Dread compressed my chest.
Edie.
In my entryway in the middle of the night.
In the middle of a raging storm.
So damned broken.
Haunted.
Lost.
My throat constricted.
In the middle of it all, she came for me.
“Edie.” Her name came from my mouth like tortured praise.
The girl was drenched. Sweatshirt soaked. Clumps of white locks stuck to that unforgettable face.
I was quick to widen the door, and my voice cracked with the crushing worry. “Edie¸ baby, what are you doing out there? You’re soaked. Come in out of the rain.”
She shivered but didn’t move, her shoulders slumped and heaving. “I…I…I’m so sorry. I just…I can’t…I can’t do this by myself. I don’t want to do it by myself.”
The onslaught of devotion and relief nearly dropped me to my knees, and I was reaching for my girl, pulling her inside and into my arms. “Edie.”
My nose was in her hair, drawing in one of those full breaths I could only get when she was near.
Everything tightened to pinpoints.
Empathy and hurt and regret.
“Shh…” I murmured. I placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “Shh…don’t apologize. Promised you I’d always be here. This is where you belong.”
A tight sob erupted from her throat. She pressed her mouth to my neck. As if she were doing everything to bury the sound.
To hide whatever it was that’d sent her running here.
Grief clenched every cell in my body, and the words were tumbling free as I swept her off her feet and into my arms. “Fuck, Edie. Baby. Don’t cry. Kills me to see you cry.”
A gasp of her own relief jetted from her mouth, and she wrapped those long, slender arms around my neck, her face still buried in my skin, my mouth still in her hair, whispering reassurances.
“It’ll be okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you.
The girl was completely surrendered to my hold.
Her body and her spirit and the torment that wouldn’t let her go.
In that moment, everything about this fragile fortress felt so frail.
Vulnerable.
In need.
Needing me.
I refused to let her down.
Not ever again.
I carried her down the hall to my bedroom. Only the dim light leaking in from the attached bathroom gave sight to the room.
She made a whimpering sound as I laid her sideways in the middle of my bed. Tears continued to course down her sweet, innocent face.
Maybe it was because I didn’t want to lose touch.
That I wanted to hang on.
I knew she was safe, right there in my bed. Still, I palmed the side of her waist with one hand while I set aside the notebook I’d been jotting lyrics on, propped my guitar on the floor against the wall.
I turned back to her, my body bent so I was hovering over her.
So damned close.
“I’m wet,” she mumbled. Shame came bleeding through.
“I know,” I told her. I leaned back a fraction, pulled her soaked shoes from her feet.
“What are you doing?” A frantic edge made its way into her voice.
“Taking care of you.”
Trembles rolled through her tight little body.
So goddamned tempting.
She squeezed her eyes shut as if she were steeling herself, allowing herself to be brave enough for this moment.
For the moment when she gave me back a little more of her trust.
When she let me watch over her.
Care for her.
The way I used to.
The way I was always supposed to do.
My pure, courageous girl.
I shed her of her socks.
“Don’t move,” I warned.
I hurried into the attached bathroom and grabbed a big, plush towel. On the way out, I stopped at my dresser for an over-sized tee.
When I returned, she was laying there.
In the middle of my bed.
Chest heaving and eyes so wild.
My pulse spiked, blood speeding through my veins, this thrumming need barreling free.
I set a single knee on the bed. “Come here,” I whispered.
Tension built in the quiet confines of my room.
Intense and deep and severe.
I took her hand to help her sit up right in the middle.
Did my best not to shudder at the contact.
Fire and ice.
Blinding.
Fuck.
A small, uncertain moan parted her full lips, and I knew there was no chance this girl didn’t feel it too.
I climbed the rest of the way onto the bed.
On my knees looking down at my light.
I watched her closely as I wrapped the towel around her shoulders, those blue eyes just as cautiously watching me.
“It’s okay,” I murmured, “I’ve got you.” I gathered the exposed edges, using them to draw her just a little closer. I brushed the fabric tenderly across her face. Dabbing at that striking jaw and making a smooth pass over those full, trembling lips.
They parted when I did, and a panted breath seeped out to penetrate our atmosphere.
God.
My dick pulsed.
Clenching my teeth, I pushed down the surging need.
I could handle this.
This was Edie we were talking about.
I rose a fraction, getting higher, massaged the towel through her hair. Her head tilted back when I did, teeth biting down on her lip as she expelled an uncertain whimper, this girl looking up at me as if she’d found her meaning.
That’s what I wanted.
To be her meaning.
Tossing the towel to the floor, I gathered the hem of her sweatshirt in my hands, hesitated, making sure she got it.
That I wasn’t ever going to hurt her.
Not ever again.
The words were thick. “I’ve got you, okay?”
