“Please, Gwen.” My voice came out whinier than I intended. “I really need to get some warmer clothes. My Florida blood just ain’t cut out for this.”

“I know, but I really have a lot of homework. Bio is kicking my ass.” I heard loud music in the background and I wondered just how much studying she was actually getting accomplished at her house.

“Ok, how about this? I’ll come get you so you can study a little longer. You can even study in the car on the way to the mall. And,” I added in a sing song voice, “I’ll bring copious amounts of caffeine.”

“I don’t know.”

“Please, please, please, please, please,” I begged shamelessly.

I heard her resigned sigh on the other end of the line and knew I won. “Fine. Get me the biggest mocha money can buy and I’ll tag along. But seriously, I can’t stay out all day. I really do need to study.”

“Yay! I’ll be right there.”

I had woken up completely confused about how to process what happened the night before. I had walked to Julian’s house in the middle of the night in my pajamas. It had to have been in the 50s or 60s. Not to mention the fact I wasn’t even sure if it was Julian’s house anymore. What was I thinking?

When I had snuck around the back of the house and saw the trampoline, it had felt like going home. Even more so than living in my actual childhood home. I had made myself comfortable not thinking about any possible consequences, like Julian Alvarado walking up and catching me.

And then the way he had comforted me. I didn’t know what to think about that and I needed a second opinion like nobody’s business. I was glad Gwen made herself available. I knew she had a life outside of me. But being new here, and frankly not making much of an effort to get to know anyone else, I needed a person.

She was my person.

I booked it to her house as soon as we hung up. Twenty minutes later, Gwen and I were on our way to the mall in Boise, drinks in hand. The radio played some cheesy pop song and I was shocked to hear Gwen singing as loudly as she was. She sounded terrible and I looked over at her, my face crinkled in confusion. Did she know how out of tune she was?

“Yes, I am quite aware of my singing ability, or lack thereof,” she said seemingly reading my mind. “But I don’t care. This song is too stinking catchy and plus, singing is cathartic.”

“Cathartic? Okay, Miss SAT. You’ve graduated. No need to push the power words anymore.”

“Oh, whatever.” She leaned across the seat and pushed my arm. It caused me to veer slightly into the other lane. Thankfully, these desert roads were almost always empty. “There are just some things that make you feel better. Lots of ice cream, a good cry, and singing at the top of your lungs.” As if to punctuate her point, she started back into the song seamlessly, this time clutching her hands to her chest and closing her eyes like she was singing to a sold out arena.

I felt sorry for any crowd forced to listen to Gwen putting on a concert.

She was right though. There were some things that had the power to make you feel better no matter what. I knew that first hand after falling apart in Julian’s arms the night before. Maybe that was why I wasn’t feeling the jams this morning. I still couldn’t believe how safe I felt lying on the trampoline with him and ugly crying until I couldn’t cry anymore. It wasn’t until after I had completely exposed myself to him, that I realized just how weird it was.

I got the hell out of Dodge and didn’t look back. I did not want to bump into him again. Not at the diner. Not on our street. And definitely not in his back yard, wearing my pajamas.

I turned the music down in my dad’s Bronco. He’d been letting me drive it whenever I wanted. He claimed he was glad to see it getting some use. With him working from home every day, he barely drove it. I was glad I had a vehicle at my beck and call. Although, maybe it was time to get my own vehicle soon. I wasn’t lacking in funds. But back to the topic at hand.

“So, speaking of a good cry.” I started, unsure of how much detail I planned to go into. “I had one last night.”

“Oh, Katie, I’m so glad to hear it. Was it about your mom? Do you feel better?” She stopped for a split second before words spilled from her even faster. “Not that I’m glad you were crying or anything. Were you by yourself? Next time call me and I’ll bring the ice cream and we can–”

“Gwen,” I cut her off before she could go on. It was obvious she wanted to be a good friend, but also that she didn’t really have experience with consoling people over the loss of a loved one. What eighteen-year-old did? “I wasn’t by myself.”

I looked over to see confusion cloud her face. “Are you and your dad talking more then?”

“Um, that would be a no.”

“I’m confused.”

“It was Julian,” I blurted out quickly, grimacing at my words.

“Julian? Like, Julian, Julian? The cook at the diner, Julian? The guy you were just asking about, Julian?”

“Yes!” I snapped back. “Julian Alvarado, Julian.”

“Okay. So, um, how did that happen?” She sounded less incredulous than she had a second ago, and now she just sounded like she didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say.

“Well, I kinda snuck into his back yard and he found me outside?” It came out as a question, I couldn’t believe I was saying this and my faced burned from the embarrassment.

“You snuck into his backyard?” she asked slowly.

“Yeah, and well, I was in my pajamas and it was cold. So he brought out his blanket and it was so sweet and it felt like we hadn’t been apart all these years and I totally lost it and cried like an idiot.”

“What did he do?”

