“Words, like nature, half reveal,

and half conceal the soul within.”

~ Lord Alfred Tennyson

 

I wake up the next morning with a smile still on my face. It’s early when my alarm goes off, and I’m shattered, but it was totally worth it. I hear my laptop ringing from across the room. I look over to see Charli’s face staring at me. Throwing off the covers, I pad across the room and grab it before getting back into bed.

“Morning,” I yawn.

“Hey, bitch. Why are you so sleepy?”

“Late night. You okay?” I ask, pulling the comforter around my shoulders.

“Late night? You? Huh?”

“I went to a Jaded Hearts gig with Mason,” I tell her casually, trying to play it down, because 3…2…1…

“HOLYSHITOHMYGODWHATDOYOUMEANTELLMEEVERYTHING!” she gushes without taking a breath and I can’t help but laugh. She always makes me laugh.

“This is no time to laugh at me, Erin Michaels! Don’t you dare hold out on me!”

“What? There’s not much to tell, he invited me to the gig after we went out last weekend. We talked about our epic love for Jaded Hearts, then he surprised me with tickets yesterday. Nothing major.”

“Nothing major, my fucking ass! This is HUGE! You went out, and not just out, out with the new hot guy in town!”

“Stop it, he’s just my friend. I mean, he kissed me, but we’re just friends.”

“Shut the front fucking door! He kissed you? These are important details; I demand to know abso-fucking-lutely everything!”

“You’re such a potty mouth, you know that, right?”

“ERIN!!!”

I sigh and fill her in on the night before – not that there’s much more to tell her, because like I said, it really was no big deal. Except, he kissed me. After saying he’s not going to push me…

I push the thoughts to the back of my brain. I can’t focus on all that right now, not when Evan is stood at my bedroom window again. I roll my eyes and make my excuses to Charli before opening the window.

“You could knock on the front door like civilized people, you know? Or don’t you want people knowing I’m your dirty little secret?”

“Seriously? Already, Erin? I literally just got here.”

“Yeah, well, when you only talk to me in private, what am I meant to think. What do you want?”

“I came to check in on you. Monica said you were out last night, with Mason? He’s not a good guy. You need to steer clear of him.”

“That’s real funny, cause it’s what everyone keeps saying to me about you, too, Evan.”

“I’m being serious, Erin. He’s been telling people at school he’s only hanging out with you because you sucked his dick real good, and he’s just waiting for you to put out.”

“Shut your face, Evan. Mason wouldn’t say something like that.”

“Are you sure about that? Because I heard it from Tommy, just after he was speaking to Mason. The other guys on the team said they’d heard it, too. I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want you looking out for me. You don’t seem to have a stellar reputation for good judgment – I mean, look at your goddamn girlfriend. You said you’d speak to her, get her off my case; her and her flunkies destroyed my clothes yesterday, after gym. Maybe you should just leave me the hell alone, Evan,” I say, panting with anger. I don’t remember ever feeling this angry. Maybe it’s the humiliation of what he told me, but I don’t believe it. Mason isn’t that sort of guy.

“You hardly know the guy, Erin.”

“GET OUT!” I scream, and throw the glass on my bedside cabinet at him.

“Fucking hell! You’ve actually lost it,” he screams, ducking the glass.

Monica bursts in the room and sees me about to burst into tears, the broken glass, and a very angry Evan by my open window.

“Evan, I suggest you leave, and think twice before coming back here. If I find you in here again, I’ll be speaking to your parents. Now leave, through the front door, not the window – let’s have a bit of grace,” she tells him quietly, her anger just barely contained. She has no idea what’s gone on, but she’s instantly in my corner and on my side, and I love her for it. Evan storms past her, followed by the loud slamming of our front door.

“That boy,” she mutters, shaking her head. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

“I’ll be fine; he was just being a jerk.”

“Oh, honey, you can call him an asshole,” she says and I giggle. Hearing her cuss is weird. “Hey, I just call um as I see um!”

She walks over and hugs me tightly. “Well if that’s all, I’m going to go climb back into bed for a few hours. I’m exhausted.”

“Are you okay, Mon?” I ask, she looks really tired, and thin. How have I not noticed how thin she looks?

“I’m fine, don’t you worry that pretty little head. How about after I get in a few more z’s, we go shopping? Stationary supplies, and all things book?”

“Hell, yes!”

