Cooper
I never told you this, but I spoke to Hightower in the hospital, before I flew home. He came to see me, after my op. The op. He slipped through the net. I told the nurses and Trevor not to let any visitors in and at that point they were all bending over backwards in a bid to stop me complaining to the big wigs. You could hear the eggshells cracking and crunching under their tip-toeing feet.
I was kind of enjoying it, at least it distracted me from facing the truth of my new life a little. As you know, I wasn’t a fan.
Hightower practically shimmied under the tent flap to get to me. He was so stealthy I didn’t even see him until he was stood right in front of me.
I remember our conversation, even now.
‘Jesus, stalk much?’
He had laughed then, a deep booming laugh that matched his huge frame. They didn’t just call him Hightower because he was a crack shot sniper. The guy was huge.
‘I came to check on you. I can’t stay long though, the guys aren’t doing well with the new dickhead in command.’
I laughed, but the pain soon cut off my chortling. Hightower’s jaw tensed, but he said nothing. In our line of work, we know that our buddies have our back, but seeing them hurt, or worse, is unthinkable. When it does happen, we go to the mats for that guy, get to them, bring them home. Even if it’s just their body, we risk our lives to get it. We know that we won’t sleep, knowing that we left them there. We bring home what we can. There are lots of things we don’t talk about. Is it a guy thing? I don’t know. Till you, I never understood the importance of expressing how you feel. I kept it zipped up. Locked and loaded.
‘Who is it, Daley?’
Hightower snorted, taking a seat in the plastic chair the doc had vacated. ‘You wish it was Daley, at least the guy has chops. Nope, Simmons.’
‘Christ!’ I said, the pain worth the chance of a semi-normal conversation. ‘I would rather be shot in the face.’
We both laughed, till the pain in my leg started again, and I fell silent.
‘You met my doctor? She’s a real piece of work. You should ask her to lead you. She is properly bloodthirsty.’ He gave me a look that kept me from saying more.
In our years of working together, Hightower and I have learnt to read each other so well that a look, an eye roll, speaks volumes to each other. He is the brother I never got to have in real life. In more ways than one. Sometimes, there are things thicker than blood in this life. Family is formed, not always born.
Sitting back in his chair, he folded one leg up and rested one ankle of top of his knee. His boot scraped against the side of the bed, brushing dust onto the white sheet. It looked all the darker against the clean cotton.
‘You need to quit being a pain in the ass. I know what you’re thinking, and you can’t blame her.’
‘Aww, you met her! I get it, she batted her eyes at you. Sucker!’
What Hightower said to me then stayed with me, even though I buried it. Knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense.
‘Coop,’ he said, fixing a glare on me that pinned me to the bed. ‘She saved you for a reason. You can’t blame her for doing her job. She’s here to save lives, just like us. We’re in the same line of work.’
I said nothing. What could I say? By that time I was too far gone in my anger. You know by now, I can be stubborn when I want to be.
‘She’s like you, and you haven’t even noticed yet. It was like talking to you, speaking with her. Same stubborn attitude. This happened for a reason, Cooper. Don’t give up.’
You see? Even then, people knew better than I did.
***
Later that night, Kate was reading Harry Potter to Jamie in his room. They had started it before she went away, and tonight was the first night since the accident that he had even mentioned a book. She had sent the nurse away, and she and Cooper had taken him to his room. He was full of chatter after his day out, and Cooper matched his enthusiasm, talking about superheroes. Arguing, truth be told. Apparently, Cooper had an intense dislike of Thor. Jamie found this hilarious. Once they’d reached Jamie’s room, Cooper had said goodbye, saying he was headed to the gym.
Kate knew he was giving them space to talk. Jamie had let her bathe him and help him with his PJs. The small actions of helping her son get ready for bed almost made her weep for the past. She wondered how she’d ever moaned about the minutiae of life, the daily routines of raising a child. She’d always thought that she needed to blaze a trail in the world, but maybe she just had to look after her son. Help him live a normal life. Or even an extraordinary one.
