about me.”

He gave me a quick nod, and then released my hand, right as my mother came up to us.

“Are you ready?” she said, her voice terse as always.

“No,” I said, being completely honest.

“Well, you should be,” she said. “You’ll do well tonight. You’ll do the right thing.”

I just stared at her.

“The right thing,” I said, not really a question, just a phrase that hung in the air.

She turned to me, lifting an eyebrow. “You remember what we talked about the other day,” she said. “We are Terrances, and we will do whatever it takes for our family legacy.”

“Right,” I said, feeling like I was underwater, and like every word I said was hollow. “Of course.”

“Maxine is running a little late, but she’ll be here within the hour,” she said, turning her chin up, gazing around the room like a queen looking at her kingdom. “Just do what you have to, and you’ll be set up for a good life. That’s all you really want, isn’t it?”

Her question floated around my mind, and I turned it over like a fading map. None of it seemed to make sense.

A good life. What did that phrase even mean to her? What the hell did it mean to me?

I watched as my mom’s eyes flitted around the room again. I knew she was scanning for the important people—deciding who to talk to and who to ignore. Who would help her, and who was useless to her.

And I recognized something in her eyes that I had never seen before.

A shift occurred in me, so small but undoubtedly the seed of something massive. I could almost feel it: the world tilting itself a little more upright, and things coming into sharp focus as I stood in that huge, impeccably-decorated room with my mother, surrounded by so many people.

For the first time, I didn’t see her as some all-powerful matriarch of the Terrance family, someone that I had to do everything in my power to impress.

My mother was fallible. She was terrified, right then, as she looked around at everyone.

She was even more scared than I was.

Mom was just a person, one who wanted nothing more than to protect her family and its legacy.

And no matter how frightening it was, I knew that I owed my mother that same protection. I could not—and I would not—go on like she had been doing for so many decades. I owed her honesty, and I owed myself honesty, too. I had lost so much when Josh told me he didn’t want to see me again, and now I had nothing more to lose. Things couldn’t get worse, and I was already so hollowed out inside that my last barriers broke down, crumbling completely.

Maybe it was my lack of sleep, my hangover, or just sheer dumb pride, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. I figured the simplest thing to say was the full truth.

“I’m glad Maxine is coming, and she can have a good time. But I’m not going to date her,” I said.

She furrowed her brow at me. “We’ve already been over this, Adrian, and I’m tired. Please don’t make me say it all again—”

“I don’t know if I’m ever going to have a wife, Mom,” I said, matter of fact.

Her eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?” she said, aghast.

“Most likely not, I’d say.”

“What on Earth are you talking about?” she asked. “Why not?”

“Because I’m gay,” I said, looking her right in the eyes. I felt my hands shaking a bit, but I couldn’t stop talking. “I’m gay, or I don’t know, maybe I’m bisexual?—but the fact of the matter is, there’s only ever been one person I’ve truly connected with, and it turns out, he’s a man.”

I felt like I had just said something that would turn her world upside down, but instead, my mother just rolled her eyes. “For heaven’s sake, I wasn’t born yesterday—I know you have your strange proclivities. I’m your mother, after all, I remember what I’ve caught you doing. But that doesn’t mean you can throw everything your grandfather built in the garbage—”

“And I’m not going to,” I said simply. Everything she was saying would have devastated me, paralyzed me, until this point. But I felt like it slid right off my back at that moment. “I’m… I’m not going to lie anymore. And I think you and I both know we deserve better.”

Her gaze was like a thousand daggers. “So you think going off to be with this man is worth sacrificing your entire career? Is that really what you are telling me, Adrian?”

“It’s not—”

“Worth sacrificing the most important thing our family has?”

“Oh, no,” I said, shaking my head. “My chance of being with this man again is completely over—I fucked it up, no one else. But I… I can’t lie about the way I felt for him. And for God’s sake, I’m not going to pretend for a minute that I feel anything for Maxine.”

My mother started picking at a stray thread on her dress, incessantly, and I realized I’d never seen her so openly nervous in my life.

