Kate stared at her alarm clock, watching the seconds tick by to her alarm time. Again. Tick, tick, tick. Rolling onto her back, she lifted up her t-shirt and looked at the hollows near her hips, above her knickers. She had lost more weight. She could feel her ribs as she rested her arms along the side of her body. During her first years as a doctor, she had grown thin and gaunt – a mixture of long hours, no sleep and no food – and her colleagues at the time had been so worried. She wondered what they would make of her now, thinner still. Her hair was so felt lank as she pinned it back. Trevor knew better these days than to mention anything to her, choosing instead to look at her meaningfully when she saw him, communicating with his eyes his unspoken concern for her. She thought of Cooper then, feeding her cake and thick calorie-laden coffees. She had to admit, the thought of a nice caramel latte this morning made her want to leave her room for once. Turning off the alarm as it whirred into life, she dressed and went to leave the room, stopping herself at the door when she caught sight of herself in the mirror.
Turning back to her dressing table, after a good rummage in her drawers, she slicked on some light lipstick, a little touch of blusher onto her cheeks and a spritz of her favourite perfume. Looking back into the mirror, she saw a glimpse of her old self staring back, and almost smiled.
Leaving her room, she headed straight for her regular 8am meeting. Opening the door, she started to say ‘good morning’ when a plastic cup sailed past her head. Ducking at the last minute, she watched as the water shimmered in the morning sunlight as it cascaded down the wall. The beaker settled at her feet. Bending down to scoop it up, she placed it on the nearby dresser. One of the regular nurses, Fran, was fighting with Jamie, trying to get him to put a jumper over his head. Kate stepped into the room and tried to help, but Jamie was flailing around, batting them both away. Kate looked across at Fran, and noticed she was bleeding from a small cut on her forehead.
‘Fran!’ Kate exclaimed. ‘What the hell happened?’ Fran, giving up on putting Jamie’s jumper on, sighed and sat at the edge of the bed.
‘I’m okay, it was the photo frame. I didn’t duck in time,’ she quipped, but Kate could tell by her face she was in pain. She spied the photo frame by her feet, a picture of her in the hospital, holding an hour-old Jamie. The glass was smashed into shards around her feet, and the wooden frame was hanging off on two corners.
‘Fran, you go and get that checked out, I will deal with all this.’ Fran frowned at her, not moving. ‘You sure?’ she said, sounding uncertain. Jamie had taken off the jumper and was scowling at them both in the corner.
‘Yeah, I’m sure,’ she replied, smiling at Fran fondly. ‘Thanks hun, and sorry. I’ll deal with this.’
Jamie snorted from his chair, and Kate marvelled at the normal youthful sound he had produced for once. Fran wiped at the blood that was dripping down her face then left.
‘What the hell are you playing at, Jamie? Huh?’ Kate cried, grabbing the wastepaper basket and getting carefully to her knees. She started to pick up the glass, moving the frame to the side. It was utterly broken, but thankfully the photo was still intact. She tucked it into the pocket of her long cardigan, a staple wardrobe accessory for her uniform these days, with her feeling so cold all the time. No reply came, and Kate continued to clear the floor till she was sure all the glass had been cleaned up. She went to pick up the jumper, folding it up and putting it back into the drawer. Jamie only had a flimsy t-shirt on, and she knew that he would be taken out today, around the grounds of the centre. Pulling out another hoodie, she showed it to her son. ‘This one?’
The icy stare he gave her told her that this garment wasn’t favoured either. She pulled a face at him, gurning her lips and sticking her tongue out, and for a fraction of a glorious second, she saw a glimpse of a smile from her son, but it was soon gone. Her heart leapt at the thought, and she felt the pain of its loss once more. Where had her son gone? The boy she had left behind for a warzone had gone, disappeared, and in his place was this sullen, broken, angry young man. How did it go? Time to put away childish things? Well, the childish thing was her son, and she wasn’t quite ready to put him away yet. Sighing loudly, she passed him the hoodie. He took it from her, and she was just enjoying her little triumph when it came whizzing past her head. She said nothing, picking it back up and passing it to him again. This happened non-stop for the next five minutes, her passing him the sweatshirt, him throwing it back at her like a toddler playing a game in a high chair. On what felt like the fiftieth throw, Kate snapped. ‘Jamie, put the damn thing on! It’s cold outside, you need it on!’
