“Goodnight!”
The four of us threw up our hands and exited the stage. It felt like my feet weren’t touching the ground.
Body floating.
Spirit soaring.
Screams, cheers, and a chant for more only served to heighten it further. Blood sloshed and pounded. I could feel the adrenaline consuming every cell in my body. Begging to be set free.
I itched.
I think it was that moment when I finally fully grasped the compulsion my brother had once tried to describe to me. When he’d tried to make me understand what it really was like to stand on a stage in front of thousands of fans. How it felt to feed the frenzy and how they just poured it right back into you.
As soon as we made it through the wall of curtains, Ash clamped his hands down on the back of my shoulders. Dude used me as a springboard to propel himself into the air, doing his own sort of flying. He landed with a clap of both palms on my back.
“Hell yeah, man. You kicked ass. Show was off-the-charts epic. Crowd was wild. They loved you, man. Seamless. Fucking seamless.”
Seamless.
That’s the way it’d felt.
Like I’d belonged in that stitching all along.
Lyrik gave me a jut of his chin in clear approval as he stalked away, black hair bobbing above the crowd he disappeared into. Zee offered a fist bump as he passed. “Did it, man. Knew you could.”
But it was my brother who was waiting in the wings who slowed my steps.
His approval I sought.
He grabbed me by the shoulders. Shook me. Fingers digging into my skin. “So fuckin’ proud of you, Austin. So fuckin’ proud.”
He pulled me into a tight hug, his fists at my back, and I hugged him back. Everything he’d ever done for me was right there, at the forefront of my thoughts and memories.
“Thank you for giving me this chance.”
His words were thick. “Thank you for taking it.”
My nod was slight, and my racing heart pounded a little harder as I relished it all for a moment more.
Then I let it go.
Focused on what had brought me back to L.A. in the first place.
The main reason I was here, even if I did feel as if I’d found a missing piece of myself along the way.
Paul had returned my text when I’d let him know I’d leave a backstage pass for him with will call, said he’d be there.
I was ready.
So damned ready to stand up and take the responsibility that was mine and make sure the bastard never had a stray thought toward my girl ever again.
I knew it’d be a fight.
One I refused to do anything but win.
Figured it’d only sting more when he stood in front of me, thinking he was about to hit the jackpot when the asshole hadn’t even played. Figured it’d hit him harder by bringing him here under the auspice of something great when things for him were about to go terribly wrong.
Agitation slid slow but strong. I searched the faces waiting in the wings, fully expecting him to step out of the shadows like the creepy motherfucker he was.
Then I would go back to Santa Cruz, find my girl, and confess it.
Tell her I’d gone and whipped up a mess of mayhem, the way I always did, in the end only making it worse.
Even when I’d just been trying to make it right. I knew I couldn’t go on without getting him out of her way when he’d promised it wasn’t over. But I realized now, it wasn’t ever going to be until Paul was taken care of.
Anthony strode up. Confused, he looked around like he was hunting for someone. I didn’t miss the worry that flashed on his face or the concern that shifted his feet.
“Hey, Ash,” he called.
Ash had his arm around some chick, making her giggle as he whispered something I was sure was all kinds of obscene in her ear. Dude was always such a dog.
“Be back in a minute, darlin’,” he said with that cocky lilt. He sauntered Anthony’s direction. “What’s up, man?”
Anthony hesitated, eyes darting around again. Something in my spirit made me latch on to whatever he was about to say, my body struck with a quiver of unease.
“Did you see your sister…Edie?”
Ash’s expression went blank for the flash of a second. Like he was processing. Perplexed.
While my insides twisted.
“What do you mean, my sister?” he asked, shucking the aloof cloak he always wore. Something intense took him over.
“Your sister. She’s here. Told her to wait in the VIP section backstage. Don’t see her now.”
Worry climbed into the clench of Ash’s jaw. “My sister? You sure, Anthony? Don’t fuck with me, man. Not about her.”
Anthony shook his head. “Really think I’d mess with you about something like that?”
Their conversation became a dull hum in the back of my mind.
Everything shifted to overdrive.
My gaze flashed around the room. Searching the coves and recesses.
Panic lit in my belly.
Like the flick of a stove.
A ring of fire.
I stood in the middle of it.
Burning.
No.
Not again.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I dug into my pocket for my phone.
Fear swept vast and wide as I read the message I had waiting.