“I’m not going to give up on the hotel, Mom,” I said. “I just… please, I need to know that you can accept me for who I am. Can you at least give me that? Can you be proud of me, respect me… for who I actually am?”

She was silent, staring at me. There was a frenetic panic in her eyes, as if she wished she could reach out and slap me, and was having a hard time holding back.

And after the moment stretched on, and she said nothing, and her silence filled the air to a deafening volume, I could only do one thing. I had walk away. My heart felt stretched in a thousand directions, but for the first time, I knew exactly what I was doing.

I was trying to do the right thing.

“Don’t disappoint me, Adrian,” she said as I started to leave.

I glanced back at her. “I hope I won’t. It isn’t at all what I want. But the truth is that… I can’t live my life for you,” I said, my voice calm. “It’s about time I started to live it for me.”

I walked away. Just then, Lynn walked onto the small platform at the far end of the room, turning on the microphone to introduce me.

I didn’t turn back toward my mother as I began to walk off toward the platform. I felt that I had something now that I’d never had before: a shield around me, protecting me from every drop of guilt she tried to load onto me.

That shield was finally believing in myself. I knew that I was naive when it came to running a hotel, but I also knew that I could find good people—the best people—to help me run it in a way that didn’t make me feel morally bankrupt. I knew that I had to break the cycle of trying to please investors, only to become their puppets, because it was something my mother was never able to do herself.

And though she might hate me, cut me out, or scream at me now, I knew that this was the only way I could compassionately treat her. I had to live my truth, even though she couldn’t live hers.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the new proud owner of the Terrance Hotel: Adrian Terrance!” Lynn announced, and as the whole room erupted into applause, I took the stage.

I thought I’d feel sick. I thought I’d feel awash, out of place, and like I didn’t belong.

But from up here, looking out at the sea of faces, I only felt calm.

I cleared my throat, and as I gazed out at the crowd again, they quieted down. Sean was at a table near the middle of the room, holding up his phone to take a video of my speech. Mom and Dad stood nearby, fear on their faces.

“When my mother called me to tell me that the hotel would be mine soon, I didn’t think I could do the job,” I said, remembering the lines that I’d rehearsed well ahead of time. “But the longer I’ve been here, the more I’ve come to realize that this job is important, and it’s one that I want… I want to do justice to,” I said.

I paused for a moment, and a few people coughed in the crowd, waiting for me to continue. Mason was looking at me with the brightest encouraging smile, but the longer I stood there, the less I wanted to say my rehearsed speech.

“It’s… it’s such a pleasure to be surrounded by you all tonight…” I said, but I trailed off. The lines felt hollow and wrong as I said them.

So I abandoned the script.

“Y’know, this hotel meant so much to my Grandpop,” I said, ignoring my rehearsed lines. “It meant so much to him. He’d come home after the longest day, but still be smiling, because it was his dream to start a place like this. It meant something. Stood for something beautiful and real and important.”

A few people nodded in the audience, and a few others sipped their drinks.

“And now… the hotel doesn’t mean a thing,” I said.

I saw more than a few raised eyebrows in the crowd, and Mason’s smile had dropped. I swallowed, pushing on, speaking from the heart.

“This place used to be more than just a hotel,” I said. “It was a community meeting place, a place where anyone and everyone was welcome to come by and grab a drink. There was art, local live music, and a sense of community that couldn’t be found anywhere else. And now? The only people welcome here are ones who can pay enough.”

There were a few gasps in the crowd, and I saw Betty furrowing her brow. Helen Holloway, the woman who’d been so rude to Josh about his tattoos, actually let out a snide laugh.

“That’s not how this hotel is going to operate anymore,” I said firmly. “It isn’t the kind of hotel I want to run, to stay at, to be a part of in any way. I want this hotel to be more than just a place with nice rooms and wealthy galas. I want it to be what it used to be: a place where anyone can feel at home.”

I could see my mother and father at the other side of the room, but I didn’t dare look their way. I was on a roll, and I couldn’t stop for anything.