“He held me. And he let me cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. It was amazing, actually.”

“See?” She said in a triumphant tone. “I told you a good cry is good for the soul. But, more importantly, I told you Julian wasn’t the bad guy everyone, including him, would want you to believe he is.”

“I know. He’s not the same, Gwen, but it just made sense last night. But then I walked away without saying anything. And I don’t know how I’m going to look him in the face again. And,” I said in a way that made it clear we were changing the subject and I would not be saying any more. “that is the moment I realized it was time to prepare myself for the cooler weather, because I think I’m going to be staying here for a while.”

Several hours later and several hundred dollars poorer, I returned home from our shopping trip. The sun was beginning its descent and evening was on its way. I hadn’t meant to monopolize Gwen the way I did. But it had been so good to spend some time without any worries about what tomorrow would bring.

She had been a good sport through it all. I went from store to store trying to find boots, a jacket, a few sweaters and long johns. She teased me relentlessly about wanting to find long underwear to go under the many layers I was already buying, but I wasn’t taking any chances. It was late September, a time I would normally be sweating while wearing shorts and tees. Already, it was getting cooler here. I wanted to be prepared.

I bought her dinner at the food court as a thank you for all she had done for me. We talked the entire time, and I wondered how it was possible to go so long without a lull in our conversation. We had so much in common. Gwen had also, quite mercifully, avoided the subject of Julian for the rest of our time together. We talked about our favorite sci-fi shows again. It wasn’t often you met someone so geek obsessed and proud of it.

But we also talked about her classes at BSU. She wasn’t sure what she was going to school for, but was taking all the gen ed classes she could this year while living at home with her parents. We also talked about what people did for fun in River Valley when you weren’t a kid anymore. Mitch worked at the local gun club, whatever that was. And people still loved going down to the caves.

I remembered the caves from my childhood. It was a giant cavern underground in the middle of nowhere. I think they called it a lava tube? Whatever it was, I had fond memories of going there with my dad. We would load up with flashlights and walk deep into the cave before turning them off. It would be so dark, you couldn’t see your hands, even if you put them directly in front of your face.

I was never scared, though, because I knew my dad was right there and wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I trusted him so freely back then. What had happened? I hated that when my parents got divorced, our relationship had gone to crap.

Even after these past couple of months living under the same roof, I had no idea what was going on between us. He continued cooking meals, I continued to borrow his car. It was almost like we were roommates.

He was the roommate I’d prefer not to see, or talk to, or think about.

When I got home, I hoped I would get lucky and avoid him again. But it wasn’t happening. He was sitting at the dining room table, typing away on his laptop. From where he sat, he was afforded a perfect view of the front door. He looked up and smiled when he heard me walk in.

“Looks like you had a successful trip, Katie-bug.” He said, nodding his head toward my bags and still using that awful nickname from my childhood.

“Dad,” I said with the exasperation that only came from explaining the same thing to him over and over again. “I really hate that name. I’m not ten anymore. I’m turning nineteen in a few months. I own a house, for crying out loud!”

“I know you do, Katie,” he said, emphasizing my name and standing up from his place at the table. “You haven’t let me forget that for a moment. I’m trying my best here. I want to get to know you.” His shoulders drooped and he held his arms outstretched on either side of him with his palms face out. “Sometimes I forget you’re not my bug anymore.”

“How could you forget? It’s been what, five years since you’ve seen me? Five years since we’ve talked? It’s not like that name has been flying from your lips like its second nature. You abandoned me. When I moved away, you let me go without so much as an afterthought. So you’ll excuse me if I would rather put red-hot pokers in my ears than sit and listen to you say Katie-bug one more time!” My voice had progressively gotten louder with every word of my rant until I was yelling at him.

I could feel the familiar burn behind my eyes, knowing I would start crying any second. My pride had me wanting to run to my room before he got to see that vulnerable part of me. I was still the broken little girl who still so badly wanted her dad’s approval. But there was another part of me that wanted him to suffer. To see what he’d done to his precious Katie-bug by ignoring her all these years.

“Katie.” His voice was low and he pressed his lips tightly together while taking a long breath through his nose. “I made a mistake. I want a chance to make it better.”

“Make it better?” I barely recognized the shrill sound of my voice as my own. “Make it better? You can’t make it better. My mom is dead! The one parent who gave a damn about me all these years is gone. She is never coming back. And now I’m out in the middle of nowhere living with a stranger. Or maybe you’re worse than a stranger. I’m starting to wonder if it was a mistake to even come out here in the first place.”

“Katie.” He repeated. The man standing across from me looked completely dejected. Good. Let him feel a hint of what I had been feeling all these years.

“No, you know what? I gotta get out of here. Please, don’t wait up for me. And first thing tomorrow, I think I’m going to go get a car so I won’t have to be dependent on your generosity anymore.”

I left my bags on the floor of the entryway and stormed out knowing exactly where I was going and hating myself a little for it.