Between You and Me by Jennifer Gracen (25)

Chapter Twenty-Four

A sharp buzzing sound woke Tess with a start. She opened her eyes, looked around, and realized that, yet again, she’d fallen asleep on the couch in her office. Thank God it was there; she’d napped every day since she’d been back in New York. The way pregnancy slammed her with exhaustion, napping every day, sometimes twice a day, was the only way she was getting through. But compared to puking every morning, she’d gladly take the fatigue.

She’d kept herself busy for the past five weeks. Poring over websites for ideas on decorating the baby’s room and all things baby; spending time with her brothers and their families; getting a plan in motion for how she would handle her job once she became a single mother; reading articles daily on pregnancy, childbirth, newborns, infancy . . . All of which were necessary, but also a way to think less about Logan. She missed him so much it hurt. And she felt him slipping away a little more each week.

The intercom on her phone buzzed again. The phone was on her desk . . . all the way across the room. She was so tired; it felt like it was miles away. With a weary moan, she closed her eyes again. Whoever it was would have to wait...

A gentle hand patted her shoulder. “Tess. Hey, sleepyhead. C’mon now.”

“Huh?” She opened her eyes and focused on her brother, who was crouching down to look into her face. “Hey, Dane.”

“Hey, Tesstastic. You okay?”

She yawned. “Fine. Just tired.”

“You’re out cold at twelve thirty in the afternoon. Is that normal?” he asked, brow furrowing with concern.

She laughed lightly. “Yes. I’m fine. Ask your brothers’ wives if you don’t believe me.”

“Well, from what I heard, both Abby and Lisette spent a good part of their early pregnancies with their heads in the toilet, so no thanks.” Dane grinned and shifted from his crouch to sit in the armchair adjacent to the couch.

“Yeah, I’ve been spared that much at least.” Tess took a deep breath and sat up slowly. “No morning sickness at all, just tired most of the time. I’ll get past it soon. Almost done with the first trimester already, then supposedly I’ll feel better, get my energy back.” She stretched her arms over her head. “So why am I so lucky as to be blessed with your presence?”

“We were supposed to go to lunch,” he reminded her.

Her eyes flew wide. “Oh no! You’re right! Ah crap.”

He laughed. “Jeez. You forgot all about me. Not like you.”

“Blame it on pregnancy brain,” she said.

“It kicks in this soon? Shit, you’re in trouble then.” He grinned wickedly, but his voice was gentle as he asked, “Do you want to cancel? Get back to your nap?”

“No, of course not.” She rose slowly and stretched again. “Besides, I’m starving. Not working most of the morning has apparently made me famished.”

“Are you carrying a baby, or an alien life form?” he joked. “Sucking the life force out of you, seeking nourishment. . .”

“You’re a dork.” She laughed as she crossed her office to her desk. “Let me just check the emails I haven’t looked at to make sure there are no emergencies, and we’ll get out of here. Give me five minutes?”

“No problem.” He crossed one long leg over the other as he pulled his phone from his inside jacket pocket. “I’ll tell Julia you say hi. She wants to see you soon, by the way. Dinner next week, maybe? Monday or Tuesday?”

“I’d love that,” Tess said as she clicked into her inbox. “Tuesday works for me.”

She scanned her work emails quickly; nothing there that couldn’t wait. Then she checked her personal email, and there was one from Logan. Her breath caught. Since she’d returned to New York, he’d cut way down on contact, texting her every three or four days instead of daily, and no phone calls. She was hurt by the lessening contact, but supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. Logan Carter went it alone. He’d made that clear from the start.

So what if she thought things had changed? So what if she thought she’d maybe seen his eyes get a little glassy during their emotional goodbye, or that he’d kissed her as fervently as she’d kissed him? He wasn’t letting her stay close; that became more clear with each passing week. And it hurt. Truth was, thinking about him only made her miserable. She missed him like hell. Apparently, that wasn’t mutual.

But he’d never sent her an email before. Usually, they talked via texts. So with curiosity building, she clicked on it. But when she opened it, she realized it wasn’t just to her, but to her and her two older brothers. It had to be something about the house, then, since Pierce wasn’t addressed; Tess owned the ski house with only Dane and Charles, since Pierce had been living in England when they bought it.

Tess felt her blood pressure start to rise. Annmarie was worse? Why hadn’t he said so? Why hadn’t he told her anything? She could feel her blood race through her veins, leaving vague nausea in its wake.