He glared at her, turning his chair to the window. Kate felt so angry she had to clench her fists and take a breath to stop herself strangling her son where he sat. She brushed away hot tears, blinking furiously. ‘Fine,’ she said to the back of his head, when she trusted her voice not to break. She stormed out of his room and didn’t look back.
Cooper had dragged himself out of bed this morning, after a night of sweats, pain and terror. He had resisted the urge to strip the sheets before the cleaners came in, for fear that they would think he had wet the bed, rather than saturated it with sweat. He had enough indignities in his life, without people thinking that he had peed himself too. Around 5am he had resorted to laying on the bathroom floor, where at least he could feel the coolness of the tiles against his hot skin. The pains shooting down his leg had eventually abated around dawn, and he had slept a little, sat bolt upright against the sink pedestal. When he awoke at half past seven, he was so grateful that he wasn’t in pain he nearly wept. It was happening more often now, something he thought he might have escaped post-amputation. Cooper wasn’t afraid of much in life, but those pains did terrify him. The pain ran from the top of his hip to the tips of his toes, and he didn’t want to start taking painkillers. He didn’t want to become dependent like so many of his comrades had, so he kept quiet. What kind of man moaned about pains in his leg, when his leg wasn’t even there? He swore he could feel the pains, shooting down his nerves, muscles – all things no longer there. His stump felt sore today, but he wasn’t sure whether that was in his head, or because he had given it a few good thumps in the night, trying to shock his body out of itself. It didn’t work.
By 8.30am, Captain Thomas Cooper was dressed in his workout gear, sat in his chair, heading to therapy via his usual morning coffee pick-up. The only signs that he was anything less than composed were his stubble, now longer than usual, his red eyes, and his expression. If you looked at him fast enough, you could still see the slight look of fear in his eyes, before it turned back to stony arrogance.
Kate was raring to go as she walked into the treatment room that morning; ready to put Cooper through his paces, to take her mind off Jamie and the sheer frustration she felt. She had even rung Neil’s work that morning, leaving a scathing, ranty message on the voicemail that she wasn’t even sure he still had access to. She had told him exactly what she thought of him, short of saying that the accident was down to him. It had made her feel better momentarily, till she realised that Neil probably wouldn’t even hear it, and that he wouldn’t care if he did. It made her look weak, angry – like he still had a hold over her in some way, even if that hold was pure hatred, and she hated herself for stooping so low. She bounced into the room, clipboard held tightly under one arm, and an air of determination firmly set on her features. Cooper was sat at the table, a bacon sandwich between his meaty hands. He looked at her, one eyebrow raised in a question. She faltered in her step, catching herself quickly. Putting the clipboard to one side, she crossed her arms.
‘Ready for a busy morning, Captain? We have lots to do today, and I have decided that today is the day when we look at that leg.’ She fixed him with a stare, hoping he wouldn’t see her nervousness underneath. He frowned slightly, wiping at his mouth with a napkin, before silently pushing a large paper cup of coffee towards her. She shook her head, ignoring the pull of caffeine he had dangled in front of her. ‘No thanks, I’d rather get cracking.’
He shrugged, and pushed the cup closer still with his fingertips. She noticed his hand shook a little with the small gesture, and looked closer at him. He looked tired, less put together than usual. She was just wondering what was wrong when he spoke.
‘Drink your coffee, Missy. It’s getting cold, and I still have my breakfast to have. We won’t be doing any therapy today. I declare today “skivers day.”’
She looked at him incredulous. ‘Skivers day? Are you for real? I work here you know, supposedly helping you, and you want a day off? I don’t think so.’
Cooper looked across at her, and she noticed the red lines around his eyes, which were bloodshot. ‘Well Missy, you’d better go and find someone else to work on then, because I’m doing nothing today.’
