The next morning, I wake up to Mark calling. He tells me that I will be able to see my father at 2 o’clock this afternoon. He also says he’ll have a driver pick me up at the hotel around 1:30. With nothing left to discuss, we hang up. My nerves start getting bad, I’m so close to a panic attack. Kyle, who I didn’t even know was there, sees me starting to panic and runs to me.

“Murph, breathe.”

I know how to breathe, but it feels like I can’t catch my breath.

“Murph, honey, you need to calm down. It’s all going to be okay, just breathe.”

“I can’t! I can’t!”

Next thing I know, Kyle slaps me across my face; well, that must have worked because I slap him back hard and start breathing.

Rubbing the side of his face, he says, “Jesus, girl, I didn’t hit you that hard.”

I still can’t talk, so Kyle grabs my shoulders and steers me toward the couch.

“Sit, Murph.”

I do and slowly start to relax. I look over to Kyle, who’s rubbing his face.

“I’m sorry, Kyle, it was just a knee-jerk reaction.”

“It’s all right, I shouldn’t have slapped you first. Damn, girl, I forgot how hard you hit back.”

I whisper, “Thank you.”

“Oh honey, come on, it’s okay. I have you. If you need to slap me again, you just go right ahead. I won’t hold it against you.”

I start to laugh a little and then hug him as he rocks me back and forth.

“Listen, Murph, I know you need to do this, but you can’t panic again, it’s not worth it. Plus, I know you; you won’t forgive yourself if you show any kind of weakness to those people. So, tell me, are you going to be okay?”

He’s right, I can’t panic like this in front of them. I don’t show many people my emotions. I’ve only ever allowed my mom and Kyle to see me this way. That’s why most people think I’m a bitch, but I do it because I need to come off strong, not give anyone any signs of weakness.

After a few minutes of Kyle holding me, I regain my composure and tell him, “I can do it, don’t worry. I think it helped that I broke down now instead of later. I just need to finish pulling myself together.”

“If you’re sure, honey. Look, I’m going to go with you. I’m not going in his room but I’ll be there if you need anything, just yell for me.”

I smile up at him, thanking God I have him with me. Just knowing he’s there will help me hold it together.

I stand up. “So are you going to help me look beautiful today or what?”

“That’s easy, let’s go.”

I dress in a royal blue silk dress that looks like something straight out of the sixties. Very elegant with a straight across neckline and a tight-fitting pencil skirt. It beautifully shows all my curves but looks very classy. Kyle puts my hair in an updo. Needing a finishing touch, I reach for my jewelry bag and pull out my grandmother’s long pearls. Wrapping it twice around my neck, it still hangs low enough that the diamond and silver broach lays right over my bust line. I pair it with pearl earrings my father gave me a year later after the necklace. He claimed my grandmother was known for her pearls and I would be too.

“Beautiful.”

I smile up at Kyle staring at me in the mirror.

“You look beautiful, Murph. Whatever goes on in that room, you walk in and out with your head held high, you hear me?”

“Yeah, I hear you. Let’s go. I can’t think about it anymore. I just want to get it over with.”

“Okay, hon, let’s go. Grab the red heels; you need a little flare.”

Laughing, I grab my red heels and we walk out of the hotel room to go down to wait for the driver Mark ordered. Once in the lobby, I stumble on something my heel hit, and suddenly my arm is grabbed as I try to regain my balance. I look up, thinking it’s Kyle, who caught me before I made an ass out of myself by falling. But instead, my breath is once again halted by an extremely large man in a suit. He is probably the sexiest and most handsome man I’ve ever seen. He has the bluest eyes with strong features. His hair is dark, and he has a full-grown beard. He might be in a suit, but he looks rugged, like a real man should.

He smiles deviously with his hand still on my arm and says, “Hello, Red.”

“Huh?”

I’m so scatterbrained that it takes me a second to realize he’s talking about my hair.

I point. “My hair. Nice one. Thank you for catching me.”

Blatantly ignoring Kyle on the side of me, he shrugs. “I’m thinking maybe I should follow you.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know, in case you need me to catch you again. I’d be willing to help you out any time.”

“Wow, you are a charmer.” I look down at my searing hot arm and tell him, “You can release me now. I think I have it from here, thanks.”

He slowly removes his hand while he looks me straight in my eyes and says, “Any time, Red, any time.”

I once again regain my posture and start to walk away from my gorgeous savior.

Kyle follows, saying, “He’s still watching you.”

“He’s not watching me, he’s watching my ass. There is a difference, you know.”

