Zee

I need to get out of the apartment before Quinn unravels the last shred of self-control I’m hanging onto. Dressing quickly, I grab my keys and wallet and head down to Savages and Saints. It’s still locked up, and I curse when I read the sign on the door, saying that it’s closed Mondays.

Guess talking to Kade is going to have to wait. But he’s not the only person I came here to see.

I get on my bike, half tempted to ride out of this damn town and forget why I came here. It would probably be better for everyone. Actually, I know it would be. But it would mean not getting the answers I desperately need.

Revving my engine, I speed out of the parking lot and onto the old gravel road that leads into town. I pass a beat-up old Chevy that’s going ten miles under the speed limit, narrowly missing a truck coming in the opposite direction. It blares its horn at me when I go by.

I skid on gravel as I take a turn a little too fast, righting the bike at the last second.

Adrenaline rushes like a drug through my veins. But it’s nothing like the real stuff. The shit that blocks out memories, and makes me forget what a self-centered asshole I am.

I slow down as I reach Main Street, not wanting to give Port Clover police any other reasons to put my ass behind bars — again. None of the charges they ever put me in jail for stuck. I may have been guilty for at least a half a dozen of them, but they could never pin even one on me.

Do whatever the hell you want. Just don’t get caught. That was my father’s parenting advice. And I’d lived the first twenty-nine years by that motto.

Even now, I still see some of Kade and my handy work spray painted on the side of Frank’s Diner.

Jesus, you’d think someone would have whitewashed the wall by now.

I make a mental note to send a small donation to the owner, with a message to have it cleaned up.

Righting wrongs. That was one of the steps rehab had tried to push on me. But there were some wrongs that were just too bad to ever right. Some sins that could, and should, never be forgiven.

There’s not much to the town. And it seems smaller than it did when I was younger. A small, Mom and Pop grocery store, a family diner, hair salon, and bank, with cookie-cutter, one-story aluminum sided houses dotted between them.

We’re only a little more than a couple hours away from one of the largest cities in the world, and yet it’s like being transported back in time to an episode of Leave it to Beaver.

Except my reality here never included the picture-perfect happy family.

The town’s only gas station is the last landmark before the road continues on with only trees and the odd farm house for miles. My throat clenches as I pull into the two pump station, and glance up at the rusted white and black metal sign that reads, St. James’ Brothers Auto Repair.

My father and uncle bought the place when they were younger, before alcohol destroyed their livers and they ran it into the ground. If it hadn’t been for my brother pretty much running the business when he should have been running laps for the high school football team, Port Clover would have been without a gas station or a mechanic.

I get off my bike and pull the nozzle off the lever.

“What, no gas stations in Chicago?”

I sigh, knowing my brother’s voice, and turn.

“Liam,” I nod at him, keeping my expression stoic, ready for whatever he has for me.

He’s still slim, broad shoulders filling out his grease stained coveralls. Looking at him is like looking in a mirror, or worse, like seeing a younger version of our father. But he has our mother’s eyes. There’s a softness to them that I’ve never had. Like the abuse and horrors we suffered through didn’t jade him the way they did me.

“Figured you would have moved on by now.” I put the pump back on the lever and take my sunglasses off, then lean against my bike. “You have enough money to sell this dump and get the hell out of this town.”

I know, because I’ve made sure of it.

“Hard to sell when the other co-owner is MIA.”

“You knew how to find me.” I’d written to him. He hadn’t written back.

“Figured you’d come home when you were ready.” Blue eyes study me, then his lips pull into a small grin. “You look like shit by the way.”

I snort. “You should have seen me a year ago.”

He grimaces, then says, “You coming inside?”

I glance over his shoulder at the old building and frown. Too many damn memories in the place. I shake my head. “I’m looking for Kade. You know where he’s living now?”

“Over on fourth street. The white bungalow that Mrs. Thomas used to own.”

“The one with the prized roses?” I laugh, shaking my head. “Shit. He went and got domesticated.”

“I told you he had a kid.”

“Heard something about that.” I roll my neck, then change the subject. “You still living above the garage?”

“Yeah. You need a place to crash while you’re here, I have a pull-out couch.”

“Thanks.” My throat constricts with having to spend a night in the place. Not sure how Liam does it, staying there, with the ghosts that hide in every corner.

“How long you staying?” Liam asks, rubbing his grease covered hands on a cloth before taking a look at my bike.

“Not sure.”

Liam exhales slowly. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye this time.”

I nod.

We stand in silence for a few moments. Unspoken words passing between us. I’m not sure the last time I hugged my brother, maybe at our mother’s funeral, but we were only kids then, with no clue of the nightmares that would unfold over the following years.

And me, the cause of it.

Driving away, I feel cold, numb. There are demons all over this damn town just itching to drag me down into a hole of misery and guilt. They’ve been my companions for so damn long, and as they slip their cold fingers around my heart, it’s almost like welcoming an old friend. They may be the only friends I have left after I’m done here.

