Nick sat on the edge of the cliff with his legs dangling off.

It wasn’t a far drop but he still wasn’t completely sure he was allowed to be out here. Even the beach below was empty.

He didn’t blame the beach. He felt a little empty, too.

His phone was in the junker, still nearly dead. He’d plugged it into the cigarette lighter outlet and got the battery loaded a little but not enough that it was worth bringing with him. He’d driven as far as he could get from Joel’s house and still be in Mendocino.

His chest ached with a steady rhythm that he thought might be the new way his heart beat.

He buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply. He knew, technically, it wasn’t that big of a deal. He’d known Joel for three days now. That wasn’t very long at all.

But the three days had been—intense. He had never met another person that he felt so instantly connected to. He’d never felt like he was—

Well, he wasn’t the missing piece in that family. He knew that. He wasn’t even a piece in the family at all, let alone the one that would fit perfectly. Even if it sometimes felt like that.

He had wanted to go on this trip and find himself. He wanted to find the thing inside of himself that would make life—just more.

It was a tall order to ask from a road trip, Nick knew. But when he was with them—it almost felt like he had found it.

Nick had always wanted a family. It had never been such a present, aching want than it was since he’d found the family that he did want.

Nick looked at the ocean.

The water was clear and still. The small, tiny disturbances were pretty from this far away, no danger in watching how it rippled and split to let more water through.

It was clear blue and peaceful. He understood why people said the sea called for them, why they felt the water was where they were meant to be.

But he understood the other side now, too.

He felt a little like he was trapped underneath the waves, despite how hard he struggled or fought against the crushing weight of the water, he couldn’t break through. He could feel the salt against his skin and feel the bubbles in his lungs and all he wanted was to find shore.

He wanted to crawl to the sand and breathe in the air and feel like maybe, finally, he was home.

Nick laid back on the grassy cliff. The sun was bright above him and beamed down as if it was in his favor. He had never felt less like the universe was on his side as he did then, entirely alone.

Nick spent nearly the whole day there, eyes closed and breathing deeply in the ocean air. He laid against the cooling earth, and he thought.

He understood, in objective terms, why Joel didn’t want him.

He understood that he was a transient, a random person that was only in town for a little bit before running back to the bar and the wheat fields and the okay but empty life that waited for him in Kansas. He understood that Janie had already solidified some sort of relationship with him, that trust had been built so instantaneously that the idea of the little girl not being in his life ached with the assuredness of a wound. He knew that if he was to press any closer to her or Joel, the break he’d make would hurt. If he hurt this much now, how much would they hurt later? He understood, as well, how confusing that might be, if Janie knew the confusion that was between him and her dad. He knew Joel had to put Janie first. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

But is that really all there is? A small part of him betrayed the rational part that was trying so hard to take over.

Yes, there was Janie to consider, and yes, Nick was leaving in a few days, and yes, there was a baker’s dozen reasons why they shouldn’t be together.

But did any of that matter when Joel made Nick feel—happy? No one made him laugh quite like that, and no one kissed like that. No one made him feel quite as useful just by standing there.

It was something under his skin that told him Joel was important. Something inside his chest that begged him to try, try harder, and try again.

He couldn’t explain the desperation scratching and clawing at him. But he could feel it. And when Joel kissed him—when his eyes bore into Nick’s—well, Nick was pretty sure that Joel felt it, too.

Surely that mattered. Surely Joel couldn’t shove all that down and pretend like it meant something.

He was a hard man to read and Nick didn’t pretend like after a few days he could do it expertly. But—he knew that Joel felt this, too. He had to.

The sun started to creep down closer to the horizon. He could feel his bare skin start to prickle with goosebumps as the air cooled. Reluctantly, Nick sat up, groaning as his muscles and bones stretched for the first time in hours.

He had spent nearly the whole day lying there, just thinking the same circular thoughts over and over again. At least, considering he’d slept till noon, it hadn’t been a full day’s worth of vacation.

Nick climbed the path back to where he’d left the junker. He slid in and turned the key, checking that his phone was charging as he drove as slow as he legally could on his route back to Joel’s.

Sorrow bore its way down into his bones on the drive. He was going to tell Janie goodbye and make sure she had his cell number, and he was going to not tell Joel that all of this was a terrible mistake, and then he was going to leave. He had to.

He turned the radio up nearly as loud as it could go, wincing at its horrible volume, and let the too-loud music drive out the much more painful thoughts.

He drove for a half a mile before his head was pounding too hard to focus.