One from Paul.
Backstage. Ready to hear whatever it is you’ve got to say.
No. No. No.
I didn’t even realize I was saying it aloud. My voice grew louder with each word that ripped from my tongue. “No…fuck…no. Edie.”
I yelled it, spinning in a circle. “Edie!”
Ash hooked onto the frenzy buzzing through my bones.
Our eyes locked.
Like he knew.
I raced toward the back of the building where the after party raged.
Ash was right on my heels, talking the whole way. “Why do I get the sinking feeling you’ve got a fuckton of explaining to do and I’m not gonna like what you have to say?”
I didn’t pause to give him an answer.
I just pushed through the people hanging at the back of the hall where the big room opened up, yelling for her the entire time.
Inside, a ton of assholes lounged around like they owned the place, girls ready to waste what they had on these losers just to get a little taste of the glitz and glam.
As if anyone the next day would even remember their name.
I scanned each of them.
She wasn’t there.
Dread spread like the crawl of spindly branches.
Burrowing in and taking hold.
I nearly crashed into Ash when I flipped back around. I darted out into the hall. Both of us rushed deeper into the bowels of the old building, toward the dressing rooms and offices in the very back. We were flinging open doors, her name flying on a constant stream from our tongues.
Something close to hysteria rose up within me.
The thought of that bastard touching her…hurting her…
No.
Wouldn’t let it happen.
Not again.
Coming up short, I spun around and hurtled back down the way we’d come, Ash taking up my side.
Didn’t give a fuck I was literally shoving people out of my way as I barreled through.
Confusion reigned on everyone’s expressions when we came back to the side of the stage, Baz, Anthony, and Zee staring back at us like they were wondering what to do, Lyrik now a part of the fray.
Frantic, my eyes scanned.
Everything seized when I saw the door to the left of the stage, hidden and forgotten in the hollows.
I ran toward it and grabbed the knob. I yanked it.
Locked.
Terror burned, suffocating, and I stepped back, lifted the sole of my boot so I could slam it against the door.
It rattled but stayed.
I did it again.
And again.
I just fucking kicked and kicked until it splintered and gave. It slammed open, and it collided against the inside wall. Without hesitation, I went bolting through.
Edie.
Violence clawed beneath the surface of my skin.
Paul had her pinned up against a big box pushed up on the far wall. In shock, he turned to look over his shoulder when he heard me crashing through.
But I knew.
There was no missing it in those terrified, aqua eyes, what the piece of shit had intended to do.
“Austin.” My name left her on strangled relief, and she sagged when he spun around and released her.
Fuck, I hardly knew how to make sense of it. The fact my girl was here after the way I’d betrayed her the other night.
Rage tweaked my muscles and my hands curled into fists. Propelled by pent-up fury and unstoppable hate, I rushed.
I lunged right for the asshole.
Edie yelped and jumped out of the way.
Somewhere in the fog of my mind, I could hear Ash’s voice cutting through the stifling air. “Edie…oh God…tell me you’re okay. What the hell are you doing here? Edie.”
But I couldn’t process it. My focus was on the man at the root of it all. Full force, I rammed him.
I hit him in the stomach with my shoulder. On impact, I locked my arms around his waist and knocked him from his feet.
We flew.
It only fed the darkness, fueled the rage, my veins burning fire. We landed hard, a tangle of limbs and harsh, bitter grunts, an outright battle to come out on top.
I did.
Because I wasn’t about to let this piece of shit win.
I knew Ash was right there, on edge, muscles tight. Tense with adrenaline. At the ready to jump in. Having not the first clue what we were fighting for other than the fact the prick had his little sister locked away in a storage room.
That in itself would be enough to turn things south.
But if he knew how deep it went?
He would have lost it. Same way as me.
“Motherfucker.” Paul’s grunted curse was low, eyes wide with both confusion and shock.
Though maybe not as shocked as when I cocked back my arm and drove my fist like a hammer into his face.
I delivered two crushing jabs.
Skin split.
Blood poured.
I gripped him by the shirt, yanked him up, and slammed him against the concrete floor. “You fucking bastard. Did you really think I was going to let you get away with touching her again?”
“What the fuck is this?” he grunted, fighting back, fool just catching on to the fact he wasn’t there to get a slice of Sunder.
But I sure as hell was gonna take a piece of him.
