“That’s the wrong one!”

“It isn’t! It’s the exact one you asked me to pick up!”

“Fuck you, it is not!”

“I guarantee you, Vanessa, it is.”

This was the typical Ethan and Vanessa shouting match I woke up to, bright and early the next morning. Well, bright and early for me, which was around nine in the morning. Adrian was sitting up in the bed next to me, looking at me with something like worry on his face.

“Is everything okay out there?” he asked, his brow furrowed.

I blinked my eyes open. “This is just how they talk,” I mumbled. “Vanessa and Ethan. My roommates. Friends, but basically like siblings.”

“Siblings who want to kill each other?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Adrian nodded, scooting back down under the covers a little further.

“Good morning, by the way,” I said, shimmying a little closer to him and running my palm along his chest. “I’m sorry if they woke you.”

He shook his head. “I actually got up about an hour ago, but I’ve just been reading on my phone. The yelling was just… mildly alarming.”

“Mmm,” I hummed, leaning in and pressing a small kiss to his shoulder. “Hope I wasn’t snoring.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny any snoring.”

It was strange, but this almost felt more otherworldly than last night had. Seeing Adrian, still here in my bed, as the sunlight drenched the room, seemed impossible. And yet we were here, chatting like normal.

This was the same man who had practically run away when I’d last invited him up. And now he was lounging in my bed, the morning after we’d made each other come. The light made his golden skin shine, and his bedhead hair was stupidly attractive.

My phone vibrated on my bedside table, and I reached over to check it.

“Hah,” I said, smiling at the screen. “Sean just texted me, asking what I was up to. Should I tell him we’re in bed together?”

“What? No,” Adrian said, suddenly sitting up straighter in bed, looking at me intently.

“Whoa, whoa,” I said, holding up a hand. “I was… mostly kidding. But okay, I won’t tell him a thing.”

He relaxed a little, letting out a breath. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just—this really is not a good time to do that.”

I nodded, watching him. I didn’t quite understand his reaction. It made sense that he wouldn’t want to tell the rest of his family, but Sean? Sean was completely understanding, and wouldn’t tell a soul.

But Adrian was sometimes a mystery to me, even now.

“I really do have to get going, though,” Adrian said. He put down his phone and turned to me. “Mason has me meeting with our Logistics Manager, Arnie, this morning.”

“Sounds completely boring,” I said, pressing a line of kisses up from his chest to his neck.

He sighed, leaning into my touch. After a pause, he spoke. “It’s… not a meeting I want to have,” he said.

I pulled back, looking him in the eye. His gaze looked troubled and maybe even sad.

“Why not?” I asked. “There some sort of problem?”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “There’s a problem that I need to fix,” he said, not making eye contact with me. “I don’t want to talk about it. But I do plan on exerting whatever powers I have to make sure Arnie stops an initiative he has in mind.”

I yawned despite myself. “Sounds very… logistics-y, and boring,” I said. Adrian didn’t reply. I was surprised when he drew me in close, wrapping his arms around me, and kissed the top of my head. He held me like that for a few minutes, just stroking his thumb along my shoulder, as we listened to various clanging sounds coming from the living room and kitchen. He was holding me like he seemed afraid of losing me.

“Unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to get out of here without meeting Vanessa and Ethan,” I said, peeking up at him. “You ready for that?”

He puffed out a laugh. “Absolutely.”

In another few minutes we were up, dressed, and ready to head out. Adrian called for his car, and I braced myself for him to meet my roommates. When I opened the door and stepped down the hallway, I saw Vanessa hunched over a huge sewing machine in the living room. For some reason, she was dressed in a bright red ballgown.

“I didn’t even know you owned a sewing machine,” I said, walking out.

“I do now!” she said, beaming at me. “Fifty bucks at the thrift store.”

Ethan was cooking something up in the kitchen that smelled spicy and sweet, and currently was elbow deep in the spice cabinet, cursing under his breath. Adrian came out behind me, and I worried for a moment that he would think I lived in some kind of carnival. “Adrian, this is Vanessa and this is Ethan, my roommates,” I said. “Adrian and I… work together.”

I had no idea how I was supposed to introduce him, but that felt something like the truth.

