Chapter Twenty-Three
Logan woke up in the dim light of sunrise. He was in Tess’s big, cozy sleigh bed, with her against his side. A peek at her nightstand clock showed it was just past six a.m. Tess slept soundly; naked, warm, endlessly tempting. But he sighed as he drew her even closer, careful not to wake her. Today was the day. He’d been dreading this for two and half weeks.
It was the damnedest thing, though. They’d acted as much like a real couple in these past weeks as he’d ever been with his ex-wife. They’d gone out and stayed in, shared meals and laughs, made love every night . . . And yeah, they said all the time how they were just friends. Like a disclaimer. Every time he felt that intense pull that sometimes had them staring into each other’s eyes, one of them would remark on how amazing their friendship was.
He never told her, never even hinted at it, but she owned him, heart and soul. And today, she was going back to New York to live her life with their baby . . . no. For the hundredth time, he reminded himself it was her baby. He wouldn’t get to see this child grow up. He’d rarely, if ever, see the child at all. To think when he’d started this, he’d been fine with that . . .
God, he’d been so fucking stupid. Thinking he’d do her this favor, that it wouldn’t really tie him to her, that he’d get to do a good deed but stay on his own, that he wouldn’t get emotionally attached. He’d been blindsided. Tess Harrison was the most incredible person he’d ever known, and this deal had become everything.
She’d become one of his closest friends . . . maybe his best friend, really. She knew him in ways no one else did. No one since Rachel. He hadn’t let anyone. But when he wasn’t looking, without even realizing it, he’d let his walls down and let Tess in. And she seemed to understand him, appreciate him, just for who he was. And she . . . She was a marvel. She radiated light, kindness, intelligence, strength. Add to that how damned beautiful and sexy she was. He loved everything about her.
Now he had to let her go, and it would come just short of killing him to do so.
He wanted to ask her to stay. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He wanted . . . He wanted lots of things, but none of them would be fair. He’d signed papers. He’d made promises. He’d sworn to honor her and her decisions. If he tried to change that now, she’d leave him in the dust.
He very clearly remembered what she’d said the night she’d asked him to be her sperm donor: I want to have a baby and raise it as my own. I don’t want a partner, and I don’t need a father figure . . . The fact that you don’t want to be a father is perfect, because I don’t want you to be its father . . . This child is going to be mine, and mine alone . . . I want it that way.
She wanted independence. He loved her enough to let her go. But first, he had to get through driving her to the damn airport . . . He actually had to help her leave.
She curled closer into him in her sleep with a tiny sigh, tossing her long, perfect leg over his thigh. He moved his hand down to caress her skin as he thought about the night before. It’d been a goodbye dinner at his mom’s house. When it was time for him to take Tess home, Annmarie had clutched Tess in a tight hug.
“I’ll be back soon,” Tess told her, returning the hug. She’d looked over Annmarie’s head to Logan, the bittersweet look of surprise on her face wringing his heart out. Tess patted Annmarie on the back. “This isn’t goodbye. It’s just goodbye for now. I’ll be back in two months for a visit. I won’t be able to stay away from your son for longer than that.”
As Logan thought, Nice touch, sweetheart, Annmarie had pulled back to look up into Tess’s face and say tremulously, “It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you, Tess. Truly. You’re a wonderful woman.”
“Oh my goodness,” Tess murmured, obviously touched. “I feel the same way about you.”
“Thank you for making my son smile again,” Annmarie said, her voice catching. “Thank you for making him happy.”
Logan felt his heart drop to his stomach. He almost swayed where he stood.
“If I’ve done that, that’s wonderful,” Tess said quietly. “He’s an incredible man, your son. I adore him. Thank you for sharing him with me.”
At that, Logan’s breath caught, emotions ravaging him.
And as he recalled it again now, he felt his eyes prick with tears. Jesus, what had he done? He’d perpetuated a lie to make his mom happy, and justified it as granting a dying woman her wish. But now . . . Annmarie had grown to care deeply about Tess, and vice versa. Was that fair, to either of them? He didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know anything anymore. There were no lines, much less blurred ones . . . only chaos. In such a short time, everything had changed. He had changed.
