They walked into the ballroom side by side, but the gulf between them could have made the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the pavement. It felt wretched, and Kate was constantly battling the sting of tears. The last thing she wanted to do was break down and show him up in front of everyone. She wanted to be here for him, see him through this evening. Be his rock for once.
Since the day she had seen Neil, things had been better for Jamie. Neil had come to the centre with his parents, and told him the truth. Things had been rough, but Neil and Jamie were in contact with each other, and tentative steps had been taken. Baby steps, as she told Jamie. Sometimes, it took a while to get to where you needed to be. Jamie had hugged her tight. She had her boy back, finally. Cooper had been there for him, a sounding board for his confusion and anger. Things were better, Jamie was living with his grandparents till the house sale finished, and she was getting back to normal with Trevor. Whatever normal was before. The only thing missing now was Cooper, and Kate was broken without him. She wanted to talk to him, to explain how she felt, but she wouldn’t put him in the crosshairs of the complications again.
They had skirted around each other in the centre. The only conversations they had were when Jamie was present, and Cooper kept himself to himself when she saw him around the centre. The only personal contact she’d had was a text asking her if she would still come with him tonight, as his date. So here they were. A night of champagne and silent yearning. Perfect.
The room was huge, all lit by strategic soft lighting. The ceiling was festooned in cream silky swathes of fabric, all gathered together in the middle and splayed out to the corners of the room. It looked magnificent, and Kate was glad that she had made the extra effort with her outfit. She felt a chill despite the candles lighting up the tables, and she saw Cooper flinch as he caught her shiver. He turned his head to look at her bare arms.
‘Cold?’ he muttered. She nodded numbly. His lips were pinched tight, as though he was trying to hold every word of his to ransom against her. He started to shrug off his jacket, and she went to grab his arm.
‘No Cooper, you don’t have to,’ she said, and a tear fell out onto her cheek. Cooper looked stricken. He pulled her to the side of the room. Hightower shouted to him, but Cooper shook his head at him so he turned back to the bar with his date. Cooper pulled her to him so people wouldn’t overhear. He looked upset and concerned, and Kate tried to brush away the tear without ruining the make-up job. He wiped her face with his fingers, gripping her chin in between his fingers to get her to look at him. She looked into his eyes and smiled in apology.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—’
‘Do you want to be with me Kate? Tonight I mean,’ he clarified, sadness etching his features.
‘Yes, of course I do,’ she said softly, taking his hand in hers. He gripped it tight in return.
‘Good, because I want you to be. Why are you crying?’
Damn it, just tell him. Just tell him now. Screw it. Worst case, you’ll be home in a few hours and it will be over.
‘I do care, Cooper. I’m just so sad that I messed up.’
She didn’t say another word because Cooper had pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He kissed her like he had been waiting his own life to do it, and couldn’t wait another minute. She sank into him, feeling the heat in the pit of her stomach. He turned her around in his arms, pushing her closer to the ballroom wall, tripping over his own feet to move her to him. They were still kissing each other, her hands in his hair when they heard a pronounced cough behind them, and a girlish giggle.
Kate turned around and felt Cooper chuckle as he tucked her into his side.
‘Awesome timing as always man,’ he said to his buddy. Hightower was stood there, looking decidedly uncomfortable under his smile.
‘Sorry, but I thought you were going to set the sprinklers off.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘Smithy’s wife is here. She wants to see you.’
Cooper visibly tensed and Kate gave him a squeeze. She was convinced he was going to fall over at one point, with his body seeming to sway, but he steadied himself. The shake in his hands was evident when he reached up to straighten his already perfect bow tie and tuxedo jacket.
‘Did she bring the boys?’ His voice came out like a plea. Hightower shook his head. ‘No mate, just his mother.’ Cooper took no solace in those words. The woman standing with Hightower stepped forward hurriedly, awkwardly holding out a hand to Kate.
