My world was flooded in darkness almost immediately after the words left my lips.

Julian turned his flashlight off before quickly grabbing mine and hitting the button on it as well. This was not the type of darkness your eyes eventually adjusted to. No, it was the kind that made you hope and pray those flashlights would turn back on when it was time to go.

While I wouldn’t consider myself especially scared of the dark or confined spaces, the combination of the two mixed with the uncertainly of what was going on made me panic.

My breaths came faster, they were shallower. My hand was still holding Julian’s, an anchor in the darkness and vastness of the space. But that didn’t stop my skin from feeling clammy against his. He gave my hand a light squeeze and took a deep breath. I swore it shook a little in the silence of the cave.

“I have a hard time opening up, Katie. Every time I do, I’m betrayed by the people I care about. The same ones I thought cared about me.”

What an awful feeling. I had no words, so I waited for him to continue.

“I’m not ready for this thing between us to be over. Whether we end up being together, or realize we’re better off friends. I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You say that now.”

“I mean it, Julian.”

He let out a sad laugh that was little more than a forceful breath leaving his lips. “My life is pretty messed up. I don’t know if it’s fair to drag you into it. But I’m so damn selfish.”

“It can’t be that bad,” I argued.

He kept speaking, ignoring my words. “I used to be a big deal, you know. The wrestling star, big man on campus. Whatever you want to call it.”

Big man on campus? What was this, the eighties? But, more importantly, it seemed like I kept attaching myself to people who used to be popular and were now living life after their fall from grace. First Gwen, and now Julian. Maybe they found comfort in knowing they each knew, to a degree, what the other person was going through. Like calls to like and all that.

“What happened?” I asked.

“My dad. My brother. They both disappeared. Now I’m left trying to take care of my mom.”

“Okay. But this doesn’t explain why people seem to hate you.”

Another sad laugh. “Not going to sugarcoat it, are you?”

“Sorry.”

“You’re right. People do hate me,” he said before telling me all about his dad leaving, his brother doing drugs and constantly seeking him out just to push him around. My heart broke as he told me about Michelle spreading rumors and Tyler abandoning him when he opened up to him.

No wonder he was hesitant to tell me anything.

“I’m so sorry,” I said again, when Julian had finished telling me. I wasn’t surprised to feel tears sliding down my cheeks.

It was overwhelming. To think Julian had given up his dreams to take care of his mom. The love he felt for her, to put her first in the face of the trials he’d been experienced these months.

“Are you ready to run, yet?”

“I’m still not going anywhere,” I said. I reached out to grab his other hand. We stood there holding both of our hands in each other’s, facing one another, even though we still couldn’t see.

I had a sudden sense of clarity as we stood there together. The same way I couldn’t stand to see pity in other people’s eyes when they heard about my mom’s death, I didn’t think Julian wanted to see pity in my eyes. He’d given up so much, but he wanted to hold on to the pride that remained.

I didn’t want to be responsible for taking that away. I wanted to comfort, I wanted to soothe. I needed to choose my next step carefully.

In this dark space, we were safe from judging looks, pitying looks. We were just two people baring our souls to one another. So instead of feeling sorry for Julian, I shared a secret with him.

“I’ve been so afraid I won’t get back to normal. When I’m with you, I get these glimpses of it. I worry that if I didn’t have you, I’d be stuck in a downward spiral.”

“Really?”

“That’s crazy, right?”

“Probably. But I’m glad you feel this connection too.”

We went back and forth sharing secrets in the dark. Sharing fears, our hopes before things got in the way, embarrassing moments from high school. It broke down any remaining walls between us. We skipped the months of slowly getting to know each other and went straight to the deep parts of us that made us tick.

The mask of darkness chased away any reservations I had.

Who knows how long we stayed down there whispering to one another. Hands still joined, but nothing more. We didn’t even attempt to move closer to one another. It didn’t matter that we stood apart. It was more intimate than any other moment I’d had with a boy.

Laughter and squeals of delight burst forth from the other end of the cave. The noise put a stop to our secret promises. With a final squeeze of my hands, Julian let go and I heard him shuffling though his bag to find the flashlights. When he turned the first one on, I was blinded by the brightness coming from that single beam of light.

I blinked my eyes quickly, trying to force my eyes to adjust.

When Julian turned on the second flashlight, he handed it to me before grabbing my free hand in his own.

“Our time is up.”

“It seems like it,” I said, looking over to him. His eyes were focused on my face. “Thank you, Julian, for all of this. For sharing your secrets, for listening to mine. For knowing it’s not always easy to open up.”

“Thank you for staying. For trusting me,” he said, before he looked away leading us toward the entrance of the cave.

The voices of the other people down here got louder, and I saw it was a family. It was like looking into a memory. The family consisted of a mom, dad and a boy no older than ten. The dad kept saying things that made his son laugh. There was obviously a great deal of love between them.

After opening up to Julian, and so much of that pertaining to the loss of my mom and the strained relationship with my father, this scene affected me more than I wanted it to. I saw myself as the trusting boy. I saw my dad as the doting father. I couldn’t bear to make a connection with the mother of this idyllic family.

Seeing them was enough to make me realize that I missed that bond, the special one between a father and daughter. It was time to address my relationship with my dad.