The little white house on fourth street looks the same as I remember. A corner lot with a perfect view of the channel across the street, there’s a wrap-around porch at the front and a small flower garden adorning the well-manicured lawn of the one-story home. The roses, a deep scarlet, have already bloomed, the petals starting to fall, leaving a pool of red beneath them.

A black Ford pick-up truck is in the driveway, and a kid’s bike, with pink and white tassels on the walkway.

I park my bike on the road and take a deep breath.

Time for candor to wreak havoc.

As I start up towards the house, the front door swings open and a child rushes out, blonde pigtails bouncing with her step. She’s carrying one of those blow up floaties, an alligator, I think, and it’s almost twice the size of her.

“Hurry up, Daddy,” she yells over her shoulder, nearly tripping on the bike as she tries to juggle the alligator with a pail and shovel set she’s picked up.

“I’m coming,” Kade says from somewhere inside.

The kid stops when she sees me coming up the driveway towards her, blue eyes rounding. I expect her to run back into the house, like she probably should, but she just purses her lips, and gives me a look that reminds me too much of Quinn.

“Who are you?” She says, eyeing me suspiciously.

She’s the spitting image of Ana. Not the woman I saw two months ago, dark circles under her once pretty blue eyes, so thin I wasn’t sure she’d had anything in her system but heroin. This kid reminds me of the girl I once knew, before the drugs destroyed her. Before I destroyed her.

How many lives can I fuck up?

I drag my fingers through my hair and stare down at the little girl, heart clenching so hard I have to rub my palm over my chest to ease the pain. “I’m—”

“Zee?” Kade stands on the porch, carrying a pink backpack with some cartoon character on it, and a large blue cooler.

“You’re Zee?” The girl scrunches her nose up at me. “Aunt Q doesn’t like you very much.”

“She doesn’t?” I raise an eyebrow at her.

“Nope. She says you’re an ass—”

“Lola,” Kade says sternly, walking down the steps towards us. “Go inside and get your lifejacket.”

“But we’re going to be late.”

“Go. And take the alligator back, that’s for the pool, not the lake.”

“Fine.” She sighs with an exasperated breath, then runs back into the house as quickly as she can while carrying the blow-up reptile.

Kade stares at me, dark brown eyes unreadable, then takes a step forward. I flinch when he comes at me. But instead of hitting me, like I expect — and deserve — he wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me into a hug. “God, it’s good to see you.”

It takes me a second to let my guard down and accept what he’s giving me — acceptance, forgiveness. Shouldn’t take it. Not when he doesn’t know the truth of why I’m here.

“You too,” I admit. It’s so damn good to see the man.

He releases me and takes a step back, then leans against the truck. “How long are you in town for?”

That’s the key question. One everyone keeps asking.

“Haven’t decided yet.”

“You have a place to stay?” he asks.

“Liam offered me his couch.”

“I wish I had a spare room for you, but I don’t. And Quinn just moved into the apartment above Savages and Saints.”

“Yeah,” I wince. “I know.”

His brows raise. “You saw her? Shit, that must have been one hell of a showdown. She never forgave you for leaving.”

“I got that much.” I touch my eye, the one that was an ugly shade of green and purple this morning.

“Tell me she didn’t give you that shiner.” He groans when I nod.

“It was my fault. Didn’t think anyone was staying in the apartment...I...uh...startled her.”

Kade chuckles. “She always did have a good right hook.”

I doubt he’d be laughing if he knew she’d hit me with her vibrator, while I tackled her half-naked body under mine. Or the way my cock won’t stop straining against my jeans when I remember her beneath me, the way her hips moved against mine.

Shit, it’s been too damn long since I’ve been with a chick. That’s the problem.

“I’m ready.” Lola comes out of the house wearing a bright orange life jacket half done up, and a pair of sunglasses that look similar to mine.

I tilt my own glasses down, and peer at her over the rim. “Nice shades.”

She mirrors my gesture and grins. “Are you coming with us?”

“No. I—”

“You should,” Kade says, tossing the cooler and backpack into the back of the truck. “We’re taking Damon’s boat to Gull’s Island.”

“You’re taking the kid?” I raise an eyebrow, remembering the days and nights we spent anchored around the island, along with sometimes upward of a hundred other boats from other lakeside towns.

We went there for two things, drinking and the half-naked women.

“It’s family friendly now.” He grins, then winks. “At least on Mondays. Come on, the guys will want to see you.”

I doubt that. The other Savage brothers were never as forgiving of my antics as Kade.

“What else do you have to do?”

Nothing, but turn your whole world upside down, and maybe mine.

I look down at the kid who’s tugging on Kade’s arm impatiently and try to see a glimpse of him in her. I don’t, and the revelation turns my stomach. She’s a cute kid. But all I see is Ana’s face staring back at me.

“What do you say? You can borrow a pair of swim shorts if you don’t have any.”

“Sure.”

Kade smiles and smacks me on the shoulder. “Good. I’m really glad to have you back, man.”

I know with a hundred percent certainty he won’t be saying that when I finally tell him why I’ve returned.