Cooper
I dreamt I was running across the dust, bullets whizzing past my ear as I raced for shelter, my gun tight to my side. The radio was buzzing in my jacket, shouting my name. ‘Cooper, Cooper, come in.’
Around me, the crumbling buildings fell apart, destroyed by shells and the anger of men. The ground was unsafe, potholes forming before my eyes, rocks shooting up like newly erected buildings. The radio voice kept insisting I move. Keep moving, don’t stop, or you’ll be no more.
I kept running, boots clicking on stones and rubble, sinking into puddles of blood, pieces of the buildings around me laying at my head like rose petals as I literally ran for my life. The noise in the radio changed. This one was female, strong, anguished.
‘Cooper, you have to fight. Cooper, you have to live. Wake up Cooper, wake up …’
I jumped as a pain shot through my lower body. My eyes snapped open, and I realised I was in the same tent, the same bed. It had been a nightmare. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead, I was drenched. The bed sheets felt wet, sticky to the touch. I flexed my fingers, testing out how my body was holding up. My right hand felt heavy, and I could feel warm, soft skin against mine. I smiled despite myself, and opening my eyes, saw Kate asleep in the chair, hand wrapped around mine. I pushed away the warm fuzzies I felt at waking up again with this woman holding my hand. She wasn’t so bloody cute when she was awake. My whole body felt sluggish, achy and my legs were killing me, a dull but insistent pain running through them. I squeezed her hand, running my fingers along her wedding bands. I wonder what sort of guy had this woman’s heart. Another doctor, probably, as driven and stubborn as her. I wondered whether it was the other doctor I met. I had sensed an awkward kind of closeness between them. She squeezed my hand back, and when I looked at her, her blue eyes were looking straight into mine.
‘Morning Missy,’ I said weakly, my voice coming out as a rasp. ‘Did I oversleep?’
She didn’t acknowledge my attempt at humour, and suddenly the blood froze in my veins.
‘This is it then, yeah?’ I asked. ‘How long have I got?’
She leaned forward, the dark circles under her eyes giving her a haunted look under the dimmed strip lighting in the tent. ‘Your organs started to shut down, and your heart stopped.’
I frowned. ‘So how am I talking to you?’
Kate looked away from me, and I tried to sit up. She placed her other hand on my chest, stilling me.
‘No, please, don’t try to move.’
I looked at her again, and I knew. I reached for the sheet, and pulled it back. She said nothing, standing and helping me to pull the cover down slowly. My right leg was still bandaged up, my toes poking out of the end, but my left leg looked different. My brain seemed to short out a second, and I wiggled my toes. Wiggled them again. My brain told me that I had just wiggled ten toes, but my eyes told me different. On my left leg, where my toes should have been, there was just the expanse of the bed. My leg was bandaged, and stopped just below where my knee should be. I became aware of a high-pitched gurgle, an unholy sound, and I looked from my legs to Kate and then around the room, searching for the source of the noise.
Kate touched my face, cupping my cheeks between her hands, and turned me to face her. ‘I am so sorry, Captain. I am so sorry. You need to stay calm, your stitches are still fresh.’
It was then that I realised that the noise was coming from me, but I still couldn’t stop it. It was like my soul was ripping itself in two, and I laid back against the covers as my head swam.
Looking down at my legs again, I closed my eyes tight.
‘Put the cover back,’ I begged. Kate wrapped me up again, checking the monitor, her face a mask of stricken pain.
‘Do you need more pain relief?’ she asked softly. I nodded, and she turned to the fluid bag my IV drip was connected to.
I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to catch sight of my broken body under the sheets.
Kate took a seat in the chair beside me, and I turned my head to look at her. Her face soothed me, and I didn’t have the strength to unpick at the whys and wherefores in that moment.
‘You were crashing, so I made a call. You didn’t make it, we had to revive you twice. I had no choice, you must know that.’
I felt as though she had slapped me. ‘You took my leg?’ I said gruffly.
I watched tears spring into her eyes, and she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek, and she wiped at it quickly, erasing the evidence.
‘Yes, I did.’
I nodded. The drugs started to kick in again, the pain in my body numbing. I didn’t try to fight the sleep that was coming, it felt like sweet oblivion was sweeping in to take me away, and I welcomed it. I whispered something, my voice giving out, and Kate leaned closer, her ear hovering over my mouth. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and I felt a twitch in my lower body. I would have laughed at the inappropriateness of it all, but I couldn’t muster the energy.
‘What did you say?’ she asked. She went to fill a cup with water and put the straw near my mouth. I took a sip and felt the coolness of the water drifting down my throat. I tried again to spit out the words that were screaming inside my brain like a pinball in an arcade machine.
‘You should have let me die,’ I breathed, and sleep took me under.