“Warned you I’d kill you,” I seethed, my teeth gnashing, desperate to make good on the threat.
A hand flew free and clipped me on the chin.
Caught off guard, I rocked back, and he scrambled free, on his feet and coming at me, his laughter loud.
Maniacal.
“You want to go down for that little slut? Fucking bitch…sent me to jail for the last four years. She’s gonna pay. One way or the other. Might as well take it out on you.”
Dude had to be off-kilt mad throwing those words at me. And let’s not forget Edie’s brother was standing right the fuck there. Trying to make sense of the details.
Adding it up.
Knew it would only be a few seconds before he finally caught up.
Apparently the dickbag had missed the notice that a few years had passed. Because I sure as shit wasn’t a scrawny kid anymore. The second he pounced, I knocked him back with a jab. A direct blow to his nose.
Cartilage cracked and blood gushed. It splattered across his face and the dingy floor. Didn’t even give him time to cry out like the bitch he was before I was on him.
Boxes toppled over, glass shattering and metal equipment clattering where it spilled onto the floor as I drove him back like a battle ram. I pinned him to the wall. He struggled and my hold increased as I laid it out, words grit as I spit them toward his face, the shot of laughter that left me bitter. “You think Edie did this to you? That sweet girl you about destroyed? You really think it was her? Why don’t you think about it a little harder, asshole?”
My voice went lethally quiet. “Think about it. Or didn’t you have enough time to figure it out while you rotted behind bars for the last four years? Did that warped conscious of yours ever let you in on the deal? Did you finally get it…finally understand why I sent you there? Did you really think for one second I would stand aside and let you get away with what you did?”
A sob ripped from Edie. God, I wanted to crawl to her on my hands and knees. Beg her to forgive me for what I was doing.
Instead, I focused on the fear of losing her for good, directed all of it on Paul. The asshole whose eyes rounded on the impact of my words, the reality of my admission hitting him like an avalanche.
Bricks raining down.
“Tell me,” I demanded.
“You,” he spat.
“What the fuck…someone—” Ash’s cringed desperation barely broke the red haze of hate that gripped me everywhere. My muscles ticked and that ugly, vile place inside screamed at me to just do him in.
End it.
“Yeah. Me. And I’d fucking do it again…a million times over. Wish I would’ve done more, because you and I both know four years of you gone won’t undo what you did to her.”
He sneered. “I did to her? She wanted it.”
Violence skated the surface of my skin. I lifted him from the floor, pinned him high on the wall, everything pouring out. “It won’t erase you from her skin or her memories. Won’t erase her pain or erase her fear. Won’t erase the fact her daughter is somewhere out there…being raised by someone else.”
Edie wailed, and suddenly Ash was behind me, a ball of rage that blistered across the floor. “Someone needs to tell me what the fuck is happening and do it now because I’m about half a second from losing my shit.”
Sobs.
My girl.
Angel.
My chest tightened so damned tight, and I winced. Blinked through the daze, realizing what I’d allowed to pass through my lips. The secret I was always supposed to hold.
Somehow this showdown had become a spectator sport, because I could feel the eyes, the barely contained restraint of my brother, Lyrik, and Zee, Baz’s girl behind them.
Fuck.
“Edie,” I whispered, wanting to soothe her. To calm her. To let her know it was going to be okay.
Set her free.
My words grated like broken glass. “Baby…it’s okay…it’s okay.”
Baby.
There it was.
Out there.
For the first time offered up like a revelation.
Without shame or disgrace or scandal.
Without all the bullshit hiding.
A whimpered cry broke from her mouth.
Ash ripped at his hair, his expression tormented as he spun around and angled his attention at his sister, pointing a demanding finger Paul’s way. “This piece of shit hurt you? What did he do to you? Tell me what’s happening, Edie. Tell me right the fuck now what Austin is talking about.”
Paul laughed. “I didn’t hurt her. She was begging me to fuck her.”
Ash roared, and suddenly Lyrik and Baz were there, holding him back as he struggled against their hold. All of them knew if Ash lost it like this, things were going to get ugly and fast.
A cry erupted from Edie.
Excruciating.
Like that single sound had been harbored inside her for a billion years. A fiery boil of compressed magma that had waited beneath. Pressure building and building until there was no stopping the force and it burst free.
Edie’s face twisted with disbelief. Hurt. And some kind of profound determination.
