Chapter Nineteen
Tess went for a long walk the next morning, trudging up the hiking path along Red Mountain. She had too much swirling inside her head and heart; clear fresh air would be a good balm for that. The sky was crystalline blue and the air frigid. Snow covered the ground, but someone had cleared the narrow hiking path. Probably Logan, she realized. He managed over half of the houses on Red Mountain. A solid, capable, steady man like him was in high demand among the high-end clients.
Logan . . . God help her, she wasn’t just falling in love with him, she was already in love with him. She’d have to call on every trick she’d ever learned about masking her emotions in the boardroom to get through being with him in the bedroom. The easy affection and camaraderie they shared would help; she could still be playful, touch him, tease him . . . but she’d have to be careful about anything more than that seeping through. If he sensed she wanted more, he’d likely end the deal . . . like he had with Carrie.
Tess focused on visualization as she walked. She put her mental energy into thinking of her future baby. She visualized sitting on her couch back at home, cradling her baby in her arms . . . and Logan, sitting with them, smiling. Damn. Even in her mindful fantasies, he made his way into her thoughts.
When she got back to the house, her cell phone light blinked like crazy. She picked it up to see several texts waiting for her. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge first, she drank some down before settling into the sofa. Bubbles leapt up to snuggle her feet as she scrolled through the texts.
One from Carrie. Wow. Hi Tess. I wanted to apologize for last night. I was mad at him, not you. I shouldn’t have sniped at you, and I’m really sorry.
Tess answered immediately. Hi Carrie. I understand completely. Apology accepted. Thanks for reaching out.
To Tess’s surprise, Carrie responded right away. Thank you for being gracious. When I got to work this morning, I saw you already dropped my class. I feel awful. I thought you enjoyed it.
Tess pursed her lips as she thought about it. Then she typed: Yes, I enjoyed it very much. And yes, I dropped it first thing this morning. I thought, for obvious reasons, it was the right thing to do.
Carrie didn’t answer for a minute. Then her text came in. I hope you’ll reconsider, but I understand if you don’t. Either way, I’m sorry about the rude comment. Not my best moment.
I’ll think about it, Tess responded. And again, I do appreciate your apology. We’re good.
Tess sat back, settling deeper into the plush cushions of the couch. Carrie was a good person, and she was glad they’d talked. But was it fair to rejoin her class, and maybe have either of them feel uncomfortable? Probably not. She could take another class with a different instructor.
Next text was from Logan. Good morning. Just thought I’d let you know that my back looks like I got in a fight with a wildcat and lost. Ouch. And hot damn.
Warmth unfurled low in her belly as she smiled. Raaaawwwr, she typed back.
He didn’t answer right away. Probably working.
Next text was the group text thread she had with her three brothers. Her brows lifted as she saw all three of them had piped in.
Hi Tess, Charles had started. Got an angry call from Dad. Seems you put him in his place, so hooray for you. But he said you told him you might not come home until April. That’s not true, is it?
Don’t ever believe anything the old man says, Pierce had written next. Don’t you know that yet? He’s a shit stirrer. Tess would’ve told us if she was going to stay away that long.
I don’t know, Charles said. Yes, he’s a shit stirrer, as you say. But he sounded pretty adamant about it. I had no answer for him.
Because maybe it’s true, Dane had piped in. We’ve discussed how our darling Tesstastic hasn’t been as communicative as she used to be. Maybe he wrangled that bit of news out of her when he pissed her off . . . Um, Tess? Honey? Feel free to clue us all in. Don’t make us wonder, just set us straight.
Shit, Pierce had written. You’ve got a point, big brother. Tess? What he said. Get in touch, okay?
Yes, please do, Charles wrote. So the next time Dad calls to rage about you, which will likely be every day now that he’s focused on this, I can tell him to STFU and leave you alone.
You should tell him that anyway, Pierce wrote at the end of the thread. Tess can do whatever she wants, she doesn’t have to answer to him, FFS.
“Oh my God,” Tess breathed. She quickly texted them all: I’m here, I’m here. Went for a hike on the mountain and came back to this. You sound like a pack of hens.
