“We are all broken.

That’s how the light gets in.”

~ Ernest Hemmingway

 

Today is going to be a better day. It has to be. I refuse to keep playing this game of hide and seek with Evan; like we’ve done for the past two weeks. Every time he looks at me, he does it with these big, sad, puppy eyes and my will power only has so much hold and sway over me. I’m a pushover when it comes to him, and I know it. So does he. Dodging Mason at the same time hasn’t made life any easier, especially considering I’m his table buddy in almost every class, but I have long been a master of the avoiding people thing. Monica keeps telling me I need to be more open to new people, and to new things; do stuff for myself. And who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. She actually said, ‘flying fuck’. I thought I was going to die of dehydration from the tears of laughter.

So today, part of my new plan of do more for me, is signing up to be a tutor. I know, I know. Totally sounds like more of doing stuff for other people, but I love to teach, and so really, it’s kind of selfish. Plus, this way, I actually get to interact with people without the fear of Tegan and her cronies swooping in; they wouldn’t be caught dead in the library.

“Ah, Erin,” Mrs. Appleby, our librarian, greets me at the main desk. “Monica said you might stop by to see me soon. I’m glad you decided to join up for the program. What are you looking to help with?”

“I don’t know. I was thinking English and History? They tend to be my best classes, but I can help with Math, Calculus and Trig – and Chemistry, if it’s needed, too?”

“Thank you so much, dear! I have a feeling you’re going to be very busy. I hope you don’t mind that!” she asks with a worried look on her face

“Of course not,” I smile at her reassuringly.

“Brilliant. We’re running a bit low on volunteers this year, but it all counts towards your college applications, you know,” she says with so much pep, I almost gag.

“Of course, Mrs. Appleby.” I fill in the form with my cell and email details. “If anyone wants help, I’m happy for them to contact me directly if it’s easier for you.”

“Splendid! We’ll get you registered today. Thank you so much.”

“Any time. I’m just going to go get some cramming in for my first paper. Yell if you need me.”

“We don’t yell in here, dearie. It’s a library.” I go to tell her it’s just a saying, but decide against it. Mrs. Appleby has worked here longer than I care to think. Her white hair is always styled short and curled, she reminds me of a typical grandma you’d see on T.V. It’s kind of adorable, but damn, she can be as scary as a dragon if you piss her off.

I make my way to the back corner of the library, where I can work in peace. Gathering the books, I need to make a start on my history paper, I put my headphones in and get to work. I manage to work for about fifteen minutes before my cell starts pinging.

 

Unknown: So, you’ll be my history tutor, right?

Me: Sorry, who is this? But yes, I’ve signed up to tutor history.

Unknown: Awesome. Well, Mrs. Appleby pointed me in your direction. See you in a sec.

 

What the?

Maybe I shouldn’t have just randomly given out my cell after all. I wait a few minutes, trying to keep working on my paper, but my anxiety is getting the better of me. That’s when I see Mason.

“Can’t avoid me anymore, tiger.” Mason smirks at me and I drop my head to the table.

“Seriously? This is meant to be a serious tutoring gig. Do you even need help?” I groan.

“No need to sound so excited, sweetheart. But yes, I really do need help. And if you’re even half as good as Mrs. Appleby made out, then I seriously need your help.” He drops into the chair opposite me, and stares me down.

God, I can smell him from here and lordy! There has to be something wrong with him, right? He can’t be this super nice, super hot, beautiful smelling man, right? God, I hope not.

“Fine, if you actually need help, I will help. Where should we start?”

“You tell me, teach!” he smirks at me again, flashing those pearly whites.

Focus Erin.

We spend the next hour going through everything he’s studied before, I don’t know where he went to school last, but apparently, they didn’t really do much in the way of teaching History. I help him create a list of points to start his paper, and give him the chapters he’ll need to read in order to catch up. That’s all before he actually starts writing it.

“You have my number, so if you need any help, just text me. Please don’t call. I won’t answer. I hate talking on the phone.”

“Sure thing. And thank you. I know you don’t really know me, and you didn’t have to agree to help me, but I really need to do well this year and graduate.”

“Of course, I’ll help however I can.” I smile, gathering up my stuff and packing my bag.

“You want to grab something to eat?” he asks me.

“Thanks, but I can’t. I have to get home; Monica will worry.”

“Monica?” He looks puzzled. Apparently, he’s not as caught up on small town life as I thought.

“She’s my guardian. Maybe another night?”

“Sure! I’m a patient guy, I can wait.”

“Of course, you are,” I snort before covering my hands with my face. I did not just do that. Holy hell. Fuck my life. Of course, today was going too well.