Then another thought hit, like a kick to the chest. Was this really solely about his mother, or did he just want to quit dealing with the Harrisons because of Tess? He’d been slipping away slowly. Was she being paranoid, or was this a real possibility? What the hell was going on? A million questions rushed through her on another wave of anxious adrenaline, leaving her breathless.

“Um . . . Tess?” Dane looked up from his phone, catching her eye from across the room. He looked ambivalent as he said, “I just saw an email from Logan.”

“I’m just reading it now,” she said tightly as her stomach roiled.

“You didn’t know about this before now?”

“I’m as shocked as you are,” she muttered.

“Huh.” He peered harder. “Actually, you seem more so. Your face is all flushed.”

She huffed out a hard breath. “I’m a little pissed off. I had no idea he was doing this.”

“I thought you two were close.”

“So did I,” she bit out. Maybe it was the hormones, but she wanted to throw something. Instead she turned off her computer and shot to her feet. “I need lunch.”

“Maybe you need to talk,” Dane suggested in a soft voice, a tone one would use to talk to a child or wounded animal. “Are you okay? You look really upset.”

“I am upset!” she cried. “I had no idea that . . . that he . . .” Her eyes filled with tears.

“Ah shit, honey. Come here.” Dane stood and crossed to give her a hug. “Tell me something. If he’s distancing himself, is that the worst thing in the world?”

She didn’t say anything. Resting her head on her big brother’s shoulder, she clamped her lips tightly, holding back her words as she willed her tears to stay in her eyes and not escape.

“I thought you two were just friends,” Dane said.

“We are,” she whispered. “That’s the problem.”

“Aha. You’re in love with him,” Dane guessed.

“Well, duh.” Tess stepped back and sniffled hard. “It’s complicated.”

“Now there’s an understatement.” He smiled kindly as he added, “I’ve been waiting for you to fess up for weeks, you know.”

“Oh really.”

“Yup. I mean . . . you’ve been so excited and happy about the baby . . . but with this underlying sadness that’s made no sense. Now it makes sense.” He sighed. “You’ve been missing him.”

The tears sprang up and rolled down her face. She sniffled and wiped them away with impatient flicks of her fingers. Her heart felt like it was lodged in her throat.

“My poor sweetheart. Shit.” Dane let out another sigh. “Come on. Let’s go get you and my growing niece or nephew fed, and you’ll tell me all about it. Maybe I can help. If I can’t, at least I’m here to listen.” He tweaked her nose the way he always had when they were kids. “I love you, Tesstastic. I hate seeing you sad. I’m here for you.”

His show of kindness left Tess wobbly with gratitude. She hugged him again and whispered, “Thank you.”

* * *

When Tess got home that evening, she’d had an entire car ride through rush-hour traffic to think over her lunchtime chat with Dane. He thought she should tell Logan how she felt; she disagreed. But one thing she’d definitely agreed with: Call him, not text or email, and ask him directly what was going on.

As soon as she’d let Bubbles out to go potty, fed her, and sat down, she did something she hadn’t done in over five weeks: She called Logan.

“Hey there,” came his deep voice over the line, and it sent a shiver right through her. “How are you?”

God, she’d missed his voice. She knew hearing it would only make her miss him more, which was why she hadn’t called all this time. Now, the sound of his low, sexy rumble made her want to crawl through the phone to get to him and wrap herself in his strong arms. But all she said was, “I got your email today.”

“I figured,” he said.

“Annmarie’s worse? Why haven’t you told me?”

“Umm . . . yes, she is, and because there’s nothing you can do, so why upset you?”

“Because I care,” Tess ground out. “Because I’d like to support you, and her, if I can. How about that?”

He paused. “You sound angry.”

“I am,” she admitted. “You’ve been contacting me less, which stings as it is. Now I find out she’s worse and you’re quitting my family through a formal group email?”

“I’m not quitting your family,” he said. “I’m giving some of my houses to Richie because I’m not going to have the time to devote to them. Something’s gotta give. I’m taking care of my professional obligations.”

“Who are you talking to?” she exploded in a shout. She sprung up from the couch to pace wildly. “This is me, Logan. You’re talking to me like I’m a fucking client.”

“You are one of my clients.”

“Not anymore. Right?” Her heart pounded, her blood raced. “And we’ve been a hell of a lot more to each other than that. So tell me the truth. Is this really about reassigning your jobs, or about getting away from me? Because I can’t shake the feeling that in spite of everything we shared, all the wonderful things you said and did, you’re doing your best to get away from me now, and this is just part of it.”