“Oh!” Vanessa said. “Is this the guy?”

Of course. Of course she had to say that. I felt my cheeks flushing red before she’d even finished asking. I shot her a warning glance.

“So nice to meet you, Adrian.”

For God’s sake. It was hard enough bringing Adrian up to my apartment at all, but now it felt like my roommates were going to sabotage me.

Thankfully, Adrian introduced himself with grace, and then immediately fixed on the sewing machine.

“My grandmother had a Singer machine just like this,” Adrian said, running his hand along the top of the sleek black machine. “God, this brings me back.”

“Mine did too!” Vanessa said, her eyes lighting up. “I was so happy when I found this. Probably gonna take some work to set up, but she’s a beauty.”

Adrian sniffed the air, walking over toward the kitchen. “And is that… chai I smell?”

“Fuck yeah,” Ethan said, raising his hand and giving Adrian a high-five. “I’m doing homemade chai lattes. Do you want one? I’ve got plenty.”

“Unfortunately I have to get going. But it smells incredible.”

“I like him,” Vanessa said, making no effort to lower her voice.

“Me too,” Ethan added, pulling a cinnamon stick out of a jar.

“Alright, alright, Adrian has work to do,” I said, taking him toward the front door. “I’ll walk you downstairs.”

“Nice to meet you!” Vanessa called out behind us as we walked down.

When we made it out to the street, I turned to Adrian. “They’re...a lot, I know,” I said. I tried to study his reaction, to see if he was annoyed or overwhelmed or put off.

But really, his eyes just looked kind as usual, if perhaps a little distracted. To my surprise, he pulled me in close and bent to kiss me. I gasped a little at the touch, but quickly melted against him.

When he pulled away, he still kept his arms around my waist.

“Last night was amazing,” he said, reaching up to run a hand through my hair.

“It was,” I agreed. “Maybe next time you’ll be able to stay and I’ll cook you breakfast.”

He smiled, then glanced behind me. And all at once, his smile dropped, and his arms pulled away. It was as if he had remembered suddenly that he wasn’t supposed to be seen holding me. I wrapped my arms around myself, cold in just my T-shirt.

“My car’s here,” he said, nodding once down the street.

“Oh,” I said, turning back. “I see.”

“I’ll see you, Josh,” he said, giving me one last smoldering look before he trotted off toward the car, getting inside as soon as it had come to a stop. I stood and watched as it drove away, blowing little golden leaves behind it.

That morning was only a preview of what the rest of my week shaped up to be. It was an endless parade of Adrian wanting me, of him being so startlingly intimate, but only if no one else in the world was around.

Adrian was busy, because he always was—but when I saw brief glimpses him around the hotel, there was a completely new look in his eyes. A hungry look, a possessive one. It was as if something in him had been released, and he was getting worse and worse at hiding it.

One afternoon I was alone in a narrow corridor on the second floor. When he passed me, he came up behind me and slid his palm down my back pocket. He squeezed my ass, dipping low to give me the quickest kiss, and then gently bit my bottom lip. I got hard in two seconds flat, because of course I did, and as he kept on walking down the hallway I had to cover the bulge in my pants with my cleaning cart.

And another morning, I was leaving his suite just as he got back from a meeting, and he pulled me back inside. He pushed me up against the back of his door and kissed me, from my lips down to my neck and then the skin above my collarbone. I’d thought he was about to take me to his bed, to strip me naked and ravish me, but after two minutes, he stepped back, collecting himself. He said he had a phone call to make, and gave me one last kiss as he said goodbye. I exited the room wondering if he’d left a hickey on my neck.

I knew it was jarring, and a bad idea, and that I probably shouldn’t have liked it—but in truth, it just made me feel so alive. I’d always felt invisible at work, but now I felt like I had a secret, someone to kiss and to touch in the in-between spaces where no one else went.

I wanted more; so, so much more. But I took what I could get, when I could get it.

It was completely inadvisable at work, of course. This was my job, and I was acting wildly unprofessional. But the thrill was impossible to pass up.

And that thrill only multiplied a few days later, when Adrian and I both found ourselves in the hall that led out to the back garden. I’d been putting away supplies in the closet there, and when I’d turned around, there he was, his shoes gently tapping on the floor as he approached me. He looked every bit the businessman—suit, slicked back hair, looking down at his phone with a furrowed brow.