Nick stopped the car a little too abruptly, waving out the window to the honking Chevy behind him. It drove past, the driver glaring at him, and Nick waited until it was out of sight to roll his eyes. He shut off the engine and hopped out of the car, going into the bakery.

Janie had a chemistry test today, he was pretty sure. She either did great or terrible, as he was pretty sure she wouldn’t have done a half-ass job of it. He found the most decadent, chocolate-y looking cake that could be purchased for under fifteen bucks and let himself get talked into adding a special, icing “Good Job/Sorry Janie!” on the top. It cost an extra five dollars but it made him laugh and he thought Janie would appreciate it. If this was the last time he was going to see Janine, he kind of wanted it to stick out in her memory. First meeting, saving her from drowning. Last, a lot of chocolate that her dad had not pre-approved.

He grinned. Suck it, Joel.

He carefully sat the cake in the front seat, knocking the empty water bottles off so it would sit perfectly still. If the icing got fucked up, it would ruin the whole joke.

After it was secured, he flipped back on the engine. He hesitated with his hands above the wheel when his phone buzzed. He unplugged it from the outlet and grabbed it.

He had roughly thirty billion texts from his group chain and even without opening them he knew half would be theories about how he had suddenly and mysteriously died on this trip, since he hadn’t answered his phone in a day.

He scrolled past all the text notifications, only hesitating when he saw one from Joel’s number. It was dated from two hours ago.

Janie asks that you be home for dinner. We’re making a baked chicken.

Nick hated how his heart sped up. He ignored it, but only because he was ten minutes from their house anyway.

He scrolled farther until he found two missed calls from his mother.

She picked up on the second ring. “Nick Jones, I have half a mind to kill you!”

He sighed. “Hello to you, too, Mom.”

“How dare you drive to California and not call me? I had to stop by Peter’s restaurant just to hear from Drew of all people that you were staying at a strange man’s house!”

Nick rolled his eyes. “You like Drew, Mom.”

“He’s surly.”

“He’s hilarious,” Nick corrected. “And I am sorry.”

She hummed, the sound pleased. “I forgive you.” He waited. As expected, she only waited a half second in the silence before barreling forward. “So, dish. Tell me about everything!”

Nick laughed. Some of the tightness in his chest was unfurling already.

He really did love his mom. She was a sweet woman and definitely one of his best friends, no matter how embarrassing that was for him to admit as a grown man. But there were some things his mom didn’t need to know.

He give her the PG rated version of his last few days. When he finished, another fifteen minutes had passed and his mom was humming thoughtfully.

“I would have liked to meet this Janie girl,” she said eventually.

Nick’s stomach fell and grief warred with joy. “Me, too,” he said.

His head had started to pound and he needed to get home before the cake’s icing melted into an indistinguishable chocolate lump. He told his mom as much. “I’ll call you,” he promised.

“You better. I love you, Nicky.”

He smiled. “Love you, too, Mom.”

He hung up and sighed, leaning his head on the headrest. The idea of his mom and Janie hanging out—they would definitely play pranks on Joel and gossip with Nick until Joel made them all go to bed—was such an appealing image that he instantly felt homesick for it.

He drove back to Joel’s slowly. He felt like he was already gone when he got there.

The door swung open before he could knock and the sight of Janie grinning up at him eased some of the knots in his shoulders.

“Nicolas!” She greeted, a declaration. “Ah, welcome home!”

His heart seized. His smile felt watery. “Little Janine,” he tried to copy her tone. “I come bearing a gift!”

She squealed and he laughed. Her bad mood from yesterday seemed to have evaporated. She grabbed his free hand and tugged him inside. He laughed again and she joined in with her small giggle, allowing him to shut the door behind him before continuing her dragging quest.

She threw him to the couch and he nearly dropped the cake. “Whoa!” he said, barely getting his balance back. “Hey, man!”

Janie rolled her eyes. “What is that?”

“A surprise,” he told her, covering the top of the cake with his torso. He curled around it protectively while she tried to fight her way through him to get to it. He laughed, probably too loudly, every time she poked him in the side. Every time she realized she was tickling him she laughed evilly and continued. “Stop, stop!”

She did not relent until Joel’s voice floated through the room. “What is going on here?”

Janie and Nick both froze, eyes locked on one another as they considered their options.

“He started it!” Janie cried at the same time that Nick straightened up and said deadpan, “Your daughter is attacking me.”

Nick almost passed out at the sight of him. After a full day fantasizing about the man, and after literally having his dick in his mouth that morning, he would have thought that Joel’s hotness would have worn off.