Cluck cluck, Dane wrote back immediately. Tell us what’s going on, please. You’re staying there until the spring? Is that actually true?
Yes, she wrote. As of now, staying until March for sure, possibly April. Don’t know yet. She held her breath, waiting for the avalanche.
Jesus Christ, Dane wrote. Why?
Aw man, Pierce wrote.
Fuck, Charles texted. I hate it when Dad’s right & I was in the dark. Goddammit.
Sorry, Tess wrote. It wasn’t planned initially . . . I’m playing it by ear. I’ve got a situation here that’s turned into . . . How could she tell them without telling them? She paused, then wrote, It’s on a month-to-month basis now. So I’m rolling with it as it goes.
WTF??? Dane texted. What does that even mean?
Could you be a bit less vague? Charles asked.
So, Pierce wrote. What’s his name? ;)
Tess barked out a laugh at that. Not only because he’d kind of guessed correctly, but she knew if she told him both of their parents had asked the same thing, he’d be so ticked off. I’m fine. I’m working remotely, I’m exercising every day, I’m painting and skiing and enjoying myself. That’s all anyone needs to know right now. Please respect my privacy.
None of her brothers responded to that for a full minute. She sighed.
I love you guys, she wrote. I promise, I swear, that I’m fine. And I’ll be better about answering calls or texts from now on. Okay?
Okay, Pierce said. It’s your life, Tess. Do your thing. We’re here.
Oh, fuck that! Dane wrote. I’m the only one with a million questions here?
No, Charles answered. But if she wanted to tell us what’s going on, she would. Clearly, we’re not to be privy to such information.
Stop being surly babies, Pierce wrote. It’s not about us. Leave her be. Respect her wishes.
I am! Dane shot back. But I don’t have to like it. I’m worried. And I miss my sister, and I don’t like not knowing what the hell’s going on that’s keeping her away for months at a time. There, I said it, and I’m not sorry, but I’ll stop now.
Ditto, Charles wrote.
She couldn’t help but smile, even as she rolled her eyes. I love you all, she texted. I’m a lucky girl to have such protective brothers. Thank you.
Just don’t disappear, okay? Dane wrote.
That’ll never happen, Tess answered. Besides . . . by the time I get home, I have a feeling I’ll need you all more than ever. Just taking a break from the world right now.
I get that, Pierce wrote. Been there.Take it easy, okay Tessie?
I am, she wrote. She smiled to herself as she tucked her legs beneath her. It’s been wonderful.
The kids miss you, Charles responded. Give them a call soon, if you would?
I will, she wrote back. I promise. Which night is good?
Friday, Charles wrote. After 8:00.
Will do, Tess wrote. All of you send your wives my love, okay?
I miss my buddy, Dane wrote. That’s all. Love you, Tesstastic.
Her heart gave a squeeze as she wrote. Awww. I miss you and love you too. All of you. Talk to you soon. Xoxo
With an exhausted exhale, she dropped the phone onto the coffee table. Then she scooped Bubbles up and hugged her close as her brothers’ words pinged around in her head. She appreciated that they missed her and were concerned . . . but she wasn’t going to tell them or anyone what was going on until she was already pregnant. This was for her. This whole situation was hers and hers alone.
Another text dinged in. She picked up the phone to look. From Logan: You okay today, tigress? No bruises or anything, I hope? Was wondering. Concerned.
He was sweet. She kept her response light. Not much. Come over tomorrow night and see for yourself. Last night of this ovulation.
Yes ma’am, he wrote back. Busy at work today. Just wanted to check in. Text you tonight.
Have a good day, she wrote, adding a smiley emoji.
You too.
Logan’s ruggedly handsome face appeared in her head. She sighed. Well . . . the situation was almost hers alone. There was also this wonderful man who was doing her the favor of a lifetime, whom she’d just realized she was in love with, and couldn’t ever tell him that or he’d probably shut her out of his life. That . . . complicated things a bit.
