Audrey
Humming along to Awolnation, I apply my lip balm and grab my phone. I thought Joey would have called to make sure I am up by now. I cannot wait to hear how the meeting is going. I’ve always known Joey was special. He is meant for greatness.
I first met Joey through his sister, Natalie, when I was waitressing at a hole in the wall pool hall. He walked in and literally took my breath away. He was and still is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. The way he carried himself with such confidence was so damn sexy. I had never met a man so sure of himself. His sureness attracted me first, and then he opened his mouth. His voice was so sweet, like pure sugar. I thought I would melt then and there. He was so cheesy with his lame pick up line it was endearing. “My prayers have been answered. I asked God for an angel and here you stand.”
He actually made me blush and nothing makes me blush, ever. I’m not wired that way. I don’t ever get embarrassed. But Joey, that man, he just makes me feel everything. I’ve never had what we share. He has shown me that it is okay to let people in and it is okay to love them too.
When I first moved to Clemons, I had followed loser boyfriend number three with hope of us making it as a duo, similar to The Civil Wars. Austin had other plans. When things got tough he abandoned me, leaving me here with nothing.
I bounced back, he may have bent me, but I wouldn’t be broken so easily. I took whatever jobs I could, and I met Nat one night by chance. I found her in the bathroom crying over some jerk who had stood her up. I said to her, “No man deserves your tears.” Then I bought her a drink and got on stage with her to sing Ladies Night.
Her voice was terrible, but we had a great time. We became instant friends and she started coming in and hanging out with me.
If it wasn’t for her dragging her sexy brother along with her one night, I may have never met Joey. That night changed my life. Joey thinks I have commitment issues, but I’m just scared he will realize how much better he’d be without me. His mom sees it, and one day she will make him see it too. He has such high aspirations. I don’t have any of that. I am floating from one day to the next. I need Joey to keep me grounded. When he looks at me, I feel as if I could do anything and be anyone. No one has ever loved me and believed in me the way he does. He makes me feel as if I really matter.
I keep waiting for the day to come where he no longer needs me, his bubbly sex kitten, and meets someone with goals, who can give him things I can’t.
Joey’s Ma thinks I am just sponging off him, because I like working at the bar with him and his sister. Carwell’s Bar feels like home. I draw in a lot of customers. I’m no Madonna but I can sing. I fill a lot of chairs on the weekends.
Swinging the door open, Lewis is already setting the tables for the lunch crowd. He smiles surprised to see me. One of my worst habits is being habitually late. “Morning, sweet thing,” he greets, kissing my cheeks.
I smack his sexy ass and he rolls his eyes.
“You can smack it all you want, but girl, you aren’t getting any of this fine ass. I don’t do women, not even those as sexy as you,” he teases.
Lewis is a delicious hunk of sexual chocolate. His dark skin is so smooth, and the man has lashes I would kill for. He’s beautiful. I have never seen such perfect cheekbones in all my days. He also happens to be gay. All the gorgeous ones usually are.
“Any word yet from your man?”
“No, I am sure they are just getting to the restaurant.”
We fall into our easy routine of preparing the kitchen for Ronnie. The man is an asshole, but he is the best short order cook around. He comes in the back door, right on time, as we finish setting up his stations.
“Good morning, Ronnie,” I singsong knowing I won’t get a response. He grunts with a grimace, going up front to clock in on the register.
The dude has little-man syndrome—meaning he compensates for his short stature with his out of this world asshole personality. He never speaks to any of us unless he has to out of necessity.
Sasha and Lena come dragging in. They are Natalie and Joey's daytime girls. Lena runs the bar with Lewis while Sasha and I man the floor.
“Rough night, girls?” I smirk wondering who their latest conquest was. They always have some wild story to share.
“You have no idea,” Sasha says popping a cherry in her mouth.
“I need some fucking coffee,” Lena whines rubbing her temples.
“I’m waiting, bitches. Dish,” Lewis pipes in taking a seat next to me at the bar.
