“I’m off work. Why don’t I pick up take-out and I can bring it to your place? We can have a nice dinner. Just the two of us.”
A grateful sigh pushed from my lungs as I listened to the quiet promise of Edie’s offer, the sound of her small car accelerating the only sound in the background.
She knew how difficult today was.
Of course she did.
“I’d really like that.”
I could almost hear her smile. “Okay then. Give me about twenty minutes and I’ll be over.”
I hesitated. A bated hush hovered around us, filled with all the things silenced that shouted to be said. “Thank you,” I finally murmured.
Her voice softened in that adoring, supportive way. “This is what we do, Austin. We stand by each other. Understand each other.”
“Yeah,” was the only answer I could give before I clicked off the call. I pressed my hands flat to the countertop in the kitchen, dropping my head. I pulled in a deep breath, fighting to keep the panic at bay.
Fuck.
I hated today. Hated it just as hard as I tried to ignore its existence.
Deak walked in. Completely oblivious to my turmoil. He clapped me on the back. “How’s it goin’, mate? Clay just called. Gonna head out to meet him for a beer. You and Dam wanna join?”
I glanced at him. “Nah, man. Edie’s on her way. Bringing dinner.”
A frown pinched his brow when he saw my face. “You good? Lookin’ a little peaked.”
I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth. “Yeah. All’s good.”
Motherfucking lie.
Because every time I thought I was getting free, loosed from the chains, they just tightened their hold.
But what did I expect?
Every year it seemed to hit me harder than the last.
“All right, then. Give me a call if you change your mind.”
“Sure thing.”
The door slammed behind Deak, leaving me to the silence.
That and the shrill ring of my cell phone going off in my pocket.
I tensed.
It’s weird how sometimes you just know. It could have just as easily been the call of my girl. The sound of comfort.
But I knew.
I knew deep in my gut that exact same sound was the sound of death’s toll.
I dug it out of my pocket, held it in my hand.
Baz.
Shakily, I exhaled the air from my lungs, tempted to reject the call and send it to voice mail. But I was so damned tired of running from shit. I answered it and put it to my ear.
“Hey,” I said.
Uncertainty burned through the line. Finally, his voice came through, tight and choked. “Happy birthday, baby brother.”
My eyes slammed closed. Like it could block it out. “Baz…we don’t fucking do this day. You know that.”
“Think it’s time we did.”
“God…why do you keep doing this? Pushing and pushing. I asked you for space. For time.”
Without doubt, Baz was dealing with his own shit. Hurting. For once, maybe needing me. But this…this was too much. Too overwhelming. Too much to shoulder.
“I’m doing this because I fucking care about you, Austin. Because it’s time for you to really live. Time for you to come home. And not with your head slumped between your shoulders but with it held high.”
“Damn it, Baz. You’re asking too much of me.”
On top of it all, he had no clue about Edie. About the fact I had found life. And the last place she wanted to be was back in the middle of all that mess.
It felt like I was being ripped in a million different directions. My need to make up for all the shit I’d ever caused my brother. Knowing he was in trouble. Tied in his own way.
My penalty…my debt to Julian.
My devotion to Edie that would last forever.
All mixed up with embers of the fire I’d felt flicker around me every time I was backstage at a Sunder show. A slow burn that ached to be a part of what they were.
“And you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’re the one who’s selling yourself short.”
“I’ve got to go,” I told him, ending the call, because I couldn’t handle a second more. It was all too much. The weight bearing down.
Not today.
Not today.
Without even thinking about it, I snatched a bottle from the cupboard and headed to my room. I flew back out, down the hall, and out the back, one hand fisting the neck of the bottle of Jack, the other fisting the damned monkey.
My footsteps pounded as I took the worn path down to the deserted beach. Night crawled across the heavens, a smattering of stars strewn far and wide.
I sank down onto my back on the cool, damp sand, closer to the water than I’d ever dared to come. Still, not close enough to touch. Waves rolled and crashed, climbing up just two feet away, before they fell back into the ocean.
I stared up at the endless web of stars.
Wondered if he was up there or at the bottom of the sea.
I clutched the monkey to my chest, and that emptiness throbbed. “I’m so sorry, Julian.” It grated out from somewhere within my soul.
Without sitting up, I took a swig of Jack. The fluid came like a shock to my senses. It burned hot down my throat and hit my stomach like a punch. A stream of it dribbled out the side of my mouth.
I swiped the back of my hand across the wet trail.
Took another slug. Then another.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” I mumbled, rubbing my face as the alcohol took to my veins. The wind howled and that presence thrashed. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
My heart nearly went haywire when I felt the second presence wash over me. Comfort and ease. Her shadow fell across my face and her silhouette came into view.
