“Unable are the loved to die.

For love is immortality.”

~ Emily Dickinson

 

I run into the hospital, and head straight to the nurses’ station. I can’t catch my breath.

“Monica Michaels?” I ask the lady behind the desk.

“Room 322. I’m so sorry, Erin,” she says, I don’t recognize her. My whole world stopped when I got the call from Jamie, telling me Monica was in hospital and that time was of the essence.

“Uncle Jamie?” I call out when I see him in the corridor. He gathers me up in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Erin. I wanted to tell you, but she made me promise. She made me promise,” he says, holding me tighter. “I am so sorry.”

“Can I see her?” I plead, hoping I’m not too late.

“You can go in, but she’s different, Erin. She didn’t want you to see her like this, but I refused to not let you say goodbye to her. She doesn’t know you’re here, yet.”

I nod and step back from him.

“Mason will be here in a minute; can you ask him to give me some time with her?”

“Anything. I’ll be here for you too, Erin.”

“Thank you,” I say, taking a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for whatever it is I’ll find on the other side of the door.

I take another breath and grasp the handle, but I can’t seem to open it. Part of me doesn’t want to open the door. If I open it, then it’s real. But if I don’t, I could miss my chance. I take another deep breath and push the door open, gasping at the sight of her.

Monica is lying in her hospital bed, looking so frail, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month since I saw her last. Her skin is ghostly and for a moment, I fear she’s already left us. She’s hooked up to more machines than I care to count. I’m stood there, barely breathing when she turns her head to me and smiles. It literally feels like my heart is exploding with love and sadness.

“Erin,” she says, her breath short. “My beautiful gift.”

I can’t stop the sob that takes me as I rush to her beside. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want that to be our last moment. I want her to die knowing she made me happy; that she gave me a wonderful life, and that I love her beyond measure.

“I can’t lose you, Mom,” I say, burying my head against her chest. “I don’t know how to survive without you.”

“You, my beautiful girl, are stronger than you know.” I try to ignore the tear tracing her cheeks because it hurts too goddamn much. “You gave me a life I never thought I would have. You were a gift. You showed me love exists. The moment I held you, I knew my life would never be the same again. I was terrified I would mess up, that I would break you. That I’d lead you wrong. But look at you now, you’re grown, you’re strong, and you’ve lived through more than most people double your age. You have risen beyond any and all expectations I could have ever dreamed up. But now my sweet girl, it is time for you to let me go. You have Mason. He loves you. He’ll always love you – I can tell.”

“That’s what he vowed,” I say, smiling, dangling my wedding band in front of her.

She looks at it for a moment, as if the process of working it out is almost too much, and then the biggest grin breaks across her face and I’m grateful for this moment; this one last moment of joy.

“Congratulations,” She pats my hands, “Mrs. Knight.”

I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight, as if somehow I can hold her back from heaven; keep her grounded here with us, forever.

“You have to let me go, Erin. You know I always told you, butterflies are the beautiful souls taken too soon. Now, you’ll get to see me become a butterfly all of my own.”

Her eyes close and I can see how much this talk with me has taken from her.

“I love you so much. Why didn’t you tell me you were ill?”

“Dying, Erin. I’ve been dying – and I because I love you more than life, Erin, that’s why.”

“But…”

“No buts. I didn’t want you to sacrifice a moment of your happiness for me, not when you finally started living for yourself. You promise me, you won’t let this win. I need to know you’ll keep going – that you’ll live your life to the fullest, and follow all your dreams. Promise me?”

“I promise,” I swear, the lump in my throat makes it almost impossible to speak. I squeeze her hand as the tears cascade down my cheeks. The machines around her start to sound and doctors rush into the room, followed by Mason who catches me before I hit the floor.

She’s gone.

I can feel it. I watch as the doctors call out her time of death, and silence the machines. The pain rips through me and Mason holds me close, whispering to me that he’s got me. He always has me.

I fight against him, screaming as I try to get back to her. This can’t be it. Life can’t be this cruel. I didn’t have enough time with her. There were so many things I had to tell her, so many things we still had to share. I was meant to have the chance to tease her as her grey came through, she was meant to watch me graduate and become a doctor, like we’ve worked for, for all this time. She was meant to be a nanna someday – she would have made the most beautiful nanna. I’m not ready for her to be gone, I never will be.

“Erin, baby, I need you to breathe.”

I hear Mason but he sounds so far away. Then, he’s in front of me, blocking Monica from my sight. He picks me up and takes me out of the room while I fall apart in his arms. 

How am I meant to live without her?

 

***

 

The next few days pass in a blur. I’m so grateful to have Mason, Jamie, and Scottie. One of them is always with me, though sometimes, I wish they’d just leave me alone; give me some space to breathe. I’ve not had to worry about anything, Jamie and Monica took care of all of the details before she died. It still feels weird thinking she’s dead. It doesn’t feel real yet. It’s like it couldn’t possibly have happened to us. You hear about cancer taking loved ones in books, in movies, even in the news, but you never think it will happen to you. The fact she hid it from me for months makes it harder to accept.

