I float around these days like I’m floating on air. My relationship with Zander has grown to be something that I have only ever dreamed of. It still scares me, but I am slowly learning to go with it. I have no choice; my heart won’t allow me to close it anymore. I have never been happier in my life, even Kyle says that I don’t sound the same when I talk to him over the phone. He can’t wait for the babies to be born, he says he’s going to come down for a visit as soon as he can. I miss him so much and as the weeks have passed my hormones have turned me into a sappy woman. Zander claims that if Kyle doesn’t come soon then he’s going to New Jersey to get him personally. Which makes me love him even more. He knows how important Kyle is to me and has never shown that there should be a reason he would not want us to remain close.

Everything is perfect, except for the man after me and our family. I haven’t been completely honest with Zander. About 11 weeks ago, I started getting a long stem rose every week. I’d show up for work, walk into my office and find one long stem red rose lying on my desk. It’s almost like he wants to let me know that he can get to me anytime he wants.

I haven’t told Zander even though I know I should. Because I know it will drive him crazy. He has been going nuts over not being able to find this guy. He feels he’s letting all of us down. The way I understand, Zander has never not found the man he is looking for, but yet months have gone by without any more progress. He works late nights and sends his crew out of state at times trailing clues that never pan out.

Then there is the fact of him driving me crazy with always wanting to be up my ass. It kills him when he can’t be with me. But I remind him that Bobby is here and he knows Bobby is one of his best guys so he calms down for a little while. If I told him about the roses he would be pissed and then I would never be allowed to leave the house.

I truly don’t know how this guy is getting in here to bring the roses. I mean, I have so much security around me that it seems impossible, but every week they lay here on top of my desk. I hide them as soon as I find them, so no one will know.

If someone saw them and told Zander, that would be it. I would be stuck at home, permanently. I am getting bigger by the week and I know soon enough I will not be allowed to work, but until then I don’t want anything or anyone getting in my way of doing what I enjoy.

Catherine and I have made a lot of progress too. She is here a couple of times a week to see how the casino and the renovations are going. We are even making progress in our relationship. She seems to be happy with my work, she even seems somewhat happy to have me in the family or maybe that's my interpretation because at least she isn’t threatening me anymore. But I am still very cautious of her. I know what lies behind that beautiful face of hers. She’s as venomous as they come and I for one want to stay off her hit list. Some days I want to confide in her and then other days I want to strangle her. Today, in fact, she will be here any minute ready for a tour and lunch.

Catherine arrives right on time. She walks into my office with precision in every step she makes. I have heard stories from the girls about Catherine. Stories about how they met her and stories they told me about her life as they understand it. They say she is a hard woman, but once you get past that hard exterior of hers, she’s wonderful. I obviously have not been privy to that side of her yet. But I do see what they’re talking about when I see her with Fallon’s son, Gavin. You can tell with every ounce of her being that she loves that baby. It makes me wonder if she will be like that with my children or if she will harbor ill feelings toward them because of our connection. To say it hasn’t been easy for her and me to make a strong connection would be putting it mildly. We are two very hard-headed women.

However, it is better than it was in the beginning. I feel a mutual respect from the both of us when it comes to business. But nothing more. Well, showtime!

“Hello, Catherine, right on time as usual.”

“You should already know that about me, Murphy. I am never late for anything. Where would you like to start today?”

I turn in my chair so I can roll my eyes at her while standing. “Let’s start in the lounge. The construction team has only one more day left. We should make sure the work is up to par.”

She nods in agreement. About three hours later we find ourselves moving throughout the casino fairly quick. Everything so far has been to our satisfaction. Our last stop is in the restaurant that we are opening for fine dining. The chef has prepared us some tasting plates for some ideas of what will be served.

We sit and once the chef has gone over today’s menu with us, things between us become awkward. I find myself fidgeting in my chair not knowing what to say. I can tell Catherine feels the same way.

Finally, I ask to end the awkwardness, “So, are you truly satisfied with all the progress?”

She studies me for a minute and then says, “Is this the way you want our relationship to continue? Business and nothing more?”

She surprises me with her questions. “I didn’t think we’d have anything else to discuss.”