But when he approached me he slipped the phone into his pocket.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Crane,” he said, his face neutral as he stood in front of me.

“Hello, Mr. Terrance,” I replied, watching his eyes. The moment bloomed outward, and for a while, I thought he might really just want to talk about work.

But then all at once, his arm was around my waist, and he closed the distance between us, pushing our bodies close together. I fit against him tight as his hand tilted my chin up, and he dipped to crush his lips against mine in a kiss.

I hummed against him, going pliant in his arms.

“Mmh,” I moaned, leaning back as he kissed down along my neck. Behind him were a row of big windows that looked out on the back garden, and if anyone were outside, they’d instantly be able to see us. “We can go in here,” I said, tapping gently on the broom closet door behind me.

“Why bother?” he said against my skin, coming back up and kissing me once more. “I have you right here.”

I smiled as his hand dragged down from the side of my neck, down my chest, and to my stomach. But when Adrian ran his palm along the outline of my cock through my pants, I gasped.

“Oh my God,” I said, both loving his touch and also wildly scared at how easily we could be caught.

But Adrian just made a low, frustrated noise, something between a groan and a growl, as he gently squeezed his hand around my hardening cock. “I miss you. I loved making you come,” he said in a low whisper, so close to my ear.

And of course, that only made me harder.

“You were fucking good at it,” I said. “When can I see you again?”

“Was I good at it?”

I pulled in a sharp breath. “So good.”

“I want to do more,” he said, kissing me again, his tongue sliding against mine. He kissed over to the soft skin beneath my ear, then whispered. “God, I want to fuck you.”

“Jesus,” I hissed, gripping tight around his shoulders. “For fuck’s sake, Adrian, are you trying to make me come right here in this hallway?”

“Maybe,” he said.

Holy hell.

“You’re bad, Adrian,” I said, but I couldn’t help but smile as his palm ran along the outline of my now very hard cock.

“I guess I am,” he said, his voice deep velvet.

“So take me up to your room,” I said.

“Maybe I’ll fuck you right here. Maybe I’ll bend you over, tear off those clothes, and—”

A loud sound came from the other end of the hallway—a slamming door. I knew that just down this hallway and around the corner was one of the main conference rooms, and that it had to be that door that had closed.

“Adrian,” I whispered, and he pulled his hands away, but still leaned in to kiss me once more.

And right as three management executives rounded the corner, Adrian pulled back, putting distance between us, and pulled out his phone.

“The housekeeping has been perfect,” he said, launching into his best businesslike tone. “I know you and the team will be keeping up the great work.”

Adrian’s eyes bore into mine as the three executives walked by. Luckily, they didn’t so much as look at me, only nodding at Adrian as they walked by. And for once, that felt like a blessing. None of them needed to see exactly how hard and flushed I was at that point.

When they were gone, I let out a long breath, furrowing my brow at him. “Adrian, this is fun, but you’re fucking crazy,” I said, shaking my head. I smoothed out my hair.

He sighed. “I know I am,” he said. His face was stormy again. “I really am. I kind of… lose it when I’m around you.”

“Hey,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it. But… God, we need to be more careful.”

“Of course. I’ve been so damn stressed this week and I feel like it’s making me… act out, or something,” he said.

I remembered when Adrian had first arrived back in town, and how he’d told me that fucking other guys had been his way of “letting off steam” back in Oregon. I didn’t want to think too hard about whether he might have been just letting off steam with me, now.

I hoped I was more than that to him. It certainly felt like it to me.

His eyes were searching my face, but after pausing a moment, he turned to look out the window.

“Can I come up to your room tonight?” I asked, but he didn’t turn to face me.

“Can’t. I have another event, of course.”

I nodded, trying not to show how disappointed I was. “Then tomorrow?” I asked.

He shook his head, looking at me with sadness in his eyes. “I never know what my schedule is going to be. And I know it’s probably a bad idea… Mason comes to my suite unannounced so often, and my mother, too—”

I let out a frustrated sigh. “Well then… want to come outside with me for a minute?” I asked. I knew that we needed to talk, and I knew if I didn’t ask now, it may never happen.

