I hiked the sweet little girl up onto the short wall that divided the beach and the road, giving her a soft smile as I helped tame her wild mane of dark brown hair. Gathering it at one side, I twisted the three big sections I’d made into a fat braid.
A breeze rushed around us, ushered in by the waves, the sun breaching the cool air to kiss our skin.
I tapped her nose. “There you go, sunshine. All finished.”
She lifted her face up at me and offered me a grin so wide it touched me somewhere deep. In that achy place I tried so desperately to pretend didn’t exist. Two of her adult teeth were already working their way in and two baby ones were missing from the bottom. “Do I look so pretty? My daddy told me I’m the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.”
A roll of affectionate laughter rippled from me, and I picked her up from under her arms, steadied her on the ground. “You certainly are.”
“Billy doesn’t say so. He said I’m gross.”
“Who’s Billy?” I asked.
“From school. Daddy says Billy’s a bully. Bully Billy. That’s what I call him. He’s so, so mean all the time. Always cheating and pullin’ hair.”
With a frown, I took her hand and began to wander down the lane toward the crosswalk. “Well, that doesn’t sound very nice.”
She skipped along at my side. “Nope. Not nice. But Ms. Montez says we hav’ta be nice, so I’m always nice even when he’s not.”
“That’s good. You just let me know if he bothers you too much, okay?”
I knew well enough there was a fine line between teasing and abuse.
“Yep…but I hav’ta tell my daddy first. He promised he’d pay a little visit to my class if Billy keeps buggin’ me. And I really like when my daddy visits my class!”
I stifled a chuckle.
I bet he would.
Heidi belonged to Kane, the head surf instructor down at the shop. Her mom had disappeared with nothing more than a note scrawled on a piece of scrap paper left under a heart magnet on the fridge, saying she couldn’t handle being a mom for a second more. It had been two weeks before Heidi had turned two.
It’d left Kane a single dad with a huge chip on his shoulder and an intense love of a little girl the guy didn’t always know how to handle.
Old grief spun through my spirit.
It was something I just couldn’t understand.
Couldn’t fathom or comprehend.
The thought of willingly leaving this precious girl behind.
Maybe that’s what bonded Heidi and me so tightly.
From the moment I started working at the shop, anytime she was there, she’d constantly follow me around, chatting nonstop as she scurried around at my heels and tugged at my shirt, desperate for a woman’s attention.
There was something about her guileless smile that filled the boundless void inside me. At the same time, it expanded and throbbed within the confines of the hollow cavern carved out at the center of me. The child was six, going on seven, full of life and excitement and innocent hope.
It hadn’t taken Kane all that much to convince me to keep her Saturday afternoons. He had several classes to teach, and Blaire worked the store on Saturdays so I could have a day off.
Funny, since they were typically spent like this.
“So what do you want to do today?” I asked as we waited for the crosswalk light to change.
Heidi danced on her toes. “I want to go to the park and to the restaurant that has those funny fries with the faces and I want to get ice cream. Oh, and I wanna go to the store because my daddy gave me ten dollars. Let’s go there first!”
Um, wow.
She was a tiny whirlwind.
But of course I grinned, because I loved every second of it.
After the chaos that had ripped into my safe haven, leveling all the walls, I needed a day like this.
A distraction.
A purpose.
“All right, then. We’ll see what we can fit in before your daddy gets off work.”
Hand in hand, we strolled down the street lined with palm trees interspersed with bushy shade trees, the tourist shops and quaint restaurants painted a rainbow of colors, big plate-glass windows framed in white.
That same calming breeze rode in on the tide, chasing us close behind.
“How’s this?” I paused in front of a small specialty toy store.
Heidi released my hand and moved forward, pressed her palms and forehead to the glass, peering inside.
Leaving her little girl mark.
A few fingerprints never hurt anyone.
She looked up at me with that grin, excitement blazing in her gaze. “Oh yes, oh yes! They have dolls, Edie! They have dolls!”
