“What are you grinning about?” I asked as I sat down on the edge of the couch next to Mona. She shook her head and glanced in Ella’s direction.
“Nothing,” she replied, and let out a yawn. “God, I’m exhausted.”
“Well, I’m just hungry.” I got to my feet and made my way over to what I assumed stood in for the kitchen; a small counter, a stovetop, and a cupboard. I opened the cupboard, and found it stocked with the basics—pasta, oil, some vegetables. I pulled out a handful of ingredients and set about making us something to eat. Mona watched me in silence from the couch, and I wondered whether she was regretting agreeing to come with me. She probably wanted her own bed in her own apartment by now—but I didn’t know what I’d have done without her here. I would never have asked for or expected her presence here, but I was glad to have it.
“What are you making?” Mona got to her feet and peered into the pot I was now stirring atop the stove.
“Just some pasta.” I shrugged. “There’s not much here to work with, honestly.”
“It smells amazing,” she sighed, and leaned up against the counter for a moment. She eyed me for a moment, and I suddenly became very aware of how alone we were together. Any attempts we might have made to keeping this thing entirely platonic seemed to be undercut by the machinations of the universe.
“I can’t wait till this is all done with,” she went on, and I glanced up at her, brow furrowed.
“What, dinner?”
“No!” She laughed at my lack of comprehension. “All of this. You know, when we catch whoever it was and get this sorted for good.”
“I don’t think we have to pretend we don’t know who it was,” I pointed out. “It’s Ian. It’s just a matter of getting our hands on him, wherever he is.”
“Fair point,” she admitted.
“But you’re right.” I glanced up at her. “When this is done…”
I trailed off. I knew what I wanted to say—that when this was done, the two of us could be together and that would be that. Well, if she still wanted me after all this time and everything that had already wedged itself between us. I turned back to the pot, hoping she didn’t fill in the blanks for herself. But Mona wasn’t that stupid; she cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes, honing in on what I hadn’t said.
“What are you going to do when this is done?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “This…so much has changed. Not just because of this.”
I looked up at her, and I could see the comprehension in her face, the look that told me that yes, she understood what I meant and yes, she felt the same way. She had come into my life adjacent to this nightmare, and it felt as though she would always be connected to it. Until we could put it to bed, she would be embroiled in it in the back of my mind. I knew it was all coincidence, but that didn’t do much to assuage the irrationality at the back of my brain that said different.
“I know,” she murmured.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” I blurted out. I didn’t mean it to sound so needy, and I instantly turned back to the food to avoid her gaze—but I couldn’t unsay it. I didn’t want to. It was true, after all.
“I’ll be here as long as you need me,” she assured me, placing a hand on my arm—there it was again, that flicker of attraction and affection between us, the one that I had been doing my best to ignore up until now. She moved her hand, as though she felt it too and didn’t want to push our luck. I spoke again, filling the silence.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, smiling at how ridiculous it sounded. “After her mom dumped me, I didn’t want to let anyone else get too close to her. I thought, if her mom can just up and leave, what’s there to keep anyone else from doing the same?”
“Is that why you never dated?”
I didn’t meet her gaze, but I nodded. “The thought of dragging her through all of that again, I just couldn’t bear it,” I went on, tasting the sauce that was coming together nicely in the pot in front of us.
“So that’s why you kept me as the babysitter.” She cocked an eyebrow. “So you could keep me at arm’s length.”
I hesitated; I knew I should have shut the conversation down before it even started, but it seemed stupid to try and deny the obvious. Everything was so raw tonight, the evening around us feeling as though it couldn’t possibly be happening in real life. And in that strange space, I felt as though I could say anything.
“Yes,” I admitted with a nod. I still couldn’t look at her—if I so much as glanced in her direction, I knew that I would gum up again.
“Jazz…” She got to her feet, and just hearing her say my name sent a prickle up my back. Fuck, this woman—I had no idea how I felt about her, whether it was lust or love or something in between, but she had an effect on me that no one else had ever had in my life.
“I can’t stop thinking about that night,” she murmured, her voice low. It was the first time either of us had mentioned it since we’d had that conversation agreeing to keep sex and romance off the table. But then, how long could we conceivably pretend that it hadn’t happened? It was so obvious there was something between us, and hearing her confirm it just made it even harder to ignore.