“That’s my girl, and there’s that smile. Wake me up at eleven and we’ll head out, okay?”

“Sure thing, Mon. I can’t wait.”

 

***

 

I let out a long groan as soon as I wake. I really do not want to head in to school today. If it wasn’t already bad enough, what with the whole Teagan and her shower ‘joke’, Evan is bound to be orchestrating some kind of revenge – and then there is Mason. Mason who kissed me. Kissed me!

Evan’s little bit of ‘friendly information’ infiltrates my moment of happiness. I really can’t believe that Mason would say those things – not to those idiots – not at all. I’ve always prided myself on being a good judge of character… ha! Who am I kidding? If I was that good, then why the hell did I sleep with Evan. I let out another groan. My life is a mess.

I struggle out of bed and scrape together the most attention un-seeking outfit I can find, pulling my hair into a messy knot before packing my bag. I really should have had a shower, but one look at the clock told me that was a luxury I couldn’t afford this morning. I promise myself a long, slow soak in the bath that night – a reward for surviving what is promising to be a day full of shit.

I survive the morning relatively unscathed, and I’m just beginning to relax when I see Mason heading down the corridor. It’s pretty empty and he’s already seen me so there’s no escaping. I take a deep breath and try to fight the blush creeping over my cheeks as my brain refuses to ignore the memory of his kiss.

“Hey, tiger!” He says with an ear splitting grin. “You okay?” He asks, his eyes running over my shambolic state.

“Just great,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Best day ever.”

“Woah, what’s the deal” He says, side hugging me.

I’d promised myself I wouldn’t blurt everything out to Mason; that I was going to keep the whole thing between me and Evan far away from him, but I can practically hear the accusations chattering about in my head, and I know I’m losing the battle to keep them in.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say, sighing. “Just the usual shit. You know what it’s like?”

His face turns serious and he looks at me with his brow raised. “Why don’t you tell me what it’s like?”

I wriggle free from the weight of his arm. “It’s really not worth talking about.”

He shrugs. “Okay, but if you do want to talk about it, I’m all ears,” he says taking my bag.

“What are you doing?”

“Carrying your bag for you?”

“Why?”

“Because it’s heavy.”

“I can carry my own bag,” I say, trying to snatch it back. “Do you think I’m some loser who can’t even carry my own bag? Do you think that kind of fake kindness fools me?”

Mason stopped in his tracks and is looking at me like I’m deranged. He looks genuinely hurt and I know Evan is a shit-stirrer, and he’s winning.

“Hey, I don’t know what’s happened this morning, but – one, I was just carrying your bag because it looked heavy, and two, there’s nothing – I mean, nothing, about me being kind towards you that is fake anything. Why would you say that?”

Shit, I’ve done it now, I think, screwing my eyes together. “I’m sorry,” I mutter. “It’s just…”

At that moment, one of Evan’s soccer boys walks by and greets Mason with an over dramatic, “Morning, Mason,” followed by a nod and a wink in my direction.

A hot wave of humiliation washes over me. God, Evan was fucking right on the money.

“I’ve… I’ve got to go,” I stammer, trying to escape before the tears let loose. I take back my bag and dash off in the other direction, ignoring Mason’s calls after me.

 

After a relaxing soak and an evening of self-care, I come to understand Evan has got exactly what he wanted; I’ve flipped out at Mason and now he thinks I’m a complete bitch. There had been nothing to suggest Evan’s shit-stirring was true – I’d just completely over-reacted to nothing more than the same-old-usual stupid, pathetic jock behavior. The look on Mason’s face should have been enough to tell me everything I needed to know – he was a genuinely kind guy. It was just, I wasn’t used to people like that; you know, kind.

I go to bed thinking how I can make it right with Mason but it isn’t long before a message pings on my phone and I see Mason has beaten me to it.

Mason: Just want to check you’re okay. Know you had a bad day and I’m sorry if I made it worse. I’m here if you want to chat. If not, I’ll see you tomorrow, tiger.

I smile and feel the flutter in my stomach that has started to attach itself to thoughts of Mason. Fuck Evan! He’s not going to ruin this for me. I text Mason back, letting him know I’m sorry for flouncing off, and that it was just me letting some of the usual school crap get to me. It’s not long before Mason’s texts turn silly and flirty, and I love him for it – shit! Did I just think the word lo…?