This is our daily routine. We trade sexcapades until customers start filing in.
Sasha starts going into some spiel about some college boys they went home with, but quickly stops mid-story when Freddie walks in. Interesting. Freddie is the busboy. There has to be a story there and I will get to the bottom of it.
Lewis pulls his cell out of his pocket and his face falls at whatever news the call holds. He covers his mouth and steals a glance at me. The way he is looking at me is freaking me out.
“Hey.” I touch his arm gently. “Is everything okay?”
“Don’t freak out on me, baby girl, but I need you to keep your cool and come with me to the hospital.”
Tears prick in my eyes. “Lewis, don’t fuck with me. What’s going on?” Deep down in the pit of my stomach I have a sick feeling that something is wrong with Joey. He didn’t call me and he always calls me no matter what.
“There’s been an accident,” he says, his voice shaky and uneven.
Fear grips me. I suck in a deep breath and exhale slowly, trying to prepare myself for the worst possible news.
“It’s Joey, isn’t it?”
He nods. I don’t know what to do. My hands are shaking, and I don’t know how to make them stop trembling. I need a drink or something. Lena reaches me a glass of water. My mouth is so dry. Please God let him be okay. I can’t lose him. He’s my world. I continue to silently pray as I trade the water for a shot of the hard stuff. Fire shoots down my throat and into my belly as it churns with unease.
The girls want to come with us, but Lewis needs them to stay and run the bar, so he can drive me. I know it must be bad if Natalie reached out to him instead of me.
The whole drive to the hospital I keep chanting in my head, praying Joey is okay.
He can’t leave me.
I can’t lose him.
He is my world.
He is the beat of my heart.
I want to marry him…make beautiful babies… I want it all with him.
“Joey will be fine, you’ll see.” Lewis tries to reassure me, but I can see the fear buried behind his eyes. He knows more than he is telling me, but I am too terrified to demand the truth.
The drive seems to take forever. I keep trying Natalie, but I keep getting sent to her voicemail, and I can’t bring myself to call Joey's phone. Something tells me that he won’t pick up. Something tells me that he will never come to the phone for me again.
I mentally replay our morning we shared. The way he looked at me. The love he poured into to me as we made love.
What if that was it. Our last moment together. What if I never get to tell him how much I love him. And that I want to start a family.
We finally make it to the hospital, and Lewis drops me at the emergency room entrance, leaving me on my own so he can park.
I am afraid to go in. What if I go in there and Joey is all mangled or worse…dead? I don’t think I can do this. I shake my right hand and bring it to my mouth, chewing on my thumbnail. How do people do this? How do they walk through those double doors not knowing if their life will be changed forever once they do?
I’m not ready for my world to change. Joey and I have a good life. We’re so happy. I don’t want it all to be ripped away. I don’t want all our good to go away. I don’t want things to change.
“Sweet girl,” Lewis says approaching me as I pace by the double doors, scared of what the other side holds. “All this pacing isn’t going to change what you are about to face. Joey needs you right now. Be strong for him.” He squeezes my shoulders. “You are a lion. Whatever happens, you’ll handle your shit like the tough bitch I know you to be.”
“You’re right.” I nod wiping away my tears. I have to be strong for Joey no matter what. I can’t afford to be selfish. When we walk through the double doors a blast of cold air hits me in the face, along with all the sadness and pain the waiting room holds.
Lewis holds my hand as I approach the receiving window.
“Can I help you?” An older nurse with beady eyes asks, clicking on the keyboard of her computer.
I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.
Lewis takes charge being my voice and my strength. “We got a call about Joe Carwell.”
“Are you family?”
“No, but this is his girlfriend.” He points to my tear streaked face.
“Sorry, immediate family are the only ones allowed back, he was in a serious accident. I can’t release more than that. If you take a seat, I believe his sister will be out in a moment.”
“Tha-thank you,” I finally stutter out as Lewis leads me to the empty plastic chairs in the corner.