‘Shall we go sit, let these two boys go mingle?’ She had bright red nails, which matched her pillar box red dress and kitten heels. She had red hair, and the whole effect with the sparkle from the candlelight make her look like she was on fire. Kate looked to Cooper to check he was okay, but she saw he wasn’t next to her anymore. Not really. He was back with Smithy, on that bullet-ridden street far away. She took the woman’s hand and walked away towards the tables. She looked over her shoulder at Hightower, and saw he was talking in Cooper’s ear. Probably talking the demons out of his head. Kate wondered for the millionth time about the cost of war. Did anyone truly win? Judging from the energy in this room, it was mankind’s spirit that endured, sure, but not without ghosts.
The woman in red was pulling her along through the tables, seemingly knowing where she was heading. She glanced over her shoulder, flashing pearly white teeth.
‘You’re sat with us,’ she stated, answering a question Kate hadn’t found the breath to voice yet. She pointed to a table near the corner, and Kate could see Cooper’s and her names on matching place cards. The sight of them made her feel all warm and fuzzy, and she had to stop herself from rubbing them together making kissy noises. The way he had kissed her had told her that he hadn’t given up … but what would happen next?
The woman turned to her, holding two glasses of champagne that she had grabbed from a passing waiter’s tray.
‘Here, get that down you. He’ll be okay, I promise. Brad does that sometimes too, he talks himself off the ledge half the time. He can help Coop. I’m Ruth by the way, Brad’s wife.’
Kate frowned, puzzled. ‘Hightower,’ she said, pulling a face as if to say this happened a lot. ‘Army wife, sorry – I should know by now that they never use their actual names. Or is that just men in general?’ She shrugged in answer to her own question, gesturing for Kate to sit.
‘So, how long have you and Coop been seeing each other now? Brad’s always tight lipped about the ladies his mates date. I swear, I don’t know what they talk about.’
She flicked her long red hair back from her face, and Kate noticed she had a long surgery scar down one side of her neck. Ruth saw her looking and flicked a nail down the silvery line.
‘Liking my battle scar? I bet you could have done a better job, but hey, it was done in the field – better than bleeding out. I have to keep my hair long, but it doesn’t bother me.’
Kate nodded, looking away. ‘Sorry, I was just surprised. Did you serve?’
‘Field medic. We got attacked, one guy tried to take our medicine supply. I tried to stop him, to save it for the patients that needed it. He slashed me, left me for dead. Bastard.’
She drained her glass, and Kate recognised the dulling of her eyes. How many battlefield spectres were there present in this room? She drank her glass off too, and Ruth grinned at her.
‘Another?’ She said, and Kate nodded, feeling the first buzz of alcohol warm her churning stomach.
Ruth stood to get the attention of a passing waiter, and Kate saw that she had clocked something across the room. Ruth sat back down, pulling her chair a little closer to Kate and taking her hands in his.
‘Don’t look, but Cooper is talking to Smithy’s wife. I know they’re both nervous about it, but honestly, she just wants to thank him.’
Kate cringed. ‘Thanking him will do him more harm than good. He blames himself.’
Ruth patted her hand, and the two women looked at each other. They understood each other, and Kate was glad to have met her.
‘You got any kids?’ Kate asked her, nodding towards Hightower.
Ruth snorted, winking at the waiter as she emptied the tray he lowered to her. ‘Thanks doll,’ she said cheekily. Kate thought she might smack him on the bottom as he walked off, the way she looked at him, but she just waggled her eyebrows at Kate. Her shocked expression sent Ruth into fits of giggles.
‘Come on, the man is lush! He could make a pretty penny if he lost the rest of the penguin suit and just stuck to the apron.’ Kate’s jaw dropped.
‘Hey,’ Ruth tittered. ‘I love Brad, he is my one and only, but life is short. I can appreciate the cut of a nice-looking man once in a while. They sure as hell do it to us. Being in your profession, as a woman, you should get that, surely.’
Kate nodded, seeing the sense of what she was saying. ‘True.’
‘I haven’t talked about kids with Brad yet. I want them, sure, now I’m based here. I took an office job after the last tour. Brad is still out there though, and I know he worries about leaving a child without a father.’