Instead, he had changed from his loose linen outfit to tight jeans and a t-shirt that was stretched thin across his broad shoulders, and his jaw was covered in what was too dark to be considered a five o’clock shadow. He looked twice as good as he had when Nick left and he felt like the universe was definitely punishing him for something.

Joel looked between them. Then he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Children,” he said slowly. “Settle down.”

Janie peeled away and went over to Joel. She hugged him around the waist and turned her head until she was looking right at Nick, smirking. “Sorry, Daddy.”

Nick scoffed while Joel melted immediately. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

Nick shook his head when Janie smiled wickedly at him. He heaved himself up from the couch and walked past the hugging pair to the kitchen.

“Janie, go get ready for dinner,” Joel said. Nick sat the cake on the counter as she scurried away.

“Hi.” Damn, he wished his voice had come out louder or stronger or something other than a pathetic whisper. He kept his eyes trained on the spot on the wall next to Joel’s head. Even in his peripheral, the man nearly tempted Nick to throw it all to hell and beg another kiss off of hm. “I got Janie a cake.”

He could see a blurry version of Joel frown and lean closer, stretching to look at the cake. Nick couldn’t help it when his gaze snapped into focus on Joel’s lips when he smiled that wide, rare gummy smile.

“She’ll love it.” He said.

Nick swallowed. He cleared his throat. “No nuts.”

Joel nodded. Nick wished the earth would open up and swallow him whole.

“So I’ll just leave after dinner.” Nick said finally, unable to maintain the silence. It felt deafening. Joel’s head snapped towards Nick and he looked at him hard enough that Nick was surprised it wasn’t a glare.

“You’re leaving tonight?”

Nick’s jaw fell a little. “Isn’t that what you want?”

“I—I mean—”

“What? What do you mean?” Nick cut him off. He could feel his blood start to pump faster, his head starting to fill with the heady feeling of anger. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be the one that was mad, the one that was being torn in a thousand different directions.

He wanted to be nice. He wanted to remember that this guy didn’t owe him anything, remember that he was just trying to protect his family, that Nick was here as a guest. He wanted to remember that he wasn’t the kind of guy that yelled and got angry and fought.

But then, Nick had never been the kind of guy who had something worth fighting for before.

Joel cocked his head, drawing his eyebrows together. He was giving Nick that same, searching look. Instead of filling him with calm, it burned.

“You don’t get to do that,” Nick hissed, quietly. He didn’t know when Janie was going to be back in the room. “You don’t get to jerk me around!”

The mask on Joel’s face broke. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open. “I wasn’t.”

“You pull away,” Nick bit out fast. “And then you kiss me and you let me—and then you tell me we can’t be like that. You tell me to stay. You tell me to come back here.”

He was breathing too heavy, the air feeling wrong and thin in his lungs. Joel looked as he’d been punched.

“I—I am trying very hard to accept your reasons,” Nick said, slowly, as he tried to calm his erratic heartbeat. “I am trying to respect that. But you aren’t the only one who has reasons why this won’t work.” Nick titled his head up and stared at Joel as hard as he could. “You aren’t the only one who wants this anyway.”

* * *

Joel’s silence slid across Nick’s chest like knives. When he broke it, so did Nick’s skin. “Maybe you are the only one, though.”

Pain shot through his arms and legs, pinpricks as if he’d slammed on the ground after jumping from too high up. He felt the air rush out of his lungs and he leaned closer, feeling heady and harsh in every breath.

“I wouldn’t be,” the words tumbled out, too fast and too bitter to get be stopped by a clenching throat and clashing teeth, “if you would stop viewing everything good in your life as an affront to your dead wife.”

Nothing. Two identical shocked, sucked in breaths, two heads recoiling away from each other. Nick felt guilt fill him to his brim as he watched fury fill Joel to his.

“Get out,” Joel said, voice low and firm. This wasn’t a mask but layers underneath. The bright, fiery blue in his eyes and the hard press of his lips, a jaw locked so tight it must be hurting—Joel took a step towards Nick and shoved his chest, just lightly. “Get out.”

Nick stumbled, tripping over his feet as he rushed towards the door.

He heard it slam behind him and his shaking hands barely stilled enough to get the key in the ignition.

His own cruel words bounced around his head, each time becoming angrier and angrier, the words morphing into the cruelest version of themselves as he drove far, far away.

He passed the sign that thanked him for visiting Mendocino and kept driving.