She lets out a small calculated laugh and says, “We have many things we can discuss, but if you’re happy with this arrangement between us, then fine, I’ll play along.”

What the hell do I say to that? “I guess we can try to have a conversation where you’re not threatening me if you’d like.”

Now she laughs out loud. “Let’s hope those days are behind us.”

I glance up at her and say, “Let’s!”

She starts tapping her fingernails on the table as she stares at me. “You know that was just business.”

“Was it all business? What about Zander, is he business?”

She thinks about it for a second then she says, “Yes, he is. He and his brothers are my legacy. They are the ones who will take over everything I’ve created. I did things in my life that are unforgivable so that my sons would not have to ever struggle. I’m not sorry for doing them either. I would do it all over again. Soon, you will understand that. Once those babies are born your life changes. Your life is not yours anymore and all you will ever want from the day they are born until the day you die is for them to have a better life than you had.”

She straightens in her chair holding herself with a stoic position like I have now put her on guard. “I have always done what I had to do for my sons, Murphy.” She waves her hands in the air. “Wanting this casino was business. Meeting you and knowing how much my son wanted you was also business.”

She aggressively jabs her finger on top the table. “Do you think I would allow just any woman to come into my family? It’s all business. I’m aware that you know I hand selected Fallon for Gabriel. And Avery was always meant for Liam. Both of them have something that makes them special. They know how to persevere. They can control different aspects of this family even if I were not here.”

I take a sip of my drink. “Then what about me? Why me?”

Catherine tilts her head and begins to smile. “Tell me, Murphy, are you scared of me?”

I stare at her, trying to decipher what answer she’s looking for. Does she want me to tell her no? Does she want my honesty? And then what will she do with my answer? I decide to go with the truth, mom always said the truth will never betray you.

“Yes, you scare me.”

“Good, you’re smart enough to be scared. But you’re smart enough to not let it weaken you. That’s a hard thing to do. Even though you fear me you never allowed it to stop you from your goals. You never allowed that fear to get in the way of what you wanted or deserved. That is why you.”

After a brief pause, she begins again. “To be scared and still have the courage to go against me is something that I never come across. Except for me, that is. I have been scared of many things and of many people. But I pushed through and pushed my way to the top so I would become the one feared.”

“So, you’re comparing me to you?”

“I guess I am. We are both very good at hiding our fear and our feelings. I need you in this family. It’s hard for me to admit, but I’ll share that with you. Both Fallon and Avery have their own strengths. And you have yours, it fits into what is needed to keep this family on top.”

We both look up as the waiter comes to serve our first tasting plate. Catherine thanks him, then quickly excuses him.

She then looks back to me and continues. “The only thing that worries me is that you have not suffered.”

“Suffered?” I laugh. “You would prefer for me to have suffered?”

“No, I would never wish that on anyone. But suffering toughens you in a way that you aren’t.”

“So, now I’m not tough?”

“You’re tough, but not in the way that I am or the girls are. We understand the things that must be done. You don’t, you’re still too optimistic about things. Violence still makes you ill. Violence is necessary for what we do. Violence is necessary for what Zander does.”

She gets quiet and says, “I was told when Zander beat that man to death you flinched, you would not help my son. Fallon had to help him down. That cannot happen again. You are the one that has to be there for him. Can you accept that, and do it? If Zander, your children or this family were in danger would you turn to violence to help us?”

“I have been around people like you, Catherine.”

“Yes, I know you have, but you have never been involved or seen the ugly side of our business before you met us. You saw the men in their suits, their flashy cars and expensive women on their laps. You never witnessed what it took to get those things. Now you have. Can you accept it and understand when or why it is needed?”

I don’t have an answer for her, I have no idea what I would do in the position of having to decide. I watch as she starts to eat. I’ve never met anyone like her before. On the outside, you see a beautiful, classy woman. But then when you look into her eyes you see the calculated, devious woman underneath. I shake my thoughts of her and think of Zander. I know what he does, hell I have seen him in action. I’m not one that will walk away from a fight, but what Zander and the rest of them do is something I never thought about before. Then I find myself snickering, she’s also right, I have been around people like her and this family my whole life. But I have never witnessed any wrongdoing. Knowing and seeing are two different things. Will I ever understand it? I decide to do what I do best. I turn it around on her.

