Nate
Gasping for air, I rush out the back door clutching my chest. Across the patio I see my brother’s grave in the family cemetery, solidifying he’s gone. I walk over and fall to my knees at his headstone. “Joe,” I grit out. “What were you thinking, brother? You always were stubborn. You aren’t here to take the focus off me and my fuck ups. I need you.”
Tracing my fingers over the edges of his name on the marble, I wish like hell I was lying here instead of him. Joe JR was the good kid, the one who was meant to have a good life, making our family proud. Not me, I’m the screw up.
He should be here now living out his life. If I could trade places with him I would.
I can’t help but wonder if he knew he was dying when it happened? I wonder what he was thinking about. Was he thinking about Audrey and the future they would never share? My lip twitches thinking about how nervous he had to have been when he asked Ma for our grandmother’s ring. He was always a momma’s boy, so eager to please and do the right and expected thing. We were nothing alike, Joe JR and me, but he was my best friend and I loved my brother dearly.
I don’t know how to be here in this house and not have him around. Seeing his grave makes the reality settle in in a way but at the same time I still feel as though he went on a trip or some shit.
“I saw your girl this morning. I can see why you fell for her. She’s a beauty. I don’t think she cares much for my ugly mug,” I joke, knowing he’d find it funny under different circumstances that seeing me had her fleeing the room.
Natalie places a hand on my shoulder and I grip it tight. She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t need to. We stay silent, the two of us, sharing in our grief for our brother.
I make a silent vow to myself that I will find a way to honor my brother’s memory.
“What times this shindig kicking off?”
“Around five or so. If you don’t want to go through with it…Ma will understand. She is just excited to have you back.”
I know she is. I feel like an ass. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I don’t need a bunch of fuckers that barely know me making over me like I'm some sort of Goddamn hero or telling me how sorry they are about Joe. I hate that fake sympathy bullshit. Because that is all it is—shit.
“Tell Ma I’ll be back for her dinner party.”
“Sure thing. Ride safe.”
My sister knows me better than I know myself most days. Twin-intuition or some shit.
Back inside, I find my keys on the hook by the garage door. I don’t waste anytime firing my girl up and hitting the road.
Gravel flies behind me as I punch it and swerve onto the main road with no idea of where I’m riding to. I just need a moment to myself before I have to put on a show for Ma and her friends. Easing back into civilian life isn’t easy.
I drive around Clemons in search of something, but I don’t know what. I drive past my old high school, recalling how most of my teacher’s passed me just to get rid of me. I was a terrible student. No matter how many times my folks threatened me, I’d skip class and get high any chance I got. I was on a fast track to nowhere fast. Ma threatened to ship me off a few times, but I knew she’d never go through with it.
After driving around aimlessly I end up at the bar and hanging with Lewis. I forgot how much fun the dude is for a laugh. He shows me the ropes of running the bar.
I am really impressed that Nattie has been handling this on her own since Joe passed away. She never was big on commitments or following through. I’m sure our brother put most of this in order, but it makes me proud that she has been holding shit down.
I can tell Lewis has something on his mind. We’ve been shooting the shit behind the bar. Him pointing out the locals, telling me I will learn their names and faces soon enough.
“Out with it, man. You have something you want to say to me.”
“I just want you to take it slow, no need to dive in head first and overwhelm yourself is all. I’m just saying I got you is all.”
“Appreciate it, but I’m good. I need to jump in and get into a routine.”
He’s serving drinks and I take this time to get to know the faces of my employees and our usual customers. I’m doing good, nothing is setting off my anxiety, until Audrey comes out of the kitchen and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her, but every breath I take I can feel her watching me, studying me, mentally comparing me to my brother.
My skin begins to crawl and the room grows smaller with every breath I take.
It’s too much, I feel as if I am drowning under her scrutiny. I can’t stop looking at her either though. My mind seems to think we know each other. I keep trying to place her face. Trying to remember where I have seen her before.
Taking a deep breath, I attempt to stay in control, doing the breathing exercises my therapist told me to implement when I feel overwhelmed.
However, my brother’s girl is everywhere I go. I even see her peeping from the backdoor when I throw out the trash.
I wait a few minutes and go to the employee bathroom to wash my hands and splash some water on my face. When I come out she is outside the door, going into the DJ booth.
Having had enough, I snap. “What the fuck do you keep starting at me for?”
She doesn’t answer me and continues to gawk, even though the bar has gone quiet and everyone is watching, waiting for something more to happen.
I try to ignore her and go back to serving beer from the tap.
I can feel her eyes piercing my skin. And now that I know she is continually watching me, I find myself stealing glances at her too. She’s gorgeous. Physically, she’s everything I would go for in a woman. It surprises me in a way that she was with my brother because he normally had a thing for blondes. The more I study her, the more I don’t like the way she makes me feel. I don’t want to find her attractive, but I do. Now I can’t stop staring at her and it is pissing me off. The way her skirt she’s wearing hugs her hips. The way she keeps brushing her long dark hair behind her ear when it gets caught in her hoop earring. She has a freckle under her left eye. I’m noticing every tiny detail about her, filing it to memory, wondering how much of my brother she sees when she steals a glance at me.