Courage.
The prick flailed. Fighting against my hands. Fighting for breath. Fighting a fight there was no use fighting for.
“You stole everything from me.” Her words were a fractured whisper. “You stole my innocence. My future. You took advantage of me.” She knocked her fist against her chest. “Violated me.”
She gasped around a splintered breath. “And when I begged you for help, you laughed in my face. Shamed me. So don’t you dare stand there and say you didn’t hurt me.”
He clawed at my wrist, breaking free long enough to spew the words. “You were begging me to fuck you.”
I rammed him back down. “Shut the fuck up, asshole.” I looked at my girl, urging her with my eyes to continue. To lay it all out. To get it out.
Maybe then she might finally be able to let some of this go.
Shimmery streams of tears streaked down her face. “No,” she said, her voice growing bold. Like maybe it was the first time she believed it. “No. You’re wrong.”
My heart damned near seized.
So fucking beautiful.
Broken like me.
So many fractured, splintered pieces.
I felt each of them out there hovering at the fringes of our messed-up lives.
Quivering. Rattling in wait.
Like magnets repelled until they suddenly shifted and flew.
Careening as they sped.
Brought together by that unavoidable lure.
The energy and the force.
Crashing together to become one.
My mirror.
I slammed Paul back against the wall. My fists were balled up in his shirt, pressing under his chin. “She was fourteen.” The bitter accusation slid from my mouth below my breath, up close to his face where no one else could hear.
“Where I come from…that’s called rape. When I had you meet me, I expected it to be just you and me. Figured we’d go round and round until one of us didn’t get up. But considering we have an audience, looks like it’s your lucky day. So listen closely, asshole…if you even breathe in her direction, ever again, I will erase you. You got me?”
Ash raged. Hooking onto the heart of it. Finally getting what really went down all those years ago.
Edie sobbed quietly in the corner.
I gulped around the guilt and fear in my throat. “I asked a question, motherfucker. Do you get me? Because I promise you, if I have to come for you again, it won’t only be me knocking on your door.”
Pussy’s expression was riddled with fear. I suddenly released him and he slid to the ground. I landed a swift kick to his side.
Just in case the bastard needed an extra reminder.
Mouth wide open, he curled on his side, moaning as he rocked. He managed to climb onto all fours. He was barely able to stand when he pushed to his feet. He was gasping for pained breaths when he began to limp toward the door.
Lyrik lurched at him. Threatening as he past. An affirmation that what I’d been saying was true.
I wouldn’t be the only one coming for him if he ever showed his face again.
Ash fought to break free, shouting as he raged. “Watch your back, asshole…watch your fucking back. You touch my sister?”
Paul didn’t look up. Just slinked out like the pussy he was.
Bastards like that? They were always preying on the weak. Taking from those who couldn’t defend themselves. Tucking tail the second someone with the ability stands up to hold the bitch accountable.
As soon as he dropped out of sight, it was instant.
The way the silence pulled and tugged so goddamned tight.
The distress hovering around us was enough to snuff out those bits of hope I’d felt when I’d stood on that stage feeling like a goddamned king.
Now I stood there a beggar.
Warily, my gaze shifted to Edie.
Her entire face twisted.
In disbelief.
In horror.
In this gut-wrenching sorrow I felt cut straight to my soul.
“How could you?”
Her hand pressed to her stomach. Like she was trying to keep herself from crumbling.
“How could you? My brother…oh my God.”
Her head shook. “Twice, Austin. Twice I trusted you with my secret. And twice you gave it away. And then…t-t-then you’ve been lying to me? Acting like you didn’t know anything about the texts when you were responsible all along? I trusted you. I believed in you. I came home for you.”
She blinked. Shaking. Disoriented.
She stepped back, knocked into a box.
Shocked.
“I can’t…”
Baz broke through the torment. “Shea…baby…why don’t you get Edie out of here? Think she needs some time and the rest of us need to cool down.”
Shea gave him a quick nod, their eyes locking in a silent conversation as she edged into the room, her voice soft when she got close to Edie.
“Hey, Edie. I’m Shea.” She brushed her fingers gently through my girl’s hair. “What do you say we get out of here? Just the girls…you and me and Tamar. Get you some air.”
Disconnected, Edie blinked, nodded, mumbled, “Okay.”
Shea began to lead her out.
