Zee

I’m pretty sure there’s a special place in hell for people like me. And it’s going to be all the worse when I go there, because I finally experienced a taste of heaven.

I shouldn’t have let her taunts get to me the way they did. I’d resolved not to touch her again, to put up barriers between us. But she’s like a goddamn drug.

And I’m already an addict.

I’ve already stayed here longer than I intended, and despite the small tug in my chest that’s enjoyed being back, I know this utopia is a fraud.

Relationships built on lies and deceit.

My motivations are so damn corrupted, I’m not even sure I believe my own truths anymore. Every good thing I’ve tried to do here is only a numbing agent for when I make the first incision in the Savages perfect world.

I pull at my hair, hating myself. Hating what I’ve done. Hating what I have to do. Wondering if there is any way around the havoc I came here to commit.

From where I’m standing in the parking lot of Savages and Saints, I can see Kade and Lola down by the docks. They’re tossing bread at the geese and ducks. Lola jumps up and down, laughing. Kade grins down at her like his world revolves around her.

Even at his worst, Kade was always the best of all of us. I’m not surprised that he’s fallen into the role of dad with such ease.

A pressure builds in my chest, because I know I could never be that man. Even if I wanted to be.

I lean on my bike as I pull out my cell, and stare at the voice message alert. I’ve been putting off listening to it all day. I know the number. The Michigan area code is from the Red Oak Clinic just outside of Chicago.

Gritting my teeth, I press the button and put the phone to my ear.

“...we’re calling to let you know that Ms. Paterson has checkout herself out. You asked us to inform you...”

I end the call, and curse loudly, “Goddamnit Ana.”

The crow that had been scavenging in the nearby dumpster, squawks and flies off.

I scroll through my contacts and find the last number I had for her, before I checked her into that damn rehab center three weeks ago.

It rings five times before it goes to her messages.

I take a deep breath and try to remain calm. “Ana, it’s Zee. I just got a message from Red Oaks that you checked yourself out of the clinic. Need you to call me. Our deal was six weeks, not three.”

I end the call, and squeeze my fist around the phone, ready to toss it at the wall.

The first time I saw Ana Paterson after leaving Port Clover, I’d barely recognized her. I’d still been fucked up then, slowly drowning myself with any poison I could get my hands on. I’m not even sure where we were, Columbus or Philadelphia, when she’d come back stage after one of AutoCorrect’s shows.

“Zee St. James.” She’d whispered in my ear as she straddled my lap, taking the joint from my lips, then taking a long drag. “Did you miss me?”

Face gaunt, eyes sunken in and lacking any spark that had once been there, I’d almost dismissed her. But I’d known the voice. The same voice that had sentenced me to a prison of my own making years before.

“Ana,” I’d growled out, pushing her off my lap, then standing abruptly. “How did you find me?”

Heads had turned at my outburst, and instead of making a scene, one that would no doubt be recorded and posted on YouTube, I’d dragged her from the room.

“You don’t seem happy to see me,” she’d pouted, pressing up against me.

In the fluorescent light, I could see the way her mascara was smudged under her eyes, her once golden blonde hair bleached and fried, the way her clothes hung off her bony frame.

“Is Kade here?” Even now, I don’t know why that had been my first concern. But it had.

“No. We’re...not together anymore.”

I’d glared at her. “He finally saw through your lies and bullshit?”

She rolled her eyes. “I got bored.”

“With your husband?”

“With my life and that pathetic excuse of a town.” Her fingers snaked up my chest. “It wasn’t the same without you there.”

“No one to play your games with,” I growled out.

“You always liked my games.” Her hand cupped my balls, squeezing.

I gripped her wrist and yanked her hand away. “What did you tell him?”

“About us?” She’d smiled. “Nothing. I kept my promise.” She leaned towards me again and whispered, “Even kept your secret about Quinn.”

My breath had stuck in my throat.

“Nothing happened between me and her.”

She laughed, a metallic sound that hurt my ears. “You always were a shitty liar.”

“What do you want?”

