“Most people are stronger than they know. They just forget to believe it sometimes.”

~ Unknown

 

6 Months Later

 

I close my eyes and hold my breath, trying to stop the pain of the memories taking over. One. Two. Three. Deep breath. Four. Five. Six. I breath out and imagine the pain and fear leaving me. It doesn’t get me so much anymore, but sometimes, when my brain wanders, it takes me under and it’s like I’m back there. Living it. Those gun shots ring out, and my whole world tilts. Everything changed that day, it’s not something that will ever really leave me.

Scottie coos as she bounces onto my bed and brings me back to the present. “I still cannot believe you’re our valedictorian! I mean, I totally can, but shit! How’s your speech going?”

“It’s done,” I say. “I sat with Mason last weekend and went through it with him. He says it’s epic, but well, he’s also crazy biased.”

“How’s he doing?” She asks

“You mean considering a crazed student shot him? You should really talk to him, Scottie, but yeah – he’s okay. Doc says, considering the bullet ruptured his stomach, he’s healed up nicely; and he’s been cleared to travel; We head out after graduation.”

“That’s awesome news, about the travelling, and I know I should go and see him, I just don’t know what to say. I never helped Josh. I should have, and now he’s waiting on trial, and Mason, I just; the guilt I feel, I just can’t speak about it yet.”

“Scottie, you aren’t responsible, no more than anybody else in the school – in fact, there are some people who are a hell of a lot more responsible than others, but you know, the one person who is really responsible, is Josh. He got to choose, Scottie. He made his choice and it was a terrible, devastating choice – but it wasn’t yours."

Tears well in Scottie’s eyes. I know that no matter how many times I tell her this, she isn’t going to take it on board. Mason may have taken a bullet in the stomach, but Scottie took one in the soul, and in some ways, that’s going to leave a greater scar.

“I get it,” I reassure her, placing my hand on hers. “So does Mason, but whenever you’re ready, we’re here for you.”

“Thanks, dude. I saw the mandatory counsellor at school, like we all did, but I just couldn’t, ya know?”

“I know. I started my therapy sessions again, curtesy of Monica; my anxiety was crazy intense – but I’m coping better now; and I’m actually excited to be getting away.”

“I bet! Right, I’m going to bounce; Mom will be expecting me back to help with the brats. It’s Josie’s tenth birthday, and it was her brilliant idea to have a slumber party. What a fucking epic way to spend my Saturday!” The sarcasm rolling from her is enough to crack a smile from even the toughest guy on the planet.

“See you Monday, Scottie,” I laugh as she drags herself off my bed.

“Just one week to go!” She squeals, wrapping me up in a hug before she leaves.

I can’t stop the smile that traces my lips. It’s been the toughest six months of my life, but now, there’s one week left of high school, and my life is completely different to where it was a year ago – hell, even from where it was at the beginning of this school year. If you’d told me then I’d be dating the hottest, sweetest guy on earth, who literally saved my life; that the girl who tortured me my entire life would become an almost friend; and the guy I’d crushed on forever would become persona-non-grata, well, hell, I’d have laughed you out of the damn state, let alone the town. But that’s where I am.

And now, I get to go on the biggest adventure of my life with the guy I love. We spent the last six months tweaking the plan, after what we went through, we decided we wanted to experience everything we could, without being away for too long. It might only be going away for two weeks, but I get to spend them with the guy of my dreams. I sound like a total cheese-ball, but I’m at the point where I just don’t give a shit. If nothing else, I have to thank Josh for that. What he did was beyond horrifying, two students died, Ella and Eric, but I didn’t, and now I know just how precious the time we have here is – and I want to live.

First, though, I need to get through this graduation ceremony, and an overprotective Monica. I swear, her anxiety about my upcoming trip is way worse than mine has ever been. I get it, I mean, what happened in January irrevocably changed the lives of every single person it touched. How could it not? I’ve never seen a parent more broken than Sherriff Saunders as Mason was taken away in an ambulance, and his son bundled into a cop car. The realization his son had become a monster, crippled the guy; right there and then on the sidewalk. He never saw it coming – all those years working with criminals, with the disaffected, with the angry, and he didn’t recognize it in his own son. Monica said the community has rallied around as much as they can to support Sherriff Saunders and his wife, but it’s hard to separate the high-school killer with his parents; there have been a lot of quiet conversations at the grocery store and the bank about what Josh’s parents ‘did wrong’ – I don’t think I’ll ever understand that mess.