“Outside?” he asked.

I looked down the hallway, then turned back to him and nodded.

“Are you all set on seeing to your rooms for tonight?” he asked. “I don’t want to interfere with your job—Jesus, that’s the last thing either of us needs.”

“Almost all of the rooms are finished. Last room on the docket is yours,” I said. “Think you can handle untucked bedsheets for one night?”

“Think I’ll be okay,” he said, nodding once.

We headed outside, across the patio and the courtyard and over to the garden at the side of the building. It was where we had been on the first day we ever met. We sat on a bench near the edge, the sunlight spilling through the trees that surrounded the space.

This area was still a spot that was a little off the main path, and where not many people went. Certainly all of the executives had different, better places to be. When I sat down with Adrian I expected memories to flood back, for it to feel so different to be sitting here with him now, compared to ten years ago.

But it didn’t feel that strange. Instead, it just felt normal to be out here with him, like something we should have done so much more often. I felt comfortable next to him. When I was younger, I remembered feeling so lost, the first time we came out here—I had thought that Adrian kissing me was some kind of prank.

I didn’t feel as lost now. But as I looked at Adrian, I realized I still had so little idea what went on in his head. What the hell was it going to take to get this man to open up to me? All of the progress I’d made the other night had seemed to vanish.

Adrian was the first person to break the silence.

“I know… it’s bad,” he said, his eyes narrowed as he looked out at the tall trees. “I know that we shouldn’t be doing what we’re doing, I mean.”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah,” I responded. He was right, but I didn’t know how much I had to contribute.

“Especially with my family around… Jesus Christ, I shouldn’t be doing this,” he said, shaking his head. He looked as if he’d just woken up to his surroundings and couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

I didn’t know how I should feel about that. But my gut began to twist as I saw the panic in Adrian’s eyes. Was he… about to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore?

“I know your family can be intense,” I said. “But… it’s really good that you have them. Especially Sean.”

He nodded, taking in a long breath. “Intense is one way of putting it,” he said. “Sometimes it really feels like my mother and father are conspiring to see me fail or something, though.”

“Why do you say that?”

He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “It’s hard to explain,” he said. “There are certain ways in which they want me to start taking responsibility on the job, but… when I actually try to, I’m shot down.”

“That’s awful,” I said. “What do you mean?”

His expression darkened. “I can’t really talk about it,” he said.

“Is this about that thing with Arnie? The logistics guy?”

Adrian nodded, not meeting my gaze. It was clear this topic made him uncomfortable, and I wasn’t going to pry.

“I just… wish I knew what I was doing,” he said. His tone sounded so hopeless, and despite the fact that I didn’t know what was going on in the upper echelons of the hotel, I felt a pang of sympathy for him.

“You know that no one knows what the hell they’re doing in life, right?” I said, reaching out and putting a hand on his thigh. “Learning as you go is pretty much the only way to accomplish anything.”

He laughed softly, and reached out to gently grab my hand in his. Just that small gesture was enough to make my heart squeeze in my chest.

“I know I don’t have to be perfect,” he said. “I just wish my parents knew that, too. I should have given up on trying to impress them long ago. I’m twenty-eight, for God’s sake.”

I shrugged one shoulder. “So what?” I said. “Yeah, you might be right—most people don’t care what their parents think when they’re twenty-eight. But I’d say you have a pretty unique situation. You’re inheriting a business they’ve owned for years. It makes sense you want to do right by them.”

“I sure hope you’re right,” he said.

“In a way, you’re so lucky to have the family you do,” I said. “All I’ve got is my mom. She’s out a few towns away, and I call her every week. She calls to update me on the state of the flower bushes and the stray fox in her backyard all the time. I don’t know what the hell I’d do without her.”

“You’re the lucky one,” Adrian said. “She sounds amazing.”

“I love her,” I said. “I think with my Christmas bonus, I’m going to finally get her a hearing aid. She keeps saying its a ‘luxury,’ but I practically have to scream at her on the phone, nowadays.”

I was smiling, but the look on Adrian’s face was completely pained. “I’m so sorry, Josh,” he said. I had no idea why he seemed so devastated, just hearing about a hearing aid.