“Catch you around, Erin,” he chuckles as he walks away from me, leaving me to wallow in my new embarrassment.

So much for a day lacking Erin-isms.

I get home to a very non-worried Monica who is huddled on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn, watching Netflix.

“Productive day?” I ask, trying to hold back the giggle. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, but it’s on top of her head, making her look like a pineapple. She’s still in her pj’s with her poncho covering her shoulders.

“Today, is officially a duvet day! Plus, I discovered cheddar popcorn. Someone out there is a popcorn genius, I tell you. I’m beginning to see why you have this on so often. Netflix is the Devil’s work. I’ve done nothing all day.” It comes out in one long, guilty, but not really caring, babbled stream of words.

“Anddddd, breathe,” I laugh. “Everyone gets a duvet day sometimes, and yes, Netflix is the Devil, but not really, because there’s so much good with it.”

“This is very true,” she agrees, slumping back down on the sofa. I climb on next to her and snuggle under the blankets. She’s literally made a Netflix fort! “How was your day?”

“It was good. I managed not to burn down the school, or stab anyone. I also signed up for the tutoring program, anddddd I have my first tutee.”

“Way to sound enthusiastic, Erin. Who’s the tutee?”

“It’s the new guy at school. Apparently, History isn’t his thing.”

“Oooooo, new guy, hey? Is he cute?” She teases.

“Oh, please. I mean sure, if you’re into that whole, mysterious, bad boy type.” I sigh, rolling my eyes.

“You like him then, huh?”

“What? Don’t be absurd.”

“Girlie, you are a lot of things, but a good liar isn’t one of them! I could see that blush from the moon. Anyway, if he really is a bad boy, just don’t get too close. You’re a big girl, and I know you can look after yourself, so I won’t do some big drawn out speech. Just be careful.”

“Duly noted. Now, what are we watching?” I ask snuggling down.

We sit and watch some series about people in the future colonizing space. It’s weird, but I’m addicted and I can’t help myself. At about eleven, we call it a night and head to bed. I plug my cell in to charge and it starts chirping like its possessed. I check it out and see fifty new notifications on ‘Connected!’ along with a bunch of private messages. Apparently, someone decided to spam me. Brilliant.

I open the messages to delete them, but end up staring at them, unable to look away.

 

Unknown: ‘Erin is a sad, dirty whore who needs to get a life. Preferably somewhere far away from here’

Unknown: ‘Why don’t you just cut your wrists already; nobody wants you here.’

Unknown: ‘Nobody would miss you if you were gone. Just put us all out of our misery already.’

 

Dozens of messages fill my screen and I can’t help the tears, which run down my face. What did I ever do to deserve this? I unplug my cell and throw it across the room.

ARGH!

Anger wells up inside me, taking over the sadness threatening to drown me. How dare they do this to me! Who the hell do they think they are?

Monica’s head pops around my door and she sees my very smashed lamp on the floor next to my phone, and the tears I’ve not managed to hide. She enters the room.

“Come here, sweetheart,” she whispers, pulling me into her arms. “Is there anything I can do?” I shake my head and cry into her arms. I cry until I can’t cry anymore and my head feels like its lined with lead.

“Thank you. I’ll be okay now,” I tell her – my voice flat.

“Are you sure? We could go to the principal? To the sheriff? I’m not stupid, I know how these things go.”

“There’s no point. If anything, it will make it worse. If I ignore it, if I pretend it doesn’t get to me, they’ll move on, eventually.”

“I don’t like this, Erin. If it gets much worse, I’ll be dealing with it myself, you hear?”

“Yes ma’am,” I say to placate her, but she has no idea how bad it can be really. I’ve told her some stuff; I haven’t had a choice with some it, like when my clothes were ruined, or when our house front was vandalized. But the everyday stuff – she has no idea. Not really.

She closes the door behind her as she leaves, and I curl up in the middle of my bed. I try so hard to not let them get to me. Hell, most of the time, I enjoy being outcast and invisible to them. I don’t have to live up to all of the normal expectations I see others struggling with on a daily basis. Who’s wearing what, listening to who, dating who. Who kissed who, are you still a virgin? High school is exhausting. But its times like this, when I’m not so invisible, it’s hard. I hear my phone chime again from across the room. Sighing, I get up to turn it off, but when I pick it up, fairly unscathed I might add, I see a name I wasn’t expecting.

 

Mason: Hey, tiger, I just wanted to say thank you for agreeing to tutor me. I really do need your help. I can’t remember saying it before.

Me: It’s fine. I honestly don’t mind

Mason: Well, thanks anyway. I’ll see you at school on Monday?

