Kristel

 

The sound of his breathing lulls me to sleep. Every time I think about why I’ve come here, he breathes again. I can feel his heartbeat against my bare chest. It should make me feel so comforted. I should be angry at him for yelling at me. Hell, I should just get up and leave. I don’t need him or his club to help me with the baby.

 

“Damn it,” I whisper softly. My fingers stroke through the short strands of his black hair before they trail down along his face. I’ve never seen him asleep before; he looks so peaceful. Maybe he could even look nice if I stare at him from the right angle. “Why do you have to be such an asshole? And why do you have to feel so good?” My breath pauses for a moment before I release it from my lungs. The wild, rough sex we just had was far better than I expected it to be. I wanted it to feel painful and ugly. Instead I lay here and think about how badly I want to do it again.

 

“Because you’re a bitch.”

 

I flinch in surprise at the sound of his voice. He’s awake? I feel my cheeks flush for a moment, and I let out a quiet laugh. “Aren’t we a pair, huh?”

 

“Hmm…” He lifts up his head, but his eyes are still closed. His arms curl around my body and cuddle me. Between the sensation of him on top of me and the bear skin under me, I feel deeply comforted and warm.

 

I stroke his hair for a long time and just watch the ceiling and his face at the same time. My mind races with all kinds of thoughts, and I can’t seem to sort any of them out enough to focus on. It’s infuriating, and I heft a loud sigh in frustration. “Andre?” My fingers pause in their stroking, and I wait for him to respond to me. When he doesn’t, I say, “do you really want this baby? Or are we just lying to ourselves?”

 

He’s so quiet that I think he’s fallen asleep. Eventually, though, he opens his eyes and gazes down at me. “I don’t know.” He closes his eyes again and rests his head against my forehead. “And I don’t think there is a right answer. There can’t be… not with something as big as this.”

 

My hands hold his face, and I feel the tears in my eyes for the first time. I don’t want them to, but they dribble down my cheeks anyway. “Isn’t there some kind of book with all the answers somewhere? Or a cheat sheet?”

 

“If so, I don’t know where either one of them is.”

 

A big hand touches my cheek, and I notice he’s looking at me. One of his thumbs brushes a tear away, and I’m surprised when he pressed his mouth to it. He begins to lap and suckle away all of my tears, and I find myself wanting to cry even more because I’m so touched. I draw in a small sniffle and sink my hands into his hair to hold him close to me.

 

“I’m sorry… I know this is a big thing. And it came out of nowhere.”

 

He lets out a quiet snort next to my ear and kisses one more tear from my cheek. “What else are you sorry for?”

 

My jaw tightens, and I feel the anger I directed at him before inside me again. “Are you serious? Don’t tell me you’re going to go on about the ‘my dad is a cop’ thing again.” When he just stares at me, I push at his chest. “Okay, off! Get off! The one time I think you could be a decent human being and you ruin it!”

 

He stares down at me as though I’m a child before he sits up. I push at his chest again as I wiggle out from under him. I want to slap him again. Violence, though, just seems to get him all hot and bothered, and I don’t feel up for another round. My lips pursed together and my jaw tight, I collect my clothes and trot down the stairs. I don’t need to look back to know that he’s probably watching me. Angry and confused, I stalk through the kitchen until I get to the two closed doors. One of them leads into a sort of rec room while the other one leads into a bathroom.

 

“Asshole,” I mutter for the third time while I step into the bathroom. When I turn the water on and toss my clothes on the floor, the very sound of the pressured shower water soothes me. “You’re such an asshole, Andre…” It doesn’t matter that he can’t hear me, I say it anyway.

 

The hot liquid makes me gasp in relief as soon as I step into the shower. I close my eyes and turn my face into it. A smile pulls at my mouth, and it feels almost as good as the water does. With my eyes closed, I feel around for the soap until I find it to wash his scent off my skin. I’m just starting to breathe easier when an all too familiar lurch in my stomach causes my eyes to fly open.