Ash’s plea broke in pain. “Edie.”
Shea slanted him a look that said later, Edie tucked into her shoulder, leaning against her as she led her out.
And fuck.
I wanted to run for her. Chase her down and drop to my knees. Beg for the forgiveness I knew I didn’t deserve.
Instead, I stood there panting, my heart beating so hard I was sure it would break free of the confines of my chest.
Because if Edie was gone?
It was too.
Be careful with me.
That’s all she’d asked.
And I’d fucked it up.
Took the good and crushed it in careless hands.
I stood staring at the empty doorway, before I warily looked over at Ash.
His back was to my brother’s chest, Baz still gripping him by the arms, but he’d loosened his hold.
Tension bounced around the walls of the small room.
Ash’s brow twisted in spite as everything slowly sank in. Penetrated his being. His entire face pinched when he forced out the words. “You were sleeping with her? With my baby sister…when I brought her into our house when she was seventeen? When I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of her? The one responsible for her?”
Emotion squeezed all over. Regret. Hope. Bright blips and flickers of unfound dreams.
The girl who’d awakened the dead places inside me. The one who’d breathed life back into the broken.
Firelight.
It glowed so bright.
Slowly, I shook my head, everything raw. “No, Ash, I wasn’t sleeping with her. I was falling in love with her.”
He shook his head, harsh, and Baz released him. He slanted his fingers through his blond hair, staring at the ground for a beat, before he looked up at me. “She had a kid?”
I nodded, not able to meet his eye. Didn’t matter that the secret had already been betrayed.
Seemed wrong to be offering him the details.
“Fuck.” He shouted it toward the ceiling. “How the fuck did this happen?”
Helpless, I looked at him. “That’s something you’ve got to talk to her about. I’ve already said too much.”
He pushed out a weighted breath, raked an agitated hand down over his chin. “You been with her the whole time? This whole damned time when I thought she was out there finding herself? Because that sure sounds a whole lot like what you’ve claimed to have been up to, don’t you think?”
“No,” I said, roughing a palm over my face. “No, man…she took off because that piece of shit found out…”
My fault.
Again.
“And I…I left to find myself. Because without her it felt like everything was missing. And somehow, in this great big world, we found each other.”
Frustration shook my head. “But you know my MO, Ash. I’m given chance after chance, and every damned time, I turn around and fuck it up again.”
Hesitation stalled me, and I warred with what to say. How to lay it out there for Edie’s brother. Because I was so done with all the hiding. Done with treating what Edie and I had as something dirty and disgraceful. Not when it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever had.
A gift.
I looked him straight. “I love her.”
It was the most honest thing I’d ever said.
“But I messed up,” I continued. “I messed up bad. Should have just told her. Come clean about what I did and why I did it. But Paul? I don’t regret it. He needed to pay. Needed out of her life for as long as I could possibly make it happen. And if I’m the one who has to pay the price by losing her, I’ll swallow it. It’ll fuckin’ destroy me, but I’ll swallow it.”
His stare was riddled with guilt. “Why didn’t she just tell me?”
Grief and affection clotted in my throat. “Think tonight was the first time she really accepted it wasn’t her fault.”
His mouth twisted, and he jerked his head. “Need to get out of here. Gonna crack.”
Ash pushed around Zee who moved out of his way. I started after him. Lyrik set a hand on my chest. “Let him go, man. You just unleashed a shit storm. He needs some time to process what this all means.”
Emotion crawled up and down my throat like a caged cat. I gave a hard nod, having no clue what I was supposed to do now.
Baz sighed. “Come on…let’s get out of here.”
Nothing was said while we packed up our things. Mood somber. We headed out back where Baz’s truck was parked in the backlot. I set his electric guitar in the bed of his truck, climbed into the front passenger seat.
I kept checking my phone. Antsy. Feeling that missing piece aching out from within.
Baz turned the key in the ignition, backed out, and pulled onto the street. He kept stealing curious glances at me while he drove, like he was both fighting a grin and a lecture.
Knew it was difficult for him to give up on those days.
I scowled at him, a little bit pissed off. “Why the hell do you keep looking at me like that?”
Air puffed from his nose, and he let his grin go, his tone almost teasing. “So you and Edie Evans, huh?”
I sighed, rubbed my forehead, knowing this conversation was getting ready to take a nosedive. I wasn’t sure I was ready to delve into those depths with him.
