Eighteen

Charli

 

When I leave the library the following day, I’m not surprised to find Carter waiting at the base of the steps. My heart leaps in my chest when I spy the waiting limo. I’d known Devlin wouldn’t easily fade into the background, and in a way, I’m glad.

Last Saturday meant something to me, and I don’t want to end things by text. It would be better if we both agreed that this can’t continue. It’s probably a bad idea considering it’ll prolong the heartache, but I know it’s for the best.

Carter gives me a polite smile, and I return it as he escorts me to the limo and opens the door. When I ease into the leather seat, I find the limo empty. I blink and look around with confusion. Where is he?

The limo pulls away from the curb, and I settle comfortably in the seat and gaze through the tinted windows. Had he thought that I would refuse to see him? Is that why he’d sent Carter?

Curious, I pull my phone from my purse and check my text messages. There aren’t any new ones, not even one from Keagan. I set aside the phone and pull together my thoughts.

We do need to talk, and I need to brace myself for the coming conversation. I’m drawn to Devlin, but not just because of his good looks. I’d once thought him to be a cold bastard, but now that he’s let me in just a little, I can sense that there’s a vulnerability within him. As crazy as it sounds, I want to make certain that nothing destroys what’s left of the man his father was so determined that he never become.

A pang causes my heart to constrict, because something inside me recognizes a kindred spirit when I meet one. It’s difficult to give up that connection, but I can’t continue to fall deeper into this thing with him while wrestling with my conscience. If the beginning of this relationship is already this tough, I can only imagine how difficult it would be in the long run. I’m not one to run from anything, but this, I think I need to for my own sake.

When the limo pulls into Devlin’s private parking, I draw in a deep breath and exhale. I can do this, I tell myself. Carter opens the door, and he gives me a hand as he helps me out. Nerves flutter in my stomach as he escorts me into the elevator, and a minute later, I am entering the penthouse.

I make my way to the room where I know I’ll find Devlin waiting. He’s standing in front of the windows, his back to me. This evening, he’s wearing a long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into dark slacks. His body language looks relaxed, but I can sense he’s anything but.

My hands itch to touch him, and I’m pushing back the urge to walk over and pull him into an embrace. Instead, I curl my fingers into fists as I struggle against the need. I’ve never considered myself a nurturer, but every time I see Devlin, my emotions expand and build, adding layers to what I’m already feeling. Without my permission, my feet take me further into the room until I manage to gain control of myself.

Devlin turns from the window, his gray eyes locking on mine, and I see a wealth of emotion that he’s struggling to contain. The indifference he’d once worn in my presence seems a thing of the past. He’s either unable to detach himself from this, or he’s choosing to trust me even after the one-sided text conversation from last night.

I give him a sad smile. Hi, I mouth to him.

The corners of his lips tilt upwards ever so slightly, and he carefully signs, Evening, Charli. He’d even signed my name, which means he’d had to learn how to sign every letter.

My lips part, and a sliver of pain darts through my chest. This is going to be tougher than I could have ever imagined.

He takes a step closer, his eyes still on mine. “I’m not ready to give up on this. On us.”

I swallow past a lump in my throat, and I dig out my phone and type, In a perfect world, I would never walk away from this. But the reality is, we come from two different worlds. I can’t ignore how we met and what you do. I tried, but it bothers me, Devlin. I don’t think I can get past it. I tilt the phone so that he can read my response.

When he moves closer, I get a whiff of his cologne, and I force myself to ignore it. I watch him closely as his eyes lift back to mine. Frustration glints in them. “I can’t change who I am, I’ll never be able to. My world isn’t the kind you walk away from with your life still intact.”

I drop my eyes to my phone and type, I’m not asking you to leave it. I can’t change who you are, just as you wouldn’t ask me to change myself.

He scans the text, and then gives me a measured look. “We both know it’s not just what I do that’s bothering you. You’re scared of what you’d felt Saturday night.”

And here we go. I’d known he’d call me out on it. It’s hard to tear my eyes from his, and I type, You’re right. I can’t separate sex from friendship. I thought I could explore our attraction, but I can’t do that without wanting more.