I’m not used to being so affected by a woman. She shoots me a friendly smile and I don’t like this at all. I don’t want to be her friend. She shouldn’t be getting under my skin, but she is. She was my brother’s’ girlfriend, she shouldn’t be looking at me like she wants to jump my bones. And I damn sure shouldn’t be enjoying the attention.
I walk out from behind the bar, grab her by her elbow, and pull her down the hall where the bathrooms are. She comes without hesitation, letting me pull her into the privacy of the storeroom for the mops and other cleaning supplies.
I flip on the light still holding onto her, gripping one of her shoulders. Only now that we are closed up in the small room together do I catch her scent. She smells of fresh honeysuckle. Delicious. Her sad green eyes try to hold me captive as she longs for my brother. I shake my head, I’m not Joe JR, and I never will be.
I won’t be any man’s stand in.
“Look, it’s Audrey, right?” I try to be nice and keep my cool.
Her lashes flutter and she smiles faintly. Her beauty steals my breath away and I am hit with a sense of Déjà vu. I suck in a deep breath. She doesn’t need to be looking at me like I’m her lifeline. I’m nobody’s hero.
“I’m not Joe. I’m not that sweet man. I’m an asshole. I don’t give a shit about your feelings, or the fact that he was supposedly going to marry you. I don’t need you staring at me. I don’t need you hating me for having a face like his. I don’t need your self-pity bullshit. So stay out of my way and I’ll do my best to stay of yours.” I know it sounds harsh, but she needs to be clear that I won’t have her following me around like a lost puppy.
She gapes at me. Her mouth opens and shuts. Her somber eyes widen with shock, and her hand comes up to touch me, but my reflexes are too quick. I shoot her down, knocking her hand away.
I don’t know what she was planning on doing, but with the way she is looking at me it was nothing anything good could come from.
“I don’t need you touching me either,” I grit through my teeth at her, afraid her touch will feel all too good. Her breasts are peeking out of the top of her low-cut shirt and I can’t help wondering how they taste. My mind is racing, wondering why I feel I’ve met her away from my family. Sure, Joe talked about her, but he never showed me her picture. Said he didn’t want me showing my buddies and us having illicit thoughts like I am right now about his girl.
“Fuck you, buddy. You don’t know a motherfucking thing about me.”
Her dirty mouth makes my cock jump and I have to fight the urge to shut her up with a kiss.
I feel crazy.
I’m in trouble.
This is trouble.
I’m attracted to her, and I think she feels a connection to me too. A connection that has nothing to do with Joe JR. Confusion is written all over her pretty face as her thick lips turn into a snarl.
Maybe it’s lust.
Maybe we’re both just broken and lonely and need something to cling to.
I come back at her with a lame response. “Yeah, I don’t want to know you either.” Slamming the door behind me, making sure to drive my point home, I walk away before I give in and kiss her like a crazy person.
My head feels ten shades of fucked up. I want her gone.
I don’t know what I need but Audrey isn’t it.
Moments later, I’m helping Freddie bust a few tables when I see her step out of the storeroom, wiping at her eyes.
I don’t want to care that I made her cry but seeing her so vulnerable…I want to run to her, take her in my arms, and say I’m sorry. Give her some comfort. Tell her that I’m not always a crazy bastard.
I don’t even know why.
I don’t know her, and she don’t know me. I don’t want to know her either.
We manage not to cross paths the rest of the day. Audrey hangs in the back office while I stay up front. Maybe she will sell us her part of the business. There’s no reason for her to stick around. Joe’s gone, she isn’t family.
I get ready to head back over to Ma’s for my party, and thankfully Audrey isn’t on the guest list. I don’t know why I can’t get this chick off my mind. Maybe it’s just that she’s pretty, and I’ve not been around any attractive available women. Well, Audrey isn’t on the market, but she’s gorgeous. When I am getting ready to leave she takes to the stage to sing as the night crowd starts filing in.
Her eyes look everywhere but at me, and damn it if I don’t want her eyes to meet mine, even though I told her I didn’t want her to stare at me.
When she won’t look at me it about kills me and I don’t know why I am so perturbed.
I stick around a few minutes, curious to hear her sing.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I wasn’t prepared for a voice from the past to come out of her mouth.
She starts out soft and low singing the song Hello, by that Adele chick that has been played to death on the radio.
My mind travels back to before I enlisted.
