Age Eighteen
Music blared from the speakers. The house in the Hills was packed.
Overflowing with bodies just wanting to be seen.
Sunder had played tonight.
For the first time ever, it was to a sold out stadium.
Seemed overnight, droves of people were salivating at the mouth, dying to get a taste of what the boys in the band had to offer.
Wanting to bite off a chunk for themselves.
Fucking vultures.
It made me itchy.
Ill at ease.
I drifted around the outskirts of the mayhem, the way I always did, keeping to myself.
The two things that used to draw me down to the unending parties? They no longer seemed a temptation. Not the lines cut on the table in the den or the half-dressed women hanging on whichever guy they could sink their claws into.
Didn’t want any of that anymore.
I’d made Edie a promise.
I’d promised her I’d keep my nose and my body clean, because the thought of me slipping back into that mess was more than she could bear.
You’re too good for that, she’d begged me in the night. Washing me in a well of that sweet, sweet confidence and steadfast belief when I’d confided in her some of the shit I’d gotten myself into. The chaos and turmoil. My quick stumble right down the rabbit hole. So fucking young, I’d followed that dark, dark path with the rest of the guys.
For a lot of years, it seemed the only direction any of us could go.
You’d think that once everyone had kicked, this shit wouldn’t be going down right out in the open in the Sunder house. But there it was, that temptation right under our noses, the seedy glitz that seemed to go hand and hand with this lifestyle spread out like a buffet.
Any of us could just reach out and gorge ourselves on it.
Feeling suddenly swept along the floor.
Fueling and feeding.
Coming faster and faster.
Drawn, I looked up. My gaze snagged on the only one I wanted to see.
My favorite secret.
From across the room, Edie cast me a shy, sly smile. She dropped her head just as fast as she’d glanced, turned back to whatever her crazy-ass brother was spouting to her.
The guy was larger than life.
Loved living big.
Out loud.
One tattooed arm was slung around some chick, the other gesturing wild as he told a story that was probably nothing more than a tall tale.
Damn, did I ever want to be close enough to hear.
Okay. So that was an outright lie.
I wanted to be by her.
I wanted to be by the girl I was having a damned hard time not reaching out and touching. But that would be exposing us. And since the whole us thing was already such a muddled, complicated mess, I knew that wouldn’t be the best thing.
Best thing?
It was that this girl was out of her room.
Smiling.
Showing her face when before she’d always tried to hide.
What the hell could it hurt to say hi?
Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I strolled her direction, as casual as could be while some kind of frenzy sparked inside of me.
She cut her gaze to the floor, so sweet and shy, chewed at her lip as I approached.
Even then, there was no missing the way her body twitched the closer I came.
Needing me the way I needed her.
And that need?
It just kept growing and growing.
Strong and overpowering.
Life and light.
Gripping me everywhere.
Ash grinned like a fool. “Well, well, well. Looks like we have another Stone who wants to come out and play.”
He smirked at me, tightened the arm he had looped around the back of the chick’s neck. “Darlin’, why don’t you go grab a friend or two? Introduce them to my boy Austin here.”
He jutted his chin my direction, all smiles and tease. “Dude looks like he could use a little company.”
Edie flinched.
I was sure no one else noticed.
But I sure as fuck did.
Without removing my hands from my front pockets, I lifted my elbows out. “Just fine, man. Don’t need you trying to hook me up. Pretty sure I do fine by myself.”
Blue eyes danced. “Ah. That you do. And tonight there are lovely ladies for miles, and all of them are beggin’ for a little fun. I’m all too glad to provide it, but I’m not sure I can handle them all.”
I raised a brow. “Pretty sure you’d make a good go of it.”
He laughed. Loud. “Guess I just might.”
His gaze slanted toward his sister. “Since you’re down here, why don’t you keep an eye on Edie-girl for me?” His smirk twisted into an affectionate smile when he looked at her. “Prettiest girl in the whole house.”
Edie blushed the way she did.
Angel.
He turned his attention back to me, emphasizing the fact with a cock of his head. “Don’t need any of these fuckers trying to make a move on my baby sister. You know that shit’s not gonna fly.”
Damn right, it wouldn’t.
“Sure thing.” I said it like it didn’t matter. If he only knew his baby sister was the only reason I was down here.
I looked at her, into that ocean blue, feeling it swallow me whole. Taking me under.
“You want to go somewhere where it’s quiet?”
“Please.”
I started to walk backward, inclining my head back. “Let’s go out to the courtyard. It’s nice out there tonight.”
“I’d love that.”
We walked side by side into the kitchen, which was packed wall to wall. “I’ll grab us a couple waters. I’ll meet you out there.”
“Okay,” she said thankfully, because I knew she didn’t want to be stuffed in there with a shitton of people she didn’t know. She squeezed through the crush, white hair swishing around her as she made her way to the other side, quick to slink out the back door.
I said a couple of hellos, dug around in the fridge for waters, which was about the last thing most anyone wanted around here, before I was moving the direction Edie had gone.
I stepped out into the night. Huge trees grew tall and proud at the side of the massive house, stretching out to offer protection and shade, the party a raucous echo I was all too happy to leave behind.