Then there are the parents of the two kids who died. Ella Baker was on track to be an Olympic swimmer. Her little sister idolized her. Seeing that little girl at the funeral, crying for the big sister she lost, broke me all over again, and all of the memories they’d never get to make. Eric’s mom had to be held up as her legs gave way – the grief swallowing her whole. I will never forget those moments – or those in the locker room; they are always going to be with me – but I know they will push me to live my life to the fullest. Every day, I honor the fact I still have my life to live, and I have to remember that when the darkness threatens to swallow me up.

I grab my hoodie and follow Scottie out of the house.

“Mon, I’m heading to Mason’s for a bit!” I call out as we reach the front door.

“Make sure you have your phone on you! And don’t be late – or at least, let me know if you’re going to be.”

“You know I will! Love you.”

“Love you too, Erin!” She says as she waves me off.

I head across town to Mason’s; I’ve done this walk so many times since January that I could probably do it with my eyes closed. I put my ear buds in and jam out to Jaded Hearts’ latest album.

When I turn the corner onto Mason’s street, I see Parker in their front yard with his friend Eric. I’ve spent so much time here, it’s almost like my second home. I even roped Parker into helping me give the house a new coat of paint a few weeks ago and he got his friends involved; it was hilarious – a really good day. I’m pretty sure they ended up wearing more paint than they actually put on the house. Mason sat and watched from the back yard, barking out orders after we refused to let him help. He probably could have helped, but I wasn’t risking it; his fourth round of surgery was only a few weeks ago and his stitches are still holding him together. He jokes about them just installing a zipper and being done with it – it’s funny but hurts, too. Mason will never be the Mason he was before, neither mentally or physically. They still don’t know how much his injury is going to impact on his life.

The fear I felt when he laid on the floor as I pushed on his stomach to try and stem the bleed, is immeasurable. Every vision of what our future might possibly hold was gone in an instant. People often say that time ticks to a different tock in those situations, and it’s true; the time we spent in the waiting room, holding each other’s hands, Grams aging with worry before my eyes, lasted an eternity. 

Now, every time I see Mason, I feel elation and relief; a flood of love, which ties us all together – not just Mason and me but our families, too.

I knock on the front door whilst walking in. I learnt quickly that family doesn’t knock and wait for permission; the knock is just a means of announcing your arrival.

“Hey, Grams,” I call, walking through to the kitchen – where she always is. 

“Get over here and give me a hug,” she yells. “That’s right, my boy doesn’t get all your sweet lovin’, sugar.”

Mason hollers through from the front room, “Grams, you best leave enough lovin’ for me!” He joins us, sandwiching me between them in a three-way hug. I breathe them both in, feeling blessed.

“Boy, you need to learn to wear clothes!” Gram’s guffaws, pushing him away from her as she releases me.

“It’s hot out there, Grams!” He says, stretching his arms in the air, making out he’s yawning, but really, he’s just displaying himself to me, knowing how much I love that body of his. “You just don’t like seeing my scar,” he jokes, but the mood shifts, just like on a summer’s day when a cloud creeps over the sun.

“Of course, I don’t, you crazy fool! It reminds me that I almost lost you!” She says, her voice still cracking even after all of these months.

His hand strokes over it and he flashes a toothy grin. “It should also remind you, I’m a fighter, Grams. I’m not going anywhere,” he says, pulling her in close again. He looks at me over her head, and flashes me that heart-melting smile of his. He mouths, ‘I love you’ to me and the grin cracks my face.

He lets go of her and takes my hand, leading me to his room as I wave back to Grams.

“No funny business,” Gram’s calls after us.

Mason just laughs and I try to hide my blushes behind my hair as we practically run up the stairs.

He closes his door behind me and pins me to it, his hands gripping my hips as he devours me with his kiss. His healing process has prevented us fully sleeping together, and while it’s been nice, taking it slow, messing around, exploring one another, I’m about ready to tear his clothes off. He kisses me like I’m the air he breathes, like I’m his lifeblood, and I drown in him. I lean into him as his fingers tease me, skimming up past my waist, before his hands take my wrists and pin them above my head. He pulls back panting, his eyes like the sea after a heavy storm, pulling me under.

“I don’t think I’ll ever have enough of you, Erin Michaels.”

His hot breath falls against my collarbone and he brushes my skin with teasing kisses down my neck, trailing down the neckline of my top and caressing the top of my bra line with his soft lips and tongue, nipping and licking. It’s sweet agony. Every thought is consumed with the thought of him. I need him closer to me; I need us to be one body, no ending, and no beginning – no him and no me, just us.

“Mason,” I stutter, as one of his hands leaves my wrists and travels down and slips past my waist band.

“Have you missed me, baby?”

