Evan

 

Becca avoided me all week at school. In the one class we shared, she kept her eyes up front, acting as if I wasn’t there. And if she saw me heading toward her in the hallway, she doubled back and went in the other direction.

It hurt. 

It hurt so fucking bad I wanted to punch something just to feel a different kind of pain.

After Saturday, watching her with Eli, part of me hoped she was thawing. But then Mom went and ruined everything. Becca hadn’t deserved her venom, but Mom—despite her shortcomings—was a proud woman and territorial to a fault. Maybe it was a mistake to bring Becca over to watch Eli, but I refused to run to Elaina and Darryl every time we needed someone. They would lap up having me even more in their grasp than I already was.

Peters was right, though; Becca needed more time. But the longer we were apart, the more worried I was that we would never find our way back to one another.

“Watch it, Porter.” Trevor shoulder checked me out of the way, throwing me a sneer as he made his way across the hallway to Kendall. When he reached her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck. She shrieked, her eyes slamming to mine over his shoulder in an ugly smirk. He claimed her in a sloppy kiss, for everyone to see, their friends laughing and joking with them. To them, they were the perfect couple. Both bad to the core and made for each other. I should have walked away; I should have left them to it and not looked back. But the past few weeks were wearing thin, and I found myself unable to tear my hardened glare off them, anger radiating through my bones.

Kendall must have felt me watching. She reeled Trevor back into her, pressing them against the locker, and her eyes never left mine as he continued to feel her up in front of everyone. Jesus, this was fucked up. What did she hope? That their little show would make me jealous? He was welcome to her; I wanted nothing from her—I never had. You couldn’t choose your family, but you could choose the people you let into your life, and Kendall would never be one of them. She wasn’t wired right. Just like the rest of her family. 

My cell phone vibrated, and I finally snapped out of the red haze. 

“Hello?” 

“Hello, is that Evan? Evan Porter? This is Eli’s pre-K teacher.”

My heart sank into my stomach. “Yeah?”

“We’ve been trying to get a hold of your mother, but she isn’t answering.”

“She’s at work,” I lied. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine. Eli doesn’t feel well, and we were hoping you could come pick him up.”

“I’ll be right there.”

She thanked me and hung up. I didn’t even bother signing out. I just walked out of school, got into my car, and drove off. Because that was who I was. Because this was my future.

And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it

~

“I don’t feel so good.” Eli groaned, clutching his tummy as I hauled him out of his seat and into my arms.

“Come on, E. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Will you stay with me? I don’t wanna be sick.”

“How about we get your pillow and make you a bed on the couch?” He nodded against my shoulder, pained groans coming from him. “It’s okay, buddy. I’ve got you.” I managed to get the door open without putting him down and went straight to the living room. The house was quiet with no signs of Mom.

“Here.” I laid him down gently, tucking a cushion behind his head. “I’ll get you pajamas and your pillow, okay?”

“Thanks, Evan. I wuv you.”

I managed a strangled reply as I left him and went to get his things. Inside his room, I pushed his door and retrieved my cell phone from my pocket.

“Evan?”

“Where the hell are you?”

I could hear commotion in the background, voices and laughter. Mom sighed down the line like my call was a huge inconvenience. “I’m out with your aunt.”

“Didn’t you hear your phone? Eli’s pre-K called you.”

“They did? Oh.”

Oh? My blood boiled, and I dragged a hand over my head. “Eli is sick; I had to pick him up.”

“That’s good. Thanks, baby.”

Thanks? Was she for real? “Are you fucking kidding me?” I ground out. “I had to leave school, Mom. You’re not at the store; you’re supposed to be the one doing this shit.”

“Evan, I—”

I didn’t wait around to hear her bullshit excuse. “Just come home. He needs you.” He needs his mom. Hanging up, I collected the pillow and Eli’s Paw Patrol pajamas and headed back to him.

The poor little guy had fallen asleep hugging his favorite stuffed toy. I grabbed a blanket off the chair and covered him up. When I’d arrived at pre-K to pick him up, he didn’t bat an eye at me standing there instead of Mom. How fucked up was that? That this innocent little boy already knew not to rely on his mom. I loved the little shit more than I loved anything else in the world, but I knew that my love would never replace the love of his mom. Yet she couldn’t be who he needed her to be. And unless things drastically changed, I couldn’t see things being any different anytime soon. The idea ate through me like acid.

