Cooper looked green, and Kate could see his jaw flexing again and again as he ground his teeth. He looked dog tired, his day-old stubble clouding his cheeks. She found herself once again wanting to look after him, and she squashed down the thought. The longer she spent with him, the more she realised just how complex a man he was. She could understand his moods, bear the brunt of his anger and his grief for a life lost, and still stand to be around him. She was terrified today. She could feel the pressure of the day upon her, what it meant if he failed. The man could walk, he just refused to try, and she couldn’t work out why. This was a man that led others into battle, risked his own life to save his comrades and, from what Trevor said, never shied away from a fight. The reasons for refusing to try eluded her, but she needed him to try despite them. She was now fast realising that her time with him was limited, and thinking about not seeing him every day gave her a knot in her stomach that she couldn’t ignore.
It was Friday, and they had been working hard all week. Tomorrow they were out on a magical mystery tour for the day, planned by Cooper, and Kate was worried about the impact of today on their weekend. She was curious about what he had come up with, but she wasn’t entirely convinced that they would even be on speaking terms when today’s ordeal was over. Taking a breath, she gave him a tentative smile. When he gave her a nervous one back, her stomach flipped. She didn’t pick at the reason why. They were in their usual room, the weights ignored as they sat looking at the expanse of prosthetics. She had done her research, had sent out for the best types of leg available to them. Eventually, Cooper would be able to have a different transtibial prosthesis for sports too, enabling him to do more. That was all in the future though, for today he just had to get one on and be able to live with it.
‘You ready?’ she asked, looking across from her seat at him, perched on the end of his.
‘I was born ready,’ he said with a wink. They both laughed, and his attempt at being a goofball made them both feel a little better. Standing up, she squashed down the protective, nurturing feelings she felt that made her want to hold him, and got on with explaining the prosthesis to the patient, like she would any other. She was still babbling away ten minutes later when she moved to put on the stump sock. His hand covered hers and she stilled, shocked. He put her hand between both of his and without saying a word, raised it to his lips. He dropped a kiss on her palm, turning it over between his. She held her breath, hoping her hands wouldn’t betray her. She could feel a flush enveloping her body, and she prayed that the sweaty palm god would give her a pass this time.
‘For good luck,’ he murmured against their hands, his voice thick with something that spoke to Kate deep in her gut. Looking into his eyes, she smiled. Her stomach was doing backflips and somersaults, and she was suddenly grateful that they had skipped their usual breakfast this morning. She was pretty sure she would have been seeing it in reverse right about now. Putting on the sock, they worked together to fit the prosthesis, checking for fit and comfort. Then, wheeling himself over to the balance bars, Cooper carefully stood up. Kate kept her distance, just enough not to crowd him, close enough to catch him if he fell. Or try to, anyway. Cooper said nothing, besides letting out a small grunt. She could see the muscles in his forearms flex and quiver as he steadied himself on two legs again.
‘Ready?’ she asked tentatively. Cooper, red faced and ashen around the gills, nodded, a single drop of sweat escaping his rather shaggy hair line and making a run for his stubble, which these days was more like a Grizzly Adams tribute. He eyed the walkway in front of him as though it were covered in hot coals, and Kate’s heart caught in her mouth. You can do this, she thought to herself, willing him on. Go on, fight. He moved, taking a first step with his new leg. He shook as he moved forward, and wobbled as the foot came down to the mat. Putting his weight on it as gently as he could, he slowly lifted up his good leg, just for a few seconds, before setting it down again.
He did this again; three, four, five times. Raising his head, he looked at Kate dead in the eye before sitting back down in his chair. Kate didn’t dare speak. She was waiting for him. He didn’t say a word, and she knew he was processing. He was pale and flushed, and he started to head towards the door. She watched him leave, but didn’t try to stop him. He turned at the door, giving her a small smile.
‘See you later,’ he said, and was gone. Kate sagged into her seat. He walked today. Big steps.
Kate didn’t know how to dress, and she was regretting not living in the real world for once. Before, she would have popped to the shop to pick up a dress or a new pair of jeans, but now, in her bubble of an existence, she had a distinct lack of choices in the clothing department. She thought of her wardrobe at home, and she felt a pang for the simple life she had once had. Funny wasn’t it, how things seemed difficult till the truly hard times hit.
She had long since resolved never to shout at Jamie again. When Kate thought of her nagging, raised voice berating him for not picking up his dirty socks, or refusing to have a shower, she cringed. A guilt set in so deep, a guilt only mothers knew about. The kind that led you to their bedroom late at night, to smooth their brow, whisper ‘I’m sorry’ and convince yourself that tomorrow will be a better day. Add to that a pinch of working mother angst, a dollop of ‘I wasn’t there’ agony, and you had yourself a recipe for a rather feisty dish of blame stew.