She cast her eyes over to the men, who were deep in conversation with a small blonde woman. She looked like she could be blown over by a good gust of wind. Kate could see her eyes as she spoke to Cooper. She recognised the haunted expression on her face. She had seen it many times. More often than not though, it was on the dying. It was what a person looked like when hope was gone. Having nearly lost her son, and watching him struggle without his father, she could see Brad’s point.
‘What do you want?’ Kate turned back to Ruth, taking the flute that she thrust at her and taking another sip. She could feel the bubbles going down her throat, rolling over her stomach knots and massaging out the kinks.
‘I am thirty-six, hun, the time for turkey basting is almost upon us. I want to get cracking, but I don’t want to force him into something he can’t commit to in his heart. He wants kids, they all do, but it’s the job. It changes you, it hardens you somehow. The last thing I want is for my husband to be distracted when he’s fighting for his life miles from home. So, I don’t push. He’s considering leaving himself, but it needs to be his decision. When I got hurt, we’d been engaged for a month. I came home, and we got married then and there. He didn’t even really ask, it was just arranged. Cooper pretty much did everything but be a flower girl to help too. The man is a prickly pear, but he’s a diamond too.’
Kate looked across at him, but they were all gone. She hoped it was going well, wherever they had gone to. The ballroom was building to a high volume of voices, and people were milling around, doing interviews for the press, posing for photos, chatting and laughing as the warmth of the room and the alcohol took hold.
‘You have a son, right? Cooper says he’s in the facility?’
Ruth’s voice snapped her back to their conversation. ‘Yes, Jamie. He is in the facility, yes, in the day, but we’re hoping to move on soon. I need to find somewhere nearby that can accommodate us.’
Ruth nodded. ‘Cooper said you were looking. Give me a shout if you get stuck, my sister is an estate agent. The woman is ferocious too. How is he doing?’
Kate sighed. ‘He’s okay. It was rough for a long time, but Cooper helped. He was amazing.’
A thought popped into her head. ‘Do you think Cooper wants—’
‘Kids?’ Ruth offered. ‘Yes, I told you, they all do. Even the grumpy Captain Thomas Cooper gets the warm and fuzzies around the babies. He gets on well with Jamie, doesn’t he?’
She stated it, without a hint of question in her voice. Kate wondered how much Cooper had told Hightower about them both. He obviously hadn’t told anyone they weren’t together anymore. Or maybe he had, and Ruth was just being polite by pretending. After the kiss, she didn’t know what the hell was going on herself. She wanted him, but how would it work? Now was not the time to start a tentative relationship that wasn’t sure of.
‘Sorry,’ Ruth held up her hands. ‘Two glasses of this stuff and I turn into Oprah.’
‘No, no it’s fine,’ Kate smiled. ‘It’s nice that he talks to someone. Him and Brad are close, it’s good.’
Kate threw the contents of her glass down her throat, waving her finger teasingly at the waiter, who blushed and started to walk over.
‘Sometimes, I can’t tell whether I just married Brad, or adopted them both. Let’s get pissed, eh? The awards are bound to be so-o-o dull.’
Kate was about to answer when she felt hands touch her bare shoulders. She looked up and Cooper was there. He dropped a tender kiss on her lips, licking his own after.
‘Hmm, champagne,’ he murmured, smiling at her. He looked pale, and she could see the pain in his eyes, but she didn’t show any reaction. She reached up and ran her palm along his cheek. He turned and kissed it. Whatever else happened, they had tonight to just be together.
‘Did I hear talk of getting drunk?’ Hightower said, flopping into the chair next to Ruth, almost spilling his pint into her lap. She swatted at him, and he pretended to snap at her with his teeth. She rolled her eyes, putting her hand on his knee. Cooper sat down next to her, motioning to the long-suffering waiter. Kate flashed him an apologetic smile. The poor guy looked relieved that they had men sitting with them. Ruth leaned forward, laughing.
‘He thinks we’re cougars,’ she said. Brad cracked out laughing. Cooper looked annoyed, and Kate laughed despite herself.