He dismissed her with his eyes then, returning to his breakfast in silence. Kate didn’t know whether to punch him or cry. Was it pick-on-Kate day today? She could feel the tears welling up, and a hard lump forming in the back of her throat. Fine, she thought to herself. She started to walk to the table, but instead of taking the coffee, she kept walking until she was behind Cooper. He turned in surprise, but she was too fast. Taking the brake off the chair, she wheeled him towards the door. He still had his coffee in one hand and a bacon sandwich in the other, so he couldn’t do much to stop her. He started to put his leg down on the floor, but she tilted the chair back, causing a drip of coffee to fall onto his crotch. ‘Argh!’ he said, stopping the struggle. He looked back at her, a mixture of surprise and anger on his face. ‘What the hell are you doing? Stop this damn chair, NOW!’ he bellowed. Kate kept wheeling, shouting ‘No!’ into his face. His eyebrows shot up in shock, and he turned back around in his chair. He shoved the rest of his breakfast in his mouth, taking a deep swill of coffee to chase it down.
The nurses on the corridor looked at the pair of them in surprise, and Cooper even nodded to a couple as they strode along the corridor. Rita came out of the kitchen with a bunch of menu sheets in her hand, doing a double take at the pair. She smiled at Kate. ‘Taking old grumpy guts for a walk? Good for you!’
Kate waved at her, her face red and shiny from the exertion of pushing him so fast. Cooper laughed then, a lazy low rumble and Kate realised he wasn’t angry anymore.
‘That’s right Rita, nice romantic walk,’ he quipped, even turning to give Kate a wink. Kate smiled for Rita’s benefit as they passed, then leant in towards Cooper’s ear. She ignored the jolt she felt as her lips brush his ear, and whispered to him, ‘you do that again, Captain, and I will poke that eye out.’
Cooper flinched at the contact from her lips, and laughed again. ‘Be worth it,’ he whispered back, his stubble against her cheek. She abruptly stopped and pressed a button on the wall. The door opened, and Kate wheeled him in. In the room, Cooper saw Kate’s son sat in a chair by the window, now staring at them both in obvious surprise.
Kate opened the window a little, letting in the fresh air from outside. Walking to the door, she faced them both.
‘Captain Thomas Cooper, meet Jamie Harper. My son. Jamie, meet Cooper. Since you both insist on being stubborn selfish boys’ – she spat this word at them – ‘I’ve decided, just for today, to leave you both to it. So, I’m going out for the day, all day, and you two can damn well amuse each other. Good luck!’ She trilled, pressing the door button behind her as she went. She passed Trevor in the corridor, pretending to discuss lunch menus with Rita, as she headed to her room.
‘Trevor, I’m taking the day off!’ she shouted at him as she went.
‘About time,’ Trevor replied. ‘Have some bloody fun!’ he commanded. Kate gave him a thumbs up.
‘And eat something other than salad!’ Rita added.
Back in Jamie’s room, Cooper rubbed the stubble on his cheek with an open palm. She’s got more balls than I gave her credit for, he thought to himself, amused. In all honesty, he found himself attracted to her again. Looking at her son, staring at him blankly, he pushed that thought aside.
‘So, Jamie, what you up to today?’ he asked. Looking around the room, he was surprised that it looked pretty much like his, bare, impersonal. As far removed from a child’s room as he would expect. He somehow had the feeling that this was more to do with Jamie, rather than Kate. He found himself wondering whether her mood this morning was about more than just his refusal to work. He felt a pang of guilt, as he realised how much she had to contend with. He spied a games console and a few games under the TV, all boxed up. Moving over to the box, he pointed at it, motioning to Jamie. ‘Do you mind if I set this up?’ Jamie turned to him then, looking him over with eyes so much like his mother’s. He nodded and a faint smile appeared on his lips. Cooper smiled back and opened the package.
Kate was in heaven. She whipped her head from side to side as her body cut through the water. Breath after breath, lap after lap, she kept going, powering through the water till her limbs ached. Some girls shopped, some did lunch or the salon, Kate swam. She had started early on, when her parents were never around, paying for lessons herself. She took to it like the proverbial duck to water, and it was her go-to stress buster. Hacking away in the centre’s pool, she felt the stress and anger roll over her like the water, splashing into droplets in her wake. Eventually exhausted, she sat at the pool’s edge, dipping her legs in the water. She had missed the feel of the water, she hadn’t been in since before being deployed. She made a silent promise to herself to try and fit it in, some badly needed time for herself.