“Why do you think I want anything. Maybe I just want to hang out with an old friend.”

“We were never friends.”

“Just fuck-buddies.” Her smile is vicious. “I always wondered what Kade would have done if he’d known you’d had me first. That you continued to have me even after.”

One time since she’d known Kade.

I don’t say it. Know there’s no fucking excuse for what I did. It was one time too many.

And it didn’t matter how wrecked I’d been, or that I’d barely known who I was screwing until it was too late. I’d done the inexcusable, the unforgivable. I’d fucked my best friend's girl.

Making it worse, he’d come to me the next day with a goddamn engagement ring, spouting off all kinds of fantasies about white-picket-fences and kids, and other bullshit.

Ana watched me, desperation in her eyes. A desperation I knew all too well. She was an addict. Just like me.

And fuck if I’m not responsible for that too. I’d met her the summer I’d turned fifteen. She’d wanted sex, drugs, booze — any high she could find. And I’d happily provided all three, not worrying about the consequences to myself or to her. Hadn’t known what had happened to her after that summer. Honestly, I hadn’t cared. Not until she’d shown up in Port Clover years later hanging off of Kade’s arm.

“I never wanted you to leave,” she said, fingers tangling in my shirt, when she’d assaulted me after the concert, looking nothing like the girl I’d once known.

“That was the problem, wasn’t it,” I sneered. “You wanted us both.”

“We could have had fun.”

“Kade loved you.”

“He loved you too. Guess we’re both big disappointments.”

I’d started to walk away from her, and she’d stopped me, grabbing my arm.

“I won’t tell him.” She licked her lips. “Won’t tell anyone.”

“Anyone?” I heard the threat.

“Who you are. What you’ve done. You’ve made a name for yourself. I bet people would love to know who the real ZZ James is.”

“You’re blackmailing me?”

“You have money now.” Her bony shoulders lifted and fell. “Would it hurt to help out an old friend?”

My lips twisted back over my teeth. “How much?”

She smiled. “A few thousand.”

That was the first time I’d given into her demands. Every few months after that I’d gotten a call or a text, wanting a bit more, until her demands became outrageous. After every check I’d dumped into her account, I’d spiraled further and further down into the darkness of guilt and despair, until one night it almost killed me.

My blood alcohol level had been toxic and mixed with the illegal and prescription drugs I’d been popping, I was lucky my heart hadn’t stopped. Took me two days hooked up to an IV to come down from the high. And when I did, it was one hell of a fall.

But I’d made a vow never to touch the shit again.

The last time I’d seen Ana, I’d given her an ultimatum. Rehab or no more money.

In return, she’d given me a noose to hang myself with.

“There’s a kid.” She’d been shaking, strung out on whatever she’d been using.

“What are you talking about?”

“A little girl. Lola.”

“You had a kid?”

She’d laughed then. It was a cruel sound, but it was also full of pain. “They took her away from me.”

“Who?” I shouldn’t have asked questions. Should have just kept my mouth shut. Should have dumped her in the damn rehab center and left without turning back.

“She doesn’t even look like him.”

My stomach twisted.

“They didn’t even ask if she was his. Just took her away. Gave her to my husband.” Her lips turn up at the word.

Kade had the kid. His kid. But even as I’d thought it, a premonition pounded on the back of my skull in warning.

“How old is she?” Don’t fucking ask questions, my brain warned.

Too late.

Ana looked at me then. “Five.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

“Is she...” I roughed a palm over my face, hard. “Christ, is she mine?”

Ana shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.” The casualness in which she said it had my blood turning to ice.

She’d wanted more money. I’d known that. I was used to the games she’d played. But there was always a small truth to all her lies. That’s what made them so damn convincing.

I’d left her in that rehab center, knowing I wouldn’t be able to walk away from the atomic bomb she’d tossed in my lap.

Even now, I know all it would take was a couple hundred thousand dollars to make this whole mess disappear, but paying off my demons won’t get me the truth. And that was the main reason I came back here – for the truth.

But the truth comes at a cost. And not just to me.