I rocked my head back, taking her in where she stood over me.
My saving grace.
Sympathy edged her soft smile. “I thought I might find you out here.”
I sat up, took another drink. There was no disguising the disgust in my tone. “Predictable, huh?”
She sat down on the sand beside me and drew her knees to her chest. She looked over the toiling darkness, then over at me. “No, Austin. I think it’s completely natural. This is where you feel closest to him.”
I couldn’t stop the awe from pulling at my mouth. This girl. I reached out and touched the soft curve of her face. I didn’t know if it was Edie or the alcohol that toppled my reservations, but the words flooded free. “You know what scares me most, Edie?”
She just looked at me with her head angled. Waiting. Patient and pure.
“It scares me that when I’m with you …it doesn’t hurt so bad. That when you’re near, the emptiness doesn’t go so deep.”
She chewed at her bottom lip, hesitating. “And you think feeling that way is a dishonor to him?”
I gave her the slightest nod, my hand squeezing her cheek. “It kills me I get to feel this, and he never will. Kills me that I took that from him. That I stole from him whoever his wife was gonna be. Whoever his kids were going to be.”
She twitched in discomfort, reached for the bottle, tipped it up, and took a swig. Slowly, carefully she began to speak. “I wake up every morning and wish I could go back and change it. Erase that one mistake that started everything.”
She glanced at me. Her expression twisted through me like a knife. Bleak with the pain I’d give anything to obliterate. “But I know I have to thank God for the little things. The things that are so easily taken for granted. The goofy things that make me laugh. The flowers that bloom in the morning. The flashes of hope when I’m having an especially hard day.”
She sucked in a staggered breath. “And then I’m given something so wonderful I can’t make sense of it. I’m given you. And I know it inside…through all the depression and hopelessness…there are great things out there, just waiting for us in the despair.”
“Edie.” Her name flowed from my tongue, and my fingers wove deeper into those shiny white locks, all the way back until I was cupping the whole side of her head. I pulled her toward me. My mouth fell over hers.
Her lips so damned soft.
Tongue so damned sweet.
Light.
My head spun and my gut clenched tight, my thoughts foggy but my intentions clear. “I need you.”
“You have me,” she whimpered as I shifted, crawling over her and pushing her back onto the sand.
She ran her hands up and down my chest, and I sank down, pressing into hers, my heart catching onto the frantic boom, boom, boom of her pulse.
Or maybe it was mine.
Thunder.
I kissed her wild, this girl who got me the way no one else could.
The one who was made for me.
The light in the middle of the blackest storm.
Her phone dinged in her back pocket. Then did it again.
“Let me turn that off,” she mumbled, and I barely edged back to give her enough room to dig it free. She swiped across the screen.
I knew she wanted to hide it. The sheer panic that raced across her face. She tried to contain it, but it was clear.
She fumbled and quickly tried to switch off the phone.
I yanked it out of her hand. “Don’t hide this, Edie.”
I sat back on my knees, eyesight blurry as I struggled to focus on the words.
Fucking whore. Keep that kind of secret from me then turn around and fuck with my life?
You owe.
Rage.
It blistered through my senses like a flashfire. I crushed the phone in my hand.
Fear clouded those brilliant features, her words shaky with turmoil. “I don’t understand why he won’t just leave me alone. I just want him to leave me alone.”
I stumbled to my feet. My body swayed. I was hit with a rush of dizziness, my head fuzzy.
“Fuck.” I roughed a hand over my face. “I won’t let him do this, Edie. I won’t let him. I’m gonna fix this. I promise, I’m gonna fix this.”
Edie scrambled to standing. “It’s not yours to fix, Austin.”
I started back for the house. Blinking. Trying to clear my thoughts. Edie was right behind me.
When I got to the porch, I paced, ripped at my hair. “It’s my fault, Edie, it’s my fault.”
She just had no clue that it was. That I was the one who had to make it right. I had to end this.
“No, it’s not,” she promised in all that belief. “I’ll…I’ll call him. Talk to him. Tell him it’s over and just to leave me alone.”
“No. I don’t want you to ever talk to him. See him. Not ever again.” I spun around, pushed her up against the exterior wall. I muttered the words between frantic kisses. “He can’t have you, Edie. I won’t let him have you.”
I pawed at her, desperate to get her closer. “I need you…I need you…I need you.”
I mumbled it, kissing her harder.
Deeper.
Needed more.
My head spun, and I yanked at the button of her shorts, desperate as I shoved them down, taking her underwear with them.
