Joel felt his pulse in his throat.

It threatened to choke him. It was climbing up his throat and pounding, pounding on the walls and he was ready to just throw it all to hell and drink the pulsating quiet.

His lips burned with phantom pressure, beating with a pulse that wasn’t his own. His fingers itched and he could practically feel silky, curly strands in between them.

The kiss played over and over again, constant and deafening.

He slammed his hands into the soapy dish water, some of the water splashing up and hitting him in the chest. He reached around and scrubbed vigorously at a plate that didn’t need it.

Nick’s face—God, he had looked so surprised. With a bright blush highlighting his freckles and his big, swollen lips parted and spread in a gorgeous smile, it had been enough to knock all the air out of Joel’s lungs.

But then—

Joel’s head hurt and his heart hurt a little, too.

It had been a long time since Joel had kissed someone.

There had been a few people, since Angela, but never more than once. He had tried a few times to “get back out there” and try to heal in the way all the movies said he should. But there had never been anyone who peaked his interest. There had never been anyone quick enough to adapt to Janie, kind enough to handle the idea of her, let alone her actual self and tantrums. There hadn’t been anyone who made him laugh. There hadn't been any kisses he wished hadn’t ended.

His hands were trembling in the water.

Joel didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

He didn’t do this. He didn’t go around kissing people and wishing that it hadn’t ended. He didn’t go around kissing people, period. He was a single widower and he was okay with that, had always been okay with that. He couldn’t just go around inviting strange men to his house and putting his tongue in their mouths.

And Joel had never kissed another man. The hands that had been in his hair had been strong, the fingers thick and nails blunt as they scraped against his scalp—his jaw was sharp and there had been stubble on his cheeks that brushed against Joel’s. It was an entirely new sensation and Joel wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

He thought he wanted more kisses to try to find out.

He pushed the thought away with a violent shove against the plate in the sink. He shouldn’t be thinking these things. He shouldn’t be kissing random men! And with his daughter in the next room—

God, Janie could have walked in.

Guilt slammed through him. He felt as if he was standing in the middle of the ocean, letting the waves crash against him again and again while he struggled to stay upright.

Joel’s stomach churned. He felt sick.

It was a month until the five year anniversary of his wife’s death and he was letting strange men stay in his home, cook for his daughter, kiss him—he should be spending his time with Janie, making sure she was okay. He should be thinking about ways to make things better between them, trying to come up with solutions for her bad attitude and school record, and instead, he was making out on the floor of his living room like he was the goddamn teenager.

Joel fingers slipped and the plate fell to the bottom of the sink loudly.

He winced and took it out, rinsing the soap suds off. His hands were shaking when he laid it in the drying rack.

He turned the tap off and leaned his elbows on the counter. Joel squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe evenly.

He was supposed to be doing a lot of things and developing feelings for a man who was only in town on a whim, for God knows how long, who was a stranger—he shouldn’t be doing this.

Joel started when he heard hushed voices coming from the hallway.

He hadn’t noticed before, when the faucet was on, but now he could hear it clearly. Janie and Nick were talking.

Son of a bitch, he thought, grabbing a dish towel and quickly drying his hands as he walked towards the hallway. Nick wasn’t supposed to be here. He shouldn’t be kissing Joel in the living room and talking to Janie in her bedroom. He was a fluke, a chance encounter, and now he was in their lives and he wasn’t supposed to be here.

But despite that, he apparently was in his daughter’s bedroom a few minutes after making out with him. Joel didn’t know what exactly he was feeling, but it tasted like energy and made him want hit Nick. He just wasn’t sure if it was with his fist or his lips.

Joel stopped at Janie’s door when he heard Nick’s voice, low and sure, through the wood.

“—that’s really unfair. We’re allowed to be sad. It was okay when I got upset because it did suck that I didn’t have a dad. But you know what made it better?”

Joel stood frozen, hands still tightly gripping the dish towel. His heart fell to the pit of his stomach as he connected the dots of what Nick wasn’t saying. He didn’t hear Janie reply but Nick’s voice picked back up, a smooth, detached staccato that Joel had to hold his breath to hear.

“I didn’t have a dad, but I had a great mom. My mom is so smart and nice and she’s always there for me. She really loves me a lot. You know who she reminds me of? Your dad. He’s a real good guy. And it really sucks that you don’t have a mom anymore, I get that. You be as sad as you want and that’s okay. Just remember that you’re not alone and you have a dad who really, really loves you.”

Joel’s body deflated, suddenly and instantly devoid of energy.

His thoughts whirled in his head, a tidal pool too vicious and loud to be distilled into anything understandable.

His mind was going a thousand miles an hour and Joel was clinging on by a thread.

Joel didn’t know what to focus on: the fear like slick oil over his skin, unable to be washed away with the water, fear that knew right now, Janie was hanging on every word and he was powerless to make sure Nick knew that. Or maybe he’d focus on the guilt at not being the man that Janie talked to about this stuff, guilt that spread like a drop of ink in water.

“I’m glad you’re here, Nicolas.”

