Kate thanked the taxi driver and heaved herself out of the car, her duffle bag dragging along behind her. The night was still, and warm and she found herself grateful for the coverage of darkness. Everything was so familiar to her, yet so alien and different. She reached into the rockery, picking up the fake stone hide-a-key and let herself into her home. She had been surprised that Neil’s car wasn’t there when she first pulled up, but then she remembered. The accident. Their son had been cut out of their car. It was now lying in some police impound lot, or a scrap yard somewhere, waiting to be dealt with. She never wanted to see it again.
The hallway was in darkness, and she called for Neil. His keys weren’t on the hook, and there was no noise coming from the living room. He must have gone straight to bed. To get some rest. She would still have been at the hospital, but they had forced her to go home, get changed and sleep. Jamie would be in surgery for hours, and then recovery. She couldn’t do anything, and she knew her presence there was distracting the staff. She needed them to concentrate on saving her son. She looked into the lounge but it was empty. There was a plate on the coffee table, a piece of toast crust sitting on it. Remnants of jam sat on the plate, congealed. Jamie’s Lego beaker was placed next to it, no doubt once containing milk. She imagined Jamie sat there earlier in the day, eating his breakfast and watching cartoons. Probably leaving sticky jam fingers and toast crumbs on his clean navy uniform. A boy on his way to school, and now fighting for his life. She left the crockery where it was, she couldn’t bear to alter anything of her son’s just then.
‘Neil?’ she called. ‘Neil, I’m sorry. I was mad, I should never have sent you away. I was angry, and worried. He’s still in surgery, he’s stable.’ She sat on the bottom step, dropping her kit bag and unlacing her boots and dumping them on the hall floor. She pulled off her thick socks, her bare feet feeling odd against the plush carpeting as she took the stairs one by one.
‘I know you were hurt too, I’m really sorry I never thought of you. We can go back in a few hours, together. At least we have my car in the garage, we can get around still.’ She rounded the top of the stairs and pushed open their bedroom door.
‘Did you get a taxi home?’ she asked, looking at the bed. It was unmade, the pillows tousled, the sheets flipped back. It was empty. Kate blinked hard, as though expecting Neil to appear when she opened her eyes again. The wardrobe door was open, a coat hanger on the carpet in front of it. She crossed the room, energy suddenly bursting through her as she pulled open the doors to see what she already feared. His clothes were gone. She ran to her bedside table, dialling his number from the landline. It went straight to voicemail. He must have it, he rang me from the side of the road. Did he ring on his phone, or use someone else’s? Was his phone broken? Maybe it was lying on the floor of his mangled car? She couldn’t remember. She dialled the hospital, and got put straight through to the operating theatres’ office.
‘It’s Kate, sorry, Dr Harper. Is Neil back there now? With Jamie?’
‘No, we haven’t seen him. Jamie’s still in surgery. He’s doing okay.’ Kate thanked the voice at the other end, not knowing or caring who it was.
She sat down on the bed, and looked around. Neil’s laptop bag was gone, but she had no idea of knowing what had been in the car. What the hell was going on?
FOUR MONTHS LATER
Kate watched as her radio alarm clock sprang to life, signalling the start of her day. She turned it off, not wanting to hear the happy chatty tones of the radio presenter as they celebrated another day dawning, waking the world up with their dull small talk about the weather, the traffic, the latest fashion faux pas of the rich and famous. She stretched lazily, her body not willing to leave the relative comfort of her single bed. She looked around her room, taking in the depressingly stark surroundings that she now called home. Her comfy king-sized bed at her house knocked spots off this one, but she hadn’t spent a night there since the accident. She doubted that she ever would again. Going back for clothes was bad enough; the last time she had filled her car to the brim, carrying all she could, knowing that it would be a long while before she ever went there again. The ‘for sale’ sign outside mocked her when she pulled into the drive, like a banner, declaring her previous life a failure, the house just another casualty of that day. The day.
She went into the wardrobe, selecting a clean starched work uniform from the pile. She showered in the en suite, brushing her teeth, not bothering to even look in the mirror, let alone apply war paint to cover up her pale, drawn face. The bags under her eyes made her look haunted, a shadow of the person she once was. She brushed out her blonde hair, tying it tightly into a low ponytail, and putting on her shoes, she let the door lock behind her and headed for Trevor’s office.
When he had followed her home after his tour was over, a month after she’d come home herself, Trevor had hounded her, constantly contacting her any way he could, offering her a job and accommodation on-site in the rehabilitation centre he now ran. The tour had been his last, and he wanted to put down roots. He was being headhunted to run the state of the art centre, nestled in Yorkshire. The first of its kind in the area, it would house several dozen war veterans, specialising in rehabilitation and prosthetics. The centre would also have an impressive program for PTSD sufferers, meaning that the wounded service personnel they took in had a one stop shop at their fingertips, providing accommodation, a safe haven for their recovery and transition into life post service. Trevor was so excited about the project that eventually Kate couldn’t help but say yes. Her old job was no longer possible anyway, not now. And Trevor had made her an offer she couldn’t refuse – so here she was.
