I liked to think of myself as a rational person. I could remain in control of my emotions. Make sure that I did my duty, even when I didn’t want to. I liked to be on an even keel.

Tonight, all of that had been hurled out the door, faster than a freight train.

I really had stood no chance with Josh from the beginning. I’d wanted him from the minute I’d seen him in the hotel, those blue eyes fixing on mine. Josh was a symbol for everything in my life that I had wanted but never gotten, of everything I’d never had because I’d been too afraid.

Back at the end of high school, I’d been so afraid that I’d let Josh run off, and I’d had to live with the idea that I’d never see him again.

But we were all grown up, now. Tonight, there was no one that was going to tell us no, nothing other than our own fears and insecurities to keep us away from one another.

And when Josh had opened up to me, saying he felt like he never could make a true connection to anyone, it would have killed me to let him go on thinking it was at all true. Some part of my brain rationalized it this way: I had to show Josh how much I cared about him, had to show him how deeply I had wanted him.

He needed to know.

When I kissed him, I felt like I could show him. There was no better way I knew how.

And now that it was actually happening—my lips were on his, and we were so close again—it was so much better than I had even remembered it. There was something more to this kiss than there had been to the one last week. We were inside, safe in Josh’s apartment, free from the outside world.

His body near mine felt almost too good, like I might come apart at the seams just from feeling how his smaller frame fit against mine. As we kissed, I’d become insistently hard under my pants, and just the light friction was driving me crazy. I wasn’t just turned on by the feeling of him against me, but also by the knowledge that he wanted this, too—that against all odds, he actually wanted to touch me like this, wanted to give himself to me so fully. But with every small move Josh made, his body sliding against mine, my cock twitched and began to ache between my legs.

Josh pulled my lower lip gently between his teeth, and I let out an obscene sound. It really was too much, so much of what I wanted concentrated into one small moment. I pulled away slightly to catch my breath, but when Josh started to move away, I clutched him close to me.

He lifted an eyebrow at me. “You okay?” he whispered near my ear, stroking a hand down my cheek. He looked in my eyes, and I could see worry in his gaze.

“God, yes,” I said. “Just overwhelmed.”

“I know what you mean,” he said.

“It’s... been a while.”

I knew that in reality it hadn’t been that long since I had been with another man, but it felt different with Josh than anyone else. There was something more than just skin on skin, than the warmth of his body, than his clean, masculine scent.

Because I also had the knowledge that this was him. This was the first guy I had ever kissed, so long ago. He had trusted me that night, and at least for this moment he trusted me again, despite the fact that I couldn’t possibly deserve it.

“It’s been more than a while for me, too,” he said. “I’m… nervous, I have to admit.”

I shook my head, leaning in close to him again, pressing a slow kiss to the side of his neck. “You have absolutely nothing in the world to be nervous about,” I said.

It was a side of Josh I hadn’t seen much of before. I was so used to him being so forcefully confident that I hadn’t even considered that he may be nervous, too. And that knowledge flipped a switch inside me—made me shift from feeling scared to feeling like I wanted to nurture him, to do anything in my power to make sure that he was okay.

I had failed to do that ten years ago, but I could try to do it now.

I kissed him against his temple before I shifted, gripping my hands tight around him, and lifted both of us off of the couch in one fell swoop. Josh let out a surprised gasp.

“Jesus Christ,” he said, his eyes going wide as his limbs tightened around me and I started to carry him.

“I’ve got you,” I said, squeezing him. “Which one’s your room?”

He tossed his head to the right side of the room, where a door opened to his bedroom. I carried him over, bringing him to the bed.

“I don’t think anyone has ever picked me up,” he said, and a smile slowly spread over his face.

“Well, I want you in bed,” I said, reaching the other side of the room and laying him down. “Quickest way to do it is to put you there.”

“You’re wild,” he said. “Guess it isn’t really that far of a trek in this apartment.”

Josh was right—the apartment was small, but it felt cozy in a way I wasn’t sure I’d ever experienced before. As I looked around I suddenly was very glad that we were here rather than at the hotel. It was beautiful there, sure—but it was still a hotel, still a slightly sterile environment.

And besides, the hotel reminded me of far too many things. I didn’t want to think of a damn thing right now other than Josh. His room was covered in art and books and he even had a framed portrait of Marilyn Monroe, which was adorable and somehow exactly what I’d expect from Josh.

This place felt like someone’s home. And for once, I felt welcome in it.

