The last thing I saw before I burst out into the night was my sister raising her phone to her ear, and I felt a strange twinge of resentment that she could take a call when everything was going so wrong. But I shoved that thought to the side and concentrated on finding Rachel.

"Where are you?" I bellowed, turning a circle in the middle of the parking lot. It was all shadows out here, the streetlights had yet to wink on. I heard footsteps and rushed off in the direction. "Rachel? Where the fuck are you? Are you... are you hiding from me?"

My answer was silence. I stopped and turned another frantic circle, savagely raking the hair back from my eyes. 

And then I heard a voice calling my name. A female voice.  

But it wasn't Rachel.

"Beau!" Claire was rushing across the parking lot right as the lights winked on, leaving her eyes in deep shadows that gave me chills for some reason. 

The reason was clear the second she reached me, out of breath and panicked.  "Finn!" she gasped. "Something's wrong with Finn!"

"What?" My head was still spinning with the need to find Rachel. 

Claire reached out and tugged me toward the car. "We have to get home, come on!"

And just for a second, I thought it might be possible to do both. I believed I could split myself in half and somehow be there for both the woman I loved and the brother who needed me. It seemed like something I could absolutely manage. For a moment, I had split into two people, able to do two things simultaneously.  I put one foot down to follow after Claire as she tugged me to the car, then spun forty-five degrees to put down another foot toward Rachel. 

"Beau!" Claire shrieked.

The two me's converged and I snapped back to being just myself. A man who had to make a decision. Rachel was hurting, but Finn might actually be physically hurt. I picked up my foot and deliberately turned myself toward the car. I could make up with Rachel in the morning, but Finn needed me right now. 

Claire left her Jeep and jumped into the passenger seat of my car and I gunned it, peeling out of the parking lot and speeding across the dark roads to my parents' house. "You sure he's here?"

"That's what Mom said." Claire stared at her phone like it might have answers. "What the hell happened? He was doing so good?"

I shook my head, unwilling to even say it, and nudged the accelerator even higher. My tires squealed as we turned down our road and rocketed up to the front of the house. I threw it into park and Claire was out and running before I'd even turned off the engine. 

I caught up with her and then overtook her, throwing the front door open. "Mom!" 

"Up here!" came my mom's strangled reply. I took the stairs two at a time and then stopped before I tripped over her as she crouched there in the hall. 

"Oh God, what happened?" Claire choked from behind me. 

Finn was stretched out across my mom's lap. His boots stretched into the bathroom, but she had his head in her hands as she shook him again and again, "Wake up, baby boy. Wake up."

"Did he take pills?" Claire sobbed.

"I don't know! Wake up, Finnegan!" My mother slapped him lightly on the cheek. 

I sagged down to my knees. "Goddamnit, Finn!" I shook my brother. His head lolled to the side and I checked his pulse, then lifted his wrists. "No sign of cutting. Finn!" I smacked him so hard my mom gasped. "Goddamnit, wake the fuck up!"

This was my fault. I had no idea what happened. I had no idea if he took pills or not because I wasn't fucking here. "Finn!" I roared, yanking him out of my mother's arms and shaking my brother. "I get it, okay? I fucking get it, I should have been here to take care of you, but don't you fucking do this!" I jammed the heel of my hand into my eye to wipe back the tears. Anger ran red hot in my veins. "Finn, wake up! Did you fucking take something?" 

Helpless with rage, I did the only thing I could think to do. 

I wiped my hand on my pant leg and then jammed my fingers right down his throat. 

My mother yelped. "What are you doing to him?" and tugged at my hand, but I barely even noticed her. "Get it out," I growled. "Come on you fucking bastard, get it out." 

"Beau, stop it!" Claire moaned as Finn retched and gagged. I ignored her and jammed my fingers farther. "Come on!" I shouted.

Finn choked, and then vomited in one huge stream, splashing me with vomit from my shirt right down to my shoes. Frantically, I searched the foul-smelling remnants. 

There were no pills. 

I choked back the vomit that rose to my own throat, but I couldn't hold back the rage that closed around my throat. "Goddamnit!" I shouted, smacking Finn in the shoulder. He grunted and his eyelids fluttered. He was coming around and that only made me angrier. The delicate thread that had always held me back suddenly snapped. "You fucking asshole!" I raged, shaking him until his teeth clicked. "What the fuck, Finn? What the fuck!"

"Beau!" my mother pleaded, trying to hold back my blows, but I couldn't stop. I shook and hit my brother again and again. "Beau!" Claire shouted, and she and my mother hauled me off of him. 

The minute they pulled me back, I snapped out of the unhinged rage. "Oh shit," I groaned, burying my face in my hands. The smell on my fingers was enough to make me retch again. "Oh shit, oh shit."

My mother pulled me to her, and I buried my head against her shoulder while she shushed me. Claire clung to us both and wept.

"Mmm-- what the hell?" Finn's groggy, slurring voice broke the spell. All three of us froze and looked at him.

He pushed himself up on his elbows and took stock of the vomit that had soaked through his shirt. Then he looked over to the three of us and took in Claire's tears, my mother's frantic rocking, and my clenched fists. He blinked once and then understanding swept over him. "What the -- oh. Oh God. You thought -- seriously?" He yanked his shirt off over his head and tossed it away in disgust, then raked his hands through his hair before staring at us in disbelief. Staring at me. "I said," he breathed. "I would never do it again and I meant it. Yeah, I guess I might have had too much to drink and passed out, I get that." He glared right at me. "But I was fucking celebrating because I'm happy the band is going to play together again!"

At my sharp inhale, he burst out into a rueful laugh. "Yeah, bro! That's it!" He knelt up, his knees wobbly and sniffed in disgust at the mess on the carpet. "Well, I guess you saved me a hell of a headache tomorrow so cheers for that." He turned and looked back at me and for a moment we were kids again, each other's best friends, a brain shared between two bodies. So even as he was saying something, I swore I heard another meaning to his words. "You have to stop hovering over me, man." His voice cracked, and he looked away. “I can stand on my own two feet."

"Can you?"

"Yes!"

I paused and let that hang there. Because the next question was the more important one. "Do you want to?"

He pushed himself up to his feet and for a second, he looked more scared and lost than I had ever seen him. But then he rearranged his face into its usual skeptical lines. "Uh, yeah? You've got a chick now. I'm not planning on being some sad third wheel in your life." He blinked and then looked at Mom and Claire as if he suddenly realized they were watching. He sighed heavily. "I'll go get the mop."

"I'll get it." My mom sprang to her feet. She hurried down the stairs. Claire hovered another moment before following after her and leaving me with my brother. "You mean that?" I asked. Poking at the wound. I had to. "You think me being with Rachel makes you a third wheel?"

Finn shrugged and wouldn't meet my eyes. "You got her, you don't need me," he mumbled. 

"Oh fuck you!" I spat. Shame and anger warred inside of me. Never in my life had I lost it like this. And never when it came to my brother. Guilt made me shout. "You know I fucking chose you over her tonight?" Panic suddenly coursed through me. "Christ, she ran off in the middle of our set and instead of following her and figuring out what was wrong, I came here to deal with your bullshit! Ah, fuck!" I shouted as I realized just what I'd done. "Fuck!"

"I never asked you to," Finn mumbled. "You didn't have to."

But I barely heard him as I pounded down the stairs and back out the door. I needed to get away from him and this feeling of losing control. I ran out to my car and screeched out of the driveway. Heading to Rachel. Praying I still had time to fix everything.