“Courage is grace under pressure.”

~ Ernest Hemmingway

 

It’s been two weeks since I hit Tegan, and my suspension is finally up. Monica didn’t lose her shit, she actually high-fived me, which she admitted was a parenting fail, but that she didn’t care and went on to make me tacos. I’ve spent my time off school thinking through everything that happened, most importantly, I spent them alone.

I’ve made it through almost my entire first day back avoiding both Scottie and Mason, but it’s been a damn sight harder than I thought it would be, but the day is finally over, and I’m almost home free.

That’s when I feel hands around my waist and I’m lifted from the floor, before being carried into an abandoned music room.

"Are you ever going to tell me what it is I've done to piss you off, or is this passive aggressive shit just your style?" Mason says as he stares down at me, his arms folded. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so mad, I can practically feel it radiating from him.

"I don't know what you mean,” I say, crossing my arms and trying to look as passive as he just suggested.

"Don't give me that shit. I thought we were friends. What is your problem? Ignoring me. Ignoring Scottie. Not cool, Erin."

“You don’t get it, Mason, and that’s fine, but you don’t get to judge me or call me out on my shit just because you think you do. You don’t get to come back and wade in like everything is okay. You don’t get it, and you probably never will!” I yell at him.

I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at anyone other than that moment with Evan, but he unlocks something inside me, which makes me comfortable in my own skin, comfortable enough to be exactly who, and what, I am in this moment. Even if he pisses me off beyond imagination.

“But I do get it, Erin. You just don’t see it.” He grabs me by the shoulders, looking me in the eyes. “I understand. I understand all of it. Not being able to be who you are, what you are, because of the world around you – because  everyone else thinks you should be something or someone else. I even get sleeping with Evan, if it’s really true? Sometimes you want to just say a big ‘fuck you’ to the world, but you don’t get to shut me out.”

“That’s just it. That’s exactly why you don’t get it! They don’t see me, at least they didn't before you showed up. They don't expect me to be anything because I was invisible to them! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in a room full of people and feel utterly alone? To walk the halls of this school and have nobody notice me. They wouldn’t notice if I was here or not before. They didn’t care! You can’t get that. You rock up here and burst into my world like a freaking comet, shattering everything I knew to pieces. People see you, and because you decided, for god knows what reason, to be my friend, now they see me – but it’s still not the same. They resent me. But Evan knows I exist, he sees me. He knows me. Or I thought he did. Whatever. Did you ever think that maybe I want to be alone?”

“Maybe Evan does, Erin. Maybe I’m totally wrong, but can you honestly tell me you’re completely yourself with him? Can you tell me you don’t try to be something else for him?”

I look to the floor, unable to speak. So maybe he’s right, but who does he think he is to barge into my life and blow it to pieces.

“Exactly, Erin! I’m just trying to be your friend. You said how much you missed your friend, Charli, and I care about you. I’m just trying to look out for you. So is Scottie, and this is hurting her, too. What did she ever do wrong but try and be your friend?”

“Just stop! Please. What I do is my choice, even if nobody else gets it. Did you ever think I was doing this for her? Making her less of a target. I’m big enough and ugly enough to look out for myself!"

“I always hated that fucking saying,” he growls, moving closer to me. He’s so close I can feel his breath on my cheek. “You are the most beautiful person I have ever known. Inside and out. Don’t sell yourself short.” He inhales, tucking my hair behind my ear. The bell rings and he steps backwards.

"At least, unlike you, Evan doesn't tell people that he's just my friend because I give good head. Yeah that’s right. I know all about it. So much for being my friend. Yes, he told Tegan I slept with him, but even if I hate him for it, he didn’t lie about it," I hiss.

"What the hell are you on about?" He asks.

His voice has dropped so low that for a second, I’m scared.

"Evan told me exactly what you've been saying. He at least had the decency to tell me to my face. I heard the whispers while you were off, they followed me through the halls. Slut. Whore. I can handle all of them, I can even handle Tegan calling me out in front of everyone, but I can't handle you betraying me like that.”

"I didn't say anything like that, Erin. I would never!" He protests, and I sway. He seems so sincere, and it did seem out of character.

"I don't know..."

"This was Evan, that motherfucker! He hates that we're friends! I bet he started those rumors for this exact reason."