Devlin frowns. “I never said I wouldn’t give you more. I said I didn’t want to put a label on it.”

I nod and drop my eyes back to the phone. More means emotions are involved. More means dealing with everything that makes us who we are, and I can’t accept the illegal stuff you’re involved in.

“I’ll never let the illegal side of things touch you, Charli. That I can promise,” he insists.

I shake my head, typing, But it already does touch me. I wonder about your victims. Ignoring what you do is the same as saying it’s okay. It’s not. When I’m with you, it’s the last thing on my mind. When I’m not with you, I wonder just how much of myself I’ll give up to continue seeing you.

His face twists. “There’s more to me than the man that runs the organization.”

I move close to him, touching his jaw, and it tenses beneath my fingertips. I know, I mouth, gazing up at him. I let him see how much I understand that there’s more to him than he probably even realizes. Deep down, he’s not the bad man that his father trained.

He reaches up and brushes his knuckles across my cheekbone, his eyes gentle. “Then don’t walk away. Stay.”

I back away from him, causing his hand to drop, and I swallow past the thickness in my throat. I break our eye contact and concentrate on the phone. I want to, I really do, but this will only hurt us both. Don’t you get it, Devlin? We’re already in deep and we barely know each other.

A muscle flexes in his jaw. “You think I’m not aware of how fast this is going down? It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t like how you suddenly seem to understand me even when I’m not speaking. I let you in just a little, and it’s like you dove right in and took over. You see me, and it’s disturbing and yet exhilarating.”

I text, And you said you were terrible at expressing yourself. You’re doing amazingly well, and it just makes this much more difficult because everything you say is accurate.

“Then stop arguing with me.”

I give him a sad smile before turning back to the phone. Backing down from what I believe in isn’t who I am. We come from two different worlds, and I don’t fit in yours. As terrible as it sounds, I don’t want to. I think we could still find a way to remain friends, but for now, I think we both need some space.

He reads the text, and his jaw clenches as he rubs the back of his neck.

I quickly text, I’m sorry. I really am.

“I know,” he finally says, his lips turning down. “I am too.”

I don’t know what else to say, and I stand there, dreading the end of this conversation. Once it ends, I’ll have to walk away and put what we could have had behind me. Even continuing a friendship will be a struggle, but I can’t just kick him out of my life, and I don’t want to.

He steps closer, taking me by surprise as he leans down and presses a tender kiss to my forehead before pulling back. His eyes lock on mine. “I will honor your wishes, but I am not going to suddenly disappear from your life while you want space. I still want to make certain that you’re okay, and I will continue to do so without involving myself in your life until you’re ready for me to be a part of it again.”

The unexpected kiss has shaken me, and I fumble with the phone and text, I’m capable of taking care of myself. I have a job, and I can afford a place of my own or with a roommate.

He glances at the phone and shakes his head. “The apartment is paid for an entire year. Take that time to sort out your life. There’s no point in walking away from something that’s already a done deal. Save your money for when the year is up,” he suggests.

He does have a valid point. I type, Okay, thank you. Keagan can’t continue to be on your payroll. I want him in my life as a friend, not a hired companion.

“We’ll discuss it another day. Right now, I think we have enough to deal with.”

He’s correct again, and I nod.

We both stand there as if neither one of us want to give into the finality that comes from ending a conversation like this.

“I’ll have Aiden drive you home. He’s on standby down in the basement,” he finally says.

I nod in agreement, and he escorts me to the elevator. I’m not expecting him to come down to the basement with me, but he enters the elevator and presses the basement level. The doors close, leaving us enclosed in the small space. I’m much too aware of him, and it’s disheartening how much had changed since the last time I’d left his penthouse.

Devlin remains composed, his hands in his pockets as we descend to the basement level. When the doors slide open, I glance at him and find his eyes on me. He doesn’t say anything, but his gray eyes are dark.

I manage to give him a smile, and then I step out of the elevator and find Aiden standing next to the limo, the door already open. I nod gratefully and climb in. After I’m settled in the seat, the door closes, and I peer out the darkened window.

The elevator doors have already closed.