Jamie told me she found out just before the shooting at the school, before Christmas, but she didn’t want to bring down the mood of her last few months. She knew she only had about a year to live, and she didn’t want her cancer tainting any of the memories she’d take with her, or leave behind.

In a way, I understand it, in another, I don’t. The memories of this last year are insane, but it’s been one of the best of my life, right up until now. I don’t think knowing it was coming would have made it hurt any more, or less. I can’t even imagine what it was like going through that and keeping it a secret from me. Even in her last moments, she was thinking of me; pushing me to live my life, the same way I would’ve if she were here.

I close my eyes as another tear slips from my eyes. I thought that by now I’d be cried dry, but each time I hear her voice on the voicemail, or I hear her favorite songs on the radio, they come back.

What I have come to accept is grief is tumultuous and unpredictable. One minute, I’m laughing about something stupid we’ve done, talking about her with Mason, or Scottie, and the next, I’m crying and wondering how the word is still turning without her.

It feels like I’m playing a waiting game; fighting, struggling, waiting for the storm to pass. There’s no-one to blame, nowhere for me to direct my anger when it washes over me. I don’t know which way is up, or where I’m going, I just know she wouldn’t want me to be stuck, which is exactly how I feel. This makes me cry all over again because I feel like I’m letting her down.

“Erin,” I look up and see Mason poking his head around the door.

He smiles a small smile before walking in with a plate of Taco’s and a glass of orange juice. I can’t help but laugh at him.

“You get that it’s like eight in the morning, right?” I laugh, but this is exactly why I love him.

“Who are you and what have you done with my wife? Taco’s for breakfast should be law according to her.”

He smiles, and brings the tray to me in bed before sitting across from me. He looks uneasy.

“So, I have something for you, but I don’t know if you’re ready for it yet. I also know I don’t want to keep it from you – and it should be your decision.”

“Erm...? What are you talking about?” I ask as hands me a plain white envelope with my name scrawled across the front in Monica’s handwriting.

“Where did you get this?” I ask, holding it as if it will crumble in my hands any minute. 

“I found it downstairs, near a cupcake mix box. I was looking for the stuff to make you breakfast. Apparently, Taco’s come with cupcakes,” he says with a small, cheeky smile that I can’t help but mirror.

“Taco’s and cupcakes are the law, and you know it,” I say, crying and laughing all at once. I don’t know how it’s possible but this is my life right now.

“Do you want me to give you some space? Or I can stay here with you while you read it?”

“Can you give me a moment.” He nods and leaves, saying “Just please try to eat something okay? I’m just going to run home to grab some more clothes, but call if you need me. I love you.”

“I love you, too – so much. Thank you, for everything.” He smiles, bending and pressing a kiss to my forehead before leaving me alone with the letter feels like a grenade and I spend several moments staring at it. I really don’t want to open it. I inhale deeply and rip open the seal. I don’t know that I’m ready to read it, but I also don’t know if I cannot read it.

 

Erin,

my beautiful girl. I don’t know when it is you’re reading this, but I know if you are, I am gone. I am so sorry for leaving you too soon. Know I fought it with everything I had, but my number was called – and in the end, I was powerless to stop it, which means you were, too. Remember that.

I miss you.

Know that, that is true. No matter how long it is until you read this, the same will still be true. Every day that I am gone, I will miss you even more until I get to see your beautiful face again. Know I will never truly leave you. I’ll be watching over you, watching you fight the fights life brings; cheering for you, pushing you to win each and every single one. I’ll also be there to celebrate the wonderful things life has in store for you.

I am sorry – sorry for the things I will miss; your first day of college, your first day as a doctor, the birth of your children, all the happy moments of your life. I can only be thankful I got to experience you meet Mason. He will make you a wonderful husband, one day. He is the love of your life. I know I can leave you, and you’ll never be alone. His love for you burns brighter than any I have ever seen, and I am so happy I got to watch you fall in love with him time and again every single day.

I love you.

I might not have been the one who gave you life, but I treasured you. I chose to love you, it wasn’t ‘just’ biology – The day you called me Mom, was the best moment of my life because you chose me, too. Love – so much love, too much for inadequate words.

Remember to live, Erin. You have the power to move mountains.  Be unafraid, because even if you fall, I know you have the strength to keep climbing.

You are my greatest achievement; you are your own greatest achievement. You are beautiful, inside and out.

So, until we meet again, my beautiful girl, know death cannot stop my love for you. l, and despite of the sadness in it, I hope it is a long time, remember that I will never stop loving you. The love we share is not a bond that even death can break. Live your life for you, for me, so you have a whole new adventure to tell me about the next time we meet.

I’ll love you forever,

Mom

Xx