“I’m glad I’m here, too, Janine.”

Panic bubbled over and swallowed all the other emotions until it was all that remained.

Nick wasn’t supposed to be here and in a few days, he wouldn’t be. And then what? He could get over the easy thrill that the man incited in him, the way he made Joel laugh harder than he remembered, the way just looking at him woke things up that had been dormant so long they’d been pronounced dead. Joel knew it was the right thing to do to not push this something any further and he was going to be able to get used to the little sting he already knew Nick’s absence would bring. But Janie—

His Janie was a firecracker. She was harsh and quick and loving, so loving, and she’d reached out and grabbed Nick close when no one was looking. And in a few days, Nick was going to leave and go back to his real life, with his real friends and his family, and Janie didn’t deserve to go through the heartache of losing someone that she cared about. Not again. Not so close to—

He knew, logically, that he and Janie had only known Nick for a day. But already in that day, Joel knew that Nick had saved them—more than just sweeping Janie from the ocean. He had brought something to them they hadn’t known was missing, and Joel would be fine. But Janie—

Joel rushed away from the door when he heard Joel shuffle towards it. He made it back to the kitchen in time to see Nick carefully come out of the dark room and look between the hallway and front door.

His eyes froze on Joel.

Nick had one hand raised to the strap of his backpack while the other fell to his side. His t-shirt was pushed to the side a little with a wet spot near the collar. His hair was still a wild, nearly-straight-up mess. Joel’s fingers twitched.

Joel swallowed, hard, and wrapped his arms around himself. He could feel his body tremble beneath his arms.

Nick stared at him.

Joel had no idea if Nick found what he was looking for. He had no idea what he was looking for to begin with. He narrowed his gaze, darting his eyes across Nick’s face for a clue.

Nick nodded at him. Confused, Joel cocked his head.

Nick looked away first and Joel resigned himself to not knowing if he found what he was looking for in Joel’s expression.

Hopefully, there was nothing to be found.

Nick slunk away and went into the office.

Joel stumbled away and fell onto the couch when the door closed.

He looked at the remnants of the Monopoly game.

The night had been so good. The best that Joel could remember in a long time.

His whole body ached as if he’d just been in the fight of his life. It seemed to start inside his guts and spread out, a vicious disease that was going to leave him a void, waste of a body.

Nick’s lips had tasted something like hope. And Joel didn’t have room in his life, or Janie’s, for false hope.

Nick was going to be gone in a few days and he couldn’t let himself, or Janie, start thinking about things that wouldn’t ever happen. Just because Nick inexplicably showed up out of the blue like a knight in shining armor and made his daughter laugh and kissed like he was paid to do it—just because Nick was something like a dream didn’t mean that Joel didn’t have a real life to pay attention to, to work for. He couldn’t give into the daydreams. There was too much riding on the real life.

He ran his hands down his face, groaning into his palms.

He’d tell Nick in the morning he should probably find a hotel for the rest of his trip. He’d let him and Janie say goodbye and, yes, Janie would probably blame him and he’d be the bad guy for a little while. It would be that day in the principal’s office all over again, Janie a folded, angry mess and Joel too tired and unsure to do anything about it. But it would be better in the long run.

Already, Janie was turning to Nick for comfort, about Angela of all things, and Joel knew that Nick didn’t mean any harm. He could tell from the way he spoke to Janie that as much as she had responded to him after her near drowning, he had responded to her, too. Nick was a good man and Joel could tell that from the way he interacted with Janie. But regardless of his intentions, Janie was going to get attached.

Janie was going to get attached to him and Joel would just have to explain that a clean break now would be easier than him leaving in a week. Mendocino was Nick’s vacation away from reality; but for him and Janie, this was all they had. He wouldn’t let Nick come in with bright grins and broad shoulders and burn down the fragile paper house they had.

He would be kind. Polite. If he could just get Nick out of his home without further incident, maybe they could stay friends—Joel would like that. He liked texting with Nick, the way it felt to share parts of his day with someone else. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was until he wasn’t anymore.

You’ve tried to talk to plenty of people, a quiet part of himself reminded him, it’s only different because it’s Nick.

Which, okay. Joel could admit that was partially true. He did—enjoy Nick’s company. So if he could just be nice and put up the walls they needed, if he’d just leave his house, he could maybe text him every once in a while.

That same part of him pointed out that Joel wanted much more than friendship.

Joel ignored it.

It didn’t matter how much Joel wanted this. It didn’t matter that Joel hadn’t felt strong and wide open about someone since—it didn’t matter. Wanting someone wasn’t what was most important in his life.

He needed to put Janie first. He needed to remember that his daughter deserved more than to fall for someone who would leave. Janie loved so big, Joel was always afraid she was going to accidentally give her whole heart away one day without asking for anything in return. She was a dedicated little girl and Joel knew he wouldn’t always be able to protect her from who she invited into her life.

But he could protect her from who he invited. He wasn’t going to let her give her open little heart to this man who was going to leave them both.

And if he managed to protect his own heart while he was protecting Janie’s, well, that was just an added benefit.