 

***

 

It’s been a few weeks since I yelled at Evan, and for some reason, things have been eerily quiet. Well, other than this crazy friend-thing with Mason, and surprisingly, Scottie. We hung out in secret a few times in the library, but once it seemed like Tegan was bored with me, we dared to venture out of the shadows. Monica had her meeting with Mr. Hardman; I don’t know if that’s got anything to do with it, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. These last few weeks have been bliss. In the quiet times, I wonder if they’ve moved on to torturing someone else, and I feel a little guilty for being happy, until I realize I deserve this happy. I’ve gone way too long without it, and I don’t want to give it up any time soon. The hubbub about Mason seems to have died down, too; he’s just another guy at school, now – and not one more whisper of what Evan told me has passed me, so I guess I was right, he was just being an asshole. I mean, sure, Mason is friends with some of the guys on the team, but that doesn’t mean anything.

“Hey friend,” Scottie calls out as she leans against my locker. “We still on for tonight? Taco’s’ and studying – the perfect combination.”

“You bet! I’ve been looking forward to these Taco’s all week.”

“Dude, it’s only Tuesday,” she laughs

“Exactly! Too long without Taco’s!”

“Monica only made us them on Friday night – and oh, my, those ridiculous cupcakes. How you aren’t the size of a house, astounds me.” I shrug. I feel Mason come up behind me.

“I keep her fit,” he winks at her and she laughs.

“Don’t be a jackass,” I say, blushing and swatting his leather covered arm. He sniggers at me.

“Was that meant to hurt, tiger?” He murmurs.

“That’s it, Knight. Give it to her real good,” Tommy yells as he walks past. Mason sends him the finger. Evan’s voice niggles in my head but I quiet it. Mason’s not that guy. Is he?

 

***

 

The day passes in a daze and I can’t rid myself of Evan’s voice in my head, which keeps saying Evan wasn’t lying. I mean, he had no reason to, right? Did he? I push the palms of my hands against my eyes and try to push out the pain behind them. I should just ask Mason flat out. But what if he thinks I don’t trust him. Fuck me, I hate Evan. Why did he have to say that shit? And why did Tommy have to talk smack earlier and bring it all to the front of my mind again. High school might only be seven hundred days, but I’ll be damned if they’re not the seven hundred of the most ridiculous, unpredictable, turn your life upside down, days of your life.

I make my way to my locker and see Mason already there, waiting for me. I watch him, leaning against the locker stand with no care in the world. I mean, yes, he worries about his brother and his Grams, and he works to help them get by, but other than that, he’s just another kid.

I’m walking towards him when I literally bump into someone and fall flat on my ass.

“Sorry, Erin. I was trying to get your attention, but I guess you didn’t see me,” Evan says, holding out his hand to help me up. I scowl but accept the hand. I don’t want to be sat on the dirty floor any longer than needed.

“Speaking to me in public now, Evan? What would Tegan say?”

“She’d probably swear so much that Pastor Michaels would faint, but I needed to speak to you. Do you have a minute?” He asks sincerely. I look over his shoulder and see Mason looking over at us, a frown on his face.

“Fine, but just one minute.” I signal to Mason that I’m okay, and duck into the empty classroom with Evan. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to say, sorry. I know you still don’t believe me, and you’re obviously tight with Mason, so I get it. I was just trying to look out for you. We’ve been friends forever.”

"I wish everyone would stop 'looking out for me' and treating me like a goddamn child. And since when have we been friends, forever? I thought we were, but now I actually have friends, I realize you were a real shitty friend – if you were even my friend at all. I was blinded by some silly, little crush I had on you from like, six years old, and it was kind of pathetic.”

“Like I say, I’m sorry. I really do want to be your friend.”

“If you really want to be my friend, Evan, then show me proof. Don’t just tell me. That saying, ‘actions speak louder than words,’ it’s true.”

“I’ll do better, be better. I miss talking to you.”

I roll my eyes at him and look at the clock. We’ve been in here way longer than a minute. Mason and Scottie are at the door, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“Is that everything? I’ve got somewhere I need to be.”

“You’ve changed, Erin,” he says with a sad smile.

“No, not really. You just didn’t see me before.”

I walk away and leave him, joining my real friends; happy I’m finally able to be myself.

 

***

 

Friday rolls around, and I’ve not seen Mason since Tuesday night. He’s texted me a few times but apparently, he’s super sick, and crazy contagious, so I’ve been ordered to stay away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I roll my eyes so hard that I think they might stay that way.