I wanted Josh so badly that I barely knew what to do. He was lying on the bed under me, now, and he propped himself up on his elbows, looking up at me. The hem of his shirt was riding up a little, revealing the smooth skin underneath, and just that was enough to make my cock twitch again in my pants.

“Get this thing off,” I said, tugging at the bottom of the shirt and pulling it up over his head. He took it off, flinging it over to the side of the bed, and looked up at me again, more vulnerable than ever.

“Jesus,” I said, my eyes skating over his stomach, his chest, the dark tattoos along his arms. He looked strong and gentle at the same time, the fiercest and most tender person all wrapped in one body.

“I know, nothing special,” he said with a joking tone, and it caught me off guard. I’d been so busy admiring that I had inadvertently been staring at him, saying nothing.

“Are you out of your mind? You’re fucking beautiful, Josh,” I said, reaching my hand down to his hip.

He laughed softly. “Shut up. I don’t work out enough.”

I clicked my tongue. “You look pretty damn perfect to me.” Josh’s body was smaller than mine, but in no way looked weak. I almost felt a hint of intimidation as I looked at him—how could someone this beautiful want anything to do with me? How could I possibly treat him right?

But I shoved every doubting thought to some back corner of my mind. If I didn’t keep touching him, I was sure he would suddenly disappear into thin air, like some dream.

I leaned down, pressing a kiss to the side of his body. He shivered a little, and I reached down to grasp one of his hands in mine, trying to steady him. I realized that he was shaking.

I wondered if he could feel that I was, too.

I moved slowly upward with my kisses, trailing along the planes of his stomach, from the soft hair that peeked out from the waist of his pants up to the bottom of his ribcage. Every time he sucked in a breath I could feel it under my lips, and when I found a spot near the side of his body that made him shiver, I stayed there a little longer.

“You’re absolutely killing me, Adrian,” he said softly, his breath hitching a little when he said my name. I hummed, moving up further, until I kissed one of his nipples, flicking it with my tongue.

And much to my surprise, a peal of laughter filled the air, and Josh’s hands gripped tight against me.

“It tickles—fuck, it tickles,” he said between laughs. It was contagious, and I couldn’t help but laugh, watching him squirm underneath me.

“Wait, what do you mean?” I said, teasing. “This tickles?” I quickly moved back down, dragging my tongue along his nipple again and eliciting another stream of laughter.

“Oh, fuck you, Adrian,” he said, writhing under me as I laughed against him.

“Okay, okay, I’ll take mercy on you,” I said, kissing over to the center of his chest, feeling as his arms wrapped around me again. “Although it does make me feel a little too powerful, now that I know how to get that reaction.”

“You better not use that against me,” he said, smiling.

“Me? Never, of course,” I said. I was on top of him now, straddling him with each of my hands placed on either side of his head. I raised up, just looking at his eyes for a moment, wishing I could freeze right here.

I loved how responsive he was, how easily I could make him shudder or gasp with just my hands and tongue. It was like we were in a dance together, every movement I made causing him to shift or buck his hips, every kiss making him sigh or clutch me closer.

I leaned in to catch him in a kiss again, and suddenly the silliness of the last minute melted away. He kissed me even harder now, wrapping his legs up around me, his hands tight against my body. He seemed a little needier now, clutching me close, kissing me with a new heat and zero hesitation.

I was drunk on him. As we kissed, my hand skated along his stomach until I dipped lower, reaching inside his pants and palming his cock through the thin fabric of his boxer briefs.

“Oh my God,” Josh said, groaning as his cock twitched under my palm. He was just as hard as I was, and I loved it—it was proof that he wanted this just as much as I did, that he wanted me.

“I want to make you come tonight,” I said close to his ear, and immediately he moaned again, needy and hipping upward, pressing his cock against my palm. “Please,” he said as he ran a hand down my back.

I tightened my grip on his cock, squeezing around him, still through the fabric of his underwear. There was something erotic about touching him like this, almost skin on skin, but not quite. A decade of desperation condensing down into one small moment, one pair of bodies in this small apartment.

Soon I moved my hands to the button and zipper of his pants, undoing them slowly, watching Josh’s eyes. I hitched my fingers along the waistband and pulled his pants and underwear down together, in one motion. Josh was naked in front of me now, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.

A swirling tattoo in a serpentine pattern started at his hip and worked its way along his upper thigh, rendered in dark lines. I ran my hand slowly along the tattoo.

“So this is the one that most people don’t see?” I asked.