I smiled down at her, touched her chin. “Well, then, we’d better get inside.”
I opened the door, and Heidi raced in ahead of me, bee-lining straight to the dolls spotlighted on an end cap.
I cringed. With just a glance, I knew there was no chance she could afford one.
“Edie…look! Look! This one looks just like me.” Heidi jumped around at my side and yanked at my hand, pointing at a ridiculously expensive doll with her same hair and eye color that I would lay down bets any six-year-old girl would salivate over.
“Um…I’m sorry, sweetie, but you definitely don’t have enough money for that.”
And I would totally buy it for her.
Of course, if her dad wouldn’t kill me because I did.
She pouted, but even that had something sweet about it. “Oh man. What do I have ’nough money for?”
Soft affection played through my heart. A feeling that was always shaded with sadness. I squeezed her hand. “Well, how about you save it and next time you’ll have more money to spend?”
You know…nothing wrong with throwing in a few life lessons whenever you got the chance.
“But my daddy said it was for me to get a treat.”
Okay then.
“Well…maybe you could get a pretty dress for the doll you already have?”
There we go.
A diversion.
Compromise.
She bounced on her cute little pink painted toes. “Then can we go get ice cream?”
“After lunch.” I gave a small tug to the end of her braid. “Sound like a good plan?”
“Yes!”
That was easy enough.
We rounded the aisle in search of the doll accessories. The whole way I sent up a silent prayer they weren’t as pricey as the dolls exhibited out front, because her dad would just have to get over me spoiling her a little bit, because I didn’t have the heart to tell her no twice.
And I froze.
The world dropped out from underneath me.
I stumbled to a stop. It was instant. The way I was captivated by the beautiful boy who stood at the far end of the aisle. That ominous, threatening man who rocked my quickly crumbling foundation. As if his stance carried a shock wave of power that rippled along the floor, creating gaping, fissuring cracks.
It slammed into me.
Stealing my breath and my mind and my sanity.
My fingers twitched, itching to weave through that mess of brown hair that was all mussed on top of his head, his face in profile, the angle of his jaw so strong, shadowed by the beard he obviously hadn’t the time to shave this morning. His tight gray tee exposed the vast canvas of ink that swirled and twisted down his arms. Ink I wanted nothing more than to explore.
A piece of this boy I didn’t recognize.
A mystery.
A riddle.
I was staggered.
So torn.
I’ll wait for you forever.
He was the only one I’d wished it was the truth.
Heidi tugged at my hand, her voice full of impatience. “Come on, Edie. We have to hurry or my daddy is going to get home and be all, all alone and then we won’t have time to go to the park.”
With her tinkling, sweet voice, Austin looked our way.
His own shock vivid, that grey gaze wild and unsettled when it locked on me.
I could feel it, the way his entire body tilted my direction.
Drawn.
He blinked, those earthy eyes so dark and deep.
Heidi hauled me forward. The little girl was completely oblivious to the way my axis had shifted. All direction altered and centered on one man.
The two of us magnets. Spinning. Churning. Attracting and repelling.
Austin moved, each step calculated. His own surprise that had been evident on his face faded away and those delicious lips tipped into an even more delicious smile.
Satisfaction and desire.
A shiver slicked down my spine.
Cold as ice and sharp as a dagger.
God, I had to get it together. Maintain control.
He raked a casual hand through his hair as he approached, head cocked to the side with a gleam in his eye.
I would accuse him of following me. Except tucked beneath one arm was a huge golden-brown teddy bear, and a little girl’s fashion design set was wedged beside it.
Confusion swirled.
What in the world was he doing?
“Edie,” he breathed. Warm eyes traced me as if seeing me was relief, head to toe and right back up again.
I fidgeted, my fingertips fluttering up to fiddle with the strand of hair that had freed itself from my own loose braid.
“Hi,” I whispered.