Blinking, she stared, before she tentatively lifted her arms with a slight nod.
Had to hold my damned breath as I slowly pulled the material up, revealing her inch by inch. A fierce lash of that energy blistered around the room as I tugged it over her head.
A torrent of white locks fell all around her, kissing her slender shoulders and dripping down over her sheer, white lace bra.
Something like an earthquake rocked my body.
So fucking gorgeous.
Angel through and through.
Was it wrong to say it?
Wrong for her to know the way I saw her?
Slowly, I worked my big tee over her head, my voice nothing more than a growl. “Stunning, Edie. Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Thought so the first time I saw her.
Now I was sure.
At my words, a sharp intake of air wheezed into her lungs.
Carefully, I adjusted the shirt, covering her.
“Lay back,” I said, voice raw.
Her aqua gaze shimmered with outright fear and timid trust as she did what I asked. Her chest jutted up and down as I pushed my hands under the shirt.
She trembled and shook.
I freed the button on her jeans, loosed her zipper.
Whole time, my heart was going so damned wild.
And I felt hers too.
Beating loud. A thundered chaos in the silence of my darkened room.
I tugged her damp jeans down, revealing miles of slender, toned legs. An endless expanse of soft, alabaster skin.
I gritted my damned teeth, averted my gaze.
Dying to touch.
To taste.
Explore.
Claim her in ways I knew I shouldn’t.
Couldn’t.
Her tears had subsided.
They’d been replaced by a suffocating intensity.
It climbed the walls and pressed down from the ceiling.
Anxious want. Unchecked need.
Her jeans joined the pile on the ground. I slid off the bed and dragged the covers down. I stopped where they were pinned by her body. “Get in.”
Edie got to her hands and knees and crawled up, not even questioning what I was asking.
I gulped around the magnitude.
Trust.
That’s what she was giving me.
I climbed in next to her.
She searched my face. “You’re getting in wearing your clothes?”
I almost laughed.
Almost.
“Think it’s best if I leave my clothes on right now, yeah?”
A self-conscious rush of redness flushed her cheeks.
“Oh right…yeah,” she rambled as if she didn’t have the first clue what she did to me, casting her gaze aside.
Shy. Sweet. Enchanting.
“Goddamn it, Edie.” I pulled the covers over us and guided her head to my chest.
Just like I used to do.
My arm wrapped around her shoulders and I hugged her close, leaning up so I could scatter a bunch of kisses to her temple. I released a rumble of words at the delicate skin that drummed with the erratic beat of her pulse, “You think you don’t still affect me the same? That I don’t look at you and just about come undone? I get your boundaries, Edie. Respect them. But you gotta know I’ve never wanted anything…anyone…the way I want you.”
Hoped my saying it wouldn’t scare her away.
She curled her tiny fist in my shirt and held on for dear life. Like I might have the strength to support her. Protect her.
Silence swelled around us, and all those ugly, vacant spaces inside ached and moaned with the need to be filled.
Because this girl touched me in a way no one ever could.
“What happened?” I finally asked, softer. Just because I was thanking all those stars I’d wished upon that she’d come running to me didn’t negate her pain. Her breath caught at the question.
“Paul texted me.”
Rage.
It was instant.
Darkness threatened to be my own demise. The desire to destroy.
Eliminate.
I squeezed her. Probably too tight. Just as tight as the words I gritted out. “What?” Sickening fear was in an outright war with the hot hatred burning inside of me. “That bastard…he’s supposed to be rotting in prison.”
Edie pulled back, those aqua eyes a toil of torment and confusion. “Prison?”
Motherfuck.
She didn’t even know that.
I forced the words around the bile. “He’s been in prison for a few years.”
Four years.
Her hand tightened in my shirt. “For what?”
“He got picked up for the usual shit that takes down guys like us.”
That fucking wannabe rocker, always trying to be a part of the scene. My brother had more talent in the tip of his pinky finger than the entire being of that asshole. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t always there. Lurking. Thinking he was going to take a bite of the fame.
Of course he and Ash were pals, though I wouldn’t exactly call them friends. Wondered just what Ash would call the prick if he knew.
Her voice trembled as she blinked, trying to make sense of what she didn’t know. “Drugs?”
“Yeah.”
Guilt gripped me by the throat. Omission was nothing less than a lie.
But what was I supposed to do?
Because telling her sure as hell wouldn’t win me any points. It wouldn’t help her. Would only harm her. And I couldn’t protect her if she pushed me away.
My stomach soured, but I forced it down. “What’d he say?”
Bewildered, her brow pinched, and she chewed at her lip. “That he knows what I did. Asked me if I thought he wouldn’t find out.” Everything began to leave her on a desperate rush. “I don’t know what he was talking about. How he found me.”