He nodded. “Actually… no one but you has ever seen it. Besides my tattoo artist, that is. I got it just a couple months ago.”

“Wow,” I said. The knowledge that no one other than me had seen it was a little too intoxicating. It made me feel special in a way that I probably had never experienced before. “I absolutely love it.”

I bent down, pressing my lips to his thigh, tracing the tattoo with my tongue. Josh rolled his head back in pleasure as I kissed all around the skin there, gripping my hands on his hips.

My lips were very close to his cock now, but I teased around it, dragging my tongue along his inner thigh.

“You fucker,” he said, letting out a long breath. “You’re trying to torture me again. Tickle me.” He was smiling down at me.

“Maybe,” I said. “Just a little.”

I was stroking my hands firmly down his thighs when I saw that a bead of precum had gathered at his tip, clear and shiny and showing me exactly how desperate he was for touch. I gently put the tip of my finger there and swirled it around, and Josh moaned louder than he had before.

“Fuck, Jesus Christ, Adrian,” he said, shaking again. “I want you.”

I gave his cock one firm squeeze before pulling back. “Hang on,” I said. I got up, running my hand along his stomach one more time before standing and starting to take off my clothes. I made no ceremony about it—I had just realized that I was very clothed and he was very naked, and I needed to feel his skin on mine.

But when I was shirtless, I turned to see Josh’s eyes on my body, like he was devouring me with his gaze, and it shot a thrill straight through me.

I tried then to make a little more show of it as I slowly removed my pants. I turned to face him completely as I kicked off my pants, and all that was left were my boxer briefs. My cock was hard as can be and straining obviously through the underwear, leaving a thick outline, and I palmed myself through the cloth as I watched Josh on the bed. He didn’t take his eyes off me for a second.

“You are way too fucking hot for me,” he said, his voice low. He shook his head as his eyes traveled along my skin and to my cock.

“Wrong,” I said, and hitched my fingers into my waistband, pulling off my underwear and letting my cock bob free.

“Of course,” Josh said, furrowing his brow in an almost pained expression as he looked at my cock. “It’s perfect. Of course it is. Fucking Adrian Terrance. You have everything, don’t you?”

I couldn’t help but smile as I lightly dragged my hand along my length. It felt good to be looked at in this way, to be admired. I normally didn’t allow any time for it when I hooked up with men—honestly, I don’t know if I wanted them looking at me at all. I only wanted release.

But Josh’s eyes on me felt like heaven.

A moment later, he was leaning over the side of the bed, reaching out a hand to mine, and yanking me back over to him.

“Get over here,” he said, his voice a low hum. I collapsed on top of him again, and the next moment, I was bending low, kissing him hard. It was all skin on skin now, the warmth of his body so necessary in the relatively chilly room. As we moved together now, our cocks were sliding against one another, another tease so good but so far from being enough. It was amazing and torturous at the same time.

When I felt that Josh’s tip had become slick with more precum, I took mercy on him. I moved downward, kissing down his chest and stomach until I reached his cock. I pressed a kiss first to his tip, and when I glanced back up at him, the look in his eyes was the only encouragement I needed. He looked so vulnerable, so needy, but also demanding. And when I finally brought his cock into my mouth, he let out a deep, satisfied moan.

“Fuck,” he whispered, watching me as I slowly worked down along his cock, taking him deep into my mouth.

However responsive Josh was earlier, it was nothing compared to now. He was like no one I’d ever been with before—deeply vocal, bucking his hips, shivering every once in a while. As I worked my mouth on him, he cursed quietly, saying my name, calling out. His fingers were gripped tight around me, one hand on my shoulder and the other lacing through my hair.

“Adrian, you are too fucking good at that,” he whispered, hipping up into my mouth again.

I hummed back at him, taking him deeper, eliciting another deep groan.

As I continued, I slowly realized that I wanted to be able to make Josh feel this good every day. Why hadn’t we done this sooner? What had I been thinking? It was so simple, now that he was under me—inside me—and in my intoxicated haze, I couldn’t imagine any reason not to be right here, always by his side.

Everything made sense when it was just me and him. I could show him exactly how much I cared about him, just through my touch.

And finally, it felt like he understood.

Even as I lavished attention on Josh’s cock, neglecting my own, I stayed so turned on I could barely stand it. I felt like I could come just from this, from watching him and hearing him underneath me.

“Oh God, please, Adrian—its so good—” Josh was saying, and I quickened my pace, wrapping a hand around the base of his cock as I worked my mouth around him faster.

