Cooper
My throat felt like dry fire. I attempted a cough, but nothing came out, and I felt my heart race. I tried to lift up my head, but it felt as though it was stuck to the pillow. Raising my hand to touch my face, I felt a tug of pain. Looking at the back of my hand, I saw a butterfly drip stuck into it. Trying to focus my eyes, which felt like they had been taken out and dipped in sand, I saw a dim light in the corner of the room. I felt a warm presence on my other hand, and looked to see what was laid across it. My whole body felt fuzzy, with a dim undertone of throbbing pain. My hand, still resting on the bed, looked unnatural, and I realised that the extra fingers didn’t belong to me. I squeezed gently, which was an achievement in itself. The fingers wrapped around mine squeezed back. My gritty eyes followed the fingers up the arm, and I realised a woman was asleep in the chair next to me. Even in sleep, she looked exhausted, pale blue scrubs encasing her lithe body. The hand holding mine had a wedding ring on it I noticed, and I felt a little pang of unexplained disappointment. Pushing the thought away, I tried to make my eyes focus on her again. She was pretty, little snuffles coming from her as she slept deeply. She had squeezed my hand back in reflex, unconsciously in sleep. I wanted to move my hand away, embarrassed by the contact, but I didn’t move.
Looking around, I saw everyone was asleep, except for a couple of nurses milling around the area. It was then that I noticed what was missing: the noise. There was no gunfire, no explosions. All I could hear were the sounds of nature outside the tent. I think that this was more unnerving than being woken by the sounds of war, and I kept my ears open for any sound of impending danger. I felt so groggy, and my legs were numb. Trying to lift my head again, I pushed through the pain to look down at my body. Lifting the covers laid over me, I saw that I was naked. They must have cut my clothes off. I glanced across at the doctor in the chair. Had she seen me naked? I almost laughed out loud. The first time a woman had seen my dick in years, and I was unconscious and bleeding at the time. Very sexy. Go figure.
Pushing down the covers again, being careful not to move my hand from hers, I looked down at my legs. I half-expected to see two stumps, but there they were, although one of them looked like it was in a real mess, the whole thing encased in bandages. The shape was off, like someone had shaved off some ribbons of flesh. I still had two legs, that was a good start. My torso was bandaged too, with a tube coming out of one side. Probably a drain, I realised. I had seen enough injured buddies to realise that a bomb blast ripped through your body like a hurricane, tearing organs, snapping bones, taking the very soul from a man. I was still here, so I would take it from there.
‘Morning, Captain,’ a soft voice said, thick with sleep. I lowered the covers quickly, aware that I had probably just been flashing the crown jewels.
I looked across at her. She was stretching in the chair, hand still on mine, rubbing the sleep from her pretty almond eyes. ‘I didn’t see a thing, don’t worry. How are you feeling?’
I cut her off before she could go into full bedside manner mode. ‘My unit?’
Her face fell. ‘The man you were carrying, he didn’t make it. I’m s—’
I raised my drip hand at her. ‘I know, what about the others?’
She smiled a little then, relieved to have been asked another question. ‘They are all out, safe and sound.’
I nodded, a wave of relief coursing over me. Then I remembered something.
‘There was a boy, on the roof.’ My voice pushed out the words in a croak. She pressed her lips together, and I saw a flash of distress cross her features.
‘I’m sorry, they sent in a unit to check, but no one on the roof survived.’ I thought of Hightower, and what that must be doing to him. To kill a child in the line of duty could never and would never feel right. I hated that we were ever put in that position.
‘Hightower okay?’ Kate looked confused, and I shook my head in frustration. ‘Never mind, forget it. When can I get back to duty?’
Her face fell, and she looked down at our hands. I pulled mine away then, and she let it go without a fight.
‘Dr Trevor Tanner is going to come and talk to you soon, on his rounds.’
I grunted in annoyance. ‘I’m not some idiot, missy. I just want to know when.’
She raised her chin at me then, her face hardening a little. ‘First of all, I’m not “missy”, I’m Dr Kate Harper. I am an orthopaedic surgeon attached to your unit and several others, and as I said Dr Tanner, my superior, is going to come and speak to you on rounds …’ She checked her watch. ‘… Which started half an hour ago. I need to go, I’ll come and check on you soon.’