I walked down the path to the small courtyard made up of hedged bushes and trimmed flowers secluded at the side of the house. Rays of moonlight slanted down to illuminate the space.
The air punched from my lungs when I saw Edie in the middle of it.
Chills skated my spine.
Licks of ice-cold flames.
My hand clenched down and the plastic bottles creaked, razors raking my throat when I attempted to swallow.
Paul towered over her, his head dipped down as he tried to get in her face, no doubt saying something vulgar.
Depraved.
Edie’s head was tipped down, turned away. Like she was trying to shrink into nothing.
The girl a prisoner to the undeserved shame.
Possessiveness surged and fire flamed through my veins.
Red blotted out my sight, and I dropped the bottles, hands fisted when I rushed toward her.
I felt myself coming unhinged when I finally got close enough to hear what he said.
“…only fair we go another round. You owe me, baby, don’t you think?”
His voice was saccharin sweet. Wicked and base.
Rage blistered and boiled. And I was there. Chin lifted as I tried to contain it all.
My favorite secret.
He glanced at me, dismissed me just as fast. “Kinda clear I’m busy here, don’t you think?”
I just stood there.
While it built and built.
The hatred for what he’d done.
For her anguish and sorrow.
For her loss I tried to hold every night.
The fact this bastard was the one who stood in our way.
He was the barrier to the happiness teasing us. So close, but so fucking far out of reach.
“Said fuck off, asshole.” With that, his voice came a little harder, and I stepped closer.
Just as he cinched a brutal hand around Edie’s wrist.
“Let her go.” It grated and rocked.
He laughed a mocking sound. “That’s not gonna happen. She and I have some unfinished business to take care of. Bitch owes me and she’s gonna pay.”
The violence simmering inside me exploded.
I surged forward. Pushed him in the chest with both hands. “She’s not going anywhere with you.”
Paul reeled back. Anger struck harsh lines into his disgusting face. “And it’s gonna be you who stops me?”
“Yeah, it is.”
I said it so cool.
Like I wasn’t a scrawny kid staring down a pissed-off full-grown man. But the man I wanted to be was bursting at the seams. Flailing for a way out. To break free.
I’d fight for her.
Willingly.
To the death if that’s what it took.
“Austin.” My name was a plea from her mouth. It was a request I couldn’t quite grasp as I was pushing her behind me and wedging myself between them.
Paul chuckled low. Clearly it was then my intentions sunk in.
“Ah…isn’t that cute. Looks like someone has a crush.” He cocked his head, his tone pure insult. “Dumb kid willing to get his ass kicked for a worthless slut. She’s a nice lay, though, isn’t she?”
Slut.
It struck the air like a bolt of lightning.
An inciting fire.
Edie gasped with the blow of it.
My angel.
I flew at him.
A flashfire of fists and hate and curses from my tongue.
Paul struck me.
It was a direct blow to my chin that nearly knocked me from my feet.
My head rocked back.
It didn’t matter the pain nearly split me in two.
I fought back.
Attacking with everything I had. “I will kill you, motherfucker. You used her…knocked her up, you piece of shit. You didn’t even fucking care. I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you.”
I caught him up high on the cheekbone.
The skin split, and he stumbled back, wiped the blood gushing from the cut I’d inflicted. “I took advantage of her? Little sluts like her are all the same. Crying wolf for a few extra bucks like the whore she is. Probably wasn’t even pregnant.”
Blinding.
The rage.
The hate.
Didn’t give two fucks he was bigger than me.
He was going to pay.
If it was the last thing I did, he was going to pay.
I kicked and punched as a mumbled disorder of words tumbled from my bitter tongue.
“Wasn’t pregnant? You ignorant piece of shit. She had her. She had her. She had to give her away. Do you have any idea what that did to her. Do you have any idea?”
The words were as jagged as my breaths.
The stars and sky spun in a kaleidoscope of madness.
The agonizing violence that couldn’t be sated.
The love I had for this girl excruciating.
Edie suddenly wailed.
A cry so deep it penetrated the fury.
She was buckled in two when I turned to look at her.
Her gaze was on me.
Broken.
Betrayed.
“You….you told him? He was never supposed to know. How could you…how could you?” She backed away, clutching her middle. The spot where her daughter had been.
Paul froze, then inched forward. “What the fuck did he say? You tellin’ me there’s a fucking kid out there who might be mine?”
He flew in, dipped down where he spit the words toward her horror-stricken face. “That what he’s saying? That someday I’m gonna have some snivelin’ kid show up, knockin’ at my door, claiming I’m their long lost daddy?”
Edie choked over her tears. Head between her shoulders. Trying to hide.
Shame.
Fear slicked my flesh.
Clammy and cold.
What did I do? What did I do?
Always taking the good things I was given and destroying them before they got the chance to grow.
“Edie,” I whispered.
“Fucking stupid whore. You get paid for that, too? How much did you get for her? Tell me.”
“Edie,” I begged.
She wasn’t even looking at Paul when he lashed and spewed appalling words from his mouth.
She was staring at me in disbelief.