The week has been quiet, even with Tegan and her hit-squad starting to taunt me and Scottie again. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I feel bad Scottie has been dragged into it again.

“Dude, you are not going to believe this!” She says as she rocks up beside me on the quad.

“What?”

“Apparently, you slept with Evan over summer break, and Tegan is out for blood.”

I feel the blood drain from my face. How?

“Oh my God; it’s true! Man, I’m sorry, I thought it was just another one of Queen bobble-head’s lies, and excuses to make your life hell.”

“It’s okay. It happened. I just can’t believe Evan told,” I say, the shock washing over me. “He swore he wouldn’t.”

“Erin!” I look up and see Evan running towards us.

“Oh hell, no!” Scottie stands up ready to take him on. She might be small, but she’s fierce as hell. If she wasn’t my friend, I think she’d terrify me. “Back the hell up, asshole.”

“Erin, come on. Let me explain.”

“Explain what?” I ask, my voice so quiet it’s a whisper. “Explain that you lied to me? That you betrayed me? You know how much Tegan likes to make my life hell, and you give her the exact ammunition she needs? No. Just no. So much for showing me you were my friend.”

“You don’t understand; I didn’t mean to. I was drunk.”

“It’s funny,” I laugh hollowly. “I bet that’s exactly what you said to her about sleeping with me.”

He winces and I know I’m right.

“Get the hell away from me, Evan. I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Erin, please.”

“She said, fuck off, Evan. I suggest you do before I make you,” Scottie tells him, face to face with him. I look up and realize yet again, I have an audience. Why can I never face my humiliation alone? Why must there always be a fucking audience. The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch. I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

“Let’s go, Scottie. He’s not worth it,” I say, loud enough he and everyone else around us can hear. I’m sick and tired of being the quiet little punching bag. I know I’m not alone in being bullied, but I’m done. I walk up to my locker, and that’s when I see WHORE painted in big bright letters across my locker. Tears sting my eyes but I blink them back.

“Motherfuckers!” Scottie swears under her breath. “I’m sorry, Erin. Do you want to go?” she asks as Tegan, Becca and Chrissy appear in the hall.

“What’s wrong, Erin? Cat got your tongue? Or is it too tired from sucking my boyfriend’s cock? Or maybe Mason’s? God knows who else, you fucking slut,” Tegan spits.

“What’s wrong Tegan, afraid I was better than you were? Is that what all this is about? Scared you don’t measure up to the poor little orphan.”

“I have nothing to worry about from you, other than maybe an STI. You enjoy spreading your legs for the school, Erin? Does it make you feel loved? Is it because your mommy and daddy didn’t love you? Is that it? You have to lay down for anyone and everyone, just to feel something.”

I feel the rage wash over me, and without a word I step forward and punch her square on the nose.

“Shut your dirty fucking mouth, you goddamn liar!” I scream. And for the first time ever, I cut and leave.

 

“Goddamn that was awesome!” Scottie woops as she catches up with me outside.

Fuck my hand hurts.

“Not really,” I say deadpan.

“Okay, no the bit where she was a raging bitch wasn’t, but you laid her out, dude! If she doesn’t have a broken nose, I’ll pay you fifty dollars!”

I grunt, non-committal, my focus just on getting home. My phone starts ringing, and I see Mason’s name on the caller ID. I put it back in my pocket and ignore it. I can’t speak to him right now. Being his friend might have given me the courage and space to be myself, but apparently being myself includes violence, and maybe I don’t like that about myself. Not that any of this is his fault, but if I think about Evan for more than a few seconds, I think I’ll explode. My phone chirps again, and I see Mason’s name on my screen again.

Mason: I’m off for a few days and you turn into Mike Tyson. You okay? I hear she deserved it.

I ignore the message and keep walking towards home.

“Scottie, I’m sorry, but I really just need to be on my own for a bit.”

“Sure thing, man; you know where I am if you need me!”

“Thank you. Talk later.” I wave her off and head into the house, straight up to my room. Maybe I should have just stayed in the shadows. Maybe I tried to reach too far. If I’d stayed quiet, everyone wouldn’t think I was a raging whore, with violent tendencies. God, Monica is going to kill me when she finds out. I sit in the dark and wallow. The whole thing playing out in my mind. I should have known better. I should have stayed alone. Alone is good. No-one else gets hurt when I’m alone.