“She’ll be fine. It’s just another reason to be grateful for with this job, though. I finally have a steady enough income that I can afford these things.”

“Your mom is lucky to have you. Your family sounds perfect.”

“Growing up an only child has only made me want a bigger family of my own someday, though. I liked it being just Mom and me, but… I always wanted a companion. A sibling, or anyone else around. Sometimes the house would be so quiet.”

Adrian smiled. “Our house was never quiet. Mostly because Alora would always be screaming about something, but still.”

“That’s like my situation now,” I said with a laugh. “Ethan and Vanessa might honestly be the loudest roommates of all time, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They keep me laughing.”

Adrian was silent for a while before speaking again. “I haven’t thought about that stuff much,” he said. “A family, I mean. I guess it just feels like something I’ve been putting off for a later date. But now, I feel like I have to actually do it.”

“Do what?”

“You know. Find a wife, have kids, be a family man like this whole town expects,” he said.

I froze for a moment. “Find a wife?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I kind of have to, you know?”

I was so stunned that I didn’t even know what to say. “I—I mean—Adrian, you realize that you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to, right?”

For a long while he was silent, and the only sound around us was that of the light wind in the trees, blowing more leaves off the branches. Clouds passed over us, shrouding the area around us in shadow for a minute, and then passing away.

“I wish it were that simple,” he said finally. He was still holding my hand, and he squeezed it tighter, breathing slowly as he looked away.

But I didn’t say a word. I had no idea how to respond, or if I even should respond. Because Adrian’s words had felt like a fresh slap to the face, a reminder of something I had known deep down but I’d been dumb enough to ignore.

It didn’t matter how special the other night had been, didn’t matter that he’d come up to my apartment and spent the night.

It all meant nothing.

Adrian wanted to find—thought he needed to find—a wife. And I had no idea how the hell to show him otherwise.

On my walk back from work, I called Sean. I had barely spoken with him since the chaos of Adrian’s return to town. The streets were busy as I talked, but I took my time, walking near the edge of the sidewalk.

“Josh, I miss you,” Sean said quickly after he answered. “What’s been going on?”

Well, I hooked up with your brother the other day, and I’ve been making out with him all around work in various states of arousal. What’s new with you?

“Same old, same old,” I said. “How are you?”

“Busy as hell, but good,” he said.

Sean and I caught up like we usually did, and he let me know how his business was going. I mentioned that I’d been hanging out with Adrian a bit—trying to welcome him back to life in town, but neglecting to mention any juicy details.

“So no news on the love life front, huh?” Sean asked me as the conversation was winding down.

“Um… not really, no.”

“Not really? What does that mean?”

“I mean, there is definitely no news in my love life. But I have been… sort of hooking up with someone. Kind of.”

“Josh!”

“I know.”

“Tell me all about him,” Sean said, and already I found myself regretting mentioning anything.

“He’s just this guy. This… very sexy, very unavailable guy. I don’t know, it’s probably going to fizzle out. It isn’t even worth mentioning.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because… it’s so hot and cold,” I said. “One minute it feels like he’s going to wrap me in his arms forever, and the next he wants to kick me to the curb.”

“Josh, you know you deserve better than that,” Sean said. “I thought you were done falling for unavailable guys.”

“I thought I was, too,” I said.

“So who the hell is this guy? No sex can be that good, Josh, it just isn’t worth it. ”

“Trust me, it’s good,” I said. “But I’m not talking about him anymore. There’s no point, really.”

“Fine, fine,” he said. If there was one thing I loved about Sean, it was that he never pried into my business. “But if things do start to get more serious, you have to let me know.”

“I don’t see that happening, but… trust me, you’ll know.”

“Hey, I got one of those email invitations for the annual Spooky Bash. You should take him there.”

“God, I remember those parties,” I said. The Spooky Bash was a Halloween costume party that many young people in town attended—it was full of LGBT people and artists and creatives of all kinds. I tried to imagine Adrian at one of the parties and almost laughed out loud.

“I remember those parties, too,” Sean said. “They’re ridiculous.”