I fumbled at my fly.
Impatient.
“I need you,” I demanded again.
Edie was touching me everywhere, her hands just as frantic as mine. Filling me up with all her belief.
She gasped when I suddenly lifted her from her feet and had her pinned to the wall.
I filled her in one possessive stroke.
“Austin.”
The world tilted, and I gasped at the utter relief I felt in being inside this girl.
I fucked her hard and fast.
Needing to erase all the shit that threatened to come between us. Needing to get her closer. To hold her and protect her. Never let her go.
My orgasm hit me out of nowhere. So intense. Blinding. My ears rang and I shouted her name.
Through it, I could barely hear her cries. But they were there, landing against my senses like a slow reverberation.
“Wait…wait.”
Wait.
I pulled out, my eyes wide with shock when my body continued to jerk and spasm, come jetting all over her belly.
But it was the fact it was dripping down her thigh that rocked me back and knocked me sober.
I might as well have driven a blade straight through the broken parts of her tender heart.
Because I saw it all unfold as if in slow motion.
Splintering.
Shattering.
The betrayal froze her face in horror. Her mouth and eyes open wide as her body reeled back.
She had an appointment next week to get a checkup and prescription for pills.
I mean, we’d had a fucking heart-to-heart about it. About her fears and reservations. It was a damned big deal. Part of her trusting me.
What did I do?
She began to shake. Uncontrolled. “No…no…no.”
Frantic, she grabbed her underwear balled by her shorts, trying to rub me away from her body.
To clean herself of my stain.
“No.”
That word? It was so quiet. Tortured. An echo of old, old wounds that had been torn open wide.
“Edie.” I touched her shoulder.
She jerked, but I knew she wasn’t seeing me. “Don’t touch me.” Her plea overflowed with tears, and she fumbled into her shorts. Her hand darted out to keep herself from falling.
She stumbled into the house.
Disoriented.
She looked around. Lost. She lurched toward the table where she’d left the bags of takeout and grabbed her keys.
She didn’t look back when she ran out the front door and toward her car.
I was right behind her, my pleas frantic and spilling out. “Edie, baby, I’m so sorry. Stop…please stop. Listen to me.”
She wrenched open her car door. She shrugged me off when I tried to grab her arm. “Don’t touch me,” she mumbled again.
“It’s not the same. It’s not the same. Please, listen to me.”
She started the car and threw it in drive, started moving with me still standing at the open door.
I jumped back when she accelerated. The door slammed shut and she swerved when she hit the street.
“Fuck.” I screamed it.
Be careful with me.
That was the one thing she’d asked.
She’d given me everything else.
I ran inside and grabbed my keys, darted right back out, coaxing my truck to start. The engine turned over, and I gunned it.
When I got to Edie’s place, she was already throwing her car in park and stumbling out.
The face I adored was blotchy and red, soaked with tears.
The front door opened and Jed came running out.
I flew out of my truck right at the moment Edie fell into his arms.
Sobbing.
I rushed for her. She whimpered at the feel of my hands on her bare arm. “Don’t touch me. Leave me alone. Please. Leave me alone.”
Jed turned her so I couldn’t get to her, protecting her the way I was supposed to do.
Blaire was suddenly there. “Edie…oh my God…Edie.”
Blaire grabbed for her, and Jed released her. Edie buried her head in Blaire’s chest.
Weeping hard.
“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” Blaire said, shushing her. Blaire glared back at me as she led Edie toward the door.
I went after them.
Jed shoved me in the chest. Hard. I floundered back. I caught myself right before I fell.
Didn’t matter. I flew right back around, pushing back.
Ready for a fight.
To fight for her.
Couldn’t let her go.
Wouldn’t.
“It’s not the same, Edie,” I heard myself yelling. Begging. “It’s not the same. Don’t do this. I love you. Please. Edie…fuck…please. Listen to me.”
I love you.
Jed got in my face. “Warned you if you hurt her, I’d be coming for you.”
All my attention was on the door, the sounds coming from inside. I angled that way. “I need to—”
He shoved me again. “Only thing you need to do is get the fuck out of here. Listen to her. She told you not to touch her. To leave her alone. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”
Be careful with me.
I stumbled back.
Panting.
I could feel my world crashing down around me.
I couldn’t even do that.
Hate thudded through my veins.
Because that was me.
Always taking the good I was given and crushing it in my hands.
I always fucked everything up.
Hurt those who meant the most to me.
But if it was the last thing I did? I’d set Edie free. Loose her from the chains that still kept her bound. Protect her from that bastard so she could live.
Just once.
Just once.
I would do something right.