‘Morning Trevor,’ she said, sitting down in the chair opposite his large walnut desk. Trevor looked up from the pile of files he was poring over and winked at her, his grin dipping when he saw her.
‘No sleep again? You need to get some rest you know, why don’t you let me prescribe you something, to help you sleep?’
He didn’t push it further. Kate had started shaking her head the minute the words had reached her ears. ‘No, thanks though. I need to be alert, in case.’
Trevor nodded, his lips pursing with the effort of keeping his thoughts to himself.
‘We have a new intake today, and I want you to be his doctor.’ He passed the file over to her, and got up, walking to the kettle which stood on the small kitchen area he had in his office. Kate looked at the label on the folder and pushed the file away with one finger.
‘No Trevor, you can’t give him to me,’ she said, turning around in her chair to face him, crossing her arms across her chest huffily. He ignored her, pouring a large cup full of hot water. He stirred in coffee and sugar, repeating the action in another cup. He added milk to both and handed one cup to her without even asking if she wanted it. She took it gratefully, gulping at the steaming hot drink as best she could without burning her lips. He sat back down at his desk, taking a swig of his cup whilst pushing the file back over to her side of the desk.
‘I can, and I will,’ he said, forcefully, and she glared at him.
‘It won’t work,’ she said like a petulant teenager. ‘You know that, right?’
Trevor smiled and waggled his eyebrows at her. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him. She hated his bloody chirpy demeanour on a morning. She couldn’t raise half his optimism after a full night’s sleep and a vat of coffee, and she didn’t want to try.
‘Fine,’ she said tersely, reaching for the file.
He grinned at his triumph. Kate wanted to poke his eyes out.
‘How is the patient today?’ he asked, his tone softer. Kate stood up, tucking the file under her arm and gripping the coffee cup in the other. ‘Just the same.’
Trevor sat forward on his desk, resting his elbows on the table. ‘You know what I’m going to say, Kate. You need to call him.’
‘No!’ Kate exploded, splashing coffee down her arm. She felt the hot liquid burn her skin, and felt an odd sense of relief at the pain. I am alive then, she thought to herself. Lovely.
Trevor ignored her outburst, accustomed to her every mood after so much time working so closely together. He pushed a box of tissues across the desk, and she put the cup down, drying herself off. A splodge of brown coffee was spreading across the label on the file, and she dabbed at it ineffectually, only to see the stain spread across the name typed across the white surface. His name was tainted now, different, and there was no one to blame but herself.
‘Is that all?’ she asked, wishing the conversation away in her head. Trevor nodded, his face implying that he wanted to say more, but thankfully he kept silent and Kate left the room. Rounding the corner, she gripped the file tight to her chest, leaning against the wall for support. She could feel the blood pulsing in her ears, and her head swam. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths. Pull it together Kate, stop it. Get through the day, just get through the day. She repeated her new mantra aloud, over and over, till the pulsing subsided and she trusted herself to move. She heard a noise and opened her eyes, looking down the corridor, hoping that no one saw the mad woman talking to herself and hugging the wall. No such luck. A nurse was walking down the corridor trundling a suitcase along with her, a man in a wheelchair just behind. He wasn’t moving though, and her breath caught in her throat when she looked closer. The man had stopped his chair in the corridor, and was looking straight at her, a mixture of disdain and disbelief in his features. Kate didn’t linger on his tight lips or his furrowed brow though; she had been taken hostage by his eyes. His big, green eyes, that were staring right back at her. One look into them, and she knew he had just witnessed her meltdown. She was grateful when the nurse addressed her. Nodding hello, she looked back at him, and he was still staring back at her. Looking away quickly, she turned on her heel and strode off down the corridor to her office.
Cooper
So, it was true. Someone up there really was having a laugh. I was dreading coming to this hippy hellhole as it was, but now I had the woman who sawed my leg off to look at every day. Just what every washed-up cripple needs. I wheeled myself after the nurse, who was waddling down the corridor at a leisurely pace to my new room. Opening the double doors on the corridor, she pointed at a button on the wall. ‘All the doors are opened by button entry, so no problem moving around the facility, and there is a call button in your room.’
I nodded once, glaring at the button as we passed through. Pressing a button like a child, whenever I needed help or simply wanted to open a door. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic. The nurse, a sour looking rotund woman with ‘Yvonne’ sewn onto the lapel of her uniform glanced back at me, stopping outside a room labelled ‘room 15’. She pressed the button and walked through to the room, eyeing for me to follow. Once inside, she walked over to the curtains, opening them and cracking a window. Dust motes danced in the sunshine that fell onto the tiled floor and I squinted at the sudden change in light. ‘You should have left them closed,’ I growled, my short temper evident in my voice.
The nurse waved me away with her hand, choosing to ignore my obvious mood. ‘No chance, you need some fresh air, a bit of sunlight. Makes all the difference to a day.’
