Morning broke, as it always did, with the smell of cows drifting through my open window. That meant they were being driven out to pasture in the watery early morning light and I gave a silent prayer of thanks that I'd been exempted from that chore and was allowed to stay in bed. 

Then I sat up in abject panic. "What the fuck!?" Morning shouldn't break with the smell of cows, it broke with the smell of coffee seconds before Beau brought it to me while I was still in bed. 

This was not my bedroom with the window that faced the creek. This was...

This was my bedroom. 

My limbs moved with a heavy slowness like I was underwater. Deep underwater, with the pressure bearing down on my chest. I struggled to take a full breath, but the sodden humidity was already oppressive, even this early in the day. Squeezing my eyes shut, I forced myself to take deep, regular breaths. And think. 

It came back to me slowly and then all at once. Rushing from the Crown Tavern and into the night. I ran for my life like I was being pursued by predators, in a blind sprint. 

I was a full mile out of town before I realized where my feet were headed. 

My mother looked terrified when she opened the door. But then she saw me and her face melted with love. "Come in," she urged.

I'd stepped over that threshold and looked around. "I'm home."

"I'm glad." She embraced me once again and then held me out at arm’s length. Her lip twitched. She didn't mean for me to see it, but I did. "I have some clothes you can wear in the front bedroom."

I looked down, instantly aware of the way my filmy blouse clung to my shape. I was wearing jeans. A woman. In pants. "Hurry," she urged, patting me once more. "Before Father wakes up."

I found the sleeping garments just where my mother said they'd be. When I was a child, they had felt like the softest silk, but now I was only aware of the way they billowed around me. I pushed the door open to the back bedroom, where the girls slept. There were a few snorts. Miriam mumbled something and rolled over and Lydia opened her eyes. "Hi," I said, until I realized she was sleeping with her eyes open. She hadn't outgrown it yet. For some reason this made me feel... relieved. 

The bed at the far corner was stacked with old blankets in need of mending but was otherwise unoccupied. It was, after all, my bed. 

I'd thought there would be no way I would be able to fall asleep, but a six mile run through the darkness meant my body sank into that bed like it was a cloud of softness. 

Now though, I could feel every rough spun nub. 

As I sat there in my old bed, trying to make my surroundings make sense, I heard the rustling of my siblings as they began to wake. First to rise completely was Rebecca. I braced myself as she rubbed her eyes and blinked sleepily. Then she looked up. 

"Rachel." 

Immediately, everyone was awake and staring. I swallowed. "Hi."

Rebecca pressed her lips together. Then she nodded once and then yelled at Miriam to pick up the mess she'd left in the middle of the floor.

And the spell was broken. 

My sisters tumbled out of bed, going through their morning routine like everything was normal. I went downstairs to help Mother with the breakfast, working side by side with her in the kitchen just like always.

"Amos is walking now?" I marveled, as the fat baby I remembered toddled into the kitchen on his fat little legs then stopped short when he saw me. 

"Amos!" I cried, kneeling down to embrace him.

He screwed up his little face until it turned red and then burst out in angry tears. Lydia swooped in from the front room and scooped him up, glaring at me before she hustled him into the other room, shushing like the little mother she'd always been. I stood back up again. "He doesn't remember me."

My mother smiled up from the mound of eggs she was cracking into a bowl. "He will."

"And Lydia definitely hates me."

Mother winced at the ugly word and mouthed a silent prayer. I felt heat rise up on my neck. I was out of practice. "She does not. She is wary."

I nodded. Being wary of those in the secular world was something deeply ingrained. But I wasn't part of the secular world. I belonged here, right?

A bearded man appeared in the doorway and my heart skipped a beat to think that Beau had followed me here. Until I blinked and realized he looked nothing like the man I loved. 

Had loved. 

I never told him. And then I just... left. What must he be thinking right now?

"Rachel!" My father's booming voice brought me back to the present. He gruffly pulled me into a hug, and when he pulled back again, I caught him wiping at his eyes. "Will you come to Meeting today?"

My tongue knotted in my mouth. Meeting - with all of the eyes of the community on me, watching for signs of corruption - seemed far beyond anything I could handle now. 

But then I looked at my mother's hopeful face and watched my little sister hoist my baby brother higher on her hip. I looked at my father and remembered how he'd been shamed at Meeting because of me. Guilt overwhelmed me, and I ducked my head. "Of course. I'm looking forward to it."

He nodded his pleasure and then shouted for my brothers to follow him out to the fields. I fell into step with Rebecca as we took our buckets down to the water pump. Everyone in the community had to fill their buckets for their animals here, which meant that everyone who was there saw that I had returned. The news spread like wildfire and by noontime, the whole place was straining to catch a glimpse of me. I saw recognition on faces I'd forgotten about, and smiles of welcome along with wary, terse expressions of disapproval. I ducked my head down and went about all the chores I could do in my sleep. Like I'd never even left. 

Like the last two years of my life had never happened at all. 

I belonged here, I reminded myself. And even if it didn't feel like that yet, I needed to force myself to push on. 

For my family's sake.