This room is terrifying and loud. There are so many people bustling in and out. Some in tears, others with smiles of relief plastered over their faces.
Finally, Natalie comes out of the emergency room. Her white shirt and gray slacks are covered in blood...Joey's blood. I just know it belongs to him. I can see it in her blank stare—pain…loss. I feel faint as bile rises in my throat.
She rushes over to me squatting down and hugging my neck. “I’m so sorry, Audrey. I tried to stop him, but he was so mad at me.” She wipes her nose on my shoulder as her tears fall. She sobs into my hair as I clutch onto her, waiting for her to just say the words. The words I never imagined I would ever hear. Joey is gone.
“He’s in surgery. There’s a waiting room for family. I’ll take you there. Ma is on her way.”
Relief floods me, he’s okay.
He is alive.
That’s all that matters.
I take a deep breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
Repeat.
Inhale. Exhale.
Repeat.
One foot in front of the other.
Lewis and I follow my best friend to the other waiting area. As we walk she fills us in. They had a disagreement, which isn’t surprising being they are always squabbling. Over what though, I am not sure, but that isn’t important right now. Anyway, Joey became upset and exited the car. When he went to cross the street, a car came flying through the intersection, and struck him at a high rate of speed. Natalie was about to make her turn and watched it all happen. She left her car running in the middle of the intersection, rushing to her brother’s side.
“There was so much blood, and his face. Oh God, his handsome face,” She sobs into Lewis’s arms as he hugs her tight to his chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back.
I don’t know how to sit here and simply wait. I’m waiting for Joey to walk in any minute now and tell me it sounded worse than it was. However, he doesn’t.
Joey’s Ma comes in ignoring me completely. I am pretty sure she just snubbed her nose at me, but it isn’t surprising. She goes straight for her daughter, demanding information. I sit with my head in my hands absorbing the story for the second time. Only this time Natalie blurts out what they were disagreeing about with coaxing from Gertie.
“He told me tonight was special.” She looks away when my eyes meet hers. Panic bubbles in my throat. Were they arguing about me? “I know he wanted it to be a surprise. I’m sorry, Audrey. Joe was planning on proposing to you tonight.”
Tears of joy and sadness run down my face with her admission. My Joey wants to make me his wife. But why would they be fighting about that? Oh my God, she doesn’t want me with Joey. I thought she was okay with us, but apparently, I thought wrong. I want to comment but refrain. This is hardly the time or place.
She’s my best friend. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about her not wanting me for a sister-in-law.
I accompany Lewis to the vending machines to get coffee and to give Nat and her mom a moment alone.
Alone and numb, that’s how I feel right now. I feel sick to my stomach, but I drink the gross coffee for something to do to pass the time.
The waiting and the not knowing is tearing me up inside.
**
We have been sitting in the waiting room for four hours now, waiting for answers, eager to just know something...anything. No one is speaking. None of us know what to say. I’m afraid if I say anything it will just set Gertie off. She has never wanted Joey and me to last. Even her dog hates me. Bowser barks at me non-stop every time we go over for dinner, which isn’t often. She hasn’t invited me over since she walked in on us last Christmas.
I don’t know what she wants from me. I love her son and we are adults.
A doctor walks in with a somber, telling face. His eyes are heavy with regret.
“Is my son okay?” Gertie rushes over clutching his hands, grasping for hope.
The world is moving in slow motion as he speaks.
His voice is gravely. “Your son has suffered, multiple, devastating injuries. We repaired what we could, but we don’t expect him to survive the night. He’s on life support, and I wish there was more I could do for him. If you’d like to see him, I suggest you do it now and begin making preparations.”
At this point I am frozen in place.
His words can’t be true.
I have to get to Joey.
He needs me.
I can bring him back.
He will come back—for me.
Natalie is collapsed in a chair wailing loudly that this is all her fault. Lewis is doing his best to console her without much luck. Her light brown hair is knotted and wild as she shoves him away. I feel like I’m having an outer body experience, and this can’t really be happening right now.
