Three months earlier
‘And what about Jamie, Kate? Have you thought about him in all this? I have a job too, you know,’ Neil said, ripping off his tie and slamming it down on the table that sat in their large open plan kitchen. Kate continued to stir the pasta, giving herself a minute before acknowledging her husband’s rant.
She turned down the stove and moved to face him, resting her back against the kitchen worktop. The room was dimly lit, the side bulbs under the units giving off a glow to light up the room. One of Jamie’s school projects lay on the table, drying papier-mâché planets, laid on old newspaper, ready to paint. Looking at her husband, Kate noticed the fine lines around his eyes, the crinkles on his forehead. When they had first got together, she had never imagined that it would end up like this.
They had only been on a few dates, and Kate was getting ready to break it off, realising that their relationship wasn’t lighting the spark she had expected to feel. Then she was late. Four weeks late on her normally regular cycle, and she just knew. A few weeks before, determined to give her suitor a good opportunity to bowl her over, she had suggested a night on the town. It had gone quite well too, but Kate had drunk a lot that night, determined to silence the voice inside her that told her that this guy was not the one for her. Everyone deserved a chance. The next morning, she had woken up with a thick head, a heavy heart and a sleeping naked Neil beside her. She was the original cliché, knocked up after one night together. That definitely hadn’t been part of her plans, especially as she had just secured her dream job as an orthopaedic surgeon at the local hospital in Leeds. Whether she liked it or not, she’d have to juggle a baby and her career, and a lukewarm dating partner who had just been cemented into her life. Abortion wasn’t an option for Kate; she had no problem with people having a choice, but her choice was to keep the baby, no matter how inconvenient the timing was. So they’d got married. Neil had been delighted, never sharing her worries or misgivings. Being from a large family, he saw this as the way life was supposed to be; meet someone, get married, have a baby. By the time Jamie came along, they had bought a house together and settled down into the rut that was their married life. And a rut it was for Kate. In many ways, she loved being with him. He was a good father, he loved her, they got on, but the thunderbolt was never there for her. She knew it was for him, he told her how he felt all the time.
Surgeons have a reputation for being rather cold, clinical people. Top-of-their-field surgeons are pretty much left alone. They cut and save lives, they don’t get emotionally invested in their patients. Neil saw how Kate was with her work, and took it as an extension of her. It wasn’t a reflection on their marriage, their child, their life together. As time went on, they settled into each other’s lives, forging one of their own. Kate knew that her love for Jamie was one of the things Neil adored most about her. There she came alive for him, and shed the surgeon skin. And in the beginning, that was enough for him.
Kate adored her child from day one. Even looking at Jamie now, she was hit by a sucker punch of emotion, a protective instinct that she’d never known she had. Jamie was her world, and now Neil was using that to sling mud at her from across the room. Looking at him now, she wondered how many of those lines and wrinkles had been caused by her over the years. He seemed to age before her eyes, and she considered what another woman might have seen when looking at him. Maybe she would have loved him more. He could have been someone’s first choice. Did he know now, that he wasn’t hers?
‘Are you going to answer me? I’m not one of your lackies, Kate!’
Kate’s head whipped round, her levels of fury rising. He had a chip on his shoulder about her job, and it was raising its ugly green head more and more these days.
‘Don’t talk to me like that Neil! Of course I don’t want to leave Jamie, but Trevor asked me to help. It’s a short term placement, the learning opportunities would be amazing, and I can really help people over there!’
Neil snorted. ‘Oh yes, you get to swoop in with your superhero cape, save some soldiers, whilst I stay home, play nanny and then hear nothing but how great you are from everyone we know. Your mother thinks I’m a joke!’
Kate shook her head, shooting daggers at him from across the room. My mother says no such thing, that’s all in your own head for god’s sake, and you’ll hardly be a nanny. Jamie’s at school full-time, and he’s no bother. Besides, you are his father! And please keep your voice down, that son you care so much about is upstairs asleep. ‘
Neil grabbed his keys from the sideboard and stormed across the kitchen.
‘Where are you going now? I made dinner!’ Kate said to his retreating form.