Her face was suddenly back in my neck, the words mumbled at my skin. “But I’m terrified that he does.”
Knows what she did?
That thought spun around me before it sunk in like toxic waste.
He thought it was her.
Shit.
He thought Edie was responsible.
How did I always manage to fuck everything up?
Every good intention gone bad.
I wouldn’t let it.
Not again.
My mouth was at her ear, my own desperation falling from my lips while I made a million silent promises.
I won’t let him hurt you.
I’ll protect you.
Keep you safe.
“What did you tell him, baby?”
Her head shook against my chest. “Nothing. I didn’t reply.” I wanted to scream. Tear out my hair.
Instead I let the bitterness free. “I’ll kill him, Edie. I’ll kill him before I ever let him touch you again.”
I felt her shake under my promise. I was quick to corral the fury. She was here for me to support her, not watch me come unglued.
Same as I’d done that night.
“I just want it to be over. For him to leave me alone. I don’t understand what he wants from me.”
All the bullshit that marked our lives seemed piled around us. Promising to snuff out life and light.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you, Edie. I won’t.”
She turned her head, her mouth pressed to my side. “I believe you.”
Silence stretched between us. Baited and bottled with all the questions left unanswered.
“Do your dreams still come?” she finally whispered.
Opening up.
Taking us back to where it all began.
I ran my hand over the top of her head, cupping her neck.
How was it possible that after that asshole contacted her tonight, she was turning her concern back to me?
“Think they’ll always haunt me,” I admitted. “Do yours?”
I already knew the answer. But I wanted to climb into the center of that fragile heart. The strength holding it together.
Fingertips tapped across my chest like a tentative tune.
“Almost every night. I wake up and feel so alone. Empty.”
I edged back so I could read her face. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, fighting the moisture glistening in her eyes. I brushed my thumb along her jaw, encouraging her to continue.
Her admission quieted like a secret. “I wake up floundering. Lost. Feeling so desperate to fill the void. To cover the ache. And absolutely terrified to take the chance ever again.”
She swallowed around the tight emotion. “They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I want to agree, Austin. I want to believe. I’m just not sure I know how.”
Old insecurities wound me up like an antique clock. “Do you…”
God. Seemed I’d lost the capacity to even speak. To go back to that time. Seventeen. Stupid and naïve. Still knowing with all of me I’d finally found what I’d been missing. The question was raw. “Do you still have it?”
A sad smile graced her sweet mouth, and she gave me the softest nod.
I swallowed hard. “Did you think of me?”
Her reply was so quiet, so timid, I felt it rather than heard it. “Always. How could I ever forget you?”
Affection pushed at my ribs, and I held her a little closer as I offered my own confession. “Won’t ever forget the day Ash brought you to the house…saying you were going to be staying with us for the summer while Sunder was on break from touring.”
Sunder had just made it big, and my brother and the boys had gone and bought a mansion in Hollywood Hills, moving us from that shithole house into a luxury none of us had been accustomed to.
My fingertips played through strands of her hair as I mused. “I remembered seeing you as a kid…but you’d been gone for so long. And there you were, the most gorgeous girl I’d ever seen. Looking so shy and unsure.”
Wistful laughter rumbled in my chest. “And me? I could barely look your way, I was so lost. But then that night, I heard you crying. I was terrified, really. Looking around my dark room and wondering what the fuck to do. Had no idea how to deal with whatever you were going through. But still, I knew I was supposed to be there. That you needed me.”
I blinked into the shadowy darkness of my room, the girl’s heart beating with mine. For a few moments calmed in this never-ending frenzy. “Crazy…I grabbed that catcher, not really thinking it through. But it was like instinct. The first thing that popped into my head.”
Edie caressed those soft fingers up the hollow of my throat. Making me tremble. Soothing and provoking.
I squeezed her tighter. “My grandma gave that to me, Edie. When I was eight. Couple of months after we lost Julian.”
Lost.
What bullshit.
Grief balled at the center of my chest. “Other than Baz, she was the only one who’d recognized I was dyin’ inside.”
Exactly like I’d deserved.
“She’d stayed with us for a while, and the day before she had to go home, she’d come to me in the middle of the night. She’d heard me crying. She’d pressed it into my palm, whispering it like it was the greatest secret, telling me to always keep it close. She told me it was peace and safety.”
My lips pressed into her hair, praying she’d understand. “And that’s what I wanted it to be for you.”
Of course, the truth was, that’s what I’d wanted to be for her.
Peace and safety.
Not her demise.
Her tongue darted out to lick her dry lips, gaze darting down to where she fiddled with the collar of my tee, as if she needed a distraction. “That’s the way it’s always made me feel, Austin. Every time I hold it. When I’m missing and hurting and alone. I hold it and I think of you. The comfort you gave me. The hope.”