“Mrs. Carwell. Your son is an organ donor. We will need you to go over the paperwork at your convenience, but the sooner you act the sooner we can save other families from this heartache.”
“Oh my God!” I yell, snapping out of my daze. “He’s not dead yet and you already want to harvest him for his organs. Fuck you, whatever your name is. Joey is a fighter. He will fight his way back to me,” I cry and go to smack the man but stop myself.
“Miss, I’m sorry. I know this is difficult to hear, but Joe has a good heart. His organs could save a lot of lives.”
Gertie is clutching her chest, wavering on her feet. I grip her elbows offering her my support.
“You make me sick. You are disgusting,” I continue to rant as I help Joey’s mom to a chair. “I’ve read stories about sickos like you. You are all too eager to cut up my boyfriend and steal his parts, so you can feel like a hero... Well, not today,” I spit at him as I get back in his tired face.
“Miss, please calm down, I understand you are upset, but the situation won’t change, he’s brain dead. If you’d like to see him, I’ll take you in myself.”
I am so angry. My body is vibrating. Fat hot tears well up in the corners of my eyes, blinding me and I can’t breathe. My chest constricts. A Mac Truck just parked on my chest. Falling to my knees, I throw up that nasty coffee all over the doctor’s shoes.
“Goddamnit,” he curses under his breath, leaning down. He reaches me a tissue from the nearby table. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at this, the telling people their loved one is dying. Losing a patient is hard for me believe it or not.”
“Part of the job, right?” I scoff wiping my chin.
He frowns and extends his hand to help me up. I take his offered kindness and I am the first to see Joey. Gertie is on the phone calling in family. And Natalie insists that I go in first. She is clinging to the same hope as me, that he will fight for me...for us.
The curtains are drawn, shielding anyone passing by ICU from seeing through the windows of his room. The different machines keeping him with me hum and beep, as his chest rises and falls.
“I’ll just go clean my shoes,” Dr. Redding, excuses himself.
I approach Joey slowly. Afraid the slightest movement may bring him harm. His head and face are wrapped in gauze. I can only see his lips, nostrils, and bruised eyelids.
“Oh God,” I whisper, palm against my mouth. My tears fall like a steady rain as I stand by his bedside. There are so many tubes and wires. His arm is swollen. It’s so much larger than I remember. The color of his bruised hand is all wrong. This isn’t the man who was making love to me this morning. What was only a few hours ago now seeming like ten lifetimes ago.
Sensing someone behind me, I turn to see a nurse. “You can touch him, but he probably can’t feel it. He’s been given a lot of medication. But they say talking helps.” She smiles weakly, coming over and checking the readings on the monitors. She’s young, pretty even. I’m glad a pretty warm face is taking care of him. If he were awake, I’d be teasing him right now that he only got in here to fulfill his hot nurse fantasy.
“Hey, can you hear me,” I speak softly to him as if my words could injure him further. “It isn’t supposed to be this way,” I whisper talking to myself more than anyone. “It’s not fucking fair, Joey. You are the best man I have ever known, and I need you. You can’t leave me, you can’t give up on me, damn it.” I cry quietly, wiping my tears on the hem of my shirt.
I brush my thumb over his knuckles afraid to touch him but wishing like hell I could crawl in the bed with him and lay my head against his chest. I wish he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me this is all a dream, that he is still here, and he loves me most as I listen to the beat of his heart.
But staring at him, I can’t feel him. I can’t explain it really, but he isn’t here in this room...in this body.
Joey’s gone and he’s not coming back.
He will never propose.
I’ll never have his baby.
It’s not fair.
I slump over his body as I wail.
Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear it’s Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t.
Lewis. He hugs me briefly.
“Nat and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”
I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard. There is no point in praying for a miracle that won’t come to fruition.
I can’t bear to meet my best friend’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her and hit her so fucking hard, but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone. I want someone to pay.