The smell of rust hung heavy in the humid air inside the meeting house. I breathed shallowly, but the smell made me nauseous. As did the lack of windows and the way Levi's shoulder pressed into mine.

I was seated on the left side of the aisle with his family rather than with mine. Since the announcement of our betrothal, I'd felt myself being slowly absorbed into his family, forced to spend time in the kitchen with his mother, and awkward dinners with his foster siblings who all ignored me and passed food over my head, forcing me to duck. Nights I still spent with my own family, but most of that was spent sleeping like the dead with exhaustion after Levi's mother ran me ragged all day doing chores for her, so I rarely saw them. I'd returned for their sake. But this wasn't how I'd envisioned it. 

The silence of prayers spread out, seemingly forever. I closed my eyes and tried to find peace. I squeezed my eyes shut and begged whoever was listening to make this feel right. To show me that I had made the right choice. "Give me a sign," I soundlessly begged. 

I opened my eyes again and stole a glance at the man who was to be my husband, opening my heart to the idea of him. He seemed decent, almost too polite with me. He had blue eyes that were watery first thing in the morning. I had told him an allergy pill would help him, and then remembered that those were forbidden. 

I always seemed to make those mistakes around him. Laughing too loudly, trying too hard to talk. Levi seemed to prefer me silent...and in a different room. But I vowed I would keep trying, desperate to find something to cling on to - a stray compliment, an admiring glance - that would make me feel...

Feel good again. 

Levi finished his prayers with a sigh and looked upward again. I smiled at him. A small flutter of hope that this was it, the moment where we connected. He looked back at me with his watery blue eyes, holding my gaze...

And then his gaze slid right past me and back up to the front of the meeting house once more. 

My stomach sank like a rock. No. That couldn't be my sign. I'd just have to keep looking. 

The Elder at the front called for hymns. I stood with the rest of the Chosen, and then my heart skipped when the first strains of “Amazing Grace” began. We had sung it my first day back. Was that really only a week ago? It felt like a lifetime. I closed my eyes against the tears that seemed like they were always close to falling and wondered if Beau felt the same way when he heard it. I hoped he wasn't too angry that he couldn't hear the beauty in the words. I hoped he'd found some kind of grace inside of himself that made my betrayal not sting so much. 

I hoped he knew I missed him more than I ever thought possible.

As the congregation sang, I raised my own voice. Closing my eyes, I let the melody lift me up, certain that this was the sign I had prayed for. My voice rose as I tried to drown out the sadness, and soon I was belting out the sweet words just like Claire had taught me. Just like I hadn't been able to that night at the Crown. I sang with all the hope I'd had and the grief I'd felt. I sang my love, lifting it up and then letting it go. The melody wrapped me up in its embrace and I sang as loud as I could. 

And then stopped. Because the music had stopped. 

And everyone was staring. 

"Sister Walker." The Elder's nose was wrinkled like I had done something disgusting. "Vanity is a deadly sin."

My mouth fell open. "I wasn't... I'm not being vain, I just really like the song—"

"You put yourself above others, calling attention to yourself. Come forward."

I stuttered and looked around in horror. "To be Shamed? You can't be serious." Shocked gasps echoed off the metal walls and now I knew I would be Shamed for subordination as well as vanity, but I didn't care. This was insanity. I was only singing. 

I looked to Levi in desperation. "Tell them! I was just singing the hymn! You're supposed to be my future husband, tell them this is crazy!"

"Vanity is a sin," he echoed in that same toneless voice he'd spoke in the night we met. I narrowed my eyes at him and then looked over to my own family. Rebecca and Joel were both looking down, not willing to meet my eyes. Miriam and Lydia were both staring at me with terror on their little faces. But my mother. 

My mother was looking at me with such anger that it made me step back as if she'd reached out and struck me. 

"Come forward," the Elder intoned again.

I tore my hopeful gaze away from my mother. She wouldn't help me. No one would. This was normal to them. Vanity was a sin, and those who sinned were punished in front of everyone to keep the rest of the congregation in line. Sinners had to submit and receive their punishment before they would be accepted back into the community. 

But I would not submit. 

"This is crazy." I held my head high as I shoved past Levi and his family. "All of this, it's nuts." I broke free of the crush and sprinted for the back entrance. My skirts tangled in my legs, slowing me down, making it easy for the Elders in the back to grab me. "What is wrong with you?" I shouted to my mother as they dragged me back up to the front, to the Elder waiting with the stick in hand. "Do something!" I begged as they lifted my skirts and bared my thighs.

My family, my future husband, my whole community, they all just sat there and watched as the Elder brought the slender reed down on my naked skin. I flinched and gritted my teeth to keep from crying out, then gave in and screamed. 

I screamed after each one of the seven lashes. I let them hear my pain. I hoped like hell they felt it too. 

But I did not let them see me cry.