“You know I have,” I moan as his fingers trace the lace edging of my panties. It doesn’t matter how many times he touches me, the effect he has on my body surprises me. I stretch forward, opening my legs, allowing his fingers to explore the secret parts of me, the parts that now belong to only Mason and me. I capture his lips again, and the rhythm of his breathing is one with his movements until he brings me to the precipice of pleasure and swallows down my moans.

“I missed you, too,” he says between soft kisses, releasing my wrists and I run my hands down the ridges of his bare back. He takes my hand and lays me down, and covering me with his beautifully lean body.

I giggle against his lips. “I thought Grams said no funny business!”

“Oh, I’m not being funny,” he says, looking at me with mock brooding, “I’m being deadly serious. You’re mine, and I’m yours – always, which means…” He claims my kiss again and I melt into the bed.

“Forever,” I sigh.

“Forever,” he says, sitting up and pulling me into his lap. “And that means, as much as it pains me to say, we can wait until it’s perfect. You deserve perfect.”

I can’t stop the little wave of disappointment – he’s such a tease, and I know he’s loving the whole thing about taking me to the edge on a promise and then leaving me hanging there.

“Are you nearly ready for our trip?” I ask.

He’s been so on and off about the trip since he got shot. We’ve talked about making it smaller, just getting away for a week or so, just so we can still get away. One minute, we’re full steam ahead, and the next, he’s back to worrying about Parker, and something happening while we’re gone.

“I am, and I can’t wait. I had a real long talk with Grams last night, and Rico is going to come stay here while I’m gone; just make sure everyone is good, so I can focus on my girl.”

I squeal and twist in his lap, straddling him so I can hug him.“You have no idea how happy this makes me!”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a good idea,” he says suggestively, his hands circling my waist. “I can’t wait to get away with you, and get so wrapped up in you, that you don’t know if it’s night or day.”

“Oh, really?”

“You can count on it, baby.”

 

***

 

Today I graduate. I can’t believe I can finally say it. This is end of what has been almost my entire life, and then after today, I start all over again. A new direction, a new path, a new person.

I stare at myself in the mirror, my gown and cap on, feeling like I should look different. Today is huge, and I’ve worked so freaking hard for it, but I still look just like me. I do not look like an adult ready to face the world; I look kinda terrified!

“Erin!” Monica calls up. “Are you nearly ready? You’re going to be late.”

“Coming,” I momble.

I would be the first valedictorian ever to arrive late to graduation. Not like I live by the norm anyway. I grab my speech, take off the gown and cap, making sure to rehang my gown and zip up the garment bag. I run down the stairs to find Monica already in the car with the engine running. I think she’s even more excited about today than I am.

“Whoever decided our graduation ceremony would be at ten in the morning is a sadist,” I say as I climb into the passenger seat.

“Hey, if I could drag my tired butt out of bed, missy, you can too! Today is a big deal. I am so glad I could cancel my class today to be there. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world,” she tells me, yawning as she reverses out of the drive.

It feels like seconds before I see the school, and it hits me that this is the last time I’ll ever need to be here. I can’t say I regret that idea. This place is too full of terrible memories. Every time since that fateful day, I have never crossed the school entrance without a rise in my heartbeat, without a shadow of fear trailing me – and yet, it is here that my earliest memories of Mason were formed, and I’m not going to let Josh take that part of my life away. He destroyed so much already. It’s so strange, bittersweet.

We walk through the school, past the locker room, which I have avoided at all costs until this moment, to the football field where the ceremony is taking place. I spot Mason, with Grams, Rico and Parker, and drag Monica over to them.

“Hey there, sugar,” Grams calls out as she wraps me up in a hug. I hug her back, it’s impossible not to love her, or to not smile when she’s around; she lights up the world. She lets me go and assaults Monica with a ginormous hug, too; they’ve become close over the last few months and it fills my heart full.

“Oh sweetie,” Grams said, “There’s nothing to you; I’m going to have so much fun fattening you up when these pair are off gallivanting,” she says.

Monica chuckles but there’s something in it that causes my brows to knit together. It doesn’t sound right; it doesn’t sound like jokes. I run my eyes over Monica and realize just how thin she looks – thin and tired. I go to say something but at that moment Jamie comes bounding over, all smiles. It can wait. My little family, weird and dysfunctional as it is, is growing slowly, and the joy this brings me is insurmountable. People filter in around us, and I stand, tucked under Masons chin, taking it all in, trying to calm my encroaching nerves about delivering my speech.

“Are you ready for the rest of our lives?” He whispers into my ear, pulling me closer to him.

“I can’t wait,” I reply.

Mr. Hardman’s voice rings out, telling us it’s time to take our seats. I kiss Mason again before heading to my seat on the stage; Valedictorian privilege. My stomach is flipping but I make a conscious effort to keep the smile on my face. Privilege, my ass – I’d much rather be sitting with Mason rather than up here looking like some idiot.