I tutted, wheeling into the room slowly. It was clean enough, a carbon copy of the other rooms I had seen since getting here. Generic pictures on the cream painted walls, thick patterned curtains, minimal furniture. A wardrobe, chest of drawers, bedside table, and a custom hospital bed, complete with bed rails and soft mattress. I thought back to my last bed, before, back on the base – a ratty cot bed with scratchy blankets, the smell of the day’s toil grounded in to the fabric. I would give anything right now to be back there, instead of in this glorified nursing home. Yvonne was starting to unzip my case now, and I shooed her away.
‘Er, thanks, but I can unpack myself. Later.’ She turned to look at me, opening her mouth as if to argue, but thought better of it and opened the door to the en suite. Another button.
‘You have your bathroom here, pull cord on the wall if you need it. Anything else I can help you with?’
I shook my head, staring at my case, the wall, anywhere but in her direction.
Yvonne pursed her lips before smiling at me and turning to leave. I began closing the curtains, having already shut the low window. Then I heard her come back into the room, and she reached over my shoulder from behind me, dropping something in my lap – the induction pack.
‘For you, when you’re ready.’
I didn’t turn around till the too cheerful nurse had gone. I picked up the pack, breaking the seal. It was full of pamphlets and brochures on the centre, about the local help available, all the usual crap. It was then I spied a menu and a few other forms to fill in, and a schedule. Throwing the rest of the pack onto the bed, I looked at the daily plan the people in charge had made for me, and froze when I spotted a familiar name. Kate Harper was on my schedule, every day for one-to-one rehabilitation. It had to be the same Kate as the one I just saw scraping herself off the corridor wall. I had made some enquiries after the time we spent together on the way home, but the hospital staff had been pretty tight-lipped about the whereabouts of the doctor, and wouldn’t answer any questions about her son or his wellbeing. Looking at her today though, it looked like she was struggling, so maybe her son really had died. Would she be back at work just a few short months later though? Had a tragedy like that happened to me, I would have used work to power through, so maybe that’s just what she was doing. Or perhaps she was just a cold-hearted bitch.
I couldn’t get a read on her; the woman who squeezed my hand as she slept, and urged me to live, that girl intrigued me and kept me up nights. The other half, the ball-busting side - this was the part I really couldn’t get my head around. It looked like she had recognised me though, even though she didn’t acknowledge it. I rubbed at my stump, trying to relieve the itching sensation I sometimes got. Moving to the bed, I looked in the pack for details of the gym. One thing that went in this place’s favour was the work out facilities, and I could feel my muscles just dying for a good stretching. Exercise made me focus, distracted me from the thoughts and feelings that crashed into my brain, sending me crazy. Being stuck in this place was one thing, thinking about the next step was even worse – and I had no intention of taking that step anytime soon. Grabbing a towel from the top of the case, I pressed the button for my new room and headed out to explore.
***
Kate was lying awake again, staring at the alarm clock, waiting for it to spring into action, spitting out the relentless cheerfulness that was morning radio. She reached for her phone and dialled a number, sighing deeply when the answering machine spoke out, informing her the mailbox was full and no message could be left. She threw her phone down on the mattress beside her, reaching over and slapping the alarm button hard when the clock struck the hour. Swinging her legs out of bed, she reached for her phone again, her hands shaking as she dialled. A ring tone echoed out into the quiet of the stark room, Kate’s breath held as it rang and rang. After an age, a croaky voice picked up, wearily saying ‘hello’ down the line.
Kate’s heart was hammering in her chest as she heard the dulcet tones of her father-in-law.
‘Roger, it’s Kate. I am sorry to ring you so—’
‘Kate? What’s wrong?’ His voice held concern, but she knew it was just him being polite. He didn’t really care, he had already shown that much.
‘Nothing is wrong, I’m just … I need to speak to Neil. Roger, we have to talk, and I can’t get anywhere with his work, and his phone is off, and …’
‘Kate,’ Roger said, cutting her short. ‘I don’t fully understand what has gone on between you, but, after everything, I … he just doesn’t want to be contacted by you, Kate, and I have to respect his wishes. You told him to go, you can’t have it how you want now.’
Kate gripped the phone tight, willing herself not to swear at the selfish prick of a man, defending his cowardly son from his own wife. Years of being the quiet, dutiful partner, taking the scraps of ‘kindness’ her in-laws seldom threw, having to bite her tongue when they tried to tell her how to look after their son, while forsaking any interest in their own grandson. Every memory was a smouldering ember, floating around in the dark recesses of her memory, until now. Now, she let in the light, and the embers sparked against each other, fizzing and glowing into flames of fire. Between gritted teeth, she spoke slowly in a low, clear voice.
‘When you play this conversation back in your head, years from now, I want you, both of you, to realise just how much of a mistake you made.’ There was a surprised snort at the other end of the line, and Kate knew that her father-in-law was struggling to digest how she spoke to him. ‘I will never contact you again, but if you have a heart, then you will ask your precious, spineless son, to call his wife back. We have to sort this once and for all. You have my number.’
And she pressed the red button as forcefully as she could, suddenly wishing she had called on a landline so she could have slammed the receiver down, or even still had her mobile flip phone, so she could bang that shut. Pressing a button to end a call to a complete arsehole just didn’t have the same satisfying effect, and she felt cheated. Cheated and impotent, just like she did every morning when she awoke, crying in the dark, alone.