After what had transpired two nights ago, I wasn’t sure how to handle his presence. My weakness for him so clear.
Trust.
It was no secret I didn’t often grant it.
But right then, who I didn’t trust was myself.
He glanced down to the little girl grinning up from at my side. A curious frown pulled at his brow and a small smile worked itself onto his mouth.
“Who’s this?” He slanted his attention to her.
She swayed at my side, tucking her head to the side as if she was suddenly struck with a rush of self-consciousness, clearly not immune to the charm that was this boy.
Poor girl.
I could hardly blame her.
“I’m Heidi.”
He glanced at me for clarification.
“Heidi’s dad…Kane…he works down at the surf shop. I help him out with her on Saturdays since school is out and the summer program is closed weekends.”
The smile he gave was slow and cautious. Searching. As if this boy knew and he was silently asking me if this was okay.
If I was okay.
I wished with all of me that the place I harbored for him, the place I’d kept like a safe haven, didn’t pulse with old affection.
I wished I didn’t want to edge forward and bury my nose in his skin, breathe him in the way I used to and confess to him that sometimes it still hurt so bad I wanted to fall to my knees.
I wished most I didn’t know he would chase some of it away when he pulled me into the harbor of his arms.
Instead, I forced a brittle smile and squeezed Heidi’s hand.
Not exactly sure who I was trying to reassure.
He directed the full power of his presence on her and dropped to a knee. “Hey there, beautiful. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Austin.”
My insides quaked. The easygoing, confident side of this gorgeous, mysterious boy was completely unrecognizable. Here was a man who’d shed his shy, wary skin.
Heidi giggled and swayed some more, all coy and cute. “Nice to meet you, too,” she said, peeking up at me as if seeking approval.
When I didn’t pull her away, Heidi reached out and ran her little fingers through the stuffed bear’s fur. “Who’s that for?” she asked. “It’s really big. Is it for someone’s birthday? I like birthdays.”
A soft smile danced on his full lips. Though something about it felt sad, hinting at sorrow. “This right here?”
Her nod was emphatic.
“This bear is for my niece. Her name’s Kallie. You actually remind me of her a little bit, back when she was your age. I haven’t gotten to see her in a real long time, so I wanted to send her something to let her know I’m thinking about her.”
Niece?
My brain tried to process the fact of what he was saying, and the question was slipping out, making itself known before I could stop it, the words raw. “You have a niece?”
My head shouted a thousand questions. How? When? Was it even possible?
Austin straightened. Discomfort slithered through him as he met the confusion I knew was so clearly written on my face, as if maybe he understood he was broaching a topic so incredibly difficult for me.
As if he knew how hard it was to stand here and face my past that I’d tried to run so far from, too weak to stand or stay. Now I stood in the dark, a stranger to my family and friends who had become nothing more than a distant, foggy dream.
Wistfully, he shook his head. “How much back home did you keep up with, Edie?”
My laughter was fragile. “You know I didn’t.”
After I’d left, I’d sent one pathetic, excuse of a letter to Ash. Purposefully leaving off a return address with the hopes it would sever the last connection to the past I could no longer cope with.
In effect, I’d cut off my brother.
My parents.
My home.
My Austin.
But I had to, because severing my connection with them meant I was snipping that last tie to him. Being in the same city had been something I could no longer entertain. Hatred fisted in my belly, and I pushed it down, aside, because the last thing I wanted was to give him more air time in my thoughts.
He’d already stolen so much.
Because of him I’d completely left behind those I loved.
I hadn’t dared keep in touch. It’d hurt too much to look back and know I was no longer a part of their world that had grown to unfathomable heights.
The success of Sunder had exploded while I’d hid out in this safe, quiet, secluded town in Northern California.
It was easiest just to leave it all in the past and pretend as if I didn’t miss it. Them. As if there wasn’t this gaping hole in my soul reminding me of everything I’d lost.