But he held all that inside. He made sweet, tender love to Tess to wake her up. They showered together, they ate breakfast together, and he helped her pack up the last of her things. He carried her suitcases to the car and helped her with Bubbles. They drove to the airport in silence. She held his hand the whole way there, and he savored the feel of her soft, warm fingers intertwined with his.
At the airport, he unloaded her stuff and took it to curbside check-in, then offered to wait with her . . . but Tess shook her head. When he saw tears in her eyes, his heart stuttered and his stomach started to churn.
“My God,” she whispered huskily, “I’m going to miss you so much.”
He tried to swallow back the lump in his throat. “I’m going to miss you too. More than you know.”
She flung her arms around him, holding tight as if her life depended on it. He held her close, breathing her in, memorizing her scent and the lines of her body and the thick softness of her curls between his fingers . . . and trying not to let her tears pierce his heart. He failed. Every moment ripped his heart out a little bit more.
“This isn’t goodbye,” he whispered, echoing her words to his mother the night before. “It’s just goodbye for now.”
“I know,” she said, sniffling and trying to compose herself. “I know. I’ve just gotten so used to seeing you, being with you . . .” She pulled back to look up at him, and the tears streaked down her face. “Thank you for everything. Everything, Logan. This winter with you . . . I’ll cherish it for the rest of my life. I need you to know that.” She grabbed his face and kissed him hard.
He yanked her in tight, kissing her back with all the passion and love in his heart. “I will too,” he choked out between kisses. “You’re my Long Island Lady. You’re amazing. So don’t disappear, okay?”
“Not a chance.” She pulled back, leaning her forehead against his, stroking his beard, her eyes closed as the tears rolled down her face. “I have to go,” she finally whispered raggedly.
He watched her go to the truck and lift Bubbles out of the backseat. Ah man, he’d even miss that cute little dog. He scratched her behind the ears and said, “You take good care of your mama, okay?”
Tess gasped out a sob. He cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for one long, last kiss. “Take good care of yourself,” he commanded in a rough murmur. “Let me know how you’re doing. I know it won’t be every day like it’s been here, and that really, I have no right.”
“We’re close now,” she said staunchly. “Of course you have a right.”
“Well, then. Just let me know once in a while that you’re okay.” He stepped back before he lost it and asked her not to go. “If you need anything, you let me know. I mean it.”
“I know you do.” She smiled sadly, wiping away her tears with her free hand. “You too, please. If your mom takes a bad turn, if you need to talk, if you need anything . . . please call me. Text me. Anything.”
He nodded, staring back. “Goodbye, sweetness. Safe flight.”
Her eyes welled again, but she smiled through it one last time. Clutching Bubbles close, she turned away to walk into the terminal.
Logan watched her go until he couldn’t see her anymore. Then he got back in the truck and pulled slowly away from the curb to drive back into town . . . back into the way it’d been before a whirlwind named Tess Harrison had blown into his lonely life. The difference now was, he hadn’t cared before that he’d been lonely. Hadn’t even realized it, really. Now he knew it, and it was a sharp, throbbing misery.
He scrubbed a hand over his face at a red light, chastising himself. This emotional goodbye had knocked him sideways. For fuck’s sake, it wasn’t like he’d never see her again. It was the second week of March, and she’d promised to come back in mid-May. But things wouldn’t be the same again, and he knew it. The daily banter and contact, the night after night of passionate lovemaking . . . Hell, they might not even be lovers ever again, since the fact was he’d fulfilled his end of the bargain. And she was too amazing a woman to stay alone forever. Someday, surely she’d meet someone else . . . He scowled and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The thought tore him apart.
He pulled into his driveway, cut the engine, and sat there for a long time, aching.
They’d talk. They’d stay in touch. But he had to work on letting go of her. Because even though he’d see her again, she’d never come back to him. Distance would remind her of who she was and where she belonged. That this had been a deal. She was pregnant now; she didn’t need him anymore.