“Are you scared of me?”

She puts her fork down and wipes the corner of her mouth with a napkin. She then looks at me and answers, “Yes. I haven’t had to fear anyone in a long time, but I have and do fear you.”

“Why?”

She raises her voice while looking me dead on in my eyes. “You know why! Don’t play coy with me now. You want us to get past everything so we can have a relationship. I’m willing, but do not play dumb with me. Zander, I only fear you because of Zander.”

She throws her napkin down on the table. Our server comes back with our next plate, but Catherine puts her hand up to let him know not to come any closer.

“Listen to me well, Murphy. I am not going to worry about you for the rest of my life. We either come to an understanding or I will find a way to get rid of you.” She then leans back in her chair. “You do know how to try my patience. I’ll give you that.” She starts laughing, at what I’m not sure. “I’ve heard the stories of the boys teasing Zander, they say you are just like me. That he fell in love with a woman like his mother. I guess in many ways we are alike. You’re clever and strong. You sure are hard headed.”

She sits back up in her chair. “I’m trying here, Murphy. You want me to lay it all out for you I will if that’s what it takes, but only for my son. Zander loves you, that I am sure of. He loves you so much that he was willing to go to war against me for you and yes that scared the shit out of me. Not because I was worried he would hurt me and not because I was worried about hurting him. Because I wouldn’t, I could never hurt my children. I was scared because I didn’t want to lose him. Zander is special to me; all my sons are, but Zander has the biggest heart. It’s as big as he is. That alone makes him one of the most powerful men I know. He will go to any lengths to protect what he loves. I felt a pull and still do because of you. I am not willing to lose my son over my fear. You control a part of him that I used to control. You hold that power now. I need for us to develop a relationship because it’s important to him.”

She leans in closer, lowering her voice. “But if you ever hurt my son, come hell or high water I will destroy you. I will take my grandchildren and turn them against you. I won’t kill you, I will let you suffer for the rest of your life knowing I did that to you.”

I clear my throat. “So, we’re going back to you threatening me?”

“I swear, Murphy Stern, you are the most frustrating woman I think I have ever met. I’m simply warning you. No threats here. I wanted to lay everything out on the table so we can begin to form a bond.”

I laugh. “A bond, what kind of bond do you think we can have? I think we have gone beyond the point of us having a true bond, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t. Let me teach you.”

“Teach me to what, to be your lap dog? To make sure I behave or that I can make sure that Zander behaves the way you want? What do you want to start with, Catherine, my wardrobe, my style? Like you did with Fallon or Avery?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “No, I actually like your style. I think it suits you. And no, I do not want to make you my lap dog. I want to make you top dog. Ask Fallon or Avery if they feel like my lap dogs. I dare you. Sweet Avery will turn on you so quick if you suggest that. She is no dog for anyone, not ever again. That girl is stronger than you think and can handle way more than you will ever comprehend. And Fallon has a power that you will never understand. I trained her and she uses those teachings and owns her life. She can and will make anyone do what she wants them to do without breaking a nail. Together they are unstoppable. You, just need some training to make you the boss you want to be and the boss I need you to be.”

“What do you mean the boss?”

“Your mother did well by you, Murphy, she gave you the importance of hard work. She taught you independence and she taught you how to be in charge. But she shielded you way too much. What I mean is, I will train you to be like me. To be a leader like I taught my sons. I will teach you everything I know. My sons will always control the business but there are so many sectors of what we do that not even Gabriel can do it by himself. The bigger we grow, the more he will need help. Everyone plays their part in this family, they are all leaders in their fields. But Gabriel will need help in overseeing everything. I don’t want to put that all on him. You will be powerful beyond your dreams. You will learn to control that temper of yours and then you will control it all. But don’t cross me, because I will put you in the ground.”

“Catherine, what you’re asking for is something I don’t think I’m ready for. I never wanted any of this.”

Catherine stands abruptly. “You might not have wanted this, but you have it.” She then lays her hand on my shoulder. “You’ll be ready, I promise when those babies are born you will be ready for anything.”

She walks away, leaving me by myself to think of all she said. I don’t know if my love for Zander can ever make me decide to be like her.