"Evan wouldn't do that to me," I state.

"Are you sure? A hundred percent sure he'd never do that to you?"

"I... oh I don't know! I just want to pretend none of this ever happened."

“He's not a good guy, I wish you could see that."

"At this point, my head just hurts," I say. The bells rings.

"This isn’t over, Erin but for now, I’ll drop the subject. Just know I’m only trying to protect you.”

“Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. I believe you, but I'm not sure it was Evan who started the rumors, either. But regardless, thank you, for being my friend,” I say, touching his arm as my heart tries to calm itself. “But I’m not some china doll who’s going to break. I’ve got a thick skin. I can handle this; I’ve lived it my entire life.”

 

I walk home and I think about everything that’s happened since Mason came into my life. Yes, some things have been bad. Like bad. But some things have definitely gotten better. It’s nice knowing there’s someone who cares about me. I know I have Monica, but Mason is different. Every day, he shows me maybe Evan isn’t the guy I thought he was, but I’m not ready to give up on him yet. I know he’s a good person deep down. He has to be. Right?

Monica always told me to see the good in people, even when they can’t see it in themselves. I try to live by this, regardless of how people treat me. People might think that it makes me weak, but I like to think it makes me a better person – stronger, because I can look past it all and still be happy with who I am at the end of it.

My cell chimes in my pocket and when I check it, I see a message from Evan;

 

Evan: Hey, can we talk?

Me: Sure, what’s up?

Evan: No, I mean in person.

Me: Erm, okay. I’ll be home in 10 mins.

Evan: No. Meet me by the lakes? 20 mins?

Me: Sure, see you soon

 

Weird. He’s not normally so short, but then, he doesn’t really like that I’ve been hanging out with Mason. I change direction and head towards the lakes. I love it there, it’s like a giant park made up of three huge lakes, which are all connected. It’s beautiful, and other than the few bridges and benches, it’s basically untouched by man.

I walk across the fields and sit on a rock by the lake and wait for Evan. I lose track of time, staring out across the water. The sun is starting to set and I realize Evan isn’t coming. I brush the dirt from my hands and stand. I let my long hair blow in the breeze and close my eyes. Maybe everyone else is right about him; he just keeps letting me down, but for some reason, I can’t give up my faith in him. That’s when I hear the cackles before I’m shoved from behind, falling face first into the water. I’m off balance and in the water before I have time to react, my face catching a rock under the surface. The skin on my cheek tears and the pain is excruciating. I push myself up and gasp for air, my lungs burning, and my nose stinging from taking in water as I fell. I hear their laughter before I turn and face them. Tegan and her merry band of bitches. Shocker. I touch my cheek and wince; blood trickles down my cheek.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I shout. Apparently, today is a day for it.

“Nothing, though you look like you could use a towel – and maybe a face transplant.” Tegan smirks.

“Don’t forget the lipo. Did you see how much she floated. Not a surprise with an ass that size. I mean, have you seen how many cupcakes she stuffs in her face,” Chrissy chimes in.

“Oh, I don’t know, I thought with all that weight, she might just sink. Or she might just do us all a favor and stay under the water. Nobody wants you here, Erin. Do us all a favor, next time, and just die,” Becca rounds up the taunts before they turn and walk away from me. I’m still stood in the lake, with my face cut, and freezing from the breeze that’s whipped up now the sun has set. Well what a fucking joy this evening turned out to be.

My phone rings in my bag, which luckily didn’t take the plunge with me. I slip as I struggle to pull myself up onto the rocks at the side of the lake and cut my hand in the process. Fucking wonderful. By the time I get to my bag, my phone has stopped ringing. One missed call from Mason, and nothing from Evan. I sigh before dialing Mason.

“Erin, are you okay?”

“I’ve been better,” I say, my teeth chattering. “What's up?”

“I stopped by to see you, see if we could make a head way on our history paper and Monica said you hadn’t been home. I was worried.”

He sounds it, and I sigh.

“I’m at the lakes. Can you come and get me?”

“Sure thing; I’ll be there in five. Stay put,” he says before hanging up. I grab my bag and carry it in the hand that isn’t bleeding then walk over to the road preparing myself for Mason getting a glimpse into the reality of my life. The things I tried to hide, but I guess, if he’s going to be my friend, he’s going to work it out eventually. I mean it’s not like he hasn’t seen it before.