She stood up and strode off haughtily. I laughed at her swagger. This one was a real ball buster, I could tell.
‘Okay, Missy,’ I shouted after her, chuckling. ‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist.’
I sniggered again as she made a ‘humpf’ sound, her nose pointing at the air furiously as she sped up her stomp. My whole body screamed at me for laughing, but it was so worth it.
That was the day we came into each other’s lives.
***
Kate was in a real mood; Trevor could tell from the way she pounded across the tent to him. He was doing his rounds, and they had had a good night. A good night here was when they still had the same number alive as the day before. A great day was when there were no casualties at all, but Trevor was hard pushed to remember many days like that.
‘Who’s upset you? Neil whingeing about doing the dishwasher again, is he?’ Trevor asked, and immediately regretted cracking the joke when the icicles from Kate’s frosty glare jabbed him in the chest.
‘Captain Cooper thinks he is hilarious. I’m just waiting for him to call me ‘toots’ and slap me on the behind,’ Kate said, seething. Trevor checked the vitals on his sleeping patient, and satisfied, made notes on his chart.
‘So he’s awake? That’s amazing! How is he doing?’
‘Oh he’s doing just fine, for a male chauvinist pig.’
Kate,’ Trevor admonished, trying not to laugh at her furious expression. ‘How are his vitals?’
Kate pursed her lips, taking a breath to focus on the job. ‘He’s stable, the chest drain is working well. I’m still concerned about his leg though. He has limited blood flow to the area, and I’ m worried about sepsis.’
Trevor nodded sadly. ‘So he will probably lose the leg, if we try to keep him alive.’ He rubbed at his temples. ‘Not told him any of this, have you?’
Kate shook her head. ‘I told him you would explain on this morning’s ward round. I wanted to go through everything again, monitor him closely for as long as we safely can before we make a decision.’
Trevor looked at her, his face unreadable. ‘It may not be our decision, it’s up to him.’
Kate looked nonplussed. ‘The evac chopper is coming in two days. At present, he’s too unstable to move. We need to get him home then, leg or no leg. A decision between losing a limb and dying is not a great thing to have thrust at you, granted - but he wants to live, surely?’
Trevor placed the chart at the foot of the bed and started to walk towards the next patient, issuing medication instructions to the nurse as he walked.
‘Kate,’ he began in a tone he might have used to tell his child that Father Christmas wasn’t real. ‘I have worked on men like Captain Cooper since this whole nightmare started. These are army men to the core. Sometimes going home means no family, no buddies, no job, and a lifetime of relying on other people. They are proud, and sometimes, to them, the reality is worse than death. Don’t take anything for granted when it comes to patient wishes.’
‘A boy died yesterday, to save these men. Surely that’s reason enough to want to live?’
Kate ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling tired all over again.
‘Cooper knows that. Better than most, probably. It’s still his decision, he has to live with it. Understood?’ Trevor spoke firmly now.
Kate opened her mouth to argue, but she thought better of it. She respected her mentor, always had, and she didn’t want to argue. Not when the fact that life was so short and precious was evident in every face, every feature she saw over here. ‘Understood.’
‘So what you’re saying doc, is that I’m screwed.’ Captain Cooper was sat up in bed now, the drain poking out from his side. The internal bleeding had been dealt with, his chest now free from shrapnel. All his organs were intact, and the tears in his body had been sewn up, the bleeding stopped.
Trevor pulled a chair across to sit near his bedside. ‘Your left leg is bad, Captain. You’re starting to show signs of infection, and we feel that a below knee amputation is needed. Your chest injuries will take substantial time to heal, and your right leg has been injured by shrapnel from the bomb too. Returning to your unit is out of the question, at least for now. You have a place on the chopper, but the next few hours will decide whether you are fit enough to make the journey back to the UK.’
Captain Cooper sat motionless in the bed, his mind obviously working overtime as he processed the information. Kate stood behind Trevor, watching Cooper with interest. She couldn’t imagine having to make a decision like this, but she knew what her answer would be.
‘And when do you need an answer?’ Cooper said flatly, not looking at Trevor, but directly at Kate. She blushed under his intent gaze, and felt pathetic that her body responded to the pull of attraction at such a time. Trevor pulled a marker pen out of his top pocket, and lifting the covers, made a mark on the area of skin just poking out from the top of the bandages.