I didn’t reply, unable to find the words to say what I needed to. I pulled the pot from the stove instead, and began plating up dinner in silence. I handed her a plate, and she took it gratefully and began to tuck in. Okay, maybe we could move past this…? Maybe there was some way to pretend that conversation had never happened. Yeah, we were both vulnerable and emotional and hungry and that was all it came down to.
We sat at opposite ends of the couch, and I groped around for something to talk about. But my mind kept drifting back to what she had said—that she hadn’t been able to get the night we spent together out of her brain. I knew exactly what she meant, because those memories had lingered at the back of my mind for longer than I’d have cared to admit.
“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, shaking her head.
“What for?”
“I shouldn’t have brought any of it up,” she sighed. “I know we agreed…I know we agreed that we weren’t going to let it get in the way of things with Ella.”
I glanced over my shoulder, towards the room where Ella was distantly out for the count. I looked back at Mona, my gaze meeting hers at last. God, those eyes—they had been the first thing I’d really noticed about her, and even now, I had to admit that they were haunting me.
“Ella’s safe,” I remarked, finishing up my dinner and putting down my plate. “As safe as she can be, anyway. For now.”
Mona followed my lead, placing her plate next to mine on the small coffee table in front of us. There was nothing between us now, nothing to deflect everything we’d done so well to hide from each other.
“She is,” Mona agreed. “For now.”
“I can’t stop thinking about it, either,” I admitted, voice low. “I…you’re amazing.”
“I know.” She flashed me a cocky grin, making me laugh. The tension seemed to drop away, and she shifted a little closer to me, closing the gap between us. My fingertips were only an inch or two from the bare skin of her neck, and I fought the urge to reach out and skim them along her collarbone. To see her reaction, to watch her squirm in front of me. “I know that…” She took a deep breath before she spoke again, as if she knew that getting this next bit right was crucial. “I know that you’re nervous about bringing someone new into Ella’s life. But I’m already in it. And she’d never have to know about…us. Not until we were ready.”
She scanned my face for a reaction and, upon not finding one, seemed to panic.
“Only if you want this,” she continued hurriedly. A smile curled onto my lips at the ridiculousness of her statement. There was never any “if” in the equation. I’d wanted Mona from the moment I laid eyes on her, and that had only grown more intense with the time that had passed; my lust had turned to something heavier and headier, something that meant more than anything else I’d felt for a grown-ass woman before.
She glanced down at my mouth, then back up to my eyes, and I reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes and her lips parted; I paused for a moment, watching her, taking her in in this strangely intimate moment. She was lost in my touch, and I knew there was no point in fighting the urges any more. I wanted her, she wanted me, and there was nothing more either of us could do to keep Ella any safer than she already was in that moment. Everything dropped away, and I leaned forward and planted my lips against hers.
She caught my face in her hands and pulled me close, at once frantic and savoring every touch; our tongues met, and I pulled her on top of me. She tasted just as I remembered her tasting, but this time, it was different—I wasn’t driven by adrenaline. I wanted her because I wanted her. No one else would do. The thought that I had ever wanted anyone before I wanted her seemed ridiculous in retrospect, as I slid my hand around her waist and pulled her body taut against mine.
She pulled back for a moment and let out a short breath, staring into my eyes, before we resumed our making out. It was as though she wanted to confirm that it was really me, that this was really happening. I knew exactly how she felt—I kept on stroking her hair, reminding myself that this was Mona, the only woman I felt as though I’d ever truly trusted. Her sweet scent enveloped me, and I wondered if I could bottle it to spray on my pillow at night before I went to sleep, so I could pretend that she was still there next to me.
“Are you sure about this?” I breathed into her ear. I knew that we needed a back-out clause, needed to know that if this went wrong we could blame it on ourselves. Because I knew that this was a gamble. Even going this far was probably pushing our luck, knowing that this thing between us was real and potent and serious and that if we wanted to we could probably make it work. Tantalizing ourselves with the promise of something we didn’t really know for sure we could make work yet was dangerous, and we both knew it.
“Yes,” she replied, her gaze meeting mine fleetingly. She rolled down on to the couch and pulled me on top of her, so we were flat against each other; her body was soft and cool beneath my own, and I kissed her once again. I didn’t give a shit what kind of bad decisions we were making. I just knew that I couldn’t let this stop. It felt different to the last time, as though something was urging us on, something beyond simple desire.