 

“No… shit…” I must admit, I’ve been swearing a lot more since I joined the Black Knights. Because I know what comes after that lurch, though, I feel like it’s justified. “No, no, no… damn it, no…”

 

The lurch comes again, and I quickly turn off the water; half my body is still covered in soap. I grab a towel from the rack next to the shower and step out as my body begins to shake. With a hard swallow, I wrap the towel around myself and sink down in front of the toilet. My breath quivers, and my teeth grind together. I push the lid of the toilet up and stare into the water, almost daring it to do something.

 

“Kristel?”

 

I hold my breath when I hear Andre’s voice on the other side of the door. What the hell is he doing here? “Go away!”

 

“I’m not here to fight. Can you just come out and talk to me?”

 

Why does he have to pick this moment to be reasonable? I run fingers through my hair and close my eyes. The nausea hasn’t come yet, so maybe this is just a false alarm. As though Karma has been keeping an eye on me, my whole body tightens uncomfortably. Stomach acid races up my esophagus, and I focus on deep breaths instead of small ones.

 

“Kristel… you can’t hide in there forever.”

 

His voice, and what he’s saying, is the last thing on my mind as I hurl my breakfast into the toilet. The sound of my vomit makes me shudder in disgust almost more than the sensation does. My eyes clench closed, and I beat my fist against the side of the toilet and try to remember to breathe.

 

There’s a soft click as the door opens next to me. No! I don’t want him to come in here! I can’t tell him to leave, though, as I throw up again. My fingers hurt from the grip I have on the sides of the toilet, and my body won’t stop shaking. I almost want to cry all over again as I feel Andre crouch behind me and hold my shoulders. He pushes some of my hair over one of my shoulders to keep it away from the toilet, but he doesn’t say a word. I feel like I’m going to vomit again just from the fact that he’s here. I wish he’d stayed up in his room.

 

“You don’t need to be here.” I swallow hard and wince at the taste in my mouth.

 

He stays silent and rubs at my shoulders. When he kisses the back of my neck, I can’t help but wonder what he’s up to. Wasn’t he just screaming at me an hour ago? I start to get up, my hands still shaky, but a heavy wave of nausea forces me to stay where I am. There’s nothing left in my stomach because I start to dry heave. It’s painful and wracks my body to the point where I feel like I’m going to throw my own stomach up. My throat burns and tears sting the corners of my eyes. I keep choking on nothing as I gasp for air. Even a small breath feels like victory.

 

Andre keeps his hands around my shoulders. He holds me and steadies me. Once in a while he kisses my temple or behind me ear. Even though I want to ignore him, I can’t help but feel drawn to him. Whatever his motivations are, I know I need him in this moment.

 

It feels like hours gone by when the dry heaves finally stop, but I know it’s probably only been a few minutes. I gasp and struggle for air, and my hands ache from where I’ve been clenching them around the toilet. My body wants to lean into him, and I’m too tired to fight it. One of his arms slides around me to help me sit upright. His other hand grabs some toilet paper and hands it to me.

 

“Thank you…” I take the toilet paper and wipe at my mouth. Everything tastes terrible. “Why did you come? I was just taking a shower.”

 

I feel him shrug. “I don’t want to fight with you, Kristel. What I’d like is to sit down quietly with you and go over our options without anything else getting in the way. I’m so pissed off about your dad because he’s the enemy. Him and his kind are the guys who put people like me and the rest of the group in jail. I don’t know what you’ve experienced in life before me, but I sure as hell don’t plan on getting locked up again anytime soon.”

 

“Again?”

 

“That’s a story for another time. Right now…” There is a long pause. I almost think he’s stopped talking. “What do you think about cleaning up and meeting me in the den? We can sit down and talk about what we’re going to do with the baby.”

 

It’s the first time he’s actually asked me in a way that I feel respected, and it fills me with hope. Maybe this can work after all. “I’d be okay with that. Could you give me ten minutes?”

 

He grunts softly against my ear and lets me go. I look up at him as he turns away and walks out the door. A smile etches across my lips, and as I get up, I laugh. He’s not exactly a people person, but something about him is so endearing. I wish I knew what it was.

 

“Ass,” I mutter, but I smile as I say it.