“Whatever, he won’t stop looking. I think you should go back, that man is gorgeous. They don’t breed them like that in New Jersey.”

“Maybe not, but I bet you his mentality is exactly the same. He’s a man.”

“Hey, I take offense. I’m a man, too.”

“Really, Kylie?”

“Okay, fine, you made your point.”

Once out the door of the lobby, we see the driver Mark said would be waiting. He opens the door for us after we make introductions.

Sitting back in the car, the driver takes off, and now my mind keeps drifting to the handsome stranger.

“I think he was rude.”

Kyle, looking confused, says, “What?”

“The guy. I think he was rude; he ignored you. He didn’t even seem to care if we were together.”

Kyle laughs and says, “There was no reason for that hunk of a man to be worried about me.”

“Why? He didn’t know that. You could have been my husband, and he was openly flirting with me in front of you.”

“You just called me Kylie. I think he knew I wasn’t your husband.”

“Maybe so, but he was still rude.”

“I get it now. You’re trying to find something wrong with him.”

“You’re crazy. Why would I do that?”

“Because, Murph, it’s your M.O. You always do this when you find someone attractive. You look for any reason to disengage yourself from them.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, honey, you do. Every time you’re interested, you look for a way out. You must have really liked this guy.”

“I don’t even know him.”

“I know, but something was sparked because if not, you wouldn’t be already looking for something not to like.”

“I’ll probably never see him again.”

“You’re right, yet you can’t get him out of your head. Can you? I suggest that if you ever do see him again, you get him to knock them cobwebs away. They’re starting to affect your personality.”

“Thanks, Kyle. I thought you were my friend.”

“I am your friend, but honey, you need to get laid. Especially with everything going on with your father. You need someone to help release some of that tension for you. And I am your friend, but I’m not that kind of friend. I know I’m fine, but look elsewhere because your curves do nothing for me.”

I crack up, laughing out loud. “If only you were. I would rock your world.”

Kyle gives me a disgusted look, and I laugh harder.  A few minutes later, I’m looking out the window and silence has fallen upon us, I’m dreading this day. Knowing I need the support, he grabs my hand, holding it until we arrive at my father’s.

Do I look for a way out of relationships, like Kyle says I do? Maybe, but if I do, it’s only to protect myself. And besides, I always find something wrong. If they were the one I was meant to be with, then I wouldn’t find anything, right?

Before I can give it any more consideration, we slowly pull into my father’s estate. It’s large and grand, just like I knew it would be. My father always wore his wealth like an armor, so this mansion is no surprise.

My door opens, and it’s Mark. He helps me out of the car, greeting us. He says the nursing staff is expecting my visit and my father’s wife has left the estate. Mark claims she wouldn’t be so welcoming to me. So, I have a small window while she is at her country club to visit my father. Judith Larussa totally slipped my mind. I forgot that she might have been here. So, I agree because I don’t look forward to ever meeting her.

Stepping into my father’s home is scary. It’s all so proper and dark. My nervousness returns full force, and Kyle notices; he grabs my hand again and squeezes. I smile up at him and slowly begin following Mark through the house. In the hall, Mark stops and tells me that this is his room. They knew Kyle would be with me, so my father’s staff set up a chair and refreshments for him in the hall.

I turn to Kyle, who hugs me and whispers, “Be strong, Murph, you can do this. Say what feels natural, don’t hold anything back, no matter what it is.”

I whisper back in his ear something I have never said out loud to anyone, “I’m scared.”

Kyle pushes me away and looks deep into my eyes, knowing that saying something like that took a lot of courage and trust for me.  

He bends down, whispering again in my ear, “Not my Murph. She’s a lioness; show that man what he missed out on.”

He kisses my cheek, grabs my shoulders and turns me around, swatting my ass to move. Here goes nothing.

I walk into my father’s room and instantly smell death. It’s everywhere in the room. My father is lying in a hospital bed, attached to all kinds of medical equipment, and there is a nurse stationed on his side.

The nurse takes notice of my arrival. She walks straight to me, saying, “I’m sorry, Ms. Larussa, we are trying to keep him as comfortable as we can in these last days. Your father might be in and out of consciousness because of the morphine drip. The cancer has spread rapidly. His breathing will be labored, so bear with him. He will remove his oxygen mask to speak to you, but if it gets too hard for him, please help him to put it back on. Are there any questions you would like to ask?”

“No, thank you.”

“I can tell you, ma’am, that when your father found out you were coming, he has been so excited. It’s almost like he had a reason to keep living.”