“I want these things because… I didn’t feel at home here, in so many ways,” I said. “I didn’t feel welcome, even after being born into the family. Because I was different—and always so damn afraid to be different.”

My hands were shaking now, and I saw a few people rolling their eyes. Most people were still listening intently, though. Grandpop’s portrait hung on the wall on the other side of the room, and I knew that if he were here, he’d be sitting and smiling, leaning one arm against his cane, proud of me for this moment.

“I’ve always been on the outside of things looking in,” I said. “And I recently lost the man who is most important to me, just because I thought I had to fit the mold of this society. But if this society can’t accept me loving another man, I don’t want any part of it. And if you don’t believe that a public figure like myself can love another man, then… well… you will not be welcome at the new Terrance Hotel.”

The gasps and chatter among the audience were much louder now, and more than a few elderly couples dropped their drinks on tables, turned, and walked out of the hotel. I was running on pure adrenaline at that point, but for some reason, watching the people walk out only gave me more energy.

“I’m not a natural leader. It doesn’t come easy to me, and even making this speech has been very difficult for me. But if I’m going to be in any position of power, I have to use that power for the right things. I can’t live in fear. And I’m not going to any longer.”

I raised my glass high, looking out at the remaining members in the crowd. Many had left, but the place was still so much fuller than I could have expected. My mother was at the side of the room, tears streaming down her face. I tried not to look at her for too long.

“If you are with me—and you agree that this place is long overdue for a vision of inclusion and true hospitality, join me in celebrating the new era of the Terrance Hotel. And join me in remembering my Grandpop, Charles Terrance, as we celebrate tonight. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.”

I raised my glass again as I set down the microphone, and took a sip.

And after a moment’s pause, I heard the sound of someone applauding, loud and confident. When I looked back down, I saw Mason, smiling as he looked up at me, clapping with pride.

Sean started in next.

And then the applause seemed to snake its way around the room, growing louder and louder with each moment, and soon, it turned into a standing ovation.

I felt like I had just descended the highest roller coaster I’d ever been on—or like I was still descending, plunging into something so scary but so deeply thrilling in a way I’d never experienced.

I may have just fucked up my entire career, but if that was the cost of honesty, it seemed worth it.

The band started up again soon after, and I stepped back down into the crowd. It was slightly thinner—and there were still some couples giving me sidelong glances as I returned to the floor—but for the first time, I was seeing genuine smiles, too.

What happened for the next hour was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. So many attendees approached me, thanking me deeply. Some of them said that they remembered how my grandfather had run the hotel, but thought that those days were gone forever. Some of them talked to me about how they’d wished for a community space but figured it wasn’t possible in modern times.

But the reaction that surprised me the most was Mason’s. He made his way over to me after another couple walked off, and was sheepish as usual.

“Adrian, congratulations,” he said, his eyes wide. “I… had no idea about your feelings. This is remarkable.”

“Yeah,” I said, shrugging one shoulder. “I haven’t exactly been great about being open with my feelings about anything. It’s part of what I’m trying to change.”

He smiled wide. “I understand that feeling. As a gay man myself, your speech really connected with me. I had no idea, Adrian, and… I’ve also always felt the need to hide my orientation while I’ve been in this position.”

I swore my heart broke a little, even as it soared. I’d never known Mason was gay, because, well… he hadn’t really shared anything about his personal life with me. I reached a hand out, putting it on Mason’s arm. “Jesus, Mason,” I said. “You have no reason on Earth to hide that. Especially not if I’m in charge. Y’know… that is, if there still is any hotel left after all these investors go home and draft their hate letters to me tonight.”

Mason shook his head. “I think you’ll be just fine,” he said. “I overheard two of our biggest investors talking during your speech, and they called it outstanding.”

“Christ,” I said. “I was just speaking from the heart. I thought it was a little blubbery, actually.”

“It was great,” Mason said. “Thank you, again. You… you should be proud.”

I leaned in to give Mason a hug.