Not when I didn’t know if the girl was mine or if she’d had enough of my bullshit.
My entire being recoiled at the notion.
He chuckled, accelerating from a red light. He tapped at the wheel, contemplating. “Funny…there were a bunch of times I would have sworn there was something going on between you two back when she was staying at the house up in the Hills. Tension thick as molasses every time the two of you were in the same room. But she was so damned shy, I thought better of it.”
He looked over at me. “Guess I should have thought worse of it. I mean…what did I expect, leaving you to your own devices? All of us were wiser than that.”
It was packed with innuendo.
I shook my head. “Told Ash I didn’t sleep with her back then. Wasn’t lying.”
Wanted to.
God, I’d wanted to so damned bad my sight had gone crooked.
“And molasses? For real, man, you turning country on me or what?”
Laughter rolled from him, a grin pulling at his mouth. “Might have a girl or two who are rubbing off on me.”
“Shea makes you happy, yeah?”
“Crazy happy.”
Truth of the matter? It made me crazy happy that she did. “Good for you, Baz. Hope you know that. Know it was a rough time when I left. But I need you to know I did it as much for you and Shea as I did it for myself.”
“Didn’t at the time…but after a while, I did.”
Silence stole between us. “Why’d you do it?” he finally asked.
Do it?
Start sneaking in her room?
Slip up in front of Paul the first time?
Set him up?
Try to cover it up when he again started sniffing around?
So many choices. Right or wrong, they’d all been made for one reason.
I sank further into the seat, my voice tight. “Because I love her.”
Because I wanted to protect her.
To take care of her the way I was made to do.
Dubious laughter rolled from him. “Loving someone will be one of the hardest things you ever do, little brother. It will twist you up and hang you out to dry. It’ll fill you with more worry than you think you can stand, then turn right around and fill you with the greatest joy. It’s a fucking battle, Austin. A battle because you’ll spend the rest of your life fighting to keep it. But if you know one thing? Know there’s no better mistake than one you make in the name of love.”
I laughed, though it lacked any amusement at all. “But sometimes those mistakes cut too goddamned deep, Baz. They sever and they break. Pretty sure this cut might have gone all the way through and I don’t have the first clue how to piece it back together.”
He blew out a breath between pursed lips. “Secrets will always come back around, Austin. Maybe you and I know that better than anyone else. Didn’t matter how far Edie ran from that one, it would have caught up to her. You or someone else.”
My head shook. “Betrayed her, Baz. She asked one thing of me.”
His phone went off and Shea’s face lit up the screen.
My insides twisted, and my pulse rate spiked, my body inclining toward the phone like it might bring me closer to Edie.
He grabbed it, pulled it to his ear. “Hey, baby.”
I could hear the intonation of her voice, but I couldn’t hear what she said.
“Okay…yeah…see you in a bit. Love you.”
He ended the call and another bout of silence throbbed in the cab. Baz kneaded the wheel.
“What’d she say?”
Hesitation wrapped around him. Because that was Baz’s way. Always trying to protect me from what he didn’t think I could handle. “Not a kid anymore. No more of this bullshit…no more not saying what needs to be said.”
A sigh filtered from his lungs. “Shea put Edie up at a hotel. Said she needs some time.”
Pain crushed my chest. A million fucking tons.
He seemed to war with what to say. “Why don’t you come to mine and Shea’s place? Plenty of room.”
I shook my head. “Just…take me to the Sunder house.”
The place where I’d found her and she’d found me. Where I felt closest to her.
He gave me a short nod, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. He pulled to a stop in the drive.
“Thanks, Baz,” I said as I opened the door and stepped out.
“You going to be okay?” he asked, and I paused, halfway out when I looked back at him, my smile grim.
“Loving her might be the best mistake I ever made.”
His lips pressed together in a sympathetic twist. Like he got it. Figured if anyone could, it was Baz.
I slung my bag over my shoulder and grabbed the guitar that now belonged to me. I trudged up the walk that made up so many memories, stepped into the darkened house that shouted back the loneliness.
Slowly, I took the stairs, my breaths heaving from my lungs. I opened the door to my old room and switched on the light. It was exactly the same. The same furnishings and pictures. All my belongings in their rightful place.
Exactly the way I’d left it.
Crazy, because nothing about it felt right.
I backed out, my head dropped while I stood in the long, quiet hall.
