Roma
I wait in the living room for Bear, trying to keep myself calm. I’m a killer. I’ve roamed across the States and killed bad men my entire life. I’ve killed men with sniper rifles from a quarter-mile away and thought nothing of it. I’ve been in bars when four men have turned on me and I’ve beat every damn one of them. I’ve killed and I’ve fought my entire life. And through it all, I’ve been calm. I’ve never let anything shake me. But Bear . . . Bear is different. If there’s one person on this planet who can get to me like nobody else can, it’s Bear. And listening to his footsteps as he walks down the stairs—slow, as though he doesn’t want to reach the bottom—I’m nervous.
I, a man trained killers and ruthless men refuse to look in the eye, am nervous.
The door to the living room opens slowly, the door creaking. The sound seems to slide over my skin like something alive, squeaking, pressing against me. My breathing comes quick. I never knew my dad, my mom, anyone. I’m a nowhere man, a specter at the feast, outside the normal run of things. Sometimes, when I’m driving through the suburbs, I glance into people’s windows and see them about their normal business, dinner and TV and family and laughter. I couldn’t be further outside all of that. But in Bear I found a different sort of family, a trainer as well as a father figure, a man I can look up to as well as a man I can fear.
He paces into the room, his solitary eye glaring at me.
“Roma,” he mutters. “Come outside. I need to talk.”
“We can talk in here,” I say.
“No.” He shakes his head. “Because I might shout and that girl doesn’t deserve that.”
With a sigh, I stand up. Bear leads me to the front door and waves down at a pair of boots. “They’ll be too big for you, but it’s better than nothing.”
I pull on the boots. He’s right. They’re too big. I tie the laces as tight as they’ll go and follow him outside. We weave through the overgrowth and walk in silence toward the hill. We walk until the cottage is far away, stopping beside a huge, lonely tree which throws its branches out and shades us from the sun. Bear leans against the trunk of the tree and watches me.
“You’re angry,” I say, facing him.
His lips tremble and his chest is like the rumbling of a volcano before eruption. But when he speaks, his voice is ice. “You’re going to kill that woman’s father,” Bear says. “Mr. Black is a political man and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some goddamn snake’s plan which involved killing the father. I heard about the kidnapping. I heard about the security. As far as I can see, the only reason you’re saving this girl is to get the ambassador to relax his security . . . and then you’ll kill him.”
He’s good. But then, he always has been.
I face his square on. There’s no point in lying now. “That’s right, Bear,” I say.
His lips twist. I can tell he’s trying to keep himself calm. He fails. One second he’s up against the tree, the next he’s in my face, roaring. He moves like light, like a blink, with killer’s speed. “This is exactly the fucking reason I left the fucking game, Roma!” He grabs me by the shirt and brings his face so close to mine I can smell the wine on his breath. He bares his teeth, growling. “Innocents, it’s always the fucking innocents who are caught up in it! Always the innocents who have to pay the price! You’ve saved this girl just so you can kill her father! What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with Mr. Black?”
“It’s more complicated than that,” I say. “There’s more to it.”
I try to keep myself calm. It’s Bear, after all. But there’s only so much a man can take before he fights back, no matter who it is. If any other man tried to grab me like Bear is right now, he’d be levelled out.
“It’s not complicated!” Bear roars. “You’re going to kill her father, Roma. Her father! And don’t play me for a fucking fool! Maybe I’ve lived out here for a long damned time, but don’t make the mistake of thinking I’ve forgotten women. She’s in love with you. Or she’s pretty damn close. And you . . . oh my God.” His voice goes quiet. “And you feel something for her, too,” he mutters in disbelief.
“Let go of me, Bear,” I say, my voice shaking with the effort of staying cool.
“This world is fucked,” Bear says. He takes a step back, letting go of my shirt. “This world is fucked and the most fucked part of it is Mr. Black. Roma, lad, this girl feels something for you. I can see it plain as day. And you feel something for her. You’re lying to her, lad. You’re lying to her and you’re going to ruin her life. Her mother’s dead, isn’t she? Ambassador Fellows’ wife died soon after she was born. Which means you’re going to make this girl an orphan.”
“There’s more to it than that,” I repeat, but my voice sounds weak, my words empty.
“There is never more to it,” Bear says, voice bitter. “That’s just what you and Mr. Black and men like you tell yourselves so you can sleep at night. But the truth it, there’s never more to it than the tears and the blood of the innocent. How many widows have we made? And, aye, when it comes to pedophiles and rapists and killers and the scum, fine, I don’t care. Their fault for marrying evil men. But this man, Roma, and this girl, they’ve never hurt anybody. Why do they deserve the pain?”
“I just go where the money goes,” I say defensively. “That’s all.”
But his words hit me hard. My hands clench into fists without me telling them to. My cheeks tremble and all I want is for Bear to transform into another man, anybody else, so that I can hit him. But the idea of hitting Bear makes me feel sick.
“You trained me,” I growl, glaring at him. “You brought me into this life. You took a street kid and you made him into a goddamn machine, Bear. And now you’re going to stand there and grandstand about it all? How many jobs have you done? How many men have you killed?”
“That’s in the past. That’s done. I’m never going back to that. You’re still in it, Roma. But you’re not in the life I was in, the life of crime families and hits . . . you’re not killing men who know the score, men who have made the choice to enter the life. You’re going to kill a politician. A good man. One of the few good men working for the American government. And for what? Money? Don’t you have enough of that?”
I bring my hands to my temples, massaging. “Be quiet,” I say.
Bear throws his hands up. “Why, am I starting to make too much damned sense?”
“This is who I am,” I mutter. “This is who you made me.”
“Aye, and I regret it. I should’ve taken you in and put you in a good school and shielded you from all this shit.”
“Don’t say that.” I shake my head, wishing away his words. “We had some good times, Bear. Some damn good times.”
“Aye, maybe we did.” Bear’s voice is softer. He takes a step toward me. “Maybe we did, son. But what’s it all led to, aye? To this. A stinking pile of shit with another stinking pile of shit piled on top of it. Innocents, Roma, civilians. We’re soldiers in this line of work and the worst thing a soldier can do is drag a civilian into battle.”
Bear lifts his hand, places it on my shoulder. He looks deep into my eyes. “If you were anybody else and you told me what you were going to do, I’d kill you. I’d kill you without thinking about it. But I can’t kill you, Roma. I can’t even think about it. So all I can do is ask you to stop. Leave the life. Put it all behind you and—”
“And then what?” I snap, batting his hand away. I take a step back. “And then what will I be? Some poor fucking orphan with no respect.”
“You don’t have respect, boy, you have fear.”
“Same thing,” I grunt, but even I don’t believe that.
Bear watches me closely. He looks deflated, like shouting has taken it out of him. “You like that girl. Don’t tell me you don’t. How do you think she’ll feel when she finds out the truth, aye?”
“She doesn’t need to know.”
I feel a stab in my chest at that. I do like Felicity, more than like. And I’m lying to her.
Bear shakes his head. “I’ve said what I needed to say. When it comes down to it, you’re a man now and I can’t do anything to stop you.”
“That’s right.”
I turn, meaning to pace back to the house. Bear grabs me by the shoulder, spins me around, and pulls me into him. He wraps his massive arms around me and hugs me close.
“I love you, boy,” he says.
Stunned, I don’t know what to say.
Then he lets me go and begins walking down the hill toward the cottage.