I know my face tells it all. I’m so confused about why she would think that. I have never been his reason for anything. I want to scream at her and tell her no, but I remember my manners and say, “Thank you.”

She leaves the room with a smile on her face, and I stand there, scared to move. He seems to be sleeping. I stare from a distance at the man I haven’t seen in years. He looks so frail, nothing like how I remember him. When I was younger, he was larger than life and walked around with confidence. This version of my father is unrecognizable. His hair is barely there, his skin is so wrinkled and thin. Dark bruises lead up both his visible arms. For a few minutes, I stand there frozen until his eyes open and he turns his head to look at me. He removes his mask and says in a low, breathy voice, “Cherry.”

I’m so stunned that he calls out my mother’s name. Does he not realize that I’m not her? The nurse did say he’s on morphine, so maybe he’s out of it and confused. I take a few steps closer to him, and he smiles at me and his eyes beam.

“No, you’re not Cherry. You’re my baby girl.”

It takes everything in me not to start crying. I haven’t heard that nickname in years, and it brings back a wave of emotions I wasn’t prepared to feel. I am his baby girl, and God help me, I still want to be. It’s like all the shit I wanted to spew at him has vanished from my head and heart.

“Daddy!”

He extends his arm towards me to come and grab it. And I do. I walk slowly to him, grabbing ahold of his hand.

“You’re so beautiful, baby. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”

He starts to cough, so I replace the mask back over his mouth and nose and tell him not to speak. His eyes stay on me but slowly close. He falls back to sleep, and with his hand in mine, I sit in the chair on the side of his bed.

Looking down at his hand that I’m holding, I think back to when he always held my hand. Every time I saw him, it was his thing; he always, no matter where we were, held my small hand in his big one. Even if it was to watch cartoons on the sofa or walk me to the kitchen for a snack, and especially in public he always held my hand. Even if I didn’t want him to, he would grab it and never let go. It was one of my favorite things about him. When he was around, I felt safe and secure in that I was his and he would always protect me. But then he did let go, and he never came back. I never felt that safety and security again. I start to slowly rub his hand in mine, feeling his thin skin, wondering why so much time went by.

I start to hear rumbling, and I look up to see him watching me. He removes his mask and starts to say, “You wore my mother’s pearls.”

I nod to him.

“She would have loved to see them on you. She would have been so proud of you, just like I am.”

Proud? I wonder what he has to be proud about. He doesn’t know anything about me, but I don’t have the heart to tell him that.

“Murphy I’m so sorry for all the time we lost. Believe me when I say, I didn’t want to be away from you.”

He starts coughing badly this time. I jump up and hurry to put his mask back on, but he grabs my wrist, shaking his head.

“Listen to me. I have so much to say. I love you. I did everything for you that I could. I know I did wrong, but I will fix it.” The coughing gets worse.

“Please, let me put the mask back on. We have time, just rest for a minute.”

I put the mask back on, and his coughing lessens. With his eyes still on me, he reaches out for something, but then I realize he wants me to get something. He points, and I see his nightstand.

“Do you want something on here?”

He shakes his head no but still points. “Is it something inside the drawer?”

He nods his head. I open the drawer and see a single key. It’s a key to maybe a lockbox or locker. Holding it up, I ask, “Is this what you wanted?”

He nods and points to me. “It’s for me?”

He nods again and takes his mask off. “It’s to a box in my office in the casino. It’s yours. No one knows it’s there. Take it with you.”

“For me?”

He nods again, so I ask, “What is it? What’s inside the box?”

He lifts his mask and says, “My love.” His hand slips away from his mask as he falls asleep again. I straighten out the mask and sit back down, staring at the key. His love? What does that mean?

I’ve been sitting here for about twenty minutes, thinking more about my childhood. How I wished he was there and never was. How I hoped he would love me enough to stay but never did. How he replaced his love through extravagant gifts and money.

There was, however, a time when he stayed.  

I look up to see him staring at me again. He removes his mask. “What were you thinking of?”

I honestly answer, “All the times you left me. I even remember the day you left and never came back.”

I see a tear roll down his face. “I need you to forgive me. I need to make it right.”

“It’s too late, Dad. I’m not going to lie to you, it hurts to know that you couldn’t love me enough to stay with me and Mom. I know I’m going to be ashamed of myself for telling you all this, but I need to. You were never there, and that’s the truth. I just wanted you, not your gifts. I’ve hated you for so long now that I don’t know how to feel. The little girl in me still loves you very much, but the woman is having a hard time being here.”