‘Mum, where’s Dad? Grandma and Granddad kept changing the subject. I don’t think they wanted to tell me.’ Kate’s brows lifted in surprise but she soon recovered. Maybe they did care about him. Enough to shield him from the harsh truth at least. Maybe even they didn’t know the truth. It certainly seemed that way today.
‘Your dad loves you,’ she said, settling him under the duvet. She ruffled his hair, smoothing it to one side with her hand. It was still damp from his bath, and she could see the drying curls of hair at the back of his head. He looked up at her from the pillow, and his little eyes broke her heart. ‘He will always love you. It’s just that sometimes, things are complicated for grown-ups. I want to keep you safe.’
‘Safe from Dad?’ He asked. His brow was furrowed, a deep frown crossing his features.
‘Your dad would never hurt you Jamie. I promise you, one day it will all make sense. For now, I just want you to concentrate on getting better.’
Jamie nodded. Kate waited for him to ask something else, to shout at her, demand to see his father but he just sagged against the pillows. Kate got up to leave then, tip-toeing across the dimly lit room, but a voice stopped her.
‘Mum, will you read to me? We have the books from our old house now.’
Kate was still facing the door, and she blinked away the tears that threatened to spill out.
‘Sure,’ she said, walking to the bookshelf. ‘I’d like that very much.’
Kate hadn’t been back in her room long before she heard a soft knock at her door. She was in a black vest top and soft white cotton shorts, her hair still in a towel from her own shower. She was sat cross-legged on her bed, a circle of legal papers and letters around her. She looked at the door warily. She was still avoiding Trevor, but she knew it couldn’t be kept up. Especially after the week she had had. Any other boss would have sacked her by now, and she knew that things had to change. Now, more than ever, after the delivery she had come home to.
She was suddenly glad she had chosen to wallow in silence in her room like a teenager. Hopefully he would think she was asleep. Another soft knock. Kate could see a shadow under the door. She reached over to turn the lamp off, to send him the message that she didn’t want to talk when she heard Cooper’s voice.
‘Kate, you there?’ His quiet voice sounded concerned. She uncurled her limbs, heading for the door. Opening it, she looked down to see him but her eyes landed on his hips. She flushed and heard a chuckle. ‘You know, I have a face. You can’t treat a man like a piece of meat.’
He had one arm on the door jamb, looking every inch the cocky soldier. Kate looked down the corridor beyond him.
‘Someone will see me out here. You should invite me in.’
Kate looked at Cooper, but he just stood there grinning back at her.
‘And they won’t talk if I have a patient in my room?’ She countered, stepping back to let him in. He walked in, watching her check the corridor once more and lock the door. The room was quiet, and the silence seemed to register for them both at the same time. Cooper looked around the room, settling his gaze on the papers strewn on the bed.
‘I didn’t mean to disturb you,’ he nodded towards them. ‘I just wanted to see if you were okay, after today. What did Jamie say about leaving?’
Kate went to run her fingers through her hair as she composed the words and felt the towel. She pulled it from her head, fanning out her hair. ‘Sorry, I look a mess. We didn’t talk about it, not yet. He has questions, and as yet, I don’t know how to answer them.’
She folded the towel over the radiator, pushing her still damp hair off her face. Cooper made no move to come closer, and she knew he was trying to be there for her. She hated that she had dragged him into this too. He had enough to deal with. It wasn’t fair. It would engulf them both.
‘Listen Cooper,’ she began.
‘Don’t.’ His voice was so low she didn’t trust what she had heard at first.
‘What?’
‘Don’t. I know what you’re going to do, and I am saying no. If you want to end this because you don’t like me, then fine. Otherwise the answer is no.’
He walked towards her then. Slow steady strides, as surefooted as any man. He put his arms around her, his warm skin bringing out goosebumps on hers. He lowered his face to hers, and stopping just before he touched his lips to hers, he asked again.