‘We need to monitor you. This will tell us if the antibiotics are working – we need to watch out for any colour changes above this line on your leg. We have to make a decision tonight, and I would highly recommend that you have the surgery Captain, and be on that chopper when it leaves.’
Kate looked away from the Captain’s face, feeling his gaze on her again. She didn’t trust her own face not to betray her emotions. A deep voice broke the silence of the machines beeping in the room.
‘I withhold consent.’
Kate snapped her head towards the voice. Cooper looked determined, resigned to his decision and angry, as though he was daring them to challenge him. Her heart sank.
‘Captain, you do realise that—’
‘Yes, Missy. I realise what I am saying, and I withhold consent. You can’t take my leg.’
‘You have to live, you can live without a leg. With modern-day medical advances, you can still live a good life. It’s not over for you.’
‘I withhold consent. You can keep your medical advances.’
Kate opened her mouth to argue, moving closer to the bed, but Trevor stood up to stop her.
‘Captain, that is your decision, but let’s see what happens over the next few hours, okay? Think it over, we realise it’s a huge decision to make.’
The Captain snorted. ‘No shit, doc. I won’t change my mind.’
Trevor nodded, an almost imperceptive movement. ‘Kate, keep me updated.’ He left the area to tend to other patients.
‘Trevor,’ she called back to her boss, a little too sharply. Trevor never even turned around, just kept walking. Kate could tell he wasn’t happy with this, but was going along with it.
‘You heard the patient, Doctor,’ he said without turning around, all business. She knew he would be tormented inside, but now wasn’t the time for keeping opinions to himself.
‘Captain, you are making the wrong choice.’ Kate turned back to her patient nervously, aware that she shouldn’t be speaking this way to a patient. ‘You have to fight, you have to be strong. You need to fight and stay alive.’
The Captain looked at her again, and she felt a flush creep across her skin as his eyes ran over her body. For a nude man, he had the undressing people with your eyes thing nailed. She was the one who felt naked, exposed in front of him.
‘I know you don’t get it Missy, but this is my life. Without it, there’s not much to stay alive for.’
‘How can you say that?’ Kate said, stunned. ‘It’s a job, not your life. It’s what you do, not who you are. You have a chance to keep living, you should take it. Now.’
Cooper crossed his arms gently, his pale face wincing at the pain of his movements. He was looking sicker and sicker as time passed, and she knew he must feel it.
‘So you’re here for what, a paycheck? That bauble on your finger not float your boat enough? No kiddies to pop out at home, no dinner to make, slippers to fetch? The boy on that roof never even got to grow up. I know about life doc, and I choose not to live with one freakin’ leg.’
Kate’s hand made a fist, and she felt the engagement ring that Neil had given her dig into her palm. ‘How dare you! Being a wife isn’t a job, and you don’t know anything about my life! It’s just a leg, you can survive this! Otherwise, what’s the point?’
‘No!’ Cooper boomed. ‘There is no point! And you don’t know anything about my life either! You see a wedding band, eh Missy? Tell me, if you couldn’t be a doctor, what would you do? How would you spend your life?’
Kate’s mind flashed to an image of Jamie, at home with Neil, the man she had flown to a warzone to get some space from, and she closed her mouth, tensing her jaw.
‘My life is here, I have no plan B!’ Cooper said, slamming his hand into his chest as hard as he could. He coughed violently, gasping audibly at the pain it caused. She went to help instinctively, but he waved her away.
Kate stood there, her body erect, as the pair glared at each other. She thought of his wallet, bearing no pictures of home or family, and wondered if there would be anyone flying a banner for the Captain when he touched down on the tarmac. She pushed the thought away, taking a breath.
‘Maybe if you weren’t such a stubborn jackass, you would think about this some more. The clock is ticking, Captain. Your time’s not up yet.’
He relaxed a little then, offering her a cheeky half-smile as he rested back against his pillows.
‘Jackass eh? Well maybe if you took that stick out of your arse, we could have more cosy chats. I need to sleep now Missy, so do me a favour; leave me alone, okay? Go plump someone else’s pillows.’