“I know, baby girl. I’m trying to make it right, you’ll see I did it all for you.”

“For me? You left me and never came back. How is that for me? Did anyone even know I existed?”

“Yes, that’s why I left. I needed to provide for you.”

How dare he? “I needed a father, not just a provider!”

Oh my God, I need to get ahold of myself; my anger is taking over, and no matter my feelings, I don’t want to yell at him.

“Listen to me, Murphy. I left you the casino. It’s yours, but it’s not in a good place financially, but it’s all I have to give you. You need to make arrangements with the Sterns, Catherine. She will get you out of it.”

“I don’t want anything from you.”

“It’s yours. You need to move quick, Judith will not allow you to have it. She will come after you. Please deal with your mom and Catherine.”

“She can have it.”

“I worked my whole life to give you what you needed, and I will never forgive myself for not giving you what we both wanted.”

What we both wanted? What did I get? “You got what you wanted, the money, the wife, the mistress, and the bastard child!”

He starts coughing again, but I notice he’s crying. I go to cover his face with the mask, and he stops me.

“I gave you my name, and I protected you because of it, the best way I could. You are not a bastard.”

His breathing becomes shallower, and it becomes harder for him to speak.

I tell him, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that.”

He shakes his head and tries to talk again.

“I need you to know I love you more than anything. You are my baby girl. I did it all for you. I loved your mother so much for giving you to me. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He quickly falls asleep again.

Emotions are taking over. I can’t fight them anymore. I lay my head down on his chest and cry out, “I love you, Daddy, I love you, please know I love you. Don’t leave me again, please.” My crying gets harder, and I start to feel my dad’s hand on my head. I look up at him and say, “I need more time.”

“I wish I could give it to you. I needed to see you one more time before I left for good.”

I lift my head and kiss his cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”

His hand slips away, and he falls back under. The nurse clears her throat, letting me know she’s in the room. I turn to look at her.

“Ma’am, your father needs rest now. Maybe you could visit him again at another time.”

I look back down at my father one more time and kiss his cheek again, knowing this is probably for the last time. “Bye, Daddy.”

I turn and walk out of the room. As soon as I’m at the door, I see an older woman talking abrasively to Kyle. She’s dressed to the nines. I quickly realize that she must be Judith. Mark quickly comes to my side.

“Murphy, we should get you and your friend out of here. She wasn’t supposed to be back yet.”

I nod my head and wipe my tears away. I stand tall and start walking to Judith and Kyle. She turns, looking at me with venom in her eyes.

“You? What the hell are you doing in my house?”

Mark interrupts before I can tell this bitch off.

“Judith, you knew she was coming.”

“Well, I didn’t think she would have the gall to carry her bastard ass in my house.”

She turns to look back at me, looking me up and down. Then before I know what’s happening, she grabs my pearl necklace in her hand. I respond by wrapping my hand around her wrist tightly. Knowing that she wants to rip them off me, I say with all my anger, “Don’t you dare!”

“Where did you get these pearls?”

“My father! Now let them go!”

She debates for a second and then releases them by opening her hand. I, in return, slowly remove my hand from her wrist.

“You are just like your whore mother.”

Right there and then, I knew I was taking all my father planned on giving me, and I wasn’t leaving till I had this bitch pissed off.

“No, that’s where you’re wrong. My mother left, I’m staying, so get used to it!”

I start walking away from her and see an open-mouthed Kyle. Without stopping, I find my way out of the house and to the car. Kyle follows me and enters from the other side. After he sits, he grabs my hand to hold it. I can’t let him start talking or ask me anything right now. I’m barely holding it together, so I say while looking out the door window, “Not now.”

He listens and says nothing but continues to hold my hand.

* * *

Once we get back to the hotel, I enter our room and go straight to my bedroom, closing the door. I know Kyle wants to talk to me, but I still can’t. For hours, I lay on the bed, just staring off into space. My mind keeps drifting from good times to bad. All the times I felt his love, and then the times I felt nothing.

I hear a knock on my door, then Kyle says, “Listen, hon, I know you don’t want to talk, but I ordered you some chicken noodle soup. Please come out and eat. I promise I won’t say anything.”

I don’t respond; I just lay there in an emotional state. So many emotions that I don’t know how to process. The wall I built up is starting to shatter, and it scares the hell out of me that I won’t be able to keep afloat. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of unknowns.