Regret tweaked at just one side of Austin’s mouth, carrying his own loss. Yet somehow it was still awed and filled with love. Just the longing in his expression was enough to weaken my knees and my resolve and the fortress I tried so desperately to keep erected around my heart.
God.
This shaky feeling took me over. I wanted to run and to stay. I wanted to hold on to the hurt and betrayal Austin had scored into my spirit and drop to my knees to offer him all the fragments that remained splintered inside.
They’d always belonged to him anyway.
He shook his head. “Baz is married.”
“You’re kidding me.” It came out on a breath, and I tried so hard to play it off as casual. As if there weren’t tears pricking at my eyes. Tried to stand there in front of the boy who knew me best and pretend it didn’t matter that these people who’d been a huge part of my life had moved on and grown and changed.
While I’d stayed the same.
Stuck.
Stagnant.
Stale.
His potent gaze absorbed it all, and there was no missing his own sorrow or the way he did his best to play it off, too.
“Can you believe that? It was right before I left L.A. Met an ex-country star who already had a little girl.”
Reverent disbelief seemed to subtly shake his head. “Swooped the two of them up faster than any of us could make sense of it. They have a little boy now, too. Connor. Getting ready to turn two.”
My throat suddenly felt tight, the weight pressing down on my chest almost too much to bear. I squeezed Heidi’s hand and forced a bright smile. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for him.”
“Yeah. Me, too. Deserves it more than anyone I know.”
My own eyes traced and learned, taking in the way his Adam’s apple bobbed heavily against his thick throat.
“Haven’t even met him yet,” Austin admitted quietly.
I tried to keep my voice from trembling as I drifted in Austin’s unease. Knowing I was prying. Diving into deep waters where I wasn’t certain I could swim. “Why haven’t you met him, Austin?”
He’d told me he’d been gone for three years. I guess I hadn’t really calculated what that meant or what it might have cost.
His own demons flickered across his face, a mask of fury and shame, that bright, beautiful boy sinking into the depths of his misery I was certain had cast him out of that world, too.
Where Austin would forever drown.
This boy who’d allowed me to dip my toes into the frigid waters of his torment. Never allowing me all the way in.
His own secrets and shame so profound.
“Don’t know, Edie. It’s…hard.”
My mouth curved, a wistful tug at the corner of my bottom lip. “I get it. You don’t have to explain.”
Time danced around us. Threatening to pull us into the past or thrust us into the future.
Because in the end, Austin and I had always been so much the same.
I shook myself off, blinked away the tears. “Tell me about everyone else.”
Incredulous laughter rolled from him, and he widened his eyes, clearly getting ready to spill on the best kind of gossip, like maybe this topic was a reprieve. “So get this…Lyrik? Dude’s married. Has a baby on the way.”
My mouth dropped open. “No way.”
Lyrik West was the biggest, baddest player I knew. With the exception of maybe my brother.
Austin nodded. “Yeah way. Can you believe that?”
“No. I really can’t.” I forced the most joking grin onto my mouth, pretending as if I was only playing along, as if he told me otherwise it wouldn’t just about be the final straw that wrecked me. “Tell me Ash isn’t married, too.”
Grey eyes flashed. Knowing and kind and so onto me.
As if I could ever keep a secret from him.
“Nah…as far as I know, your brother is still tearing up the countryside, laying siege to every city he visits. Poor girls don’t know what hit them. The boy just loves to spread the love around, doesn’t he?”
Playfully, I pressed my hand over my heart. “Some things never change.”
Those eyes washed over me. Soft, seductive, and sweet. God. He was going to be my ruin. “Yeah, you’re right, Edie. Some things never change.”
Heidi giggled, dragging me from the spell Austin Stone had me under. “I need to find a dress for my doll…remember?”
I squeezed her hand, my voice a raspy whisper. “Yeah, baby, I remember.” I looked back to Austin. “So…we…ah…better go. We’re going to find something fun for Heidi and then grab lunch and ice cream…maybe even hit the park if we have time, aren’t we, Heidi?”