‘Keep your pants on Coop, the woman is not for turning,’ she said, and Cooper stuck his tongue out.
‘Good,’ he said, putting his arm around her. ‘Because I think she’s already spoken for.’ He leaned in, giving her a kiss on her cheek, and whispered in her ear.
‘What’s going on? Is this you seeing sense?’ He looked at her and she saw the hopeful optimism in his green eyes. ‘Are you going to try?’
‘Cooper, I don’t see how it will work. It’s too complicated. I want to but I don’t want to drag you into some part-time thing.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘So all this has been about protecting me, because you think you have baggage?’ He spoke low, but their friends were engrossed in conversation anyway, giving them space.
‘Yes,’ Kate said. ‘I asked you to live your life, and you did. I don’t want to get in the way of that.’
Cooper nodded, dropping a kiss onto her lips. ‘Okay. Good to know.’
The night went a little smoother from there. Cooper seemed to relax a little, and Kate was aware of his presence near her at all times. He always made an excuse to touch her in some way, his hand on hers, or the brush of his arm against the top of her own. She felt as though he wanted to say something to her, but couldn’t find the words. They skirted around each other with their bodies instead, doing a silent dance that made Kate’s every nerve ending tingle. Ruth and Brad were a great couple, and if they picked up on anything amiss between their dinner companions, they didn’t show it. They laughed and joked through dinner, the other people on their table all being swept along with the conversation. Ruth was a hoot, and Brad’s one-liners and her witty retorts made the whole table erupt with laughter.
The meal was beautiful and the wine was flowing. Kate didn’t want to lose her head, but after drinking with Ruth earlier, she was feeling a tad on the tipsy side. Looking at Cooper, she tried to see if he was on her wavelength but she just couldn’t tell. He looked like the same old Cooper, steady as a rock. Soon the meal was over, and the speeches part of the evening was underway. The whole room fell silent, but Kate noticed a good few of the men in uniform gravitated to the bar. Dutch courage she realised. Cooper looked across at them, and then at Brad. Brad said nothing but kissed Ruth on the cheek and stood up from the table. Walking over to the bar, the men saw him coming and parted for him. Kate glanced over at Cooper, and he was looking right at her.
‘Our bit’s up next. The guys at the bar are my unit.’ He clenched his jaw and Kate reached for his hand. He grabbed at it, gripping it tight. ‘Thanks for being here.’
Kate reached up and touched his face with her palm. He turned his face to kiss it, and she felt the graze of stubble against her skin. ‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else.’
He smiled at her, and she realised the look he was giving her was something she had seen many times from him before. Today though, she knew what it meant. The man was in love. With her.
‘Next on the agenda this evening,’ the announcer’s voice cut through the room. ‘We honour a man who has a decorated service record and has done no less than three tours in overseas conflict, leading his own crack unit. In the last tour of Iraq, his unit came under heavy fire. The officer’s quick actions saved the unit, and lessened the loss of life. We honour him tonight, and also the loss of one of his officers, Sergeant Smith. Adam Smith gave his life for the safety and protection of our country, and we are honoured to share the honouring of these men with their families. Tonight, we honour the late Adam Smith, and Captain Thomas Cooper. Thomas, could you come up here please?’
Kate felt his hand tighten around hers, and then it was gone.
The announcer seemed to be studying his notes intently, and he blustered a little.
‘I don’t know … er … do we need to … does someone want to give Mr Cooper some assistance to the stage?’
In the darkness of the room, Kate could see the guests looking nervously around them, and she couldn’t see Cooper. Her heart was in her mouth. She looked at Ruth, but she was looking at the stage. Kate scanned the bar frantically, her blonde hair coming loose a little from her pin up. She looked at the faces but they were all facing a spot halfway between her and the stage. She looked to where they were pointing and there he was. He was walking towards the stage, shoulders back straight. The murmur of voices around the room buzzed louder, till the announcer waved his hands to quieten them down. Of course, the crowd ignored him, so he kept flapping his hands ineffectually.