* * *
Logan held his mother’s arm as they walked slowly into the hospital. She was having one of her bad days, drained and no appetite. He’d tried to get her to eat some lunch, but she’d shooed him away. He’d managed to beg and bully her into drinking a cup of chicken broth before they’d left her house. Now, they sat side by side in the doctor’s office, waiting for him and her latest results. Logan had a bad feeling deep in his gut.
He was on edge and he knew it. His leg bounced as they sat.
“Stop with the leg,” Annmarie chided. “You’re making me jittery.”
“Sorry.” With effort, he stilled his movement. “I’m nervous. Can’t lie.”
“Don’t be,” she said. Her face looked pale and drawn. “Whatever it is, it is. Worrying won’t change that.”
She was right and he hated it. He tried to think of good things . . . skiing with Tess, or being in bed with her. That only put him a bit more over the edge. Her ovulation cycle past, they were in the No Sex Zone now. It’d been two weeks since he’d been inside her, and every muscle in his body was tense with craving. They still spent time together, continuing the ruse for his mom. But being close to her only amplified his longing and need . . . He wanted her all the time. When he’d told her that on Valentine’s Day, he hadn’t been kidding. And he’d surprised himself with the fervor of his words . . . his feelings.
The doctor came in, greeting them as he closed the door behind him, file folders in his hands. Logan took one look at his face and his heart plummeted to his stomach.
The words came in something of a blur as he listened. The latest scans showed . . . efforts were no longer effective . . . two new tumors in her lymph nodes . . . could go at them aggressively . . . Logan felt dazed. His blood rushed through his body, roaring in his ears and pulsing behind his eyes. His stomach twisted nauseously.
“That’s it then,” Annmarie said quietly. “No more. No more treatment.”
“Mom,” Logan choked out.
She shook her head and held up a hand. “My body. My life. My call.” Her eyes were clear as she looked at her son, then the doctor. “I’m going to die anyway. Time to stop poisoning myself and prolonging it. I go out on my terms.”
Logan swallowed back a rush of bile. His mind raced as he looked frantically from one to the other, but he knew. He knew nothing he said would sway her or change her mind; he’d gotten his stubborn streak from her, after all.
He knew this was the real beginning of the end. The doctor looked a little sad but accepting, as if he’d known this was coming. As they talked, discussing it all, Logan felt sick. Desperate, enraged, and lost. But he held it together. For her. Anything for her. He gazed at her, fists clenched in his lap. She needed his strength and support, now more than ever. He could fall apart at home, in private.
* * *
Tess startled when her doorbell rang at seven in the evening. Sitting in the small room designated as an office, she’d been catching up on work emails at the cherrywood desk. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she wore her most comfortable black sweater and multicolored leggings. She wasn’t expecting anyone. Maybe Logan had dropped by? She hurried to answer the door and opened it wide.
Logan stood there, looking . . . like something was very, very wrong.
“Hey,” she said softly. All her inner sirens wailed at the look on his face. “What happened? Something happened, I can see it.”
“Can I come in?” His voice was a low, tight rasp.
She grabbed his arm and pulled him inside, closing the door behind him. He stood there silently.
“Is your mother all right?” Tess asked, fearing the answer.
“No,” he said. He shook his head, lifted his eyes to meet hers . . . The pain there took Tess’s breath away. “I . . . I just . . .”
“Shhhh.” She pulled him close, wrapping her arms around him. His arms lifted to return the embrace, his hold tight, clinging to her.
“I need you tonight,” he whispered in her ear. “I just needed to see you.”
“I’m here,” she whispered. She pulled back to look into his eyes and touched his face. “I’m here, honey.”
His eyes filled with tears and it was a kick to her stomach. “I can’t talk.”
“You don’t have to.” She peeled him out of his coat, got him to kick off his boots, and took him by the hand. She led him up to her bedroom and nudged him to sit down on her bed. He watched without a word as she flicked the switch to start the gas fireplace, then turned off the lights. “Come here, you.”
She lay down on the bed, pulling him down with her, then curled herself around his large, solid body. Dropping a kiss on his cheek, she burrowed into him as his arms banded around her. Her head on his chest, she heard the thick pounding of his heart, felt the way his fingers held tight, and her heart ached for him. She caressed his arm, his beard, his chest as they lay there for a long time, holding each other in the near dark.