I struggled to inject some excitement into my tone.
“Yep, yep! Ice cream is my favorite, and chocolate is my favorite, favorite. I can have chocolate, right?”
“Of course you can,” I whispered.
Austin’s expression shifted. Waffling on what to say. I could see it, the way his jaw worked and he looked to the ground.
Tension grew thick. Filling up the space.
This magnetic boy blindfolding me with all his dark.
He took a slow step forward. “Go to dinner with me, Edie.”
Apprehension slicked through my veins, and my tongue darted out to wet my dry lips. “That’s a really bad idea.”
Just a week ago, I was running from him like I’d seen a phantom. A dark, dark obsession.
And here he was…pushing a step closer. Encroaching and enclosing.
And I was letting him.
Damn. Damn. Damn. How could he do this to me?
“And why’s that?” he countered.
I almost scoffed.
I could give him a thousand reasons, but he already knew every single one of them.
“You know why, Austin. I’m not…”
Ready enough.
Strong enough.
Brave enough.
I want to trust you. I just don’t know if I can.
Those eyes dimmed, and his voice deepened. “I just want to know you again. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.” The words left me on a tremor.
God. Had I just admitted that aloud? But was I really that surprised, that this enigmatic man could pluck the truth from me without my permission?
“Come on, Edie. It’s just dinner between friends.”
Right.
Something sly worked its way into his expression, the confident side of this boy I didn’t know, and he turned his regard to Heidi who was hopping from foot to foot at my side. “Heidi, tell Edie here that she has to go to dinner with me. Tell her she’s going to break my heart if she turns me down. My fragile ego can’t handle it.”
Heidi looked up at me with wide, horrified eyes. “Don’t break his heart, Edie. That’s not very nice. We’re always s’posed to be nice. Remember?”
I pressed my palm to my forehead, feeling the heat, this steady burn that lit up in my veins, tugging and tugging and tugging.
Pulling me toward the boy who had been my biggest downfall.
Austin slanted his gaze my way, all the heaviness from the moment before gone. Vanished. In its place was an expression that was every kind of manipulative and the most dangerous combination of cocky and cute. “She’s right, Edie. We’re always supposed to be nice.”
Why did he make me this way?
Giddy and hopeful and excited.
And completely, profoundly terrified.
The same conflict he’d always incited in me roared.
“I shouldn’t.”
He took another step forward, so close I breathed him in.
Something masculine.
Spicy and a little bit sweet.
Intoxicating.
I had the urge to bury my nose in his neck. Or maybe in the collar of his shirt.
Memories assaulted me.
The smell of fresh laundry stretched across his hard body.
Warmth.
Security.
A rush of dizziness spun through my head.
His rough voice covered me whole. “You most definitely should.”
I shook my head again. But this time it was in surrender.
Austin knew it too.
He knelt down to Heidi’s level and pushed his fist out her direction. “Score. We make a great team, little one.”
She bumped him back, making a little exploding noise as he did the same. “Score!” she squealed.
Oh God.
What had I agreed to?
And why?
Austin straightened to his full towering height.
Dominating comfort.
“I’ll pick you up at seven,” he said.
“Austin.”
It was a final plea.
One he totally ignored with the arrogant, self-assured smirk that lit on his face. “Seven.”
He walked backward, the big bear tucked to his side, his grin so wide while my heart completely thundered out of control.
What was I doing? What was I doing?
This had to be one of the most reckless things I’d ever done.
This, and trusting him in the first place.
He gave Heidi a little salute, before he spun on his heel and began to walk away. He rounded the end of the aisle then paused just before he disappeared from sight. He leaned back to catch my gaze.
“Oh, and Edie?”
“Yeah?”
“Gonna make sure you don’t regret this. Not again. Not this time.”
I swallowed around the knot in my throat. I could only pray he was right.