‘Well?’
She could feel the heat from his lips near hers. Her whole body was warmed by his touch.
‘It’s not that simple,’ she protested weakly. ‘You have so much to deal with, and the whole thing is just a mess. You don’t know the half of it.’
He released her, and she thought he was going to back away, but instead he bent down, lifting his trouser leg. She could see the metal of his prosthetic underneath.
‘This is what I have to deal with. I can stand on my own two feet, Kate. The rest of it we can figure out. The only thing I need to know is whether or not you actually want this.’ He stood up, giving her a little smile before heading to the door. He pointed to the papers on the bed. ‘Try and get some sleep, okay?’
Before she could form an answer in her own head, he had flicked the lock and slipped out. She locked her door back up and went back to the papers. She knew where he stood now, and she knew he was laying his cards on the table. In his own way, he was telling her he wanted them, no matter what. She just had to take the leap with him. The problem was, it wasn’t that easy to leap into the arms of a man when her arms were already laden with all the excess baggage of her life. She felt like she was dragging Neil along with her, a ghost figure in the relationship, and now Cooper had even met her soon to be ex in-laws. Awkward wasn’t the word. Add to that the pouting Trevor, and the sullen Jamie. What you had was a Shakespearean tragedy in the making, not the ideal conditions for a tentative new relationship. It was when she noticed she was dripping on the letter from the solicitors that she gave in and went to bed. It would still all be there in the morning. Maybe it would look better then.
Kate rapped on Trevor’s door, uniform on and hair pinned back. She felt like she hadn’t slept, but she had done some thinking.
‘Come in,’ Trevor’s voice came from behind the door. She didn’t give herself the chance to back out and she walked straight through, taking a seat in the chair opposite him and putting the files from her arms to his in tray.
‘Morning Trevor, I’ve done all the charting up to date. I’ve a client vacancy now too, so if you have anyone, I’m happy to see them this afternoon.’
Trevor was frozen with one hand on the mouse, startled by her all-business entrance. To his credit, he recovered quickly, though Kate did see a look of disappointment cross his face.
‘Client vacancy?’ He echoed. He didn’t try to hide the hope in his voice, and Kate wondered if a new therapist had been assigned to Cooper already. In all the confusion and panic, she hadn’t even asked.
‘Yes, Adam Wright. He transferred nearer to home, he was well enough and has a young family so I signed the discharge papers yesterday.’
Trevor’s mouth gaped. ‘Fine, I don’t have one today, but I will have a look at the admissions waiting list this afternoon.’
‘Also, I would like to request that Thomas Cooper be transferred to another therapist as soon as possible, I know he has requested it. There has always been a conflict of interest there, and I would be happy to swap patients with one of the others. I think we both know it’s best for all concerned. Jamie and I will be moving out of the centre as soon as I can sell the house too, so there will be a bed vacancy.’
Trevor had stopped pretending to work, choosing instead to sit back in his chair. He pushed his fingers together, like a steeple, and Kate was reminded of a character from one of Jamie’s favourite shows. She half-expected him to say ‘excellent’ in a sinister voice, but he just tapped his index fingers against his bottom lip.
‘If there’s nothing else,’ she started to get up.
‘Have you told Jamie all this?’
‘Jamie knows what he needs to know, for now. It’s none of your business Trevor. I think that my not living here will be better for our professional relationship too.’
He laughed. More of a snort than anything. He pinched it short with a tightening of his jaw.
‘Kate, I know I overstepped, but we don’t just have a professional relationship. We have a bond, you and I.’ He raised a hand, cutting off her objections before she even made any. ‘A friendship, that’s all. I think you’ve done so well, with coping with the accident. It’s your actions since that drive me mad. You jumped into going it alone with both feet. Now I think you realise that you don’t have to be on your own again, but it scares you to death.’
‘Of course it does, Trevor!’ She shouted suddenly. ‘I have Jamie to think about, my career is in the toilet, and I slept with a patient!’