“Fuck, it’s too good,” he said. The movements of his hips became more frantic and rapid, and I knew that he was getting close.

“You’re gonna make me—fuck—” he said, barely able to form words. “I’m gonna come,” he said again, his voice weak.

I hummed around him in encouragement, tightening my hand around him and sucking hard.

And then he let out the most beautiful sound—a long, slow moan, and bucked his hips up. He repeated my name over and over as he came, and I swallowed around him, holding him so tight as he let go inside me.

I loved that I gave this to him. Loved his expression as he came, loved the way he felt, loved how tight he gripped me. I loved fucking everything about it.

When I pulled off, moving to lie beside him, Josh didn’t take his hands off of me. Even as he lay with his eyes closed, breathing heavy, he reached over, draping an arm on me, as if he couldn’t bear the thought of not touching me. I watched as he came back down to Earth, his eyelids slowly fluttering open, and he looked at me again.

“I haven’t come like that in… a long time,” he said, his voice a little hoarse.

“That’s a damn shame,” I said. “I want to fix that for you.”

He hummed, shaking his head a little. “You’re too good. I can’t… I can’t believe it.”

I leaned in, pressing a slow kiss to the side of his head. “You deserve it.”

“Fuck,” he whispered again, licking his lips. For a while we just stayed there, in comfortable silence, and I watched as his breathing slowly came back to normal.

And then in a flash his eyes were on me, and it felt like I was electrified all over again. He propped his head up, peering at me. “How are you so gorgeous, Adrian?” he asked, as if he was a scientist asking a question about some new species. “You look like you should be some soccer player or underwear model.”

“And instead I’m a crunchy granola, yoga-obsessed lazy person who feels at home in Oregon.”

Josh snorted. “You don’t exactly seem lazy to me. Those other things, sure.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You flatter me,” I said.

He shook his head a little, his eyes dancing across my face. “I mean it, though,” he said. “Your body….”

Suddenly he turned, reaching over to the side of his bed. He rummaged around underneath the bed for a few moments, and when he emerged again, he was holding a small sketchbook and a pencil that needed to be sharpened.

“I hope you don’t think this is weird, but… can I sketch you really quick?”

I raised my eyebrows. “You want to draw me?”

He rolled his eyes. “C’mon—just let me? All you have to do is lie there and be hot like you’re already doing.”

I smiled. “Of course I don’t mind,” I said.

I hadn’t realized what it was going to feel like to have Josh’s eyes on me so intensely, though. No one had ever drawn me before, and I felt I was being seen in a much more acute way than normal. As the sound of his pencil scratches filled the room, I breathed deep, and seeing Josh’s eyes travel all over my body only made me harder.

This was intimate. And I didn’t know if I was supposed to find it quite so hot. I tried to ignore my cock as best as I could, but I couldn’t help but see that I was leaking a little from the tip, just as Josh had done earlier.

“Okay,” he said, and I almost jumped at his voice. I’d been in a semi-hypnotized state, and only now did I remember that I needed to interact. “I could probably spend a lot longer on this, but… what do ya think?”

He passed me the sketchbook.

“Christ, it’s beautiful,” I said, gazing at the linework. It was certainly a quick drawing, but it was incredible what Josh had created in just ten minutes. “It looks way better than I really look, though.”

“It’s nothing much,” he said, waving a hand. “But… it’s the first thing I’ve drawn in, God, over a year.”

“Really?” I asked. “Josh, you need to do it more. This is incredible quality for a ten-minute drawing.”

“Now you are flattering me,” he said.

“I’m really not. I know nothing about art, but I know that that is really good.”

He leaned over and kissed me, and even after everything we’d done, it still felt impossibly good just to have his lips on mine.

When he pulled back, I handed him back the sketchbook. “Josh, Tonight was a fucking dream,” I said. “You have… no idea how much I needed this.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “And what do you mean, it was a dream? Tonight is just getting started.”

“Hmm?” I asked, watching him.

He eyed me, mischief in his gaze. “You know I’m going to make you come even harder, right?”

I felt like lightning coursed through me at that moment. “Oh?”

He nodded. “Yes.” He rolled over onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow and staring at me. “There’s no way you’re getting out of here without coming at least once.”

My cock twitched between my legs. “I see,” I said. “And how exactly do you plan on doing that?”

He lifted one eyebrow. A moment later, he moved his hand downward, and then I felt a flood of tight warmth on my cock. He had wrapped his hand around me, and I pulled in a quick breath of air.