‘Well, plate it up, supergirl!’ he said sarcastically, and the front door slammed shut. Kate turned off the heat, and picking up the pan, tipped the contents straight into the kitchen bin. She filled the pan with water and left it in the sink. Heading to the fridge, she picked out the bottle of chardonnay she had left in there and poured herself a stiff glass. It tasted tart on her tongue, and followed up with a gentle lick at her tensed up muscles.
‘Mum?’ Whirling around, Kate saw her son Jamie stood there, hair all messy tufts, clad in his favourite onesie. Putting the glass down, she walked over to her child.
‘You should be in bed sweetheart,’ she chided.
‘Was that dad slamming the door? What’s wrong?’ he asked, his brow furrowed.
‘He didn’t mean to, darling. Nothing’s wrong, he just forgot something at work.’
Jamie nodded, his wide eyes looking at her in question. Kate gave him a squeeze.
‘Come on, don’t worry. Everything’s fine, let’s get you a glass of milk and back to bed.’
Once Jamie was sleeping again, Kate tidied away the rest of the dinner things and poured herself another glass of wine. It was after eleven, and Neil still hadn’t come home or phoned. His sulks could take a while, and he had even taken to sleeping at the office some nights, or on a pub mate’s couch. Picking up her mobile phone, she dialled his number. It rang and rang; she was about to hang up when he answered.
‘What?’ He said flatly. ‘If it’s not about Jamie, I’m not in the mood to talk.’
‘What happened to us, Neil?’ She asked, her voice small, sounding needy in her own ears. ‘We used to get on so well.’
A sigh came down the line. ‘Get on? That’s the problem, Kate. You always make us sound like friends. You don’t need me, do you?’
‘Of course I do,’ she replied, frowning at his question. ‘We both need you.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean. We have a life together, but you’ve never really needed me, have you? Wanted me even? Tell me, if something bad happened, who would you ring first?’
‘You,’ she said. ‘You’re my husband, of course it would be you.’
‘Really? Because I think if you’re honest with yourself, I would be somewhere on the list, but not the top. If I dropped out of your life, you wouldn’t suffer, would you?’
‘Are you leaving me, is that what you’re saying?’
‘No!’ The voice barked back, angry. ‘You’re still not listening Kate! You never hear me! I’m not leaving. You are though, you’re constantly leaving. You dip in and out of my life like a side show. We’re married Kate, that means something to me.’
‘I come home every night Neil, if I’m not working. You knew the job I did when we met. It’s demanding, but I’m still your wife.’
Neil sighed, a slow desperate sounding sigh.
‘No one’s perfect Kate, god knows I’m not. I regret a lot of things. If you want to go on the trip, go. I can’t stop you, I won’t. I just want you to remember this conversation. Think about it when you’re gone. I need you to get this Kate. You can’t keep living like this. We can’t. I’ll be home in the morning to take Jamie to school.’
‘Neil, don’t go, we need to sort this out!’ She begged, suddenly afraid of his detached demeanour. ‘You sound like you’re giving up.’
‘I’m not Kate, I’m not at all. You want to go, fine. I’ll look after things here, but just don’t forget that we need to work on us, too. Sooner rather than later. Things change Kate. Some things can’t be undone, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
Kate was about to ask what couldn’t be changed when the line went dead. Did he mean them, their marriage couldn’t be saved? What should she do now? If she left, would he be here when she got back? Would she want him to be?
She looked around their home, at the schedules and pictures on the fridge. The photos on the walls, the lines drawn on the door frame that marked the journey of Jamie’s growth. She knew one thing, whatever was going on with her and Neil, she had to be true to herself. Jamie was her priority, but she had to like herself as a person too. She knew what that meant. She knew that this choice was important, but she was used to making split second decisions and living with the consequences. Once she chose, she saw it through. Just like her marriage. Fight or flight. She didn’t run, she faced things head on. What Neil did with her decision was up to him.
She took a large calming sip of the wine and scrolled through her contacts before hitting dial. A familiar voice picked up the other line.
‘Kate! Hey stranger, given it some thought?’ Trevor said into her ear.
Kate smiled at her mentor’s upbeat and hopeful voice. ‘Yep, and I’m all in.’