The irony of everything was that now, Jamie was less likely to do the things that got her so mad in the first place. Things like flinging his dirty socks onto the carpet for her to find. Chances were these days he wouldn’t even bother trying to put any on.
‘What’s the point?’ his eyes would say to her, and some days, she was inclined to agree. What was the point? Jamie would never walk again, never wiggle his toes like he did as a baby, never kick a football. So now, they didn’t argue about socks. Kate no longer sweated the small stuff, till today.
Today, looking at the rather frail looking rail that held her clothing, she was sweating buckets of the small stuff, since all she had was swim gear, nightwear and work wear, and everything seemed to be on the tatty side. She moved the hangers from side to side once more, as if a designer outfit would suddenly spring out in front of her, but all she was presented with was a couple of sturdy cardigans and an Avril Lavigne tour t-shirt. Not exactly ‘surprise day out’ attire. She sighed, shoulders sagging. Well, that was it. Heading for the door to tell Cooper the day was off, she was confronted by Rita, who was stood in her doorway, hand out in a knocking motion. Kate jumped.
‘Ooh, you scared me there, Rita!’
Rita batted her away. ‘Sorry duck, just wanted to drop these off for you.’ Kate noticed then that Rita had two clothing holders draped over her arm, and there were two shoeboxes at her feet. Kate flushed. Did everyone know about this weekend? What did people think, exactly?
‘I don’t understand,’ she ventured hesitantly. Rita took her stuttered delay in response as a chance to push past her into the room, shuffling the boxes along the floor with one of her feet.
‘One’s for today, one’s for tonight. They’re all labelled up, so don’t be peeking at the wrong stuff, okay?’
Kate nodded numbly as Rita laid the boxes and bags on her bed. She went to leave when Kate grabbed her arm.
‘Thanks Rita, I really appreciate this.’
Rita patted her hand, smiling at her. Kate could see the crow’s feet and laughter lines on her friend’s sweet face.
‘You’re welcome love, but it’s not down to me. Have a good time!’
Kate looked at the bed, confused. ‘Who did it then?’
Rita winked at her. ‘A little birdie,’ she said, chuckling. ‘Remember, have fun.’ Rita looked as though she wanted to say more, but she stopped herself. Kate could see it was an effort for her, and once again she wondered what people around here were saying.
‘But?’ Kate said softly, prompting Rita to finish what she wanted to say. Rita stopped, the door handle in her hand midway closed. Turning back, she clasped her hands in front of her, and Kate swallowed as she waited to hear what came next.
‘Kate, don’t waste this chance. Remember, you did nothing wrong. There is so much sadness around here, such darkness and misery. Seeing a bit of light is a welcome thing. It’s something to cling to, not a thing to be feared. You deserve to be happy. More than most, as it goes.’ Kate closed her mouth, feeling herself well up. The rebuttal died in her mouth before it made it past her lips. It went unspoken as Rita said something that made Kate’s heart clench. The door closing with a click sounded like a parting shot in the quiet of the room.
‘Life is for living Kate, no one knows that more than Thomas. Show him.’
Kate ran her fingers through her hair, and walked over to the bed. The top clothes bag said ‘Saturday day’ on it, and there was a matching label on the shoebox nearby. Taking a breath, she opened the bag.
***
Three hours later, Kate sat with her back against a man. They were squashed up tight, her quivering back pressed up against his broad chest. She could hear her heartbeat in her head, it pounded from her ears. Boom boom boom boom. She tried to run her tongue along her lips to wet them, but it was so dry it rasped along them instead, and she swallowed hard. She felt him squeeze her arm from behind her, and point his finger in front of her. She followed where he was pointing and saw Cooper grinning at her. She couldn’t believe she was doing this and what was worse, that Jamie would be there, watching. He had been positively delirious when they had set off in the minibus that morning. She smiled despite herself as she thought of her son, giggling and teasing her on the journey to the air strip. Captain bloody Thomas Cooper had only gone and arranged a tandem skydive for them. She couldn’t say no and he knew it, which was precisely why he was grinning at her now from behind his frog goggles. She could throw him out of the plane with her bare hands right now, but since he was strapped to the other instructor, she restrained herself. Instead, she settled for a sarcastic grin and flipping him the finger. Of course, he just laughed.
When she had opened the first clothing bag, she had been confronted with a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. Comfy, but smart. The shoebox contained a pair of bright trainers, again trendy, modern and functional. She had guessed at something sporty, it was Cooper after all. She hardly expected an afternoon at the spa or a pottery class, but this was something else. Trevor had even sponsored the dive, so the veterans’ fund would be happy. She had no wiggle room to get out of it, and with Jamie being sat in the van ready to tag along, her fate was sealed. So here she was; after training that had terrified her to her very core, she was sat in a plane up in the air, strapped to a man who was so warm and comforting she wanted to straddle him for dear life, to escape what was coming. Final checks were being made, the path was set, and Cooper and Brad, his tandem, were moving to the now open doorway of the plane. As Kevin, her straddle-ee moved closer to them, Kate looked down at her feet, willing them to respond to her request, even as her own brain screamed at her to curl into a ball.