Again he paused, then said in a low, deliberate tone, “Tess, my whole world doesn’t revolve around you.”

She stopped in her tracks, the air rushing out of her lungs. His rebuke felt like a slap. Embarrassment washed over her, but was quickly replaced by icy anger. She let it drape over her like a familiar cloak. “I never thought it did, thank you very much.”

“Tess, look—”

“No, forgive me, Mr. Carter.” She put on her coolest boardroom tone, even as it was hard to breathe. “Certainly your daily responsibilities have nothing to do with me. The assumption was my mistake, based on emotion and our history. I won’t let that happen again.”

“Stop it,” he spat. “Don’t go all Ice Queen on me. Clearly you’re mad, but just hear—”

“Tell me about Annmarie,” she said.

“Dammit, Tess—”

“Please tell me what’s going on with her,” Tess insisted. “That’s all I want to know at this point.”

He swore under his breath, then said tersely, “She’s getting weak. She called me three days ago because she’d fallen and didn’t have the strength to get up. I had to scoop her off her bedroom floor. Scans show the cancer’s in her bones now. So yeah, it doesn’t get better from here, only worse.”

“I’m so sorry,” she murmured, her eyes closing. Damn. Damn it all to hell. “I wish you’d told me.”

“You’re pregnant,” he bit out. “I thought upsetting you needlessly wasn’t good for you and the baby.”

“I’m pregnant,” she echoed, “but I’m not some delicate flower. I’m in perfect health. You don’t have to spare me from things.” She drew a shaky breath. “I thought . . . I thought we were a team. What happened to that?”

“You’re gone,” he said, and the seething anger she heard shook her to the core. “This isn’t your problem, it’s not your responsibility, it’s not your anything.”

She thought she might throw up. She swallowed back bile, then swallowed again to try to loosen the lump in her throat. Finally, she managed softly, “Again, forgive me. I thought we were close. I thought we meant a lot to each other.”

“Tess—”

“Even though I’m not physically there, I wanted to continue to support you however possible. I see now you don’t want that, and I was mistaken. My apologies. Please send Annmarie my best. I won’t call you again.” She ended the call and tossed the phone onto the couch.

She realized her hands were trembling. So were her insides. What the hell had happened? Why was he being like this? Working so hard to push her away? She wrapped her arms around her middle and started to cry. It didn’t matter. Clearly he felt nothing for her like she felt for him. She’d misread him horribly and felt like a fool. Hurting, angry, and upset about Annmarie, Tess sank onto the couch, dropped her head into her hands, and cried.

* * *

“Jesus Christ, you’re a hot mess.”

Logan looked up from his untouched lunch. “What are you talking about?”

“You. You’re moping.” Annmarie shook her head slowly. “I mean, you’ve been a wreck since Tess left, but you’re in rare form today. What happened?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it,” he grumbled, looking back down at his plate. He nudged the wild rice around aimlessly with his fork, pushing it into a pile beside the roasted chicken he had no appetite for.

“It might help to talk about it,” she said.

He glanced up at her. “Nope.”

“Oh boy. This is classic Logan. Old Logan, the one I thought was gone. Pfffft.” She tsked and reached for her water glass with a slow hand. After she took a few sips, she said, “So you want to hear what I was thinking?”

“Sure.”

“I was thinking after I die, you should move to New York and marry Tess.”

He snorted and laughed ruefully. “Not gonna happen.”

“Why not? You love her, she loves you. Why the hell not?”

His eyes rested on her drawn face. “She loves me, huh?”

“Of course she does,” Annmarie scoffed. “I’ve never seen a woman so in love. And I’ll tell you something else. I never once saw Rachel look at you the way Tess does. Not once, in all those years.”

Logan’s eyes widened. He didn’t say a word. He reached for his water glass and gulped before saying, “She’s not in love with me, Mom.”

Annmarie scoured his features, then her mouth made a little twist. “My God . . . You never said the words to her, did you?” she murmured. Her gaze locked on his like a hawk. “Tell me the truth. You’ve never said it to her, have you? Told her you love her.”

“No.”

“Jesus Christ, for a smart man, you’re so damn stupid.” She picked up her napkin off her lap and tossed it onto the table in disgust. “Why the hell not? What are you protecting yourself from? The incredible woman who’s obviously in love with you? What is wrong with you?”