Three years ago
This brown-haired beauty I’ve been seeing hang around Dusty Rose’s, a low-end bar in Legacy, the next town over takes up the stool next to me. I’ve heard her sing, she has a sultry voice that caresses your senses, and you want nothing more than to listen to her all damn day and night. She can barely hold her head up right now though. She’s as drunk as I wish I were. Her eyes gloss over as they roll back in her head. She slumps against my shoulder and I bump her off. I’m not in the mood for this shit tonight of all nights. Felecia dumped me, called me a loser. Said I’d end up kicked out of boot camp within the first week. Fuck her, I don’t need her.
My brother was supposed to come out with me tonight, but he had to study for some stupid test. Good ol’ Joe always doing the right thing. He’s never missed a day of school in his life. Not even in high school. He would never take part in skip days, afraid it would hurt his precious GPA.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of my brother, I wish I were more like him. One of those guys that always does the right thing. I’m not though. I’m the one that makes all the mistakes and fucks up everything good that comes my way. The military is my last shot to prove to my family and myself that I’m more than a criminal or a low-life loser.
The woman next to me falls against me again, only this time her head lands in my lap. I stroke her dark hair from her face as I down the last of my beer.
“That feels good,” she purrs, looking up at me with half-closed eyes. “Can you drive me home?”
“Where’s home?” I question, not really interested, but her head in my lap, and her pretty mouth have my cock thinking other ideas.
“Motel 6,” she whispers then hiccups.
I know the motel, partied there a few times. It’s just down the street. We can walk if she’s able.
“Come on, I’ll walk you.” I lift her head and try to position her on the stool again. I stand up to get a twenty from my wallet to pay my tab, and she jerks upright before her head can hit the bar.
She needs to sleep this shit off.
“Come on,” I say gruffly taking her in my arms like we’re fucking newlyweds. She drifts in and out of consciousness as I walk down the sidewalk with a would-be corpse, she is so damn stiff. Her head hangs over my arm, lolling from side to side as she moans softly. I hope she doesn’t puke on me. We reach our destination, and I prop her up against the wall by the office. “Room number and key?”
She reaches her hand down the top of her shirt and into her bra. I snort as she hands me a keycard. This drunken hot mess piece of ass kicks her shoes off and starts running for the pool. This chick has some spunk.
Fuck, just what I need, for her to get a second wind and drown.
Picking up her heels, I jog to catch up with her, hooking my arms around her tiny waist before she takes the plunge into the cold water.
“Oh no, you’re going to bed.”
“You going to put me there,” she says with a smirk. Her smile widens to her eyes. Damn, I didn’t realize how pretty she really is. Her dark hair frames her face and she has the most kissable thick lips.
Her nails dig into my arm as I walk her backwards toward the room. She giggles, nearly tripping over a cement parking barrier.
I catch her by her elbow, preventing her from falling.
Her red lips touch against mine briefly, so soft and inviting. I have to remind myself that she’s way too intoxicated for me to let things go further, despite the hardening of my dick against the seam of my zipper begging to differ.
I steal a glance at her key, 102. Thank God, I don’t have to walk her up the stairs. This chick is biting my ear and licking my neck as I unlock the door. She isn’t making it easy for me to put her to bed and end the night there.
I try to put her shoes on the table while she tugs on my hand. “You gonna stop playing with my shoes and fuck me or what?” Okay, yeah, she wants to, but if she wasn’t so damn drunk off her ass would she still want me?
I get her shoes and keycard on the table after a great effort and she pulls me down into the bed. You wouldn’t think someone so small could be so strong. Her long thick hair probably weighs more than she does. Her tongue is in my mouth and her hands are down my pants before I can even take a breath.
I break away from her, trying to think straight.
“Slow down, wildcat,” I say with a chuckle as she tears at my buckle like a rabid animal. “We have all night.”
“You’re hot,” she compliments me, running her hands up my stomach. Her touch is like a match to gasoline. My heart rate jumps through the roof. I want her just as badly as she seems to want me.
“You too,” I reply feeling like an idiot.
“I’ve seen you around. You’re cute.” This hot as hell woman wants to fuck, and all I can do is feel guilty that she’s stupid drunk. Indecision is weighing on me, but I am saved from the choice when she falls back on the pillows and starts to snore.
I roll her to her side, wrestle the covers from under her, and tuck her in. Going to the bathroom, I grab the small trash can, placing it near her head, in case she wakes up and has to puke. Checking the mini-fridge she doesn’t have anything to drink. I know she isn’t my responsibility, but I don’t want to leave her without at least making sure she has water, and something to put on her stomach when she awakens.
She’s going to feel like hell come morning.
Taking the room key, I go in search of a vending machine. I find a couple of snack machines by the pool. It takes me three tries to get the machines to take my crumpled bills, but I manage to get her some crackers, along with a bottled water.
Back in the room, she is still sleeping soundly. I place the items on her nightstand, and debate leaving a note. In the end I decide against it, I’m leaving in a few days for boot camp, and she won’t remember a damn thing about this tomorrow.
I kiss her forehead, turn out the light, and bid her goodnight.
I never knew her name—until today. I wonder if she remembers that night. The universe sure is a funny bitch sometimes.