The wind and the sound of the engine filled her ears with white noise, and she kept trying to swallow, to spread whatever moisture was left around her mouth. Kevin squeezed her arm around, showing her the signal that they were nearly ready. Cooper’s voice cut through the wall of sound, and she looked up at him. His eyes caught her in their grasp, and for a second, everything stopped. His gaze told her so much, and she nodded in response. He nodded back, and was gone. She half-ran to the door, leaning over the edge to watch them fall. Kevin jolted behind her, surprised at her sudden movement.
‘Steady,’ he chuckled, and then suddenly they were watching the plane fall away. She had no breath. The urge to panic was immense, and she had to really concentrate on trying to breathe, to not panic and black out. She was suddenly grateful for the rather scary training they had done. It had been like a birthing class – teaching you how to breathe, to cope when the world span out of control. She thought again of those eyes, and she took a breath and opened her own. The plane was a dot now, as they fell through the clouds. She wiggled her head and caught sight of Cooper. He looked so alive, whooping and waving his limbs around as he laughed with Brad. He looked up at her as they came level.
‘Hey Missy, we’re flying!’
Kate laughed out loud, letting rip a whoop of her own. She had never felt so alive, so free. She laughed at herself, up in the air, away from the dry air at the centre. As they floated down to the ground, she felt someone grasp her fingers. Looking across, she squeezed Cooper’s hand back, and then they were gone, separate but together in their adventure. As the ground came up to meet them, Kate still had his hand on her mind. Even through her glove, she could still feel the heat of his touch.
Later that day, Kate had settled Jamie back into his room. She had never seen him so cheerful, so excited, not since before the accident. He was so proud of his mum doing a sky dive, he’d even been willing to talk to her, but that was short-lived. When he returned to the centre, his mood dulled a little, and Kate knew just how he was feeling. Coming back to the centre after the day out brought home just how much things had changed. She had made a decision, and now she just had to have the strength to pull the trigger. Things had to change, this limbo they were living in had to stop. Heading back to her room, she passed Trevor on the corridor.
‘Kate, how did your day out go – ow!’ He rubbed his arm. Kate drew back her fist again and he cowered in faux fear. ‘Okay, okay! I’m sorry! It raised money for the centre, what am I going to do? Say no?’
Kate moved as if to strike him again but pulled him in for a hug instead. ‘Thanks,’ she whispered into his ear. He hugged her to him.
‘Welcome. Glad you had a good day. How’s the patient?’
Kate pulled back a little, but Trevor kept his arms around her. ‘Doing okay today. Doing better, in fact.’
‘Good. Should be an easy transition then, when you see other patients too.’ Kate smiled, but it soon dropped when she thought about her time with Cooper changing. It wouldn’t be the same not seeing him every day, and he was the one thing that had made any dent on Jamie’s depression at all. When she put her plan into action, she would need all the help she could get, and she couldn’t pretend even to herself that Cooper hadn’t featured in her thoughts for the future. She just didn’t know how that would work, let alone in what capacity. Trevor must have sensed her discomfort, and he pulled her back, his arms gripping the top of her shoulders.
‘What’s the matter Kate, can I help?’ She sighed and looked at her mentor. His face was a picture of concern, and the emotions in his expression took her by surprise. His grip tightened on her shoulders, and she flinched. She saw something move out of the corner of her eye, but before she could look, Trevor lunged at her. The shock of his lips against hers made her gasp, and for a split second she didn’t react. She heard a noise from behind Trevor and it snapped her back to the present. She reached up and pushed his hands away, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. Trevor looked stricken, and he reached out for her hand. Kate backed away towards her room.
‘Kate, don’t go, I didn’t mean to—’
She cut him off with a raised hand. ‘It’s okay, it’s been a long day, I need to get changed.’ She headed for her room, running away from him. What the hell was that? Bursting through her room door, she flounced across the room and threw herself onto the bed. Had that just happened? She gripped the pillow, willing her racing heart to slow down. The odd thing was, as unexpected as the kiss was, it did provoke a response from Kate. Her mind was buzzing with the possibilities of how she felt, but she wouldn’t act on them just yet. She needed to put her plan into action first. Reaching into the pocket of her trousers, she pulled out a piece of paper. Dialling the number written on it into her phone, she held her breath as the call connected.
‘Hello,’ she said, willing her voice not to shake. ‘I need to hire your services.’