Trevor’s eyes go wide in surprise, and she cursed her big mouth. ‘Yes, I slept with a patient. A man damaged from war, while my own son is struggling with never walking again and my wanker ex-husband sails off scot free. Do you know he’s blocking the house sale? He won’t take less than fifty percent of the house profit, even though he pays nothing to Jamie and I paid more of everything! He won’t divorce me till it’s sorted, but I need that money to move on!’
Kate slammed her hands down on the desk, causing Trevor’s pen pot to jump comically.
‘He was on the phone that day, do you know that? Handsfree, so not illegal, but he was distracted. Not watching the road. It was his fault, and Jamie paid the price.’
‘You slept with Cooper?’ Trevor asked, incredulous. Trust him to focus on that. Kate put her head in her hands.
‘Yes.’
‘How many times?’
Kate glared at him. ‘Does it matter?’
‘Yes, it does Kate. Tell me.’
‘Once,’ she relented. Twice. The shower. ‘Not in the centre. No one knows. Not that it matters now.’
She risked looking at him, but immediately wished that she hadn’t. He looked gutted, and she could have bitten her tongue off. She did care for him, in her own way. Maybe before this, in another world, they could have been good together. Before Neil. Before Cooper. She knew that she was lost to him for good now though. After Cooper, she was lost to anyone. And now she knew what she was going to tell Cooper, she knew that when he hated her again, that would be easier. Bearable perhaps. Like Trevor would hate her now.
‘Look, I am sorry. I made a mess of everything. Just let me work out the week, find somewhere to rent, and I’ll be gone. I just ask that you keep Cooper out of it. He doesn’t deserve this – I’ve told him he shouldn’t be involved with me and my mess.’
‘Does anyone deserve anything that has happened this past year? From where I’m looking, there are no winners. There could be though, as much as I hate saying it. If I thought I’d win, I’d kick his head in and toss his arse out of here, but I have to admit that Jamie needs him.’
A vision of Trevor and her husband popped into her head.
‘Neil?’ She asked, incredulous.
He shook his head. ‘Cooper. Jamie needs him. Taking him away now, with his dad leaving – I don’t think he could take it.’
Kate said nothing. What could she say? For the first time in a while, they were being how they used to be. Friends, telling each other the truth. A truth neither of them wanted to accept.
‘He’ll leave anyway. That will be far worse. I’m just limiting the damage.’ She stood to leave. Trevor made no motion to stop her.
‘I won’t do anything Kate. As far as I’m concerned, this conversation didn’t happen. I’ll get you details of your next client. I will transfer Cooper, but it won’t be immediate.’
Kate gripped the door handle, her white knuckles betraying her discomfort.
‘For the record Kate, you’re not limiting the damage. You are doing what you always do when you can’t face the truth. You run. You shut people out, and you run.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ she countered, turning to sneer at him.
‘I’ve known you a long time Kate, and you are one of the bravest women I know. Apart from with the people in your life. You never wanted Neil, but you felt trapped and settled, even though you weren’t happy, for Jamie’s sake. Now he made a mistake, a silly error, but you’ve frozen him out. I know he could have fought harder to see Jamie, but he knows he’s not as strong as you, so he slinked off. Jamie is the one suffering, so tell me, how does this end? You keep Neil from Jamie, and you walk away from Cooper? What’s the point? Let Neil come and see Jamie. Make him come. Jamie can decide for himself. Don’t end up in some house alone with your son, giving up on everything you worked for. Jamie will be fine. He has you as a role model. Just stop fighting for the wrong things.’
Kate slammed the door on her way out.
When she walked into the physiotherapy suite, Cooper was already there but something was missing.
‘Where’s breakfast?’ She asked, disappointment evident from her pout. Cooper was reading through the local paper, and he folded one of the inserts up, putting it on the table in front of him before reading the rest.