“Thanks for this,” he finally whispered after an hour.
“You don’t have to thank me,” she said. “Feel any better yet?”
“A little, actually.” His hand ran up and down her back. “You soothe me.”
“Good, I’m glad. Can you tell me what happened?”
He gave her the short version, his voice low and ragged. Her eyes squeezed shut at the horrible news. His fingers sifted through her hair as he talked, but she now understood the coiled tension in his muscles. When he finished, she whispered kindness and leaned up to press her lips to his.
They kissed languidly, sweetly, a joining of mouths with affection, not lust or duty. But soon the kisses deepened, tongues swirling and hands roaming, sparking heat that burned with a hint of urgency.
“I need you,” he whispered, husky and a bit desperate.
“I’m right here,” she whispered back with warm assurance.
* * *
They made slow, tender love by the flickering light of the fire. She held him close as their bodies rocked together, as he lost himself in the sweet escape of her body. He kissed her, stroked her, looked deep into her eyes as he moved inside her. And she met his searching gaze, his languorous thrusts, his every need at every point. She was a goddess, a savior, a lifeline. When she came, she held him so close it was if they were one. His orgasm rolled through him and he sailed over the precipice in relief, holding her tight as he found release, saying her name over and over like a prayer.
Covered in a light sheen of sweat, they stared into each other’s eyes and kissed, a million sweet and tiny sips as their bodies calmed.
“You need to raise your hips,” he murmured.
“Not tonight,” she said. “I need to hold you and not let go.”
His mind reeled. In his angry grief, he’d come to her. After settling his mother in at her house, he’d driven straight to Tess’s house without conscious thought. And Tess had welcomed him without a moment’s pause, giving him the support, comfort, and affection he needed so desperately. Her. He needed her desperately. She was all he wanted.
He hovered over her, pushed back her hair from her face, and stared into her beautiful blue eyes. Emotions rolled through him, waves of warmth and connection. He pressed his lips to hers. “You’re amazing.”
She only smiled and kissed him back.
He rolled, pulling her with him until they settled side by side, still locked in an embrace. “I’m wiped out,” he murmured. “What a day . . .”
“So go to sleep,” she said, stroking his beard.
He glanced down at her. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Do you want to leave this bed right now?”
“Not for all the money in the world.”
“So give in. Go to sleep.” She kissed his cheek and added in a whisper, “It’s okay.”
Suddenly overcome by exhaustion, he kissed her once more and closed his eyes.
He woke with a start in a dark room. Disoriented, he tried to piece together where he was . . . Hair tickled his chest. Tess’s warm body was aligned with his. He had no idea what time it was. She slept soundly, curled into his side. He listened to her slow, deep breathing, letting it hypnotize him back to sleep.
When he opened his eyes again, there was light. Dark gray light poured in from the floor-to-ceiling glass wall of Tess’s bedroom. The forest and mountains were barely visible outside, but still a stunning view. He lifted his head to look over Tess’s sleeping body to the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was just past six in the morning. This was usually when he woke for the day, but he felt tired deep in his bones. He let himself give in and closed his eyes once more.
Movement on his arm jostled him out of sleep . . . a tiny wet tongue on his face. Sputtering, he raised up on his elbows, then laughed. Tess wasn’t licking him awake, Bubbles was.
“Naughty girl,” Tess reprimanded the dog. “Let him sleep!” She gave Bubbles a gentle push away from Logan.
“It’s fine,” he said, flopping back down. Sunlight peeked from between thick clouds over the mountains. Again, he gazed at the view, enjoying it. Then he realized he was waking up in that big cozy bed beside Tess for the first time, and he wanted to savor it. The bed felt as amazing as he’d always suspected it would, but waking up with her was even more amazing. Warmth stole through him. He pulled her in close and lightly kissed her lips. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning.” She smiled, a lazy, sweet curve of her mouth. “How’d you sleep?”
“Both like a rock, and restlessly,” he said. “It was weird. When I was asleep, it was so deep, I didn’t even dream. But I woke up a few times . . . Guess my brain wouldn’t let me be.”