Fuck. I had the impulse to weep.
I was the one responsible for ripping it away.
For taking that good thing and crushing it in my hands.
“I should have been there all along, Edie. Making you feel safe. But I never forgot. Never stopped missing what we had.”
“I missed you so much.” She muffled a sob in my shirt.
I hugged her closer, making promises I really hoped I had the strength to keep. “It’s going to be okay. I promise you, it’s going to be okay.”
“How?” she whispered.
“Together. We’ll be okay if we do it together.”
“When I got here…were you still awake?”
I hiked a shoulder. “Couldn’t sleep.”
She ran her fingers across my chest. Tenderly. “Why?”
A quiet chuckle left me. Humorless. “Because I felt a lot of stuff tonight, Edie. Being with you. Thinking about my brother. I…” I hesitated, hating this part of myself, the part I didn’t know if I could ever snub out.
The worthless.
The fucked up.
The one who destroyed every damned good thing he was given.
“I…was having urges.”
Edie stilled, then set her palm right in the middle of my chest. Filling me up with that unending belief.
You are good. You are good. I feel it here.
That’s what she used to tell me on those nights years ago when I thought I’d succumb to the darkness, the girl breathing her light into my black soul, her hand always so steady where it was pressed over my erratic heart.
That spot would always belong to her.
I drew in a shaky breath. “I didn’t give in, Edie. Can’t. Won’t. But I figured picking out a song on my guitar was a better way to exert that energy than anything else.”
A tiny smile that was almost awed pulled at one side of her mouth. “I always wondered if you’d start to perform.” She set back to tracing her fingers across my chest. Lighting me up. The way she did.
“God, I was so shocked when I first saw you on the stage at The Lighthouse. But I can’t say I was surprised. It just seemed…right.”
“It’s weird…playing. The kind of songs I write and where I do it. Used to have this crazy fantasy that one day I’d be up on a stage at my brother’s side. Playing with him.”
But that was nothing other than a fool’s game.
“Maybe that’s where you’re supposed to be. Do you think you’ll ever go back?”
“Back to L.A.? Maybe. Make things right with my brother for good. Let him know I’m okay so he can stop worrying about me once and for all. Otherwise? No. You know as well as I do I don’t belong there.”
That kind of world wasn’t for me. The money and the fame and the lifestyle. People looking at you like you were something when you knew with everything you had you were nothing.
Pretty sure the only thing I’d do was turn around and let Baz down all over again.
Wasn’t about to let that happen.
Not ever.
“But I can’t escape the music either. For so long I felt like an outsider in Sunder’s world. I fought the need to play for a longed damned time. But music…I guess it’s a part of my soul.”
“So you play in small, quiet places.” She said it as a statement. With understanding. With no judgement.
“Sometimes we settle, Edie.”
Sadness wove into her tone. “Yeah, sometimes we do.”
My confession seemed to mix a whole new brand of confusion into our mess.
“What about you, Edie? You ever going back?”
The shake of her head was vehement. “No. Never. L.A.’s the last place I want to be. Not with Paul there. Especially now.”
Remnants of her loss burned like a fiery storm in the middle of my darkened room.
She inched closer, her admission murmured dangerously low.
Ripe with shame.
Loaded with disgrace.
“I miss my brother. So much. Does…does he talk about me?”
Felt like a landslide of jagged rocks gathered at the base of my throat. I swallowed around the razor-sharp edges. “Told you I haven’t been home in a long, long time. And when I was there, a ton of shit was going down, so I wasn’t exactly a part of easy conversation. Think you leaving like that hurt him. Confused him. The few times you were mentioned, it was him wondering how you could just take off.”
Wasn’t going to lie to her.
Hadn’t heard him mention her name all that much. And it was always offhanded and quick to be dropped.
He was either the world’s most self-centered asshole, which I’m sure just about every chick he’d ever crossed paths with would attest to, or thinking about her just hurt him too damned bad.
My stake was on the last.
“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” she whispered in defeat.
I blinked hard. “If he knew, Edie…he’d understand. I promise he’d understand.”
But that was the biggest obstacle of all.
Edie didn’t want anyone to know.
She’d been shamed and convinced into thinking it was better that way.
So instead, she ran, because it was impossible to keep your past from being brought out into the open.
Her voice fluttered out like soft ribbons that spun me in warmth. “Thank you, Austin. You make everything better. You always have.”
Soft and true.
Blameless and pure.
This angel girl whose only crime had been giving into one night of bad.
I just didn’t know how to rid her of the shame.
Convince her she was nothing less than a victim.
She burrowed into me. Each breath I felt against my heart, and each innocent touch burned my skin in want.
God I wanted her.
But for now…
For now…
I’d simply hold her where she knew she’d be safe.
“Sleep, beautiful girl, sleep.”