Kate scowled at him, her whole body seething at the sound of his nickname for her.
‘With pleasure, Captain Jackass,’ she said, and she walked away, ignoring his lethargic chuckle at her retreating form.
Kate was sleeping in her cot when she was shaken awake by a frantic nurse. ‘Dr Harper, Cooper is crashing.’ Kate jumped from her bed, still fully dressed in her scrubs and raced to the tent with the nurse hot on her heels. ‘How long has he been down?’ she shouted over her shoulder.
‘Less than two minutes, I came straight here.’
‘Where’s Trevor?’ Kate screamed, racing across the dust for the entrance to the tent, ignoring the burn of the sand in her eyes from the dust her frantic feet were kicking up.
‘He’s in surgery, we had another IED casualty come in an hour ago.’
‘Shit,’ Kate said. Racing across to the Captain, she saw doctors and nurses running around. Whipping back the covers, she saw what she had feared and she sent up a curse to the almighty. His infection had taken hold with a vengeance, the discoloured skin now seeping well past Trevor’s pen line.
‘Okay, let’s run the code. Charge to 300.’ Kate grabbed the paddles, hands shaking. ‘Now guys, let’s go, his organs are failing!’
The machine bleeped its readiness. ‘Clear,’ she shouted, shocking the Captain’s chest. She checked the monitor again. ‘No output, charge to 350. Prep for amputation.’ She waited for the sound of the charge, but nothing came. The monitors continued their music, the beeping of a man circling the drain of death. ‘Move, people!’
Nurse Abby looked at Kate. ‘Kate, he refused amputation. He’s been down for three minutes, and unless we amputate, his body will continue to shut down. I think we need to call it.’
Kate stood, paddles in hand, trying to think. ‘Have you called Trevor?’
‘He’s in surgery, he can’t come.’
‘Did he sign the DNR?’ Kate asked frantically, trying to justify the decision she knew she wanted to take. ‘Did he put anything in writing?’
Abby shook her head. ‘No, but he told Trevor. We could wait for him, he’s being told right now.’
Kate looked at the man on the bed, and thought of the boy on the roof. If Cooper died, what would be the point in any of this? Would she want Jamie’s death to mean something, if her child had been on that rooftop? Life was made of split second decisions, and Kate had made enough to know that she would rather choose fast and live with the fallout. The thought of letting him die felt wrong. She just knew that the world still had plans for this soldier, even if he didn’t realise it yet. She would live with her decision,. If the Captain couldn’t deal with it, then that was his choice. He could die, just not today, and not on her watch.
‘Patients change their mind. Do you want to be responsible for a death that could have been prevented? Abby, please – charge!’ Kate looked at the nurse, feeling the sweat drip down her spine inside her scrubs. She was terrified, but she just couldn’t let him go out like this. Her mind was set. Abby looked at her and the others around them, and shaking her head, she clicked a button.
The beeping noise told Kate the unit was charged.
‘Clear!’ she shouted, shocking the Captain again. His body jerked and his eyes fluttered. She looked desperately at the monitor. Nothing. Nothing on the screen but a line, and a beep heralding the call of the end. Nothing, nothing, then a beat, beat, beat. The pixels on the screen danced across, levelling into a pattern. The prettiest pattern Dr Harper had ever seen.
‘We have him back,’ she said, putting the paddles away. ‘Gown me up,’ she ordered.
Abby looked at the other nurses, no one moving. Kate’s eyes whipped around her colleagues. ‘Did you hear me? Let’s get him under, and gown me up!’
Abby shook her head. ‘It’s against patient wishes. It’s one thing bringing him back once, but this … I can’t.’
Kate glared at her. ‘This man ran across a battle zone to save his colleagues. We can’t let him die like this. If you won’t help, then go!’ she screamed.
The staff all looked at each other, and seconds later, the bed was the centre of a whirlwind of medical professionals. ‘I need a bone saw and a ten blade, now.’
Abby nodded, running to the sterile equipment store and grappling for implements with shaky hands. Kate snipped away the bandages, another nurse prepping the surgical field, and a doctor worked on anaesthetising the Captain.
Moments later, someone passed the blade to her. She took a deep breath, looking at Cooper’s unconscious face, and made the first cut.
Please forgive me.