Eli would grow up knowing that one parent didn’t love him enough to stay and another didn’t love him enough to care. It was so unfair. Things weren’t supposed to be like this. It was my senior year. I was supposed to be focusing on college, on my future. Instead, I was juggling raising my younger brother and keeping the girl I’d fallen for out of trouble, all while appeasing my fucked-up family. I was exhausted. Besides Mellie, I had no one to turn to. Nobody was waiting on the sidelines, ready to step in and pick up the pieces when shit got too much. Dad had walked out three years ago and never looked back, and Mom … well, she spent half the time checked out of reality. Which left me.

I sank in the chair, watching Eli in his peaceful slumber, the steady rise and fall of his chest as he murmured nothings to his bear. Maybe if he didn’t exist, things would be different. Nothing would tie to me this place. Nothing except Becca. I didn’t know how long I sat there, watching, but the door opening and the sound of voices roused me from my thoughts.

“Evan? It’s me.” Mom sounded so casual as if she hadn’t dropped the ball again.

“In here,” I said flatly.

Her and Elaina shuffled into the room, their arms laden with bags. “We were out shopping.”

“Hey, sweetie, come over here and help us?” Elaina threw me a sickly sweet smile, and I wanted to run—to get as far away from this nightmare as possible—but Eli stirred, reminding me that I couldn’t. I could never run.

This was my life.

With a heavy sigh, I went to them and helped gather the bags into a pile on the table. When I glanced back at Mom, she was standing over Eli, stroking his forehead.

“Don’t wake him,” I growled, and Elaina gasped beside me.

“Evan, I don’t think that’s any way to talk to your mother. It was my fault.” A hand landed on my arm. “We had so much fun shopping, good old girls fun, and I guess we got carried away.”

I hated the way she covered for Mom. Time and time again, they did it. The party went on longer than we anticipated. Darryl wanted to celebrate. We all got so drunk we didn’t remember to call and check in. I’d heard all the excuses in the book, but none of them changed the fact that Mom switched her parenting responsibilities on and off when it suited her.

“Evan.” Mom joined us, wearing an expression mixed with annoyance and regret. “I’m sorry; it was a mistake. The mall was loud, and we were in the store. I would have called them right back. You know that.”

I really didn’t.

“He’s home,” I said. “That’s all that matters.”

“Well, Ellen, I really should be getting back to Darryl. You know how he gets if I’m gone for too long, but let me know about the weekend, okay?”

They air kissed, and I wanted to hurl. It was so fake and conceited.

“Evan.” Elaina turned to me, waiting, but I didn’t move. Instead, I grunted out a curt bye. She gave me an eye roll and headed out. When the front door slammed shut, Mom said, “It wouldn’t hurt you to be nice to her. She’s your aunt.”

I wanted to say so many things, but I learned a long time ago that nothing I said made a difference. So I swallowed down the words and bottled them away along with all the other shit I carried around with me.

“I’ll be in my room. Tell Eli he can come hang out when he wakes if he wants.”

“Evan, please—” But I was already walking away.

~

Eli didn’t come hang out. Eventually, Mom woke him after making his favorite soup, but he couldn’t stomach any, so she put him to bed. I waited until they were both asleep before slipping out. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to get out of the house. It was suffocating.

It wasn’t until the old Ferris Wheel loomed overhead that I realized I’d driven out to Rogues. I parked and gripped the wheel, deciding whether to get out or turn around and go home. It wasn’t the same coming out here now that Becca wasn’t around. Nothing was the same without her. Part of me considered going to see if Scarlett and the others were here because they usually were. But I hadn’t hung out with people since back in eighth grade, and even then, I was always on the periphery looking in. When Dad left and Mom turned to the bottle, something shifted in me. High school drama, dating, drinking, and getting high with friends all paled against the responsibility I shouldered. It was one of the reasons I didn’t step in to help Ami. I’d known that Kendall was making her life hell—everyone did. Ami even came to me once, asking for help. She’d made it known that she had a crush on me, but I wasn’t interested. Malachi liked her, and I wouldn’t do that to him. But I was the only one with the power to do anything, yet I knew that if I revealed Kendall’s big secret, not only would it tear her family apart, but the fallout would also affect mine. I was young and selfish, and I turned a blind eye, and a girl’s life was ruined in the process.

I slammed my fist down hard against the leather, pain shooting up my wrist and into my arm. But I welcomed it. Pain meant feeling, and feeling meant I wasn’t numb. Not yet. Being numb meant you were done fighting, and I wasn’t done. Becca had made me feel, and now that I’d experienced it, I didn’t want to give it up.

Ever.