The audience were all transfixed, clapping and following the man whose presence swelled the room itself, but Kate didn’t see any of that. All she saw was Cooper. Her Cooper. His face looked relaxed, a smile playing on his lips as he walked slowly but confidently across the room towards the stage. To the onlookers, he was a symbol of hope, out there proving to people that people survived, people endured. The protective surge of love she felt in her heart felt like it was going to knock her off her feet. She was glad to be sat on a chair, gripping the back rest for dear life. He neared the stage and Kate wanted to scoop him up from the world and put him in her pocket. He was hers and she had never had loved anything or anyone more in her life, aside from Jamie. She could see his jaw flexing and she wondered how nervous and terrified he actually was, walking up to that stage in front of his family. His real family, the one he had never had as a child. She wondered if he was glad to be alive, even in that moment. He had lost so much, but did he truly see now what he had gained?
He made the stairs easily, the sounds of the applause from the crowd ringing in his ears.
He shook the announcer’s hand, moving to the front of the podium. Two awards stood next to the microphone, each depicting a soldier in full kit, standing to attention. Cooper stood looking at them for a moment, before reaching out to pick one up.
He held it out in his fist, nodding towards Smithy’s family.
‘Having a piece of metal and plastic in your house as a reward for someone giving his life always seemed a little crass to me.’ The audience fell silent, and Kate held her breath. Glancing across at Hightower, she saw his lips twitch. She knew what he was thinking. Typical Cooper. She looked back to him, and they locked eyes. Kate felt the familiar slam in his chest as she looked at him, and she mouthed ‘I love you’ before she could even think about it. He smiled broadly at her, causing a few people to turn their heads towards her. She kept her eyes on him, ignoring the inquisitive looks she could feel on her. He looked again at Smithy’s wife, and took a breath.
‘It might sound harsh, what I just said, when I’m the one standing here, and Smithy isn’t. The truth is, losing him was unbearable to me, for a long time, as it was for many others sitting here. Losing a brother is something that I dreaded the most. It’s why we’re all there, fighting for our families, and to keep each other safe. Smithy was a great soldier, and I couldn’t save him, and that’s something that I can’t forgive myself for.’ His voice broke a little, and Kate’s eyes welled up. She dug her nails into her palms as hard as she could. She would not cry, she would be strong, a solid support system for him. Just like he had been for her and Jamie all these months.
‘Awards never meant much to me before that day, and today I stand here saying thank you – for me, and for Smithy. I know he would have got a kick out of this, and I know his family are proud. I’m honoured to have known him, and the rest of my team.’ He put down the award and picked up its matching partner, running his finger along the gold plaque at the base.
‘And with my award, I’ve decided to honour someone else. The truth is, after the explosion, I didn’t want to live. In fact, I was adamant that I was done. Hightower and a few others here know what I’m like when I get my head on.’ A burble of laughter rippled across the room, and Cooper fake scowled at them, causing more deep chortles.
‘My award is for a woman who came into my world on the worst day of my life, and forced me to fight. She forced me to fight my body, my mind, and even on occasion, her. The woman has a tongue like a rattlesnake and is as stubborn as an ox, but she was right. Life for me was the army, and she showed me that I had other things to live for. I will never leave the field of battle. Everyone here left a piece there, one way or another, and I can live with that. Because Kate Harper taught me how.’
He looked down at the award in his hands, and then back at her. ‘I love you for that Kate, and many other reasons.’
Hightower whooped loudly as the audience sprang to life. Ruth nudged Kate, clapping. ‘Check you out Dr Harper!’
Cooper leaned into the microphone. ‘Kate, I am here, and I’m all in. Marry me.’
The audience gasped and the noise abruptly cut off. Everyone was looking agog from Cooper to Kate, and she felt a tear drop onto her cheek.
Captain Thomas Cooper, the most stubborn, masculine man she had ever met was standing in front of everyone he loved, pouring his heart out and declaring his love. She knew then and there what her answer was, and what it always would be.
‘Yes,’ she said, running to the stage.