Me: Sure thing

Mason: Unless you want to hang out tomorrow?

Me: Erm… I’ll have to make sure I don’t already have plans

Mason: You do that. I’ll pick you up at like 3?

Mason: Don’t be a douche and pretend you have plans. Hanging out with me won’t kill you.

Me: Fine :P I’ll see you at 3.

I climb back into bed feeling better than I did before. Maybe the whole world isn’t full of jerk-offs?

 

***

 

“So, what time do you think you’ll be home?” Monica pries as she sits on my bed, waiting for me to finish my hair. I have no idea what we’re doing so I’ve just gone casual with my jeans and layered tee. Converse, for comfort in case we’re walking, and my hair hanging loose down my back.

“No idea, I don’t even know where we’re going.”

“Hmmmm, and this boy – he’s new?”

“Yes, Monica. He’s the one I told you I was tutoring. I’m sure he just wants to say thank you. This town isn’t always the most welcoming, you know – even for Mason Knight.”

“So, do I get to meet him?”

“Erm, maybe? But probably not today, this isn’t a date or anything.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know what it was,” she says with a sly smile.

“Oh hush. I don’t, but it’s not a date.”

“Uh-huh. If you say so,” she teases, as the doorbell sounds.

“You stay right here, lady!” I warn her as she giggles.

“I thought it wasn’t a date!” she calls after me as I rush down the stairs. I roll my eyes before opening the door.

“Hey,” I say, trying not to drool. This might not be a date but I have eyes, and I’d have to be blind not to appreciate how beautiful he is.

“Hey, you ready?” He asks, his hands jammed into the front pockets of his jeans, making his arms strain against the material of this black tee.

“Sure,” I grab my hoodie and follow him to his car. The shiny black Camaro seems huge, but it’s just beautiful. “Nice car,”

“Thanks – it was my pops.”

“Wow, he must really trust you if he lets you drive this.”

“It was his pride and joy, that’s for sure. My ma and pops died a few years back. Me and him used to work on it together, so I kept working on it to get it running.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. Like I said, it was a few years ago. Anyway, I was thinking we could catch a movie, then maybe a burger? I need your worldly wisdom to show me where’s best to eat in this little town.” He smirks, making fun of me.

“Ah yes, the choices, the choices! All of the lean cuisine available, but you can never go wrong at Patty’s. The burgers there are literally the best, plus, she serves tacos, which are far superior to burgers.”

“What sort of American are you?” He looks at me with false dismay, his hand over his heart and I can’t stop the laughter that bubbles up out of me.

“Sorry to disappoint,” I giggle, “but if you tell me you don’t like Taco’s, I’m going to have to get back out of this car.”

“It’s not even Tuesday!” He laughs.

“Ahh, Taco Tuesday. Where the love began,” I sigh.

“Fine, so the girl loves herself a taco. Patty’s it is.” He starts the car, and heads towards the center of town. “Now, movies? Please tell me you’re not one of those girls who only watches chick flicks and refuses to watch a decent action or thriller?”

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint again,” I cross my arms in a fake huff and watch as he tries to work out if I’m actually annoyed at him. I catch the awkward look on his face and laugh at him again.

“Dude, please,” I say. “Give me superheroes over damsels in distress, any day.”

“Not cool,” he chuckles. “But at least she likes superheroes.”

He pulls up and parks behind the theatre, before running around the car to open the door for me.

“Good manners to boot. Who would’ve thought?” I tease.

“My Grams would kick my ass if she even suspected my manners slipped,” he says shyly, but I can see just from those few words that his grams hangs the moon.

“You live with your grams?” I ask. I don’t want to pry too much; I know what it’s like being an orphan. Everyone thinks they deserve to know your story, even when you don’t know the story yourself.

“Yeah, me and my little brother, Parker. She took us in after the accident. We moved down here for Parker, the schools are better here, and he has a decent chance at a scholarship for UT here. He’s only twelve, but he’s a gifted little shit. You should see him with a football, it’s like poetry.”

“Makes a lot of sense.”

“So, thriller or horror?”

“I’m a thriller girl myself,”

“Thriller it is.” He says getting our tickets from the front counter, before leading me over to the concessions counter. Twenty dollars, and with a mountain of popcorn, red vines, and M&M’s, we head into the theatre.

The movie was terrible, but laughing over how terrible it was has made for a jokes afternoon. I’m still picking popcorn out of my hair from where the guy behind us got so frustrated, he threw his entire bucket in the air. We walk out, still laughing at what will forever be known as, ‘the disaster movie’, straight into Evan, Tegan, and their merry band of goons.

