Thirty
Charli
The light is off, and I am standing near the large windows, staring out at the city. I’d barely slept last night, and today had been a blur as I’d sorted out all the chaos going on inside my head. Thankfully, I’ve finally come to a decision about what I’m going to do. It wasn’t easy to get to this point, and it took a lot of soul-searching.
My need for independence comes from my childhood. No surprise there. But the big revelation was the fact that all this time I haven’t been trying to prove anything to myself. I’ve been trying to prove to everyone else that I am capable. All the doubts people had about me as a child, the expectation of seeing me fail, it’s haunted me throughout my life. My drive to succeed on my own is my way of proving to everyone that I can do it. That I don’t need help.
Once I’d realized that, I asked myself who I’m proving myself to now? The doubters are in the past, and the people in my present aren’t expecting me to fail. They want me to succeed. Better yet, they want to be there for me to make certain that I don’t fail.
Yes, Devlin doesn’t want me riding the subway. But not because he thinks I can’t handle it. No, his reasoning is because of safety. And frankly, I can’t blame him. Nobody can predict who they’re going to sit next to on those cars, or if someone’s going to follow them when they exit the car, or possibly try to steal their purse, or worse… This is New York after all. I’ve lived on these streets and witnessed the worst of human nature.
All he’s asked of me is to take a cab or let his driver take me from point A to point B. Hell, he even suggested my own car. He believes I’m capable of driving these congested streets. He just doesn’t want me in a large crowd where anything can happen. Nor does he have a problem with my job at the library, and I can go out with Keagan and still do other things with my day. He’s not asking me to live in the penthouse twenty-four/seven. He’s just asking me to be safe when I am out and about.
I remind myself that with a target on my back, Devlin’s lax attitude about my outings will change, and he will want to hover more. Can I handle that? I don’t see why not. As long as I can still live my life and do the things that I enjoy, what does it matter if I accept his help here and there? If I’m not feeling suffocated, I think I could be happy here. And if I do start feeling like it’s getting to be too much, I’m sure Devlin will find a way to back off. Isn’t that what relationships are all about? Compromise? He’s already proven that he’ll do what it takes to make me happy.
With a shake of my head, I turn and sit down on the bed, setting my phone near my hip. I’ve been really bull-headed lately. I regret that, but at least it’s not too late to fix things.
I glance at the phone in the moonlight. I’ve already typed out a long text for him to read, because there’s no way I’m going to be able to vocalize it all. I also don’t want to make him stand there while I type everything that I’ve been thinking. It’s all prepared and ready for him to read.
Now, I just have to wait until he shows up. I hadn’t counted on the wait being so excruciatingly long though. I’m anxious to officially begin our lives together, but we can’t do that until we make it past this one last hurdle.
It takes another hour before the bedroom door opens and the light switches on. When Devlin catches sight of me sitting on the bed, he freezes in the middle of unfastening his tie from his neck. He stands just within the doorway, his eyes glued to me with a keen alertness.
I rise to my feet and offer a tentative smile.
His hand slowly lowers, leaving the tie loosened around his neck. He walks further into the room, and then he waits with watchful eyes.
This is all up to me now, and I approach him and hold out the phone.
His eyes search mine before he accepts it, and his eyes lower to read the text.
I have the message memorized by heart since I’ve read it over a hundred times today, perfecting it for when he reads it.
All my life everyone has doubted me. I’ve become accustomed to always proving that I am capable of all that I do. What I came to realize is that I don’t have anything to prove. Not to you and not to Keagan. You all believe in me, and there’s no reason for me to think otherwise. My head is clearer now, and I am ready to move forward—with us. I want to be in your life Devlin. I accept you as you are and all that comes with you—the good and the bad. All that I ask is that you accept me—stubbornly flawed as I am, and when I need to branch out further into this world, I ask that you support me with that endeavor. Yes, I realize that being with you will come with a cost, one that pertains to my safety. As long as I can still live my life and enjoy it, that’s all that matters. What I can’t handle is living a life without you. I can’t envision it, and I never want that to become a reality. If you’ll have me, I’m yours. Forever.