I could feel it, that hope sucked out into the open air. Dissipating like the trust I’d just crushed. A whirlwind beaten and stirred with the fury. Colliding and crashing until there was nothing left.
I stood there as she fled back into the house. I fisted my hands in my hair. Trying to breathe.
Paul spit toward the ground. Pointed at me. “This isn’t over.”
My voice was deathly quiet. “You can go to hell.”
He scoffed out a laugh, before he took off, tossing the casual words over his shoulder. “We’ll see about that.”
I paced.
Wondering just how I was going to make this right. Knowing I couldn’t have said anything worse.
That I’d wounded her in a way she couldn’t afford.
Five minutes later, I heard the front door slam.
I didn’t know why. I just knew. I just fucking knew.
I ran around to the front of the house.
Edie had a big bag slung over her shoulder, her arms crossed over her chest and her head dropped in humiliation as she trudged up the cobbled drive.
“Edie,” I whispered the plea, before it turned frantic when she wouldn’t look back at me.
“Edie.”
She started to run.
“Edie, wait, please, wait.”
She flung around, her hand a fist over her heart. Torment flowed from her mouth. “I can’t believe you would do this to me. After everything I trusted you with. Just…stay out of it. Stay out of my life and my business because I can’t trust you. Don’t make this any worse than you already did.”
A cab pulled up at the corner, and she sprinted away from me.
I fought to get to her.
To stop her.
She jumped in and slammed the door shut, her hands shaking as she fumbled to lock it right as I got there. She kept her head down, that halo of white covering her face, refusing to look at me.
“Edie!” I screamed. I banged at the window. “Edie!”
The car accelerated, and I ran into the street behind it as it pulled away.
Tearing away the last good piece of me.
“Edie, please!” I screamed at the night.
Please.
“Wait.”
Torment wound and wound. That hollow place had come alive with the sour taste of death.
I shouldn’t have been surprised.
That’s what I did.
I took the good and I destroyed it. Crushed it in my hands.
Bitterness burned through my blood.
A hopeless mayhem.
“Leave at five,” Baz warned. He was stuffing a bunch of shit in his bag, my brother packing for the last leg of their Divided Tour, one that would take us to six more cities.
This had been the tour that had defined them as a band.
The one that had given them fame.
Fortune.
But had it been worth it?
Because it was also the tour that had stolen Mark. The tour that had scored us in misery.
Of course, that had been before I’d seen the light.
Had been blinded by it, really.
Because now it felt like I was stumbling around in a pitch-black darkness. Knowing it would never end. That I was never gonna be okay. That my past, my mistakes, were always going to be right there waiting to catch up to me.
Julian. Julian. Julian.
His presence curled around me like wisps and vapors. Mocking me for my naivety. For the foolish belief that maybe, just maybe, I could find happiness.
That I could be good for someone. Give something back rather than take, take, take.
I bit back a resentful sound.
Because I had.
I’d found it.
Edie.
Then I’d turned right around and destroyed it.
“Got it,” I returned. Didn’t give two fucks where the roads led because I knew I’d only ever travel one direction.
Down.
But I had one last thing to do before I finally gave it up.
No one even noticed when I grabbed my brother’s keys or when I took the fat wad of cash from the safe. Not when I showed up at that ghetto apartment, dealt the deal I knew would seal the asshole’s fate, and sure as hell not when I snuck to his shithole house.
Kneeling behind his car, the pitted ground dug into my knees. I was quick to twist the screws holding on his license plate.
I tossed it behind a bush.
This isn’t over.
His words rolled through me. The threat to my girl. One I was going to erase.
I held my breath when I slipped into his car and planted the baggies beneath his seat.
I dug around for a place to leave the note. For one unlucky bastard, it seemed I was full of it today, because the dumbass’s wallet was hidden in the middle console. I slid the note between a five and a ten.
Three hundred dollars. Three hundred dollars more than you’re worth. But hey, sometimes you have to pay the bitch.
And sometimes payback is the bitch.
Only solace I took in all of it was knowing when he saw the note, he’d know it was me, the words he’d so viciously cast at Edie repeated with a special fuck you just from me tacked on the end. My own little sayonara to send him on his way.
I hoped with every hope I had left that this would be enough to send the bastard straight to hell.
Maybe then he’d burn there with me.
I’d waited all day for the opportunity. Finally had it when the asshole had run back into his house like he’d needed to grab something. Like he was immune to all the world’s consequences, he’d left his car idling in the drive.
One second.
One moment.
One mistake.
I guess that really was all it took.
From behind a wall, I watched him get in his car and throw it in reverse, pull out onto the street, and disappear at the end intersection.
I’d promised her I’d protect her.
And I was doing it the only way I knew how.
Five hours later, I stumbled onto the Sunder bus.
Fucking lost.
Hopeless.
Unable to breathe.
The guys filed off at the venue. Pumped for their show. Having no clue the devastation I’d caused.
I waited until they were gone before I broke into the cubby where I knew Mark had kept his dealer’s number.
I texted for some oxies.
Anything to numb the pain.
To blot it out.
Desperate for the darkness.
Because after you stood in the light?
You no longer knew how to live without it.