“Mason,” Tegan coos. “What are you doing here?”

I roll my eyes, seriously?

“Same thing everyone else is, watching a movie,” he says, sarcasm thick in his voice. He goes up a few points in my books; at least he’s not falling for her ditzy routine.

“Oh silly! Who are you here with? Do you want to join us?” She asks, looking at me incredulously.

“No, I’d much rather hang out with, Erin. You know, the person you can see stood right next to me.”

“It’s fine, Mason. I’m practically invisible to these people; this so isn’t worth it. Can we go?”

“Sure thing,” he says turning to leave with me.

“You should be careful who you hang around with, Mason. You don’t want to be caught with slutty trash.” Becca goads as we walk away.

I see his jaw go tight but I just keep walking away, pretending what she said doesn’t bother me.

“Slutty trash? Really, Becca? Maybe you should pay closer attention in class. Maybe then, you’d actually understand the words you’re so causally tossing around. The only slutty trash I see around here, is the trash I’m looking at,” he fires back before turning back to follow me. He opens the door to his car for me again, and closes it wordlessly before getting in himself.

“Are you okay?” He asks, his hands gripping the steering wheel.

“I’m fine. It’s really nothing new. Mean girls exist everywhere, don’t let it get to you.”

“It shouldn’t be fine, Erin. Those girls have no reason to treat you the way they do. From what I’ve seen, you’re one of the nicest people in this god-forsaken place.”

“It is what it is, Mason, but thank you for being different from the norm. I don’t think anyone else has ever stood up to them for me.”

“Yeah, your friend, Evan seems like a real stellar guy,” he says, putting the car in gear and pulling out of the spot. We drive around for a bit, music playing on the stereo as he calms.

“You like Jaded Hearts?” I ask, shocked, as the song starts up on his playlist.

“Who doesn’t? I’m not normally one for a female fronted rock band, but these guys are killer.”

“Oh my god; nobody around here would have any idea about the words you just said. Finally, someone with decent taste!”

“You’re kidding me, right?” He asks and I shake my head excitedly before directing him to Patty’s.

“Rock music isn’t exactly the stereotypical happy place for most of the robots here. They all like dance, or techno, with a deep-seated love for country music. I don’t get the mix, but it’s true,” I explain. “Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Luke Bryan and Sam Hunt as much as any girl, but things are a little… blinkered here.”

“Well, thank god for out-of-towners, huh?” He says with a wink.

He leads me through the door of Patty’s and we sit in a back booth, ordering food before Mason speaks again.

“So, those girls – are they always like that?”

“Not always, but yeah, pretty much. Most of the time, they just pretend I don’t exist, which is fine; I like the quiet life.”

“You shouldn’t have to put up with that, Erin.”

“I know, but it’s a long story,” I say, before telling him the short version of Tegan’s love to hate on me; about how I was left on the church steps and how Monica took me in.

“Well, that’s just ridiculous, but Monica sounds awesome.”

“Welcome to Rocky Falls, I guess,” I say as the waitress brings over our milkshakes.

“So, tell me some more about you. You live with your Grams?”

“Yeah, she might be old, but that lady can still bust a move. She can be scary as shit, too; just don’t tell her I told you that,” he chuckles. “But yeah, it’s me and Parker against the world for the most part. I was lucky enough to find a job at a local garage when we moved here so I can help my grams with the bills and stuff, ya know. I can’t imagine it’s easy looking after us both after losing her son; not when she was ready to get to living life for herself.”

“I’m sure she loves having you guys around.”

“She does now. But one of the reasons we moved was because of some trouble I got in to at my old school. Looking back at it now, I know it was stupid, but you know when you fall in with certain people, things spiral and you don’t even notice it until it’s too late. So, yeah… I just want to keep my head down, start fresh, and not cause grams any trouble while we get Parker to where he needs to be.”

We enjoy the rest of the night just talking about music, films, sticking to the lighter subject, before he takes me home.

“Thank you for today,” I say when he pulls up in front of my house.

“I’m just sorry we ran into those idiot’s part way through,” he says, turning to me. “Maybe we can do this again, some time?”

“Erm, yeah sure,” I agree, with a quick smile. I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone since Charli left. The feeling in the car shifts as he looks over me. His stormy eyes grow darker as he leans in closer to me, his hand cupping my chin. I panic at the change and open the car door, breaking the tension. Before I can get out, he grabs my hand.

“Just, don’t make me wait too long yeah?” He says, his voice is low as his eyes rake over me.

“Sure thing. See you at school,” I say before closing the door and hurrying up the drive.

See you at school? God, I’m such an idiot.