Devlin’s expression has shifted to one filled with great emotion, and his eyes lift to mine. He signs, I love you.
My lips part as my heart leaps inside my chest. He loves me! He loves me and told me in the most meaningful way that he ever could. “I love you, too,” I say out loud, knowing his eyes will light up like they always do when I share my voice with him.
His reaction is exactly as I expected, and he strides over and pulls me into his arms, his lips claiming mine in a kiss filled with pent-up longing and tenderness. I’ve missed his taste, the stroke of his tongue, the way his kisses make me weak in the knees.
Devlin reluctantly pulls back before the kiss can grow out of control, and I watch as he draws in a deep breath and exhales. His eyes lock on mine. “We have a lot to talk about, and it can’t wait.”
I nod in agreement, smiling. “I’m staying the night, so we have…plenty of time for later.”
He gives me a rakish smile, letting me know that ‘later’ will most certainly happen. Then, his expression sobers, and he motions for me to sit on the bed. After I take a seat, he settles next to me.
I tilt my head and wait to see what he’s going to say.
He grimaces, and I watch his jaw flex. “The last thing I want to do is lay out the reality of our future, but it needs to be done,” he says, looking resolved.
“I agree.”
He nods and rubs his jaw. “There’s always going to be a possible threat. It won’t ever go away, Charli. If you stay—” I put a hand on his arm to stop him, and he politely waits.
“I will stay,” I say firmly.
He takes my hand from his forearm and brings my fingers to his lips, kissing them tenderly. “There’s always going to be someone watching you—someone I trust when I’m not around. They won’t hinder anything that you do, and most of the time, you won’t even know they’re there. I don’t want to suffocate you, but I want precautions in place.”
I nod. “I…” I frown and search my memory for how to articulate the word. “I expected this.”
His eyes search mine intently. “You’re okay with it?”
“As long as it isn’t…obvious.”
“I’ll make certain of it.” He visibly hesitates, indecision warring on his face. “But the subway, Charli…”
I begin to laugh.
He looks at me with bewilderment.
“A cab is fine. Or a car,” I add. “But no Aiden,” I quickly say firmly. I don’t want to be driven around.
Suspicion momentarily flares in his eyes until he realizes I’m serious. “I can accept that.”
I wait to see if he has anything else to say.
“I meant it, Charli. Make this our home. I need you and the light that surrounds you. I’m not whole unless you’re with me,” he says with painful sincerity.
I place my hand over his heart, feeling it steadily beating beneath my palm. I peer up at him. “You fill places in me that I didn’t know were there. You complete me, Devlin Kade.”
He reaches for me and presses a soft kiss to my forehead before pulling back so he can peer into my eyes. “I love you. I always hated the thought of those words, but now I can’t say them enough.”
I give him a glowing smile. “I think we’re well on our way to a new beginning.”
His expression unexpectedly tenses. “Charli, the threat needs to be neutralized before we can really move forward. That bomb, it was meant for you. Once he’s been handled, we can move forward with everything that you want, but for now, I want to minimize you being a target as much as I can.”
“You said ‘he.’” I look at him questioningly. He knows who placed the bomb?
“I’m almost certain but currently awaiting proof.” He shakes his head before I can ask anything further. “You don’t want details, Charli. I don’t want that part of my life to taint what we have. I don’t ever want to discuss the details of my business with you,” he says seriously.
I can handle that. “Deal,” I say. I wouldn’t want to hear about it anyway. The less I hear, the better. I won’t ignore what he does or pretend he doesn’t do it, but I don’t need to discuss it with him. He’s right, it shouldn’t touch what’s between us.
I tilt my head, feeling playful. “I’m ready for later,” I say to him.
“Fuck yes,” he says before he sweeps me into his arms and tosses me into the center of the bed, causing me to break out into giggles that are soon smothered by his lips.