I open my hand and see the key he gave me. Looking at it, I’m trying to imagine how such a small thing could hold so many questions for me. When I asked what the box had in it, he said, “My love.” What could that possibly mean? I close my hand back up, securing the key. My phone rings, and I know it’s my mom; Kyle must have called her. I don’t answer. I’m not ready to talk to anyone. Not until I can figure out where I go from here.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I wake fully dressed to my phone ringing. I grab it and notice it’s 3:17 in the morning, I also notice it’s Mark. I answer the phone, not saying anything.

“Hello, Murphy, are you there? It’s Mark.”

I clear my throat. “Yes, Mark, I’m here.”

“Murphy, I’m sorry to be calling you at this hour, but I figured you would want to know your father passed away about an hour ago.”

It’s quiet for a while, so Mark says, “Murphy, are you still there?”

 In a whisper, I say, “Yes.”

“Good, I’m sorry for your loss, but we need to discuss the will. I’m going to give you a day or two, and then I will call you to meet me at my office. Please do not leave, it’s important that you be there. Okay?”

“Yes.” I hang up on him and run to the bathroom. I slam the door and start throwing everything on the counter to the floor. I look in the mirror and see my tear-stained face, hating that I allowed him to make me cry again. I start ripping my dress, tearing it off. I look back at myself in the mirror and see I’m still wearing the pearls. I could rip them off, too, but instead I pull them over my head and lay them on the counter. With nothing but my slip on, I fall to my knees, crying like I’ve never cried before. I turn and sit on my butt and hug my legs tight to my chest. Leaning my back against the cabinets and laying my head on my knees, I cry for my loss of a father, my loss of the love I thought I deserved, and I cry for what could have been but can never be now. Damn him for making me feel all this again, Damn him!

I hear the door open. I look up and see Kyle; he’s thrown back for a second seeing me in this state. He gets down on his knees and pulls me onto him.

“Let it out, cry your heart out, Murphy, and then you pick yourself back up. You hear me?”

I nod my head and lean into him, crying for everything I lost. When my tears start to subside, recognition takes its place. I’m done, it’s over, all the wondering and worrying that I wasn’t good enough, all that is finished. I can’t change any of it or go back in time. A pressure that I didn’t realize I was carrying is finally lifted, my shoulders feel lighter as I start to stand. I leave Kyle sitting on the floor and look in the mirror. I am stunned at my appearance but feel a great sense of relief. There is no more fighting between my heart and head. He’s gone, and I have to live with the facts. I am his daughter, and I will not be ignored anymore.

I leave Kyle in the bathroom and head to the living room.

Kyle follows. “Murph, what are you doing?”

“I’m picking myself up. Like you said, I’m hungry. I’m going to order an early breakfast and then make arrangements.”

“Arrangements for what?”

“Arrangements for staying. I am Murphy Larussa’s daughter. I won’t be denied anymore! This city and these people will know who I am. I will get what I deserve, and I’d like to see that bitch of a wife stand in my way. She’ll find out how wrong she is for thinking I’m like Cherry. She’ll be lucky if I leave her anything!”

With a big smile Kyle says, “That’s my girl! Let’s eat.”

Around eight in the morning, I call my mom. She answers quickly. “Mom, I have to tell you something. Dad…he.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Murphy. Mark already called. I know he passed. How are you holding up?”

“Oh, I didn’t think he would call you.”

“Of course he would call me. Your father and I still loved each other.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I knew this day would come. I’m just glad he’s not suffering anymore. I’ll see him again.”

“Mom, I hate when you talk like that, please stop. I can’t handle the idea of ever losing you.”

“No, Murphy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it that way, but you do know one day I won’t be here. I just pray it won’t be anytime soon.”

“Me neither. Are you coming here for the funeral?”

“No, Chéri, I wasn’t planning to go unless you need me to. I’ve made my peace with your dad. But I will go for you if you want me to.”

“No, I’m fine. Look, Mom, Dad said he left me the casino. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I think I need to stay and figure it out. Will you be okay with the club?”

“Yes, Murphy, I’m fine. Don’t worry, you do what you have to, take as much time as you need.”

“Thanks, Mom, I love you.”

“I love you, Mon Chéri. Goodbye.”

I get off the phone, and Kyle asks, “Why didn’t you tell her about Judith and your plans?”

“Because I haven’t formulated any plans yet. As far as Judith goes, my mom has had her own dealings with that woman. She doesn’t need to know what happened. All she needs to know is how I take care of her when it’s all said and done.”

“Wow, Murph. If I didn’t know you, I would be scared.”

“Well, then be scared because I’m done living in the shadows!”