“I mean, the Spooky Bash kind of fun,” I said, smiling at the memory of when I used to attend, dressed as a princess or a wizard or a box of cereal. “They always give away so many rainbow pride prizes. I swear I’ve got a shelf full of them in my room.”

“I can’t party like that anymore,” Sean said.

“So I take it you aren’t going?”

“God no, I’m not going,” he said. “My partying days are over.”

“Mine are, mostly, too,” I said. But as I thought more about it, the more I realized that I missed other aspects of the party, more than the drugs. The music, the camaraderie, the snacks and drinks—the Spooky Bash always felt like a home away from home, a place where I could go and dance and feel completely comfortable, even in a room full of strangers.

That sort of thing had been missing from my life for so long. When I’d left the art scene and gotten clean, I’d sworn off all parties.

“Well, it’s good to hear your voice, Sean,” I said. “You should call your brother sometime. He needs reminders that his family isn’t all bad.”

“Sometimes I need that, too,” he said.

We hung up a couple minutes later, and I made my way up to my apartment. Ethan was out, but Vanessa was sitting on the couch watching a home renovation show. I collapsed onto the couch next to her and closed my eyes.

“Bad day?” she asked.

“Confusing day,” I replied.

“What did he do now?”

I peered over at her with one open eye. “What are you talking about?”

She hitched up one shoulder in a shrug. “I’ve never seen you act like this before, so I know that guy—Adrian—must be the culprit. What did he do?”

I sighed. “He was telling me all about how he thinks he has to find a wife, and yet I’m still sitting here contemplating inviting him to a party.”

“Spooky Bash?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Oh, well you’ve got to invite him there. He has to see my costume. And so do you, for that matter.”

I smiled. “Don’t you think it’s a bad idea to keep hanging out with a guy who very obviously isn’t… comfortable with his attraction to men?”

“Everybody works on their own schedule. And hell, if anywhere is a good place to become comfortable with one’s sexuality, it’s the spooky bash. I’ve seen straight people come out of there saying they just love everyone. It’s a good experience.”

Vanessa was right. It was an accepting, loving environment. Maybe if Adrian could see that, it would help him along his journey toward self-acceptance. And even if it didn’t cause any sea changes, it certainly couldn’t hurt.

“You’re right,” I said. “I’ll do it. But I’m not expecting anything. The moment I get my expectations up is when Adrian disappoints me, every time.”

“Hate how that always seems to happen,” Vanessa said.

“You’re a good friend, Vanessa, you know that?” I asked, reaching over to hug her. There was genuine shock on her face when I pulled away.

“That might be the first time you’ve ever said that to me, Josh. I’m quite frankly floored.”

“Don’t get used to it. That doesn’t get you out of doing the dishes tonight. I know all that mess is from your adventures with cake pops.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll do it.”

I stood up, heading over to my room.

“And also—Josh?”

“What’s up?”

“When you marry this guy, I expect a ‘thank you’ at the wedding. Because you’ll know it was all thanks to this piece of advice.”

“Oh, fuck off,” I said. “And that is never gonna happen.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Alright. Whatever you say. Now, go grab me the ritz crackers and marshmallow fluff from the kitchen. It’s time for my good, old-fashioned sugar sandwich.”

“You’re the weirdest person I know,” I said.

“That’s a compliment. Thank you,” she replied.

“It is.”

As I fell asleep that night, all I could think of were the clandestine moments Adrian and I shared in the hallways of the hotel. I wanted so badly to love those moments, to turn them over in my head and jerk off and wait until the next time Adrian held me close.

But instead, all I felt was an amorphous fear. A worry that all of the touches, the secret kisses, and even the night he slept over were all just a short-term way for him to blow off steam. No matter how good that might feel, I knew that it was a fast track to having my heart completely broken.

And God, I was tired of having my heart broken.

I hadn’t been kidding when I’d told Adrian earlier that I wanted a family. I had wanted one for as long as I could remember, and especially since getting clean, I thought about it more and more.

I didn’t know when I was going to find the right guy to start a life with. But if I was waiting around, sneaking to get a kiss and a hard-on in a back hallway somewhere, I knew I wasn’t following that path.

I couldn’t do it forever. And if Adrian couldn’t open up to me, I knew I was just wasting my time.