It did feel nice, having this praise for something I really believed in. But after the rush had died down, I found myself slipping back into that same emptiness. I had just finished one of the most important moments I could remember from my entire life, but the person who mattered most to me wasn’t here. I knew that even if I never saw Josh again, that I could make the hotel something that he’d be proud of.

In another minute, Sean and Alora came up, and Sean tackled me in a hug.

“Adrian, you’re an inspiration,” he said, beaming wide at me. “I didn’t know you had it in you. You rocked that speech.”

“It was pretty badass,” Alora said. She was still her usual self—she didn’t smile, or pretend to be bubbly—but for Alora, even this was high praise.

I let out a long breath. “I did what I felt like I had to. Y’know… to me, not to anyone else.”

“Fuck yeah,” Sean said. “You… you just made me excited for the future of this hotel again. I haven’t been excited about it since Grandpop.”

I nodded. “I know,” I said. “I haven’t, either.”

“Adrian, I love you, but I just saw them roll out the rum cakes and I have got to go snag one,” Alora said. And then she leaned in, giving me a hug.

“Alora, I never thought I’d see the day,” I said, hugging her back. I couldn’t remember the last time we had hugged.

“Don’t get used to it,” she said, but she winked at me as she pulled back and walked away.

When she was gone, Sean turned to me. “I have to ask… in your speech you said you broke up with someone important to you? What happened? You didn’t tell me anything about this.”

I let out a long breath. For some reason, talking about this one on one with Sean felt even more difficult than declaring it in front of an entire room of people. I knew Sean loved me unconditionally, and would never judge me at all, but it still felt so raw and vulnerable to finally be discussing it out loud.

I hadn’t thought I would ever be able to discuss it out loud. I was so glad I still had the alcohol flowing through me.

“I… had someone,” I said. “I was so afraid of saying it to anyone, but it’s true. I’m still terrified, actually, but I’m trying.”

“I’m so sorry you felt afraid,” Sean said, his face falling. “God, you know you could have told me, you know you can tell me anything—”

I nodded quickly. “I know. And I should have. I just couldn’t get the fuck over myself. I regret it. And… for that same reason, I lost the one person who should have been my priority.”

A glimmer of recognition flashed across Sean’s face, and his eyes grew a little wider. “Wait…” he said. “Adrian, I heard another, very similar, sad story from someone else I know, a couple days ago. Someone we both know.”

I was silent. No matter how open and honest I’d been in the last hour, it still felt like the biggest admission in the world to tell Sean that he knew the person I’d been falling for. He knew him very well.

“It’s over now, Sean,” I said softly. The lobby was still abuzz around us with music and chatter, but Sean and I spoke quietly, as if in a bubble alone at the center of the room.

He started shaking his head slowly. “No. It can’t be,” he said. “How could I… Jesus, why didn’t you guys tell me?”

“He wanted to tell you,” I said. “Don’t blame him. It was my fault.”

Sean was still shaking his head. “I don’t blame anyone. I just… I can’t fucking believe it. It’s so obvious, but….” Suddenly, his gaze became determined. “Adrian, you have to chase after him.”

“No,” I said firmly, with a shake of my head. “I told you, it’s over. He deserves better than me.”

Sean snorted. “Are you fucking stupid?” he said. “I mean, I love you, but God. No wonder you’re still alone.”

I gave him a little slap on the shoulder. “Hey, fuck you,” I said.

“You’re an idiot if you don’t go after him. All he wanted was for you to be open and honest—with yourself, and with everyone. And if you’re willing to face those fears, and put in that work—Josh will be yours, Adrian. He kind of already is.”

His words stirred something inside me. Sean was wrong, of course—but he couldn’t have known just how much impact that simple phrase would have on me—“Josh will be yours.”

He had no idea how badly I wanted that. No idea about our history ten years ago, about how much I’d thought about Josh, how terrified I’d been when I wondered if I’d ever want someone as much as I wanted him.

But his words sparked something in me that I hadn’t previously had: hope. Maybe it was dumb to hope for one more chance with Josh, after he’d already given me more chances than I deserved.

But maybe, for once, I could believe in that hope.