* * *
Keagan’s waiting for me after my shift ends. As soon as I spy him lounging near the library steps, I rush over. When he sees me, he opens his arms wide, and I fling myself at him, hugging him tightly. It’s the first I’ve seen him since the fire, and I breathe in his familiar, clean scent.
He hugs me, and when I pull back, he releases me and signs, I missed you.
My eyes fill with sudden tears, and they spill over my cheeks. I’d text messaged him earlier asking if I could see him, and he’d told me that he’d borrow Lance’s car and pick me up after work. We’re supposed to go out to dinner, but now that he’s standing in front of me, I’m not feeling very sociable.
He looks alarmed by my tears, and his gestures are quick as he asks, What’s going on? Are you okay?
I nod and wipe at the tears. Can we go somewhere?
He slips an arm around me and steers me to a car parked at the curb. There is no doubt in my mind that Carter or Tobias is watching from somewhere nearby. I’d text messaged Devlin to let him know that I wanted to spend some time with Keagan. He’d been very understanding and hadn’t said anything about sending someone with me, but I know it probably goes without saying.
Once I’m in the passenger seat, I slip on my seatbelt as Keagan climbs into the driver’s. He glances at me. My place? he signs.
I nod in agreement.
While he drives through the congested streets, I stare miserably out the window. My beginning here in New York hadn’t started out so great, and yet I still love this city. I can’t imagine living anywhere else. I don’t want to leave it, and I don’t want to leave Keagan. He’s my best friend. In the short time I’ve gotten to know him, I’ve become quite attached. I can’t imagine a life without him in it. If I start over somewhere else, I’ll be leaving everyone I care about. I’m stricken just by the thought.
The drive to the apartment he shares with Lance doesn’t take long. Inside the building, he leads me to the third floor, and I wait patiently as Keagan unlocks the door. He steps through the doorway and turns on the light before motioning me inside.
I step inside and look around curiously. The apartment is small but looks clean and well-used. The walls are bare of décor, but Keagan and Lance’s personal belongings are scattered everywhere. There’s a bike resting against the far wall, and the coffee table in front of the brown sofa is covered in binders and papers—probably Lance’s. I recognize Keagan’s backpack next to the sofa, and across the room, I spy the kitchen with a cluttered table full of papers, and folded laundry sitting perilously close to the edge.
Can I get you anything to drink? Keagan signs.
Water. Thank you.
After Keagan fetches me a glass of water, he leads me to the sofa before patiently waiting for me to unload on him.
I gratefully sip the water before setting it down on the coffee table as I debate how much to tell him. I quickly realize that if he doesn’t know everything, he won’t understand just how much of a predicament I’ve found myself in, so I decide to share with him everything that’s happened since the fire. Keagan doesn’t interrupt as he avidly watches me sign to him. When I’m finished, he looks somber.
I look at him expectantly, my eyes searching his. What am I supposed to do? I sign.
He gives me a rueful look. I can’t make that decision for you.
How am I supposed to make this kind of choice? What if the one I make is the wrong one? There’s a knot in my chest that shows no sign of loosening. Throughout my shift, I’d found it hard to breathe past it, and I am aching to make a choice that I can accept—but it’s not that easy.
I think you need to consider what you’re willing to live with and what you can’t live without, Keagan signs.
I glare at him with frustration. It’s not that easy!
He smiles gently, his eyes crinkling in the corners. Life’s not supposed to be easy.
With a sigh, I switch tactics. If you were me, what would you choose?
If I ever find myself in your shoes, I’ll let you know.
I flip him off.
He laughs and briefly puts his hands up in surrender. I can’t help you with this one, Charli. This is all on you, and I won’t sway your decision by stating my own opinion.
My eyes narrow. So you do have an opinion.
I do, but I’m not sharing, he signs with a stern expression.
You’re supposed to be my best friend.
His eyes hold mine. A best friend would never sway their friend’s opinion, because that would be selfish. A best friend would support whatever choice that friend chooses.
My expression falls, and I reach for the water I’d set on the table earlier and take a sip. I was hoping Keagan would be able to help me sort out what I should do, but he’s clearly staying neutral.
He looks at me curiously. What is your gut telling you? he signs.
I set the water down. It’s not telling me anything yet. Right now, I’m just upset that I have to make the decision in the first place.
What do you feel for him? he signs, watching me closely.
For a long moment, I sit there, unmoving as I think over his question. I think I’m in love with him. If I weren’t, would I be this torn up over the thought of leaving? I look at Keagan, eyes sad. I love him, I sign with certainty.
He doesn’t look surprised. He loves you, too.
I stare at him, and my eyebrows lift. Last I knew, Keagan wasn’t a fan of Devlin’s.
He gives me a wry look. I saw his expression the night of the fire. The moment he saw you, the relief on his face was clear as day. I think that man would do just about anything for you. He grimaces but continues signing. I don’t like his illegal activities, but the actual man has some good qualities.
I nod in agreement. If I stay, I risk my life, I sign.
Keagan slowly nods, his eyes quite serious. You do. But he has the power to protect you, and I think he’d make that his top priority.
My eyebrows pucker. But if I stay, I give up the kind of life I’ve always wanted. Not to mention the kind of independence I crave.
You need to decide what’s more important. Or, you could leave and try to build that life you want. If it doesn’t work out, come back.
I frown and shake my head. I could never do that to Devlin. Not after how he’d grown up. There’s no way I could leave and allow him to think I might someday come back. Nor would it be fair to leave and then walk back into his life if things don’t work out. I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to him, I sign.
Then you have a lot to think about.
I look at him miserably.
He opens his arms, and I shift on the sofa and settle against his chest.