I listen to Mr. Hardman talk about the accomplishments of the year, about those who have joined us, and those who are leaving with us; and then his speech pauses and I can see from the way his back ripples, that he’s literally pulling himself together before he says, “and to those who were taken from us; Ella and Eric, whose loss has been felt deeply by our community. They are with us today, as they will always be."

The whole audience is so quiet that I think they’ve even stopped breathing.

“But today is about celebrating life, and hope,” Mr. Hardman continues. “We’re here today to celebrate the amazing accomplishments of our young people and the extraordinary lives that await them. The tragic events of the past have taught us all one extraordinary lesson, life is precious, life is beautiful, life is to be lived.”

And with that, Mason stands and the whole class follow his lead, offering a respectful round of applause before settling back down. I wait as

the rest of the presentations happen, counting down until I need to stand up. I hear my name, followed by civil applause. Oh shit, I actually have to talk in front of all of these people. I stand, gown and cap on, and hope to God I can make it to the podium without tripping.

I cross my fingers, and smile a nervous smile down to my class mates, finding Mason in the crowd. He smiles at me, and the nerves inside me calm. Taking a deep breath, I pull out my speech, count to ten, and begin.

“My fellow students. We only started this journey four short years ago, but now it is time for us to leave and make our way out into the world. It seems like only yesterday, we walked through those doors, and yet, it also feels like forever ago. So many things have happened in those four short years, things that none of us will ever forget.”

I pause, swallowing down the memories that I refuse to let overshadow this moment.

“How do you measure your time at high school? In the friends you made? The loves you loved? The laughs you shared, or the tears you cried? But here we stand, at the end of it all, and I know I will measure my time here differently to each and every one of you. Though we are all undoubtedly tied by the experiences we have shared, we will go our separate ways and step out into the big wide world.

There are seven billion people in the world. Some are happy, some are running scared.”

My eyes can’t help but fall on Evan momentarily. I will never forgive him.

“Some are out there fighting for our freedoms, others lie to themselves and everyone around them just to make it through the day. Some are only just learning to face the truth. People are neither good nor evil, they can commit both good and bad acts.

Life kicks you around sometimes. It beats you down and scares the hell out of you. But then there are days when you realize you are a survivor. You are strong. You are a fighter. That you are tougher than anything that has been thrown your way. That you can do this.

One thing this school has taught me, is the need for us to forgive – and to let go of the past. It’s easy to get lost in the darkness and despair, but we need to remember that when life is at its darkest, it is easiest to see the light. Be that in the people you surround yourself with, the love you have found in another, or a new path to be forged. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or the bad blood between us.” I look at Tegan who sends me a small smile.

“Forgiveness is a gift, it opens our lives to things we may have missed. We need to not be afraid, of the future, of the mistakes we’ve made, and the ones we’re most undoubtedly going to make, because sometimes those mistakes are meant to happen, to lead us to the greatest moments of our lives.

What this past year has taught me is to live for the moment you’re living – the rest are all uncertain. We have loved and we have lost. We have laughed and we have cried, but we have all survived. Now is the time when we get to step up and say ‘I made it’.

So with that, I say, Congratulations. You survived. You’re here. We hold dear those who aren’t here with us today, we treasure their memory and carry them with us, knowing that wherever we go and whatever we do, we will always be tied together by our time here.”

I finish and step back from the podium as people stand, clap and whoop. There are tears and laughter as people remember exactly what this year has been for them. I take my seat and wait until my name is called, cheering for Mason, joining in with Rico, Parker and Grams as he gets his diploma.

I hear my name, and do my walk, blushing at how loud Mason and Monica can shout between them. Anyone would think I’d just got an Olympic gold. The rest of the ceremony passes in a blur, and once our caps are thrown, Mason seeks me out and kisses me. It’s so full of love and hope that I stagger back with the force of it – but like always, Mason’s arms are there to catch me before I fall.

“You rocked that speech, Tiger,” He whispers.

We’re stood in the middle of our classmates, all celebrating that high school is over, but it feels like he sees no one but me.

“Thank you,” I sigh as I kiss him. We’re interrupted by Scottie jumping on my back – a habit I’ve told her several times is very annoying.

“Dude! That speech was beyond epic! Slayed it! I can’t believe this is us done.”

I pull away from Mason, shaking her off and hugging her tightly.

“I know, right? Who would have thought this day would be like this.”

“Sure as hell not me, now let’s get out of here, I’m starving! We’re all heading to yours, right?”

“Of course, like Monica would have it any other way.”