Apprehensive.
But not even that could stop me.
Because I was drawn.
I moved, my footsteps quieted. Same as they’d been years before.
Subdued.
Tempting fate.
Sucking in a breath, I snapped the latch and entered her old room.
I stood inside the darkness. The flowy, translucent drapes shimmered in the faint moonlight breaking through. The bed was made. The room clean. Ready for any guest who needed a place to sleep.
Didn’t matter.
It still felt like her.
Smelled like her.
I set the guitar on the floor and let my bag slide off my shoulder and drop free, kicked off my shoes, and fell face first onto the mattress.
I breathed in the hurt, and I let the magnitude of the mistakes I’d made tumble through me like a wailing storm.
I couldn’t even pinpoint where they’d started.
Maybe it’d been tonight when I’d exposed her secret to Ash.
Or when I’d lost myself on our birthday. When I’d been so fucking desperate for her to fill up the void the way only she could.
Could have been not confessing right off the bat when she got the first text from Paul.
Or possibly when I let her secret run away from my mouth the first time. Again fueled by my fury as I released her trust into the hands of the very person she was determined would never know.
Maybe it was sneaking in here the first time.
But I think there was a part of me that knew. Knew I could trace it all back to that day on the beach.
The day I’d ripped the other half of my spirit away.
My darkest day.
It was the day I’d been set off-balance. My equilibrium shot. One side weighted by the ugliest, grimmest dark, the void on that side making it too hard to stand.
It’d left me spinning in a downward spiral.
Forever falling into the depths of an unending pit.
I hugged a pillow. Buried my face in it.
“What do I do, Julian? What the fuck do I do? When will it ever end?”
I lay there in the darkness as the Santa Ana winds whipped through the city and pounded against the walls.
The window panes rattled.
And I prayed prayers I didn’t have the right to pray.
“Please.”
I drifted in and out of consciousness. Barely hanging on. My heart thundering in the well of my chest. This erratic boom, boom, boom I couldn’t calm.
Energy shifted. Lifted and swelled.
I sucked in a breath.
The door creaked open and that power lit. A sliver of hazy light bled across the floor and onto the bed, and the tension bounded.
Thick and profound.
Suffocating.
Her footfalls were light. Slow and cautious.
I remained frozen as she silently crossed the room, my breath gone when her fingertips traced a path up the center of my back, tender as they brushed the skin of my neck and up under my hair.
Shivers slicked down my spine, tightening every cell.
I shifted, almost scared to look over my shoulder.
But there was no chance I could look away.
Because there was my girl standing over me.
Hair like ethereal flames.
A white halo around her head.
Aqua eyes shimmered in the night.
Diamonds.
Angel. Light. Life.
She said nothing, just climbed onto the bed. I rolled onto my back, and she straddled my waist.
Every inch of my body hardened.
I stared up at her. The girl a vision. “Edie,” I murmured.
She said nothing, only lifted the dream catcher above me. The hoop twisted and spun where it was suspended over my head, the feathers cast in a slow wave.
I clutched her by the hips. The lump was so thick in my throat. Because I had no idea which direction this was going to go.
Her voice was wispy when she finally spoke, almost faraway. “The first night you came to me I was so lost. I was terrified to live, Austin. Terrified to feel. But you broke through all those barriers. You made me remember what it felt like to hope. What it felt like to believe.”
I sat up, bringing us face to face. Her body burned against mine, her heart a constant pound, pound, pound.
I could barely get out the admission. “The first time I touched you was the first time I breathed.”
Not since I’d been a little boy.
She cast her gaze down. “That’s the way it’s always been with us. Something brilliant and beautiful pitted against something ugly and dark. The two always at war.”
She looked up at me beneath her lashes. That sea of blue toiled with emotion, staring straight at me. Into me. She was always the one who could see it all. “How will we ever win if we can’t stop fighting it?”
I attempted to swallow, fumbling around inside for a way around the obstacles that continued to block our paths. The ones that always led us back to the other.
Gently, I cupped her sweet, trusting face. “Because I don’t ever want to stop fighting for you.”
Tears leaked out at the corner of her eyes, and her chin trembled, my girl chewing at her lip as she tried to keep it contained. “I’m so scared of this, Austin. Scared of us. Scared to be free with you because that might mean letting her go. I’m afraid of the way you fill up the emptiness. I’m terrified that one day…one day she’ll walk right by me and I won’t recognize her.”