Nothing could have prepared me for how good this felt.

“Trust me,” he said, his voice gravelly and determined. “I know what I’m doing.”

And there it was again: the confident, brash version of Josh that I loved so much. I loved all the different versions of him I’d seen, though; tender, vulnerable, confident, needy. They were all good in different ways, and I couldn’t imagine any other version of him but this multi-faceted, amazing person in front of me.

And from the moment his hand tightened around my cock, I knew I was a goner. The moment was too sweet, was something I had wanted for far too long, and I felt ten years worth of overwhelm rise up in me in just that short amount of time.

Josh had his hand around me, while he lay next to me, looking in my eyes. No matter how impossible it seemed, it was really happening—even here, in his house. And when he began to stroke up and down with a sure grip, I already felt myself beginning to lose control.

I realized at that moment that Josh knew me better than anyone else did. I hadn’t even spent much time with him, but being with him was like everything snapping into its right place, all in an instant.

He knew how to talk to me. He knew some of my deepest secrets. He didn’t care about my family, or my history, or anything that other people dwelled on.

And the combination of it all: his eyes, his apartment, his tight strokes on my cock, pushed me over the edge, far too fucking fast.

“Oh my God,” I whispered, my voice cracking. I had forgotten I could speak.

Josh must have sensed some sort of alarm in my voice, because he leaned in closer to me, pressing his lips to mine in a deep, reassuring kiss, while he still kept his hand stroking along my cock.

He cared about me. And after everything I’d done to him, he still hadn’t let me go.

And if I wasn’t doomed before, that kiss is what sealed the deal. The slick warmth of his tongue against mine went straight to my cock and then it was like I wasn’t even in control of my own body anymore—I was going to come, sooner rather than later, and no amount of shame or embarrassment could stop me. I reached my hand up and to his shoulder, holding onto him like I’d hold onto support in the middle of a storm.

“Fuck,” I said, moaning against his lips, and my body jerked quickly. My hips bucked, and it felt like a wave crashed over me without warning.

And then I proceeded to come, so fucking hard, all over Josh’s hand and down onto my stomach.

He gasped against my lips, pulling back a little in surprise, and looked down at my cock.

“Oh God,” I said, still coming, still so turned on. Holy hell. How in the goddamn world had he just made me come in under two minutes?

“That was so hot,” Josh said, giving my cock another squeeze. Pleasure rolled through me again, and I groaned.

“I’m sorry—that came out of nowhere—good Lord,” I said, finding it hard to speak. My hand was still gripped so tight against his shoulder, and he was smiling at me, desire in his eyes.

“You’re sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about. Jesus, really, Adrian, that was hot as hell.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “I swear I’m not usually that quick.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s a compliment to me. And you’re so… sensitive. I can’t even imagine if I’d put my tongue on you—or more—”

“God,” I said.

It really had been too much. I couldn’t remember a time in recent memory where I’d been so turned on—worked up over the course of the whole evening, hard and ready for so long while I’d been making Josh come. As embarrassing as it was, it did make sense that I would come so quick.

“I just really thought I had more control than that,” I said, breathing evenly as Josh reached over to his nightstand, gathering tissues and gently cleaning off my stomach and his hand.

“You don’t have to have any control,” he said softly. “You can be as free as you want around me. I hope you know that.”

My heart squeezed when he said it. It seemed so simple, but no one had ever really said that sort of thing to me.

As the minutes passed, and Josh and I just lay there listening to the faint sounds of the street below, I waited for my usual reaction to happen. I waited for the moment when I’d start hating myself, when I’d wish I was alone, when I’d regret the course of the entire evening.

It didn’t come, though. Instead I just felt something blooming in my chest, something hot and strange and all-consuming. It was a little unmooring, feeling so overwhelmed while lying in bed next to a person who really cared for me.

When Josh sighed, reaching over to turn off the light, I did something I never thought I was capable of: I reached over and brought Josh in close to me, holding him tight. I had to. Not having him near me felt like being deprived of oxygen, and in the chilly evening, his warmth was so necessary.

The sex was clearly over—and we were obviously going to sleep—and I had none of my urges to flee. Josh fit against me so perfectly it was almost unfair, tucked in close on my chest, and when he let out a long, happy sigh I pressed a slow kiss to the back of his neck.

I wanted this forever. I started to drift off, caught in the dream-space between waking and sleep.

In that liminal heaven where nothing other than my skin on his mattered, it seemed like being his forever might even be possible.