Nate
Coming home is nothing like I was expecting. I thought I would be getting to have a beer with my brother, but life had other plans. I always thought I’d be the one to die. Joe JR was the smart one growing up. He did everything he was supposed to while I was always getting into trouble. He talked me into enlisting. Said it would give me the discipline I needed and save Ma from a broken heart. I just knew that one day out on patrol I’d drive over an IED and lose a limb or get blown to pieces. I have seen it happen enough times. I’ve witnessed a lot of bad shit I wish I could forget. Dead babies, fallen soldiers. I shake my head and try not to think about the visions that keep me from getting any sleep. They haunt me nightly. Being over there during the war…it was a damn nightmare.
I don’t know what made me think catching a train home was a good idea. Every screech has me gripping the edge of my leather seat and gritting my teeth, while praying I don’t freak the fuck out. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD before I was discharged and put on medication to help me cope with life. But I hate taking that shit, it makes me feel like a Goddamn zombie. However, I shake out a few pills into my palm and toss them down my throat, so I can make it home without an incident.
I hate being this way—depending on pills…going to therapy. It’s all bullshit. Nothing can change what I saw over there. Nothing can change the fact that my brother, my best friend in life won’t be waiting to greet me when I exit this train.
When I enlisted, he was so damn proud of me. Told me I was doing the right thing. That Ma would be so proud seeing me in my uniform. Seeing me become a real man.
The train finally comes to a stop. I grab my duffel bag and step onto the platform where my twin sister, Natalie, is waiting for me. First she smiles and then she cries before wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome home, Nate.” Her hair gets tangled in my dog tags and she giggles.
“Nattie,” I choke out needing her hug more than she knows. Being home is bittersweet. Joe should be here too. I can’t believe he’s really gone. His death still hasn’t actually hit me. I keep waiting for him to jog across the platform and make a wisecrack about my buzz cut. Telling me my ears stick out too much and I will never get laid with a mug as ugly as mine even though we could pass for identical twins.
“Come on let’s get out of here.” My sister wipes at her eyes and her nose.
“I figured we could run by the bar and I can show you your apartment. Maybe introduce you to Audrey and the crew. Ya know before Ma gets a hold of ya.”
“Sure, sounds good.” I don’t tell her what I could use is a cold one to take the edge off.
I follow Natalie to her Toyota. I can’t wait to get back on my bike. I haven’t ridden it in two years. Every time I would get set to come home, something would come up, and it would make more sense for me to wait. Joe JR always swore that he would get a Harley too and we’d go on the road together. And now that I am home it’s too late and my brother is gone. We lost three years that we won’t get to make up. Time waits for no one. I missed our grandfather’s funeral and now I missed out saying goodbye to my brother, my best friend. I want to see the place that I am to call home, but I don’t know how I am going to deal not having Joe around. Sure, I’ve been away while I was enlisted and serving my tour of duty, but this is Clemons, where I grew up, with my brother by my side.
I never expected he’d die so young. It should have been me. I’m the fuck up. The embarrassment to the family name.
The drive to the bar goes quickly. The front windows are tinted lightly to allow privacy. The brick has been painted black and the gold sign out front really stands out.
A few potted plants decorate the side patio. A sense of pride washes over me. My siblings really fixed this place up and made it look classy.
Inside, a brunette with hot legs is leaning across the bar and eating the fruit from the bar. She sees me staring and her face turns pale. The strawberry she was just devouring hits the bar top and her mouth hangs open. I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. I keep studying her, something about her is so familiar, but I don’t know why.
Natalie walks in behind me and nudges me in the rib. “That’s Audrey.”
I clear my throat.
Fuck, the hottie is my brother’s girl. I should have known by the way he talked about her in his emails.
Audrey picks her jaw up and waves awkwardly, and then it hits me how much I must look like Joe to her even though my hair is different from his. Natalie gave me a brief description of Audrey but I wasn’t prepared for how breathtakingly beautiful yet sad she appears.
Suddenly I want that beer I wanted to have with Joe.
“I can’t do this,” Audrey whispers and runs to the kitchen.
“She’s having a really hard time,” Natalie offers as explanation.
“We all are,” I snap at her making an excuse for Audrey. She doesn’t need one. I know it must fucking hurt to see my face.
I help myself to a beer. My sister starts to comment, and I give her the stink eye to shut her up. I can have a Goddamn beer before noon if I want to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take up the stool at the end of the bar.
“Sweet mother of a ghost.” Lewis crosses his chest and kisses my cheek. “Been a while, handsome.”
“Long time no see, man.” I down the rest of my beer. Lewis was always a friend in school. He grew up about two blocks down from our house.
“Guess your mug showing up explains why Audrey is in the cooler having a panic attack.”
Damn it.
“Is she okay?” Nattie squawks.
“On the verge of slitting her wrists like every other day.” Lewis rolls his eyes.
“I’ll go check on her. Sooner she gets used to my face the better things will be I guess,” I state, starting to get up.
“Let me go.” My sister shoves around me. “Lewis can show you upstairs to your apartment.”
“Looks like I get you all to myself, sweet thing.” He flashes his trademark dimpled smile at me.
“Lewis, we both know there isn’t a damn thing about me that’s sweet.” I chuckle as we head out the front door and around the side of the building to the apartment entrance.
He hands me a set of keys. “The red one unlocks the stairwell, the blue one is for the bar, and the green one is for your apartment. Natalie has the apartment on the right and you are next to Audrey on the left and share the balcony with her. Nattie said the walls were too thin and you weren’t here to argue.” He waggles his brows.
“Right.” I roll my eyes and run my hand over my head.
I take the keys and Lewis returns to the bar to prepare for the lunch crowd.
My apartment is bare other than a couch and appliances. It’s all I need for now. I know Ma will want me to stay with her, but with the way I sleep, or the way I don’t sleep I should say, I’d feel better being here. But first, I need to get my motorcycle. It’s in the garage at my parent’s house. I can’t wait to get out on the road and clear my head. It’s been too long since I’ve felt the peace of the open road and the rumbling of my bike.
I keep picturing Audrey’s hurt expression in my head. What can I do though? I can’t change my face. I go to lock up and head downstairs when I hear her sobs melting through my wall.
I hate to hear a woman cry, it triggers feelings and memories I don’t want to remember. My hands start to shake, I have to grip the kitchen counter and take a deep breath. My mind flashes to a year ago.
I’m doing door to door checks for members of al-Qaeda. Dario Erol is believed to be in this poor farming village. Kicking in the door I am met by a woman with a newborn clinging to her breast. She’s crying and shoving the baby into my arms saying she doesn’t have milk to feed him. Checking her home while holding her baby wasn’t at the top of my list, but she refused to take him back. His cry was weak, hungry. I knew he was going to die, and there was nothing I could do for either of them.
A loud crash snaps me out of the past. Audrey, Joe’s girl. Sounds like she’s breaking plates.
I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid of setting her off more. I hesitate unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I can handle her mental breakdown while trying to keep from having one of my own.
Natalie saves me from the burden of decision when she knocks lightly and asks if I am ready to head over to see Ma.
I take a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face. “Yeah,” I call out, hoping my voice holds.