My thumb brushed her cheek. “And I am terrified that one day…one day I won’t feel him anymore. That if I don’t ache, maybe I will no longer remember. That if I fill up the void, I’ll forget.”
I stared at her.
My reflection.
My mirror.
Fingers caressed my forehead and across my brows. Tender and soothing, comforting me, in the midst of all her pain. “What happened the other night…on the beach. I know it didn’t happen because you didn’t care if you were careful with me. I know you do, Austin. I know you care. I know it. Feel it. But it felt like I was losing the choice. That I was out of control, and I don’t know how to handle feeling that way.”
The shake of her head was slow. “And you stopped…stopped when I asked you to. But that’s what scared me most. That I let myself get lost in you.”
She blinked, her words emphatic as she offered them into the night. “I want to be her, Austin. I want to be the one you can touch. Without reservations because you know I’m yours because I’ve given myself to you. I want to be the one that you know will always be there for you. Always. In whatever capacity you need me. That I belong to you the same way you belong to me. I want to be free.”
I framed her face in my hands. “I’m going to mess up, Edie. I’m going to make mistakes. Do things I wish I didn’t. But you will always—always—be free in me. With me. I will always be there to support you in whatever choice you make. And I fucking hate it that I lost that control. But I promise you…I’d never hurt you on purpose. It kills me that I did.”
Tears kept coming, like streamers of glinting light rolling down her cheeks. “I never thought I’d trust someone enough to put myself in the position where I might have that choice to make again.”
She set a palm on her stomach, her expression haunted and brimming with hope. “But when I came here, I made the decision I don’t want to be scared anymore.”
Rasping out a relieved breath, I hugged her close and buried my face in her chest. Right over her heart. I just needed to hear it beat. “Can’t tell you how sorry I am about Paul. About letting it get out in front of your brother.”
I could feel her head shaking. “I was upset. Hurt. But I knew, Austin. Sitting alone in the hotel room, I knew every single choice you’d made was for me. That all along, you’ve done everything you could to protect me.”
We stayed like that. Rocking slow. The girl on her knees. Curled around and hovering over me.
My angel.
Slowly, I sat back, pulled her arms out in front of her, unwound the catcher she had clutched in her hand. I held it up. My attention darted between her and the hoop. My confession came on a ragged whisper. “Promised you this catcher would always hold your dreams. Chase away the bad ones and keep the good ones safe.” I swallowed around the jagged rocks lodged in my throat. “But I never told you mine.”
Aqua eyes flashed. “Tell me.”
Softly, I spoke. “I dream about a life with you, Edie. One I live for you. With you.”
I threaded our fingers together, brought her hand to my mouth, kissed across the knuckle of her ring finger. “Dream about putting a ring on this finger. About calling you my wife.”
I laced the words with caution. Because I knew I was pushing through the last of the barriers that remained between us. My fingers brushed back the hair matted to her damp cheeks. “Dream about a little girl with your eyes…maybe one who has my smile. Someday, Edie, someday…I want all those things. I want them with you. Whether it’s tomorrow or years from now…I want all of it with you.”
If what happened on the beach the other day brought it sooner, I’d be there. With her. For her.
Together.
Just like I’d promised.
“I want it, Austin. Someday, I want it. With you. I want it all.”
I hugged her to me, my face going back to her chest.
She weaved her fingers through my hair, her voice a whispered confession. “I saw you on stage.”
Those old dreams flared. I swallowed hard, while her voice went soft as a song. “You were beautiful, Austin. Powerful. Mesmerizing. You were right where you belonged.”
“I…I came here thinking that was the best way to get close to Paul. Hurt him more. Getting him as close to the band as I could. But being up there…it felt like…Edie, it felt like I was where I belonged. But bigger than that is the fact I belong with you.”
She pulled back, her smile sincere and so, so sweet. “This…this is where we belong. I don’t want to run, Austin. Not anymore.”
Exhaling the weight, I pulled her arm to my face, kissed the inside of her wrist, the inside of her elbow, the cap of her shoulder.
“Firelight.”
My confession.
My world.
The light.
Edie gripped me by both sides of the face. Her hold strong. Sure. “Make love to me, Austin. Make love to me forever. Never leave my heart. Don’t ever let me go. I choose you.”