I barely wait for a minute before I see his Camaro coming towards me. He pulls to a stop in front of me before jumping out of the car and stalking towards me. The anger on his face scares me a little before I realize he’s not angry at me.

“What the hell, Erin? What happened?"

“Not what? Who,” I say quietly.

“Who did this?” He growls, reaching up and touching my face, pulling back at my wince. “Christ, you must be freezing!”

He bundles me up in his hoodie and walks me to the car like I might break. “We’re going to need to go to the hospital to get you checked over, and then you’re going to tell me exactly what happened.”

He’s not let me speak yet, but I stay quiet, doing as he asks. I know I’m hurt, that’s why I asked him to come and get me. This isn’t like normal. This is worse. We’ve gone from casual taunts and slushie showers to me possibly needing stitches. I’m not stupid – I know it’s bad. He drives us in silence to the small town hospital, which is more like a doctor’s office, but it does the job.

Once I've been seen by the doctor, and I'm all patched up, Mason drives me home. He's barely said a word to me since he picked me up. Pulling up in front of my house, he turns to me, his anger barely contained. His eyes look like a raging storm ready to punish the world.

"Tell me everything, Erin. Everything. I mean it," he demands through gritted teeth.

"There's nothing to tell; I slipped and I fell," I lie, I mean, it would be completely believable to anyone who actually knows me.

“You already told me someone did this to you, Erin. Don’t lie to me.” He pulls at this hair, and I can see he's not going to let this go.

"Please, just let it go, Mason."

"Let it go! Are you fucking kidding me, Erin? I just took you to the hospital. The fucking hospital! And you want me to let it go?" He hits the steering wheel making me jump before turning to me again. "I have my suspicions about what is going on, but you are going to tell me the truth goddamn it; I refuse to let you be hurt like this."

"If I tell you, then it’s real," I say softly, touching his forearm. "Then it's not something I can just brush off."

"This isn't something that should be brushed off, Erin," He says softening and cupping my chin. I wince a little as he strokes my cheek. "I hate seeing you hurt. Worse, is not knowing what is going on. Let me help you."

I sigh and tell him everything. Right from the beginning of Tegan’s tirade about how it got worse recently; the messages online, my stuff stolen from the locker rooms, my locker; about the strange messages from Evan, followed by them showing up tonight. Tears stream down my face by the time I'm done, and he lifts me over the center console, taking me in his arms and hugging me tightly.

"Thank you for telling me and for trusting me. I am so sorry you had to deal with this alone. I'm here now, and believe me, this is going to stop." I take in his words and feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders. There’s a knock at the window and Monica is peering in the window. Oh hell. I quickly climb off of Mason's lap and back into the passenger seat, grabbing my bag.

"Erm, thank you again for everything. I'll see you soon?" I say as I scramble for the door handle.

He chuckles lowly behind me. "Sure thing, Erin. I'll be around," he says as I climb out of the door to face a smirking Monica.

"Bye, Mason," I squeak before shutting the door and heading to the front porch, Monica hot on my heels.

"So that is Mason, huh? Nice!" She exclaims and I can feel my blush rise to the roots of my hair. This night has been so far from what I ever expected.

"Please, just don’t," I say, opening the front door and waving to Mason as he drives away.

"Okay, that I'll get go. But the stitches on your face. Yeah, that not so much. I should be calling the police, Erin," she says sternly, following me in the house to the kitchen.

"Was it those bullies again, Erin? You need to tell someone. Anyone. But it can't keep happening, and if you won't let me talk to the school or their parents, you need to take control of it," she says indignantly

"I told, Mason. Does that count?"

She raises her eyebrows, and it’s all I can do not to laugh at her expression.

"Probably not, but it’s a start. I will respect your wishes of not getting involved, but if it gets any worse, Erin, I will have no choice but to go to the police. You ending up with stitches isn't a small thing."

"I understand. Thank you for treating me like an adult and letting me handle this. I know it’s getting worse, but I can handle it."

"You're growing up, what else am I going to do?" she says and shrugs with a smile. "Though, not too old for Taco Tuesday, right?"

"Never!"