“I’m not surprised.” She gripped his chin and pressed kisses to his mouth. “Glad you slept at all. You needed it.”
“Yeah, I did.” He trailed a fingertip along her cheek. “Thanks for letting me stay over.”
“Thanks for not arguing with me. I could see you needed to pass out.”
“I did. I . . . I needed to be here with you.” He only realized just how much as he said the words. His throat got a little thick. “You gave me the comfort I needed last night. Thank you. You’re an incredible friend.”
“I’m glad I could give you what you needed,” she murmured. She kissed him once more, then sat up. “How about coffee? Can I make you some breakfast?”
“Yes to the coffee,” he said. “But I’m making you breakfast. Time to treat you with my culinary skills.”
“On top of your already incredible bedroom skills? You’re a man of many talents.” She got out of bed and he relished the view of her lithe naked body. He tried to ignore his morning wood as she crossed the room to grab her soft red robe. But as she pushed her feet into the matching slippers, she eyed his growing erection. “How about after breakfast, we take care of that . . . ?”
His cock twitched at the thought. “I like how you think, lady.”
He pulled on his jeans, didn’t bother with the sweater, then made himself comfortable in her kitchen. Enjoying the space and high-end appliances, it was a pleasure to make omelets with onions, mushrooms, and Swiss cheese. She toasted some whole wheat bread and made coffee. They sat at the kitchen table and ate together in quiet comfort.
“This is really nice,” he said.
“It is.” She smiled. “And you’re a great cook. Thanks for this.”
“That’s nothing,” he asserted. “I really can cook, you know. I need to cook for you more often.”
“Then do it. Stay over more often and cook for me.” Her eyes sparkled.
The words were playful, but they set off something inside him.
Being with her felt so natural, so right, because it was. Yesterday, when his world teetered off its axis, he’d gone running to her. She’d been like a beacon in the storm . . . and she’d given him exactly what he needed, and so much more.
Somehow, she’d become the best, brightest part of his life. She understood him, was there for him without hesitation, and appreciated him. She made him laugh. She made him burn with desire. She was a supportive friend, a sensual lover, a smart and insightful woman he had utmost respect for. She brought out the best in him, things in him he’d buried so deep, so long ago, he’d forgotten they existed. He gazed at her now, realizing the quiet but unavoidable truth: He loved her.
How the hell had that happened? It was supposed to be a deal, plain and simple. A carefully planned arrangement. Friends with benefits, not deep true love. He didn’t do relationships, dammit. He kept himself isolated on purpose; he wanted no ties to people . . . so he’d never get hurt again like he had before. This was shattering.
“You just disappeared into your head,” she said gently. “Want to share?”
He cleared his throat, suddenly dry. No, he didn’t want to share. He needed time to wrap his head around this. He needed to stomp it down where it belonged, into the ground. She was counting on him to be only her friend, no strings attached. To get her pregnant, with a baby he’d already signed away his rights to, so she could go back to New York and live her life, with him in the rearview mirror, an appreciated footnote in the long story of her life.
She touched his hand, a feather’s touch, leaning in to peer harder. It made his heart skip a beat. This beautiful woman . . . God, she owned his heart. Holy fuck, his head was spinning.
“Hey. Logan.” She frowned, eyes searching. “You okay?”
He had to say something. To at least tell her she meant the world to him. If he started now, maybe one day she could look back and know how much he’d cared, and he’d have that much. Because loving her, having anything more with her than what they had now, wasn’t an option. “Tess, I—”
There were voices, the jangling of keys, and the front door closed. Both of their heads swiveled toward it in alarm. Tess’s hand tightened on his. “Someone’s here.”
“What the hell—?” Logan began, but his question died in the air.
“Hello?” a familiar male voice called out. “Tess?”
“Oh my God,” she breathed, eyes round with horror. Her eyes flickered over Logan’s shirtless torso, her own robe-clad body. But there was no time. A few seconds later, her three brothers stood in the kitchen doorway. Tall, strong men, frozen in their tracks, three pairs of bright blue eyes wide with shock.
Logan drew a long sigh.
“Thought I smelled something cooking,” Pierce quipped.