Flicking her legs in the pool, she lamented the state of her legs. Not much time for pedicures, or shaving for that matter. Maybe she needed to sort that out too, make herself feel a little better. Even her eyebrows were starting to look a little crazy these days. She didn’t dwell on the fact that she had only noticed these things since working with Cooper. The two things were entirely unrelated, she knew that. She just didn’t want to give him one more reason to judge her. Yes, that was it. Bound to be. Looking at the clock, she was surprised to see it was nearly lunchtime already. She decided to go and face the music early, apologise and at least make sure both her son and her patient got fed. She could only imagine the moods they would be in by now, she mused as she went to change.
Heading to Jamie’s room first, having put on a fresh uniform and tied her wet hair back in a tight bun, she steeled herself till she heard a sound so familiar that she ran towards it. Stopping herself at the door, she peeked around the doorjamb, and she couldn’t believe her own eyes. Jamie was laughing. Actual, god’s honest laughter, right from the belly, a boyish sound that she knew as well as her own heartbeat. He was laughing, his face bright, head thrown back. She looked to see what he was laughing at, and her hand gripped the doorframe. Captain Thomas Cooper was sat cross-legged on the floor, game controller in hand, with a bandana she recognised as Jamie’s wrapped around his head, Rambo style. The pair were playing a fighting game on the computer, and apparently Jamie had just thrashed the Captain, She was about to go in, to say hello, to see if Jamie’s smile would fade when he saw her, when she stopped. ‘Loser!’ Jamie shouted, laughing once more. The solitary word came out croaky, and broken, like someone getting their voice back, but it was there. The word sounded like a love song to Kate, and she snatched it from the air and tucked it into her heart. Cooper feigned being mad, adjusting his Rambo band.
‘Loser, eh?’ I don’t think so, kid – best out of three?’
It came again - the croak. ‘Deal … loser!’
Kate grinned so hard she thought her face might crack, and she slid down to the floor, careful not to be spotted. Tears ran down her cheeks and she covered her mouth with her hands to stop a happy sob escaping. It was there, ten minutes later, that Kate fell asleep, bolt upright in the corridor, swept under by sheer exhaustion, lulled into slumber by the sound of her son.
An hour later, Jamie’s lunch came to his room, and Cooper made his excuses, promising to come back soon. On the way out, he closed the door behind him and nudged Kate. She jumped, throwing her hands out in front of her in a chopping motion.
‘Whoa,’ Cooper said, as softly as he could. ‘Steady on there, Missy.’
Kate lowered her hands, embarrassed about being caught asleep in full view. She wiped at the corners of her mouth and eyes quickly.
‘Don’t worry,’ Cooper teased. ‘I find drool and eye bogies a turn on.’
Kate’s face dropped, and she scowled and swatted at him when she realised he was kidding.
‘Knock it off,’ she said sulkily. ‘I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Did you know I was there?’
He nodded, offering her his hands to get up. She took them without question, and he yanked her up with ease. He tapped his lap. ‘Yep. Want a ride?’ He waggled his eyebrows flirtatiously, and was delighted to see her face redden. She pulled her hands from his as gracefully as she could, feeling pins and needles in her hips.
‘No thank you,’ she said politely, smoothing her hair back into place. He smirked at her and she pretended not to notice.
‘What’s with the ninja moves?’ he teased, doing his own karate chops to illustrate. She swatted at him again, trying and failing not to laugh.
‘Stop it!’ she said. ‘I was surprised, it’s a reflex.’
Cooper laughed. ‘Okey doke.’
She looked at the clock. It was gone one o’clock. ‘We still have some of the day left, do you want to get lunch and then do some work?’
Cooper didn’t really. In fact, just thinking about working his muscles today, after the pain of last night, made him feel sick to his stomach, but he didn’t want to be mean to her again after that morning.
‘Fine,’ he shrugged. ‘But I, er, have to take it steady today. I didn’t sleep much last night.’ Why did he add that little gem? He didn’t want her to know that!
Kate’s expression was questioning, but he said nothing. She nodded slowly, seemingly turning something over in her mind. ‘No problem.’