“I can’t do this,” he snarled, pushing away from the table. He got to his feet and drew a deep breath, trying to rein in his emotions. He placed his fists on the table and leaned on them. “There’s a lot going on you don’t . . . You don’t understand, Mom.”

“I understand you,” she said. “I understand you’re so afraid of losing someone you care about, you haven’t let yourself get close to anyone since Katrina, since Rachel walked out on you, since all of that. Guess what?” Her stare was unflinching. “I’m dying. I’ll be gone soon. You’re going to lose me.”

“Stop it,” he snapped.

“You’re going to lose me, my sweet boy,” she said. “But you’re going to survive it. Just like you survived everything else. Life goes on. So will you.”

He stared back at her, his heart thumping so hard he thought it might explode out of his chest.

“So . . .” Annmarie rose slowly, eyes still locked on him. “Do you want to live your life, or just survive it? There’s a big difference.”

He felt the blood rush to his face, heard it rush through his ears.

“Being alone isn’t going to spare you heartache, Logan,” she said. “It’s just going to make you even more miserable. Don’t you get that yet? You’re not protecting yourself. You’ve been hiding.”

“I have not,” he said.

“Bullshit. Yes, you were. You were until you met Tess. And boom, you were alive again, for the first time in years.” She shook her head at him. “You lose her, and you’ll lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you. And for what, self-protection? You’re going to live a long, lonely life. Just like I did after your father died. Congratulations.”

He couldn’t move. He stood there and stared at her, heart pounding relentlessly, breath stuck in his lungs.

“Tess can live fine without you,” his mother said. “She’s strong as hell. Stronger than you, my dear boy. And she’s incredible. Beautiful, smart, kind. So tell me something. You think she’ll be alone for long? Because I’m here to tell you: no way. Someone will scoop her up.”

He scowled and scrubbed his hands over his face. It was all true. Nothing he hadn’t thought before, but to hear someone else say it made it sting worse.

Annmarie went to him, her hands lifting to cup his face, over his beard. She looked up into his eyes . . . She seemed smaller. Frail. His heart squeezed over that for the thousandth time. She commanded, “Don’t let her go. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life, Logan. I’m not kidding.”

“She’s already gone, Mom,” he murmured raggedly. “I’ve been pushing her away, and as of last night, I think it finally took.”

Annmarie shook her head. “I’d bet this condo that if you went to her and poured your heart out for once in your stubborn life, you’d get her back.” Her fingers dug into his shoulders, as if she could shake sense into him.

He sighed. There was so much she didn’t understand. Which, of course, was his fault for lying to her in the first place. What a mess. “Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“I’ll worry about you ’til I stop breathing,” she said. “I’m a mother. It’s part of the job description.”

His shoulders lifted in a lifeless shrug. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she demanded. “Get your head out of your ass and get Tess back.”

He breathed out a chuckle. “Got a way with words.”

“Logan. Honey . . .” She grabbed his face again, made him look into her eyes. “You deserve to be happy. Do you hear me?”

He nodded, but his throat was too thick to speak.

“I thought you’d stopped punishing yourself for the past, but I see clearly now that you never did. Hear me.” She shook him a little. “You deserve to be happy.”

His eyes stung. He didn’t move, just met her intense stare.

“Does Tess make you happy?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Don’t. Let. Her. Go.” She stared harder. “Don’t go through life like this. Yes, it’s scary to think that you can lose the people who are important to you. That’s why when someone great crosses your path, you’ve gotta hold on with everything you’ve got. It’s what makes life meaningful. Our connections with others. It’s a leap of faith, a risk . . . but it’s a risk so worth taking.”

Her hands slid down to his shoulders. “Logan . . . you can have happiness of your own. Fight for it. You have to try, or you’ll never forgive yourself. I don’t want that for you. You’ve wasted enough time beating yourself up, isolating yourself. Take a chance. She’s wonderful, and she loves you. I know she does, even if you won’t let yourself believe it.” Suddenly she weaved where she stood.

Logan’s hands shot out to grab her. “Whoa, I’ve got you. You okay?”

She felt wobbly to him. “Yeah. Just got a little light-headed. Looking up at you for too long made the blood rush back . . . Why do you have to be so damn tall?”

“Why do you have to exhaust yourself lecturing me?” he tried to joke back, even as he held her close to move her toward the living room couch.

“Because you’re a frustrating moron,” she grumbled, clinging to him as they walked slowly. “Good thing I love you more than life itself.”