‘I figured we should play by the rules,’ he said evenly. ‘We can go for breakfast in the cafeteria when Jamie leaves if you like. We should get on with work first though.’
‘Are you mad at me?’ she asked, walking closer to him. She knelt by his chair, putting her hand on his arm. He looked down at it, a pained look crossing his face. She pulled her hand away, resting on the table instead.
‘I’m not mad Kate. I just thought about what you said, and I’m giving you space to breathe. I’m still here, for you both. You just need to decide what you want. I can wait. We need to get to work. Trevor’s already been in here this morning. I think he was looking for you.’
‘I’ve seen him already. What about Jamie, he thinks you’re going to see him later?’
‘I’m still going. I ordered a new game online too, it should be here soon. It’s a Lego game. I think he’ll like it. Thought we could build it together, it would make a change from just playing on the computer.’
Kate thought of Jamie and how he would be so excited to play.
‘You like him don’t you,’ she stated. It wasn’t a question.
He looked at her, and his guarded expression dropped into a happy smile.
‘I love him Kate, I love you both. That won’t change. I’m here, I told you.’
The tears sprang to her eyes, and she couldn’t hold them back. She dropped her head onto her arms and started to cry. In one move, Cooper had lifted her into his arms. He was sitting on a normal chair she realised. He laid her onto him and cradled her tight.
‘If Trevor comes in, this won’t help fight our corner you know.’
She laughed, which sent her into a fresh bout of tears. He shushed her, squeezing her to him tight.
‘I never had a family,’ he said into her hair softly. ‘I was left, dumped in a side street. I bounced around the foster system for a while, but I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not till I signed up. Then I had brothers and sisters, a family to die for. A unit that would die for me. It was all I needed. Till you and Jamie came along. Now I know what family is, in the normal sense. I would throw myself into the path of anything that ever threatened to hurt either of you. I know what I want, but I need you to be sure of what you want. Know all the facts. Something is holding you back, I can feel it. Till you figure it out, I’m here.’ He lifted her head, wiped her tears with a white piece of cotton. Kate took it from him, looking at it. It was a handkerchief, with the initials TC sewn onto it.
‘Rita,’ he said grinning. ‘She made some for Jamie too. That woman never stops I swear.’
Kate wiped her face dry of tears. Her head ached from the sudden outpouring of emotion.
‘What were you looking at when I came in?’ She asked, remembering. He flushed, shaking his head.
‘Nothing important,’ he said, but she could tell he was lying. She went in to embrace him, but grabbed at the paper and jumped off his lap. He was fast, standing to get it from her, but not fast enough. She saw the property pages from the daily paper.
‘Are you leaving?’ she asked.
He walked towards her, and she noticed how steady on his feet he was.
‘After the bash, yeah I thought I might rent somewhere close. A flat. I need to think about my next move, maybe getting some work. My savings won’t last forever.’ Kate felt a slab of something laying heavy in her stomach. No, she thought. Nothing does.
‘Don’t overthink this Kate. it’s nothing to do with what I said. I am here for you and Jamie, I just need to put things in place for me, that’s all.’
Kate nodded, and Cooper knew that she had closed herself down. Damn it. The woman was stubborn. He itched the stubble on the side of his face with both hands. The scrape scrape scrape of nails on skin and hair. ‘Kate, don’t do this.’
She looked at him, shaking her head sadly. ‘Don’t you get it, Cooper? It’s already done.’
Cooper
I know what you are thinking. This is the part in the story when the man and woman get crossed signals. They see what their own insecurities see, and they turn tail and run. I’m different. You probably know that by now, and if you don’t, I am getting better at hiding it. Even from you. It’s true, at this point even I considered for a minute whether this could all work. The thing that stopped me was how I felt. After everything, all the pain and the cross words, I knew that what we had was worth the fight. Worth defending. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s defence. Fighting for a cause. In the army, you are taught to fight the doubts, push past the wall. The wall of Kate. It was a beautiful disaster, but I was already lost.