I slumped woozily when they stood me back up again. Everything was hazy through the cloud of pain. It took a small shove from the Elder on my left to get me moving. 

I shuffled automatically down the aisle and then stopped short. 

On one side sat my family. On the other side sat the man I was supposed to marry. 

I stood there wavering in place. I did not belong with either of them.

"Sit down," my father ordered.

Humiliated, I shoved my way back to my seat, deliberately knocking into Levi with my elbow. Then I turned and lifted my chin as high as I could before sinking down slowly, hissing through my teeth. The raw, red lash marks that striped my thighs made sitting unbearable. I scooted down until I was at the very edge of my chair and kept my eyes shut through the rest of the meeting. When it was over and everyone rose, I stayed seated, refusing to move.

"Rachel."

I heard my father say my name, but I kept my eyes shut, hoping he would believe I was deep in prayer. 

"Rachel!" my mother snapped.

I let my eyes flutter open but didn't turn to look at her. The meeting house had cleared out. Only my parents and Levi's parents remained, and all four of them were watching me as if they were considering an exorcism. 

"We were under the impression," my father began. "That your time in the secular world was spent spreading God's word."

"Why would you think that? You never once told me that's what you wanted. You never even checked in to see if I was doing okay..." I started to say.

But my father spoke right over me like I hadn't even said a word. "We did not want to believe that you had fallen into secular ways. But your vanity and the stubborn pride you exhibited today show that you have."

"Seriously?

He ignored that too. I may as well have not even been in the room, because he turned to Levi's father with an obsequious smile that made my blood run cold. "We are grateful that, in spite of this, you are still willing to go through with this. We believe that it's probably best for Rachel's eternal soul if we hold this wedding soon."

"We agree," Levi's father said, glaring at Levi for some reason. "How about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" I echoed. The word clunked in my head like a prison door sliding into place. "You want me to marry Levi... tomorrow?" I stared at the man in question, who looked just as blindsided as I was. Desperately, I appealed to my father with my eyes. I had returned to make their lives better, but now? Now they seemed intent on ruining mine completely. But he wasn't even looking at me. His gaze was fixed at some place in the distance, as if he was peering off into a future that only he could see. I wracked my brain for something, anything that would stall this. "Can I take a moment? To uh... pray on it?"

Levi seemed to seize on this idea. "My wife is right," he said with the most fervor I'd ever heard him be able to muster up. "I'd like to take a walk and pray on this." He glanced at me and seemed to understand my unsaid entreaty. "In solitude of course. To better hear God's plan revealed to me."

I nodded fiercely, then winced as the motion made my injured thighs brush against my seat. A burst of white-hot hate propelled me to my feet. I had to buy myself time. For what, I didn't know yet but I knew I just... needed... time. "You understand, of course," I said, all sweetness and smiles. 

My mother inhaled sharply and then looked at my glowering father. "Come now. Don't you remember how nervous I was the day before our wedding? I think solitary prayer would be a wise action."

I breathed a silent thank you for her sudden compassion. "Thank you," I said quickly before my father could change his mind, and fled from the meeting house. 

Outside in the heavy, soupy air, I gulped in a breath, but it didn't clear my head. My heavy braid seemed to be tugging insistently on my head, weighing me down. Stumbling on my injured legs, my only thought was to get as far away from the meeting house as I could. I winced in pain as I hurried away, my tears blinding me, so I had no idea where I was headed. I just knew I need to run, and so that's what I did, looping around down to the creek. Once under the trees and away from the prying eyes of the rest of the community, I slowed with my heart hammering in my ears. 

The trickle of the creek reminded me so sharply of my little house with Everly that I started crying harder. Sobbing blindly, I rushed away from the memory of what I'd had and thrown away and ran full tilt toward the pastures and into the shadow of the big gray barn. Gasping, I sagged against the cool walls and dug my fists into my eyes, angrily wiping away the tears. "Goddammit," I raged. "Fuck! Fucking shit!" I cursed as loud as I dared. But it came out in only a whisper because I knew someone had to be watching. Listening. 

In the next breath, my fears were confirmed. I heard the mutter of voices and then a thud as if something had hit the wall. 

Then the unmistakable noise of a passionate gasp.

Slowly I rose up onto my tiptoes and peered into the gloom of the barn. 

Two men were inside wrestling. 

No. Not wrestling. 

Kissing. 

I held my breath, hardly daring to move a muscle as I watched the two men clutch and strain, grasping and tearing at each other’s clothes in a rough embrace. Snatches of words, of desperate promises, floated out through the cracks in the barn walls. I heard "...tomorrow." I heard. "...doesn't change anything." I knelt down - slowly - to listen at the crack because there was something about that voice that sounded familiar. 

Then the other voice, a different voice spoke so clearly it may have well have been right in my ear. "No, Levi. It's too dangerous."

I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle my shocked gasp. Then I heard my future husband's wretched, pleading, "No!"

"This has to be the last time," the other voice intoned, and then his words were swallowed by the sound of another desperate, ragged kiss.

All the strength left my body and I slumped heavily against the side of the barn as it suddenly became crystal clear to me why Levi had wanted to marry me. I would be a human shield for his love, which was expressly forbidden by the Chosen. Levi was gay, and I was the perfect cover. Years could go by and no one would question what happened in our bedroom. No one would whisper and wonder if we had consummated the marriage. 

After all, no one would ever expect a broken woman like me to get pregnant. 

Horror punched me in the gut. Not because Levi was gay. But because I was facing down a life of never being touched. Never being loved.

Never being allowed to sing more loudly than a whisper.

I'd resigned myself to coming back to the Chosen. But I couldn't face a life without any chance of love. 

I stood up. I wasn't going to do it. 

I was going to find Beau. And then I was going to get down on my knees and beg